One year, nothing changes
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, emma.
Welcome back.
I remember your posts from a while back.
You have gotten some really good insight from some very wise people.
Here is another piece of the puzzle. Don’t think anyone mentioned it, but if so, forgive the repetition.
Alcohol addiction is progressive. That means he will likely drink more and for longer periods of time as he progreses in this condition.
You have mentioned that he is a few years older, so there’s that as well.
My observation only: we can hold up physically to over drinking when we are younger. We can process the alcohol more efficiently and show little effect.
That changes as we age. Drinking takes its toll, physically and mentally.
Expect changes in health as your spouse gets older. Forgetfulness, irritability at times, maybe gastro stuff, etc.
Everyone is different. This may not happen, but then again, it may.
So...in addition to your discontent with the state of your marriage, add to it that you may end up caring for a sick man as you both approach your middle years.
I had a friend who used to describe her relationships as being “addicted to potential.”
I think that in a marriage where one drinks a lot, the other is still seeing the potential in his/her spouse, or is constantly turning back to the early relationship stage, where there was so much potential.
We not only grieve the loss of the marriage, we grieve the loss of the life we thought we were going to have.
I settled for a lot of things when I was younger. Unsuitable men who didn’t value me, crud jobs that I could do with my eyes closed.
Over time (I’m 66), I have come to believe that no one should just settle. We are all valuable people with a lot to contribute, and we all, every one of us, deserve respect and caring.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Welcome back.
I remember your posts from a while back.
You have gotten some really good insight from some very wise people.
Here is another piece of the puzzle. Don’t think anyone mentioned it, but if so, forgive the repetition.
Alcohol addiction is progressive. That means he will likely drink more and for longer periods of time as he progreses in this condition.
You have mentioned that he is a few years older, so there’s that as well.
My observation only: we can hold up physically to over drinking when we are younger. We can process the alcohol more efficiently and show little effect.
That changes as we age. Drinking takes its toll, physically and mentally.
Expect changes in health as your spouse gets older. Forgetfulness, irritability at times, maybe gastro stuff, etc.
Everyone is different. This may not happen, but then again, it may.
So...in addition to your discontent with the state of your marriage, add to it that you may end up caring for a sick man as you both approach your middle years.
I had a friend who used to describe her relationships as being “addicted to potential.”
I think that in a marriage where one drinks a lot, the other is still seeing the potential in his/her spouse, or is constantly turning back to the early relationship stage, where there was so much potential.
We not only grieve the loss of the marriage, we grieve the loss of the life we thought we were going to have.
I settled for a lot of things when I was younger. Unsuitable men who didn’t value me, crud jobs that I could do with my eyes closed.
Over time (I’m 66), I have come to believe that no one should just settle. We are all valuable people with a lot to contribute, and we all, every one of us, deserve respect and caring.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by emmab219 
Why do I keep doing this to myself??
I look at all the previous posts I've made, and I sound like a broken record. The last time I came here was a few months ago, and I'd been jotting down the names of lawyers and therapists. I thought I had a plan. I thought I was ready to finally take charge and do something about my alcoholic husband. In the end, I found a therapist but was too afraid to call a lawyer.
Now I find myself back to square one. Having the same exact problems I had when I first found this place almost one year ago exactly.
I convince myself it's not that bad. He's not aggressive, abusive, mean. He doesn't lie about his drinking or disappear for hours on end. He doesn't drive drunk or get out of control. Therefore, the situation must not be that bad. He's a good man, I love him. He's stopped drinking so much during the week. Sometimes he even comes to bed with me. I repeat the mantra.
I force myself not to think about the loneliness. The lack of physical intimacy. The laziness. The lack of drive and ambition. In the grand scheme of things, it could be so much worse. I convince myself this is what marriage is. If I left, it'd be so hard on both of us. We love each other. We promised each other a forever.
I settle. And I tell myself it's fine.
Then one thing happens that shatters the illusion.
We go out for drinks with my brother, who is in town for a few days. We have a great time. We go home and go to bed. I wake up the next morning around 10am and he's drinking. I'm upset. He brushes it off. He's wasted by 11am. My mom drops by unannounced to drop off something for me. I'm embarrassed because it's not even noon and my husband is drunk.
I leave in the afternoon to meet with a friend and see a movie. When I get back a few hours later, he's still drinking. Now he's gaming. I say hello. Barely acknowledges me. I have to work in the morning so I go to bed.
