Glenjo99

So having read codependent no more and early days in Al Anon a theme that seems to come up is us as codependents being able to state our needs.

Even typing this my stomach is jumping at the thoughts. Isn't it crazy how something seemingly so straightforward can cause such anxiety.

I suppose it's because I wouldn't believe my needs deserve to be met, that I'm worthy of them being met, that I am worthy full stop.

Be interested in hearing your experiences of doing this. My instinct is it will take practise, belief in myself, and checking in to see how I'm feeling and how can I meet my need, for myself!

You?

Mellybug

I was in a relationship with a sociopath on and off for 16 years. I went into the relationship healthy and had very little problems stating my needs but over time his overbearing personality coupled with his sociopathic tendencies wore me down to the point where I hardly EVER stated my needs and most times didn’t even acknowledge I had any. A common internal phrase for me was, “It doesn’t matter.”
The few times I would express my needs was met with incredulity that I would even think he WASN’T meeting them. I can even hear that phony soothing tone of voice in which he would have these conversations with me. I got to the point where I wouldn’t even bother expressing anything unless I felt VERY strong about them.
Eventually after the 4th “known” affair I kicked him out and worked on myself. I felt better than ever!
Enter my now XABF. I had no issues at all expressing my needs - I had learned to be strong and confident, so it came easy. When the issue of his addiction came more into the light I didn’t even have a problem establishing boundaries and expressing them clearly.
Then I started to notice that my needs were not being met or respected, and that my boundaries were continuously being trampled upon. And I stayed. I was inconsistent in enforcing my boundaries - mostly because I had difficulty noticing his pattern when he was drunk, or he would trigger me into an argument and I just couldn’t resist.
It got bad enough that I left him 3-4 times but he always talked me into staying. Well, that’s not true - he would act like nothing had changed and I would fall back into the same habits and routine we had always had.
Finally I joined Al-Anon and realized that the pain of staying was worse than the pain of leaving. I broke it off with him and eventually had to go No Contact because of his manipulation tactics.
Identifying and stating my needs are only one part of the equation for me - the other part is what to do about it if your needs aren’t being met.
I saw it as that if he ignored my needs and boundaries he doesn’t respect me as a person and I don’t want to be with someone like that.

The more I stated my needs, the more I felt worthy. The more worthy I felt the more comfortable I got expressing my needs. At first it may have been a “fake it until you make it” scenario, but with practice it gets easier.

hearthealth

We can express our needs lovingly and an appropriate time. I am finding that in a relationship that lacks love, the other person may not have the ability to give us what we need. It may be them, not me. We can't control or cure them of their lack of showing us love. I may get the same response over and over again. What boundary am I setting? I'm I now tired of living this way? Am I tired of the example set for the children?

FireSprite

First I had to be able to define my needs - sounds simple but it was actually extremely difficult.

After a lifetime of defining myself around others & always putting their opinions into consideration ahead of mine I honestly didn't KNOW what I thought-liked-needed-wanted.

Working on this:
has been critical for me in order to make those needs "stick". Baby steps - I work it from all sides as examples rise IRL to instruct me. Sometimes I define a need & have to work on accepting being worthy of it & sometimes I get around the worthiness but need to introspect more on the "need".

LovePeaceSushi

As codependents, our needs always come last, right? And we'd just as soon have it that way!!!

Make a list of your needs. (As I type this, I realize I need to make a list of my own needs, so I'm not coming to you as a know-it-all!)

Let your needs be on the forefront of your consciousness and share them with your SO. So often the dynamic is that THEIR needs come first because their problems are so BIG! Ours can wait and we don't want to do anything to set the other off or put added stressors into the equation.

As I write this, I know I need to do what I'm telling you to do. Ha! Isn't it funny how easy it is to give advice to others, yet following it is a different story?

• I need to be in a relationship that has total honesty - the good, the bad, and the ugly. I abhor any kind of lie. A lie is a cheap way out of getting to what is really going on. Tell me the truth and hurt me in the moment - tell me a lie and hurt me for a season.
• I need to have physical touch - that is my love language. There is no greater pleasure in my world than to have my legs and feet rubbed/stroked after dinner. If I had a choice between a 20 carat diamond and a lifetime of touch, I'd choose touch, hands-down. I've told my husband on more than one occasion that if I'm dying, just stroke my arms and tickle the palms of my hands while I go. It's that important to me.
• I need verbal affirmation. Not my primary love language, but as a SAHM and unpaid worker (I do all the marketing, contracts, and paperwork for my husband's business), I need to know that what I'm doing as a wife and mother counts for something!

And I love what hearthealth said about the example set for the children. That is something that weighs on my mind a lot and it has been a great motivator in me seeking counseling, getting my daughter into counseling, and setting hard boundaries about my husband's drinking. I am living the repercussions of my alcoholic mother....I don't want that for our daughter.

aliciagr

In order to express my needs -
I have to know what my needs are.
And yes, feel like I deserve to have my own needs.
And that I deserve to have them respected by those people who are in my life.

And I say 'have my needs respected' because when I was dating it was apparent that some people were not capable of meeting my needs, and they had needs I could not meet. That's ok too. Bending myself to meet another persons needs was wrong if it caused me to go against my own principles, beliefs is not appropriate.

That's where it all starts for me. Who am I? What do I believe in? What are my values? My likes, dislikes? Where can I bend to compromise with people in a relationship? But where must I hold my ground otherwise break my own values, my own sense of self, identity, lose respect for myself?

This last part, is what happened when I was with my husband during his relapse. I bent myself too far and started to doubt myself, forget my needs, wants, goals for the future.

In your post, you mentioned not feeling worthy, or worth having your needs met. Maybe start with thinking about social relationships, etiquette and in ways which ALL people should be respected and treated. Then advance to thinking about what you need for more personal relationships. Its something I did, and with this came thoughts of how I was raised, values, religious principles and such,

Communicating your needs and listening to what another person needs in their life is a whole other topic.

LifeRecovery

I really struggled with knowing what my needs were. Actually that is still probably the hardest part for me.

There is a movie called Runaway Bride. Not commenting on the movie itself, but in it Julia Robert's character is asked "What kind of eggs are your favorite," and she cannot answer it. Whatever significant other in her life would answer that her favorite was his favorite. It resonated with me

At the end of the movie of course she figures it out. That was my concrete example of helping me to figure out my own needs, and the idea I come back to time and time again.

You are doing some great work.

Glenjo99

Thanks life recovery. I am going to watch that film this week. She only liked what he liked...sounds so familiar!!

Talking to a counsellor today, who was saying not only do I have to be able to state my needs in a healthy way, but the person you are talking to must be receptive to hearing them aswell, so means there's work on their part too, if this isn't something the other people in your life are used to you doing. Makes sense I suppose.

LifeRecovery

So funny I almost had a paragraph on that.

I spent a long time with the person who got me here working on expressing my needs. They were not heard.

I then spent a lot of time blaming myself for him not hearing them. I kept feeling like I said it wrong.

It is only in retrospect that I realized that he could not hear me.....because he was not ready to step into that yet. His defense of his addiction was clogging up his ears.

Keep up the good work.