ladyscribbler

My ex "moved on" at warp speed after I left. It was incredibly painful, and I obsessed over what I imagined their relationship must be like. My logical brain knew that he probably hadn't changed, but the possibility that he might be better "for her" ate me up inside.

He was never on social media, so the first inkling I got was with the notice that he was suing me for 50/50 custody. The paperwork listed a wife and three stepdaughters. Neither I nor anyone in their family had any inkling this had happened (she is his aunt by marriage, the s.d.s are his first cousins). So, yeah, that happened. Later on he admitted to his mom that he thought being married would make him seem more stable to the judge in the custody case.

I got treated to their "witness statements" and court testimony about how my abusive behavior and horrible character drove my ex to drink alcoholically. All it took to turn him around was the love of a good woman, etc.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this right now. It's a giant suckburger, especially when everything is so fresh and raw. Time and distance (and venting at SR) helped me gain the perspective I needed.

This blog is about infidelity, but I feel like this post also applies to alcoholic exes who immediately find a new "soul mate."

https://www.chumplady.com/2018/04/wh...artners-marry/

TropicalWinter

I love the Chump Lady site! That site plus this one have been amazing resources for my healing. I'm really understanding these days how much better off I am without my cheating (he now lives with the OW) alcoholic.

Sasha1972

Ladyscribbler he married his aunt?! And his stepchildren are also his cousins!? And this menage was going to turn his life around after his (unrelated) wife broke up with him because of his drinking?

I can just imagine the judge reading this, rubbing her aching head, and thinking "this is going to be a three-Tylenol day".

ladyscribbler

He and I weren't married, but yeah. They spent a fair amount of time in court explaining how totally normal their relationship was (i.e. he and she aren't actually blood relatives) and also proving that they had indoor plumbing in their trailer and had removed the outhouse that her late husband (ex's uncle, his dad's brother) dug/built in the front yard. All to prove that he never had a drinking problem and if he did it was all my fault.

trailmix

omg ladyscribbler. I read this and it made me laugh, then thinking of it from your viewpoint it's not funny at all.

ladyscribbler

I can look back at it now and see the ludicrous humor in their behavior. It's Quackers fodder. At the time I was going through all that it felt like my heart was dissolving in acid every time they threw another log of crazy onto the bonfire. That's why I wanted to share.

Everything he did at that time was about spiting me. It was an obsession. He was going to "destroy" me in court. He didn't ride off into the sunset with his one true love because he was over me, but because he was still fixated on me and wanted a reaction. The expression "cutting off your nose to spite your face" comes to mind.

These "perfect" new relationships are never about making the new partner happy.

mamabear26

I can completely understand how you feel. My STBAXH has cheated on me twice that I know of (probably more times than I find out about). He left our home, he said to try and get "better." All the while he was pulling hundreds of dollars to take women out on dates and his drinking stayed the same. It wasn't until my cousin, a police officer, caught him at the park at 11pm at night with another woman in his car. This was the final straw for me. I filed for divorce. He kept trying to get back into my good graces but I stayed strong. At the beginning of the year I found out he had been seeing this woman whom he works with. She spends the night with him at his Mom's house. Even though we had been separated for a long time, it hurt like hell. Even after I confronted him about it. He was still trying to take family trips with me and the kids. Now I have stopped having verbal conversations with him completely. It's still been a process for me to gather the fact that any woman in her right mind would want anything to do with a man like him. I just try to remind myself that she is getting the same abusive, alcoholic, unfaithful man that I have dealt with for over 12 years. It's better her than me.

Eddiebuckle

Ignorance. Time will take care of that soon enough.

FindingAmy

I work with my ex (that will be over soon), but in the past month I would text him and he would text back an hour later with something clearly not written by him. When you know someone 30 years, you know how they write, spell, etc. My first reaction was, is he kidding? He has to have his GF write back to me? Seriously? After almost 30 years of marriage? And then I stopped and laughed to myself. She is writing his texts! hahaha The big boy can't even respond in a text to me he has to have his GF write it for him. Ohhhh, she may think that mothering thing is cute now, give it some time honey, it gets really old. And I just smiled to myself thinking I never have to mother him again and my next relationship will be with a man that is my equal and someone intelligent and man enough to communicate with me and not hide behind texts or have someone else text pretending to be him. And his facade continues and I get to go off in freedom and live my life free of that nonsense. Never again. I love myself way too much now to ever settle for less than what I deserve.

Trust me, unless they do the very hard work (and it is HARD) they don't change. And if they are jumping in bed right away with another woman, which is what mine did (and someone from AA no less), then they are just distracting, hiding and everything else they do that allows them to avoid looking at their pain head on. Maybe it's ok for his GF, it's not ok for me and never will be. I deserve more and I know someday I will find that love again. And so will you. Just take care of you.

Nata1980

Yes, this

Ladyscribbler - XAH also has a trailer and outhouse issues. No live-in GF as far as I am aware though....

NYCDoglvr

The two big fears: loosing what I have and not getting what I want.

When I was in a similar situation my sponsor pointed out that I am comparing my insides to her outsides. You have no way of knowing what is really going on, it all projection. It takes the sting out a bit to realize that.

Sasha1972

Okay, I know this is not actually funny - but, OMG, if your life has devolved to the point where you're in court telling the judge that you aren't actually engaged in incest because you married your aunt, plus there's no longer an outhouse in your front yard so it's a healthy happy home - man, your life has gone way off the rails.