I leave for work the next day, come back a few hours later in the afternoon. He's sleeping. I go out on a walk, run some errands, get myself some ice cream cause I need it. Come back. Still asleep. I watch a movie. He emerges around 9pm, just when I'm getting ready to call it a night.
He's sober. I try to talk to him about why I'm upset.
He says he doesn't understand why I'm upset about something he can't take back and that already happened. Even when I say it's because it's not the first time and it's not normal, he keeps trying to deflect with humor. Eventually he says, "I can't promise I'll never do it again someday'........
I tell him I feel like he takes me for granted. That he sometimes puts his video games and drinking before me. He says "Sometimes."
........It's been one entire year since I finally started calling him out on his alcoholism. Nothing has really changed. He tries. Sometimes. Drinks less during the week, but goes bananas on the weekend. Has gained a ton of weight, still won't work out. Won't go with me to see my therapist, who thinks couples counseling would help. He disagrees. There's talk of having children, but I can't have a child with someone who drinks the way he does even if he claims he can stop at anytime. And to have kids, he'd have to sex with me more than twice a year probably.
I am so sad.
This is not how I envisioned my life. I love this man. Why won't he try harder for me?
I love this man. I'm afraid to be without him.
But maybe it's at the point where I need to love myself more? I have a good job, a promising career, great friends. I shouldn't be this unhappy. I shouldn't feel like I'm twenty-eight and stuck with a twenty year old roommate instead of a partnership with a thirty-seven year old husband.
Yet every time I get ready to do something, like finally tell him I can't do this anymore, I chicken out. He makes me laugh, or smile. We have a good couple of weeks together and I go right back to thinking...this isn't so bad. I can do this. We can work through this.
I don't know how to get out of this cycle.
Am I crazy?
It's not normal to start drinking at 9am on Saturday and go all day, right? Even if it's not every Saturday? I feel like I don't even know what's normal anymore.
Thanks to anyone who's listening.
It makes me feel less alone.
I look at all the previous posts I've made, and I sound like a broken record. The last time I came here was a few months ago, and I'd been jotting down the names of lawyers and therapists. I thought I had a plan. I thought I was ready to finally take charge and do something about my alcoholic husband. In the end, I found a therapist but was too afraid to call a lawyer.
Now I find myself back to square one. Having the same exact problems I had when I first found this place almost one year ago exactly.
I convince myself it's not that bad. He's not aggressive, abusive, mean. He doesn't lie about his drinking or disappear for hours on end. He doesn't drive drunk or get out of control. Therefore, the situation must not be that bad. He's a good man, I love him. He's stopped drinking so much during the week. Sometimes he even comes to bed with me. I repeat the mantra.
I force myself not to think about the loneliness. The lack of physical intimacy. The laziness. The lack of drive and ambition. In the grand scheme of things, it could be so much worse. I convince myself this is what marriage is. If I left, it'd be so hard on both of us. We love each other. We promised each other a forever.
I settle. And I tell myself it's fine.
Then one thing happens that shatters the illusion.
We go out for drinks with my brother, who is in town for a few days. We have a great time. We go home and go to bed. I wake up the next morning around 10am and he's drinking. I'm upset. He brushes it off. He's wasted by 11am. My mom drops by unannounced to drop off something for me. I'm embarrassed because it's not even noon and my husband is drunk.
I leave in the afternoon to meet with a friend and see a movie. When I get back a few hours later, he's still drinking. Now he's gaming. I say hello. Barely acknowledges me. I have to work in the morning so I go to bed.
I leave for work the next day, come back a few hours later in the afternoon. He's sleeping. I go out on a walk, run some errands, get myself some ice cream cause I need it. Come back. Still asleep. I watch a movie. He emerges around 9pm, just when I'm getting ready to call it a night.
He's sober. I try to talk to him about why I'm upset.
He says he doesn't understand why I'm upset about something he can't take back and that already happened. Even when I say it's because it's not the first time and it's not normal, he keeps trying to deflect with humor. Eventually he says, "I can't promise I'll never do it again someday'........
I tell him I feel like he takes me for granted. That he sometimes puts his video games and drinking before me. He says "Sometimes."
........It's been one entire year since I finally started calling him out on his alcoholism. Nothing has really changed. He tries. Sometimes. Drinks less during the week, but goes bananas on the weekend. Has gained a ton of weight, still won't work out. Won't go with me to see my therapist, who thinks couples counseling would help. He disagrees. There's talk of having children, but I can't have a child with someone who drinks the way he does even if he claims he can stop at anytime. And to have kids, he'd have to sex with me more than twice a year probably.
