hopeful4

I could always tell it was going to happen. For some reason I always knew. Ugh.

atalose

Hopefully it will be different this go around because he is actually doing something different. I think that is the hardest part, for them to accept that it’s just not about stopping using. It’s about creating a new life where it is easier to NOT USE. Otherwise all the same factors that brought them to seek relief from alcohol/drugs will catch up with them again.

LovePeaceSushi

**SO TRUE**

There are a few situations that I worry about. I worry about his client that he always drinks with. This client invites him to football and basketball games and they always meet at a restaurant/bar beforehand. The last bender started this way. I'm not blaming the client, but I wish my husband would avoid him or meet him at lunch (client doesn't drink at lunch).

My husband also is a faithful fan to a certain college football team. He hadn't missed a home game since 1993 until 2 Fridays ago when he was admitted to the emergency room. I don't think that environment is conducive right now for recovery, but next week there will be a home game to go to and I know he's going to want to go.

The place he goes to therapy says that if the "Druggy Buggy" (the van they use to transport people in their in-patient facility) wouldn't take him there, then he shouldn't be putting himself in that situation. The fact that he thinks he is smarter/stronger/immune to succumbing to drinking is troublesome. His mentality is that "I've got to face it sometime"...mine is "It's too soon! You need to cocoon yourself!"

Time will tell. I do hope it's different this time. I take comfort in the fact that he did sign paperwork saying that if he relapses again he has to go into an inpatient facility. I'm trying to keep in mind that I can't control this .... that method has NEVER WORKED.

MCESaint

My AW was a public school teacher (was, because she quit her job - unannounced - at the end of the last school year).

Anyway, when she started at her last school, she met a teacher who didn't hang out with the others, go to happy hours, etc. That teacher told her pretty early on that she didn't do those things because she was an alcoholic and couldn't be around drinking, etc. About a year or so later, that teacher quit -- which I thought was a shame. I think AW could learn a lot from her (maybe).

For me, that will be the only TRUE sign that my AW is actually IN recovery. When she can say to anyone without fear of consequence (rejection, etc.) that she IS an alcoholic and in recovery.

To me, it's a little bit like "coming out" as being gay, lesbian, transgender, etc. - especially 20 or 30 years ago.

I believe a gay person (etc.) is born that way and will always be that way. Similar to (if not exactly the same) for an alcoholic.

For many decades, gay people were shunned, criminalized, ostracized. As a result they felt "shame" and "guilt" and were afraid to admit who/what they are to themselves. They were rejected by society as moral perverts. A similar thing with alcoholics. Even though many recognize addiction as a medical issue with genetic components, there is HUGE DOSE of "personal moral failure" that society dumps on alcoholics. Society, in general, doesn't heap near as much "moral failure" attitude on patients with coronary heart disease brought on by eating crap -- but an alcoholic, they'll line up to castigate.

(note, I'm not saying that alcoholism should be "acceptable," but our societal "moral outrage" meter or reaction needs to register more at the "heart patient" level of empathy instead of the "pervert" level of accusation when alcoholics "come out" and announce themselves as such).

In sum, I think full recovery means that the alcoholic accepts who they are and doesn't hide his/her alcoholism from anyone. If the world accepts them as recovering alcoholics, great. If not, water off the duck's back.

Sort of like how many gay people came out and said "we're here, we're queer, get used to it."

In a perfect world, OP's husband should say to his C "look, I can't meet you at the bar. Let's meet at the office or non-alcohol serving restaurant (e.g. Panera, etc.). If pressed why - he says "look, I have a problem with controlling my drinking." If the C rejects him for that problem, so be it -- lots of other clients in the world. But, there's a chance the C would agree to the change, no issues.

He just has to "not fear" the C's reaction because HE knows who and what he is.

THAT, to me at least, is what an alcoholic "in recovery" truly looks like.

THAT is the moment I hope my AW gets to -- but it may never come or it may come after our marriage is ended.

MCESaint

LovePeaceSushi

MCESaint, I agree wholeheartedly. My husband has a rare genetic condition that results in a bodily defect. His whole life, he's covered it up. I think it has a LOT to do with this whole situation and how he handles his life in general. I've always said that if he would just "let it all hang out" (i.e. just let it show and stop trying to cover it up) that it would be so liberating for him. We went on vacation once to Mexico and had a private pool....him swimming naked in that pool was like the best therapy he'd ever had....just being bare, doing something he'd always wanted to do (be in a situation like a swimming pool or the beach where you have to show more skin).

I think the same thing goes for Alcoholism. Just be bare with it. Lay it all out there and don't try to hide it. His client wouldn't shun him; I know that. AH and I have talked about it - - we agreed his client may even respect him more for being honest. I hope sometime soon he confides in his client the truth. It would make everything so much easier when it comes to getting together.

It *will* be a big sign of growth when AH starts doing this with his own life - and it's just so freeing. It's an acceptance of self. That's what it all boils down to.

atalose

What is your plan if he does relapse and he refuses to go to inpatient?

It’s always good to have “hope” that he will actually stick to wanting to stay sober but hope is not a plan. It’s wise that WE have our own plan for ourselves in the event our expectations of them getting clean/sober don’t come true.

LovePeaceSushi

Atalose, if that happens, we will have to separate. With the court proceedings going on with my ex (and even without), I can't have that going on. Husband can move out or pay for us to live somewhere else. It's understood that neither one of us wants a divorce, but I can't have my daughter around that.