Smarie78

You hit the nail on the head. She use to share with me, then and now, that she couldn't emotionally cope with the pain she saw me in and didn't know how to handle it so had to shut off. In her defense I remember her calling me crying one night with an anxiety attack because she was so scared for me. In a sense I have always been a little stronger than her when dealing with tough things. She has intense anxiety and worry so when she would find things out he did or find out things I was dealing with it would send her through the roof with anxiety. She just couldn't "disconnect" from it because she felt terrified for my safety and just emotional health. I will say that even when he hit the last bottom, she cried for him. She was too emotionally invested in it and coped by shutting me out.

That helps me not take it so personal.

Smarie78

Thanks all. I just feel sad about it but need to not let it get to me. I have a strong twin feeling that she is with him right now. I truly do. She asked me this morning if she can get ready for an event at my apartment while I was at work today (an event I know "he" was going to tonight with her and other colleagues at a ball game). I said yes of course, didn't think anything of it. I use to change at her home too when she lived close to my office and I had plans after. Now I saw him and her separately at the office this morning and notice both have been gone for hours. I knew she was heading to my place soon to get dressed, but she hasn't answered my text if she already left. Makes me think they are at my home together right now (which would be insane but is starting to feel very possible). I would be devastated but not surprised. I also know her son is home sick from school today and his dad is watching him at their house. That means they will be there all day and night alone while she is out having her fling. The event is at 7 tonight I found out (which also makes me think she is there at my home now otherwise she could have gone to my house with me after work at 5). I know I sound very judgemental now but I don't know how she could feel ok just knowing her family is at home with no idea. That the boys are going to be alone without mom again tonight (she travels a lot). If she were just impacting her own life like I did, fine. But to me it feels like cheating on your whole family. Not to mention this man is my direct boss and I really would not want to know my boss was at my private space.

I am just ....disappointed. I feel cheated on too in a sense. Maybe because I was cheated on it hurts a little more to know how people do it and don't think about the other person on the other side who is completely clueless. Maybe not partner of the year, but you do owe them respect, no? It made me remember that she cheated on him while they were engaged too over 10 years ago. Maybe it's true what they say...

AnvilheadII

umm, trying to say this gently, but you kept an ongoing "relationship" with a married man.....for years. he too had a wife.....and a child.....and he rarely ever saw them. you two canoodled at your place.

Maybe because I was cheated on

while you cheated with a married person.

if you don't want to be a part of your sister's thing, then stop talking about it, stop conversations that go there, and do not allow her to be in your private space so she can get ready to go on a date with her married fling.

hopeful4

While Anvil was very to the point, I have to agree. If there is danger she is going to have her fling at your place, I would not let her be there. I would be honest about why. That is a boundary you have every right to.

She is making the decisions she is making. You cannot control it, and you don't have to participate in it. You can simply not talk to her about that part of her life. There is not much else you can do, despite her being your twin.

Sending you big hugs friend.

trailmix

I agree that is boundary over-stepping if they are in fact using your personal space to meet up.

As for chatting about this with your Sister. I do understand how hard that is. Even if it wasn't about an affair I'm sure it's difficult to go over this same ground all the time, wearing if nothing else. That said, we do tend to do that for people we are really close to. I'm sure you had much to say (at least in the beginning) about your ex.

Hey I've had these conversations lol - it's part of being there for someone whether we agree with it all or not. Expressing your feelings kindly and honestly is perhaps a good way to approach it.

As an aside, my opinion, for what it is worth, is that you were not cheating with your ex because while he was still legally married they were not together and that was very clear on all sides, to me that does not constitute "cheating" as you were not deceiving anyone.

Smarie78

So first thing, I did NOT cheat with a married person. Yes he was legally married, but his wife also had a partner and dated and they were estranged for YEARS before I met him. Both stayed legally married because she did not work and not a citizen so until she settled that they were married. I understand you can put it in the same category, but I was in no way running around canoodling or cheating or hiding our "affair" from her. She was fully aware of our relationship. This was not something we did and then he went home to her and lied. I'm sorry but it really is not the same thing as what my sister is doing by being with a married family man who goes home and kisses his wife and he she goes home and kisses her husband.

Smarie78

I appreciate that. I understand that legally one can call it that, but I honestly do not in my heart feel like I was "cheating". At any rate, that was my experience and I realize that everyone has a reason for they behave. whether it be cheating, staying in an abusive relationship, etc. I'm no better than my twin nor am I worse. I will continue to love her but no longer be privy to her conversation baiting about this affair. I realize when she talks about it to me I feel sad and frustrated and I have enough negative emotions I don't need to take on anymore. I can still love her yet separate myself from it all.

hopeful4

You are so right! You can still love her and separate yourself from it. Being her twin I can see that this has to be so hard for you. I think you have a wonderful heart and she, and her family, are lucky to have you.

PuzzledHeart

Perhaps this would be the time to drop hints that you're thinking of getting a security system with webcams. Gauge her reaction.