I am so sad.
This is not how I envisioned my life. I love this man. Why won't he try harder for me?
I love this man. I'm afraid to be without him.
But maybe it's at the point where I need to love myself more? I have a good job, a promising career, great friends. I shouldn't be this unhappy. I shouldn't feel like I'm twenty-eight and stuck with a twenty year old roommate instead of a partnership with a thirty-seven year old husband.
Yet every time I get ready to do something, like finally tell him I can't do this anymore, I chicken out. He makes me laugh, or smile. We have a good couple of weeks together and I go right back to thinking...this isn't so bad. I can do this. We can work through this.
I don't know how to get out of this cycle.
Am I crazy?
It's not normal to start drinking at 9am on Saturday and go all day, right? Even if it's not every Saturday? I feel like I don't even know what's normal anymore.
Thanks to anyone who's listening.
It makes me feel less alone.
I force myself not to think about the loneliness. The lack of physical intimacy. The laziness. The lack of drive and ambition. In the grand scheme of things, it could be so much worse. I convince myself this is what marriage is. If I left, it'd be so hard on both of us. We love each other. We promised each other a forever.
I settle. And I tell myself it's fine.
What you have done is healthy !! You've identified issues in the relationship and allowed yourself to accept the FACT - the overall relationship isn't meeting your needs, expectations, and it may actually prevent you from wanting to start a family.
Its really hard to tell what part of the issues between you are coming from his use of alcohol. Obviously he has some type of alcohol use disorder going on, but there seems to be other stuff, and I think your friend who mentioned the Peter Pan Syndrome maybe onto something.
I also agree with your therapist that marriage counseling might help if he would agree to go. Its great you went to talk to someone !
Question? Have you talked to your mom, close family or friends about the situation? Talked in general about the alcohol use, and the deeper issues of feeling so lonely and such?
I was confused and ashamed to talk to the people in my life whom I trusted. I dealt with it all in silence for too long before I did just what you did - and went to see a therapist to talk through it all. Then I got up the courage to tell my family, later friends. I was really amazed by the support and understanding I got from everyone. They knew both of us and that helped. One of my biggest issues (even after my husband stopped using/drinking) was simply about - is he still the man for me? Do we still want the same things in life? It was very hard to think about these things. If this is the case with you - please don't be so hard on yourself.
In addition to reading on the substance abuse forums, it was also helpful for me to look at sites where people are talking about relationships, marriage, contentment, considering divorce and these types of things.
When we face marriage issues and our partner doesn't listen and want to deal with it - yep, its like being up against a wall.
Have you ever considered taking some time apart? Not necessarily a legal separation to start, but just open up the doors and stay cat is out of the bag - Im going to stay wit so and so, because I need time to think. Yep, other people know I love you, but Im not happy and haven't been for a year or more. Something has to change for me.
This comes from my experience - I went to stay with my parents for a while just so I had time to think. It helped me, and it upped the level of concern my husband had also. No surprise, we wives are sometimes taken for granted !
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
I was very lonely in my marriage as well. My ex would only drink on Fridays after work all day Saturdays starting around noon until he passed out and would play an internet game at all times, even when he wasn’t drinking. Like you, my parents, friends, neighbors would drop by on a Saturday afternoon and I was completely embarrassed because he would be drunk and saying the stupidest things. No one ever said anything, it was like the unwritten rule. We never did anything together because he wanted to sit at home, drink and play his game. We never talked about much of anything because he was either drunk, hungover or tired. Well..I was tired too, of him and finally left. Now I regret all those years I stayed. Life is way too short. Enjoy life with someone who has the same interests as you. I feel like a load has been lifted off of me, I can’t tell you how great that feels. It wasn’t always easy when I left. The first 2-3 weeks were the hardest but I was not turning back, I had finally did it. I had a great support system and this site helped a great deal. There are really supportive and smart people on here. Good luck to you and hope it gets better for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
You've all been incredibly helpful and have had such great advice...I really can't thank you enough.
We've been together since I was twenty-two...so literally almost all of my twenties. And I would say up until we got married, things we're very, very good. It was really only at the point where we were planning a wedding that I started to have little doubts. Should've listened to my gut, but honestly thought it was just nerves.
I know that twenty-two year old me would not be happy with how this has turned out.
