Glenjo99

Have been learning a lot about this over the last few weeks, reading a great book co dependent no more and other articles. It's a shock to the system to realise i have been codependent in a relationship without realizing it. He is an alcoholic and I was overly dependent on him for my sense of well being which I'm paying price for now in pain of him not being here. He has come out of rehab and decided he wants to cut ties with me for now but will be in touch to make amends in future when he's on those steps in AA. So I am learning to detach with love too, and look after myself. Great research and advise out there but just wanted to say that for all the advise and work that has to be done, sometimes I have a pain in my head from reading all the words and articles and books and just miss him. Who knew life could be this hard when it could be so simple.

trailmix

Well at least you are researching this now and not 10 years from now right? I hope you take some solace in that, it's important to know your happiness comes from yourself.

That's not to say that someone else doesn't do things that make us happy, well you've read the books, you know!

Relationships don't have to be with an addict to be lopsided. Neither may be codependent to start but things can get to be that way and one partner starts picking up the slack, making allowances, getting hurt along the way.

You are now aware. That's so very important going forward. You will be practicing what you now know. Will you always translate what you know perfectly, no, but it will be in your thoughts and you will spot it in relationships and in yourself and keep moving forward.

So that's great!

maia1234

G,
Its ok to miss our addicts. I am divorced 3.5 years and I still miss my addict. (why I have no idea)

Sometimes its just not healthy for us to live or be with our addicts anymore, no one said that we had to stop "loving" them. Love him from a distance, pray for him that he stays sober, work your program and get healthy.

You have no idea what the future holds for us... hugs!!

AnvilheadII

we tend to forget how many OTHER things we also reminisce, miss, remember.

other people, other places, other things. but things get relegated to our past. things we remember. they are not with us today. there just isn't a cart big enough to carry all that baggage. it's like life is an airport, and you get to pack all you need in one carry on bag. what are you going to leave room for.....underwear and toothpaste......or some jackass no good ex boyfriend?

so when it comes time to let go of a person, we must relegate them and our memories of them to our past. we only have so much room .

lizatola

WOW, Anvil, this was so well written and visually makes sense to me in my own tiny mind, you know?

Thank you for putting this out there so succinctly!

Glenjo99

Thanks, empathy is so comforting. It is ok to miss them and love them from afar.

trailmix

Absolutely it is. Detachment is key though.

What i'm reading in your posts is that you are waiting for him. Am I picking up on that wrong?