I have talked to other people besides my therapist. AH will not go to counseling. Refuses. But I've also talked to my mom and two of my closest friends. My mom was married to an alcoholic in her twenties (not my dad, her first husband). She's now been dating another alcoholic for almost ten years (also not my dad-- my father was her second husband and he was and is not an alcoholic). Both my best friends have alcoholic fathers. One doesn't speak to him. The other's father drank himself to death when she was six. So all of them have very strong opinions on the matter. And obviously they're biased anyways because they're my friends and family.
I know it's not all about the drinking, as someone suggested, but it's definitely played a huge role. I think in maybe a lot of ways we just grew apart. Maybe I grew up into a person that is no longer compatible with him, I'm not sure.
I dug out my list of lawyers today and will be making calls in the next week. Not sure if I will do that today or tomorrow....it's my birthday tomorrow and I don't know if I want to spend the day phoning divorce lawyers.
Thanks again, everyone. Will keep you posted.
We've been together since I was twenty-two...so literally almost all of my twenties. And I would say up until we got married, things we're very, very good. It was really only at the point where we were planning a wedding that I started to have little doubts. Should've listened to my gut, but honestly thought it was just nerves.
I know that twenty-two year old me would not be happy with how this has turned out.
I have talked to other people besides my therapist. AH will not go to counseling. Refuses. But I've also talked to my mom and two of my closest friends. My mom was married to an alcoholic in her twenties (not my dad, her first husband). She's now been dating another alcoholic for almost ten years (also not my dad-- my father was her second husband and he was and is not an alcoholic). Both my best friends have alcoholic fathers. One doesn't speak to him. The other's father drank himself to death when she was six. So all of them have very strong opinions on the matter. And obviously they're biased anyways because they're my friends and family.
I know it's not all about the drinking, as someone suggested, but it's definitely played a huge role. I think in maybe a lot of ways we just grew apart. Maybe I grew up into a person that is no longer compatible with him, I'm not sure.
I dug out my list of lawyers today and will be making calls in the next week. Not sure if I will do that today or tomorrow....it's my birthday tomorrow and I don't know if I want to spend the day phoning divorce lawyers.
Thanks again, everyone. Will keep you posted.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think as we change and gain more knowledge, what becomes acceptable to us as people changes as well. It was not just the addiction that did it for me, but looking at my XAH and thinking I don't like who he has become, and never will. People change for sure.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Thanks to Alanon I saw that nothing would improve until I took the necessary steps to leave. I can't change someone else but I certainly can take the steps to give myself a good life. With all addiction denial and rationalization are powerful voices in my ear but I have the tools now to not believe the lies.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
So many thoughtful, valuable responses to this thread. I don't have anything to add except to say I agree with Maudcat because I have sort of lived the mistake she described, and I agree with Lunchbox. I took a screenshot of both their replies for my "motivation" folder.
You said that you love this man, but then... this man is also a man who does all the things you don't love. He's everything he does, not just want he can maybe do... one day... if he wanted to. Does this man love you the way you need to be loved? Anyway, I wouldn't talk to him about divorce until you have figured out all the details personally -- don't give him options, either serve him or not. The reason I am saying this is because I've seen examples of so many acrimonious divorces on the boards, it seems that active alcoholics do not take big life stresses like divorce well. I am not saying that because I am concerned about his well-being, I'm concerned about how he might react to you. Make sure to protect yourself and your assets. Stay strong. Find people you can trust.
You said that you love this man, but then... this man is also a man who does all the things you don't love. He's everything he does, not just want he can maybe do... one day... if he wanted to. Does this man love you the way you need to be loved? Anyway, I wouldn't talk to him about divorce until you have figured out all the details personally -- don't give him options, either serve him or not. The reason I am saying this is because I've seen examples of so many acrimonious divorces on the boards, it seems that active alcoholics do not take big life stresses like divorce well. I am not saying that because I am concerned about his well-being, I'm concerned about how he might react to you. Make sure to protect yourself and your assets. Stay strong. Find people you can trust.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Canada
Posts: 33
Hi Emma- I am truly sorry for what you're going through.
I just want to reiterate what SparkleKitty said: do your best to not personalize it- it truly isn't about you, your self-worth or "enoughness".
As a now sober alcoholic ( in recovery for almost 6 years), I had plenty of amazing and incredible people in my life. It didn't matter how much I cared about them, appreciated them and loved them- they all came after my deep love and obsession with alcohol.
I've heard it said before, and it's so true: asking an alcoholic to stop drinking is like asking us to stop breathing. It...just doesn't make any sense to us when we're in active addiction. Try control breathing? Sure...I can maintain that for a while...until I realize, "forget that! I prefer breathing (drinking) whenever I want/need! This controlled breathing (drinking) is too hard and takes too much effort!" Don't know if that analogy makes any sense, but I'm sure you understand what I'm trying to paint for you.
Just wanted you to hear from someone who has been in your husband's shoes that it really isn't about you. I have no doubt that you are a beautiful soul, inside and out. Please don't let anyone, especially an insane active alcoholic, make you think or feel otherwise.
I just want to reiterate what SparkleKitty said: do your best to not personalize it- it truly isn't about you, your self-worth or "enoughness".
As a now sober alcoholic ( in recovery for almost 6 years), I had plenty of amazing and incredible people in my life. It didn't matter how much I cared about them, appreciated them and loved them- they all came after my deep love and obsession with alcohol.
I've heard it said before, and it's so true: asking an alcoholic to stop drinking is like asking us to stop breathing. It...just doesn't make any sense to us when we're in active addiction. Try control breathing? Sure...I can maintain that for a while...until I realize, "forget that! I prefer breathing (drinking) whenever I want/need! This controlled breathing (drinking) is too hard and takes too much effort!" Don't know if that analogy makes any sense, but I'm sure you understand what I'm trying to paint for you.
Just wanted you to hear from someone who has been in your husband's shoes that it really isn't about you. I have no doubt that you are a beautiful soul, inside and out. Please don't let anyone, especially an insane active alcoholic, make you think or feel otherwise.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 205
Emma, I’m a recovering alcoholic with over a year now. I wanted to chime in because your husband sounds a lot like I was. Similar age, “functional”, shared a bed with my wife maybe 3-4 nights a week, isolated myself from her during drinking to watch movies (didn’t want her to get in my way of drinking really). She told me a few times I had a problem and wanted me to quit. I knew she was upset every time I brought home alcohol.
It’s when she became pregnant that I ramped up my drinking and it became apparent I had a problem. That’s when the not sleeping together etc. started. I had plans to quit when the baby came. However those plans turned into “I’m just going to cut back”. I repeated attempts at moderation and even tried to quit on my own a few times (lasted two weeks) for 4 years after my child was born.
Through some prayer, realizing my “functional” status was disappearing rapidly, poor health, realizing I just lacked the ability to control my drinking, etc. I decided I wanted to quit for MYSELF and I sought help and did quit. As much as I loved my wife and daughter I couldn’t do it for them
I don’t want to give you false hope your husband will do the same. Because, I think it’s the exception actually. I just wanted to let you know moderation isn’t going to work for him, baby coming wouldn’t fix anything, and he’ll need to want to quit for himself. Sometimes people can decide to quit for themselves after being convinced to go to treatment but that might be an exception too.
I echo gotmyback, it’s not about you. Active alcoholics are truly insane. Try to keep your sanity. I feel truly sorry for you and wish you the best.
It’s when she became pregnant that I ramped up my drinking and it became apparent I had a problem. That’s when the not sleeping together etc. started. I had plans to quit when the baby came. However those plans turned into “I’m just going to cut back”. I repeated attempts at moderation and even tried to quit on my own a few times (lasted two weeks) for 4 years after my child was born.
Through some prayer, realizing my “functional” status was disappearing rapidly, poor health, realizing I just lacked the ability to control my drinking, etc. I decided I wanted to quit for MYSELF and I sought help and did quit. As much as I loved my wife and daughter I couldn’t do it for them
I don’t want to give you false hope your husband will do the same. Because, I think it’s the exception actually. I just wanted to let you know moderation isn’t going to work for him, baby coming wouldn’t fix anything, and he’ll need to want to quit for himself. Sometimes people can decide to quit for themselves after being convinced to go to treatment but that might be an exception too.
I echo gotmyback, it’s not about you. Active alcoholics are truly insane. Try to keep your sanity. I feel truly sorry for you and wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
None of this is normal, but that doesn't even matter. This is not what you envisioned for your life nor what you want. The only thing sadder than what you are going through would be to spend years in this type of lonely, unfulfilling existence. You can't make someone else become healthy but you can sure work on making yourself healthy and when you do that you will be strong enough to follow through on your plans. Much love to you - we all understand how isolating this type of dance can be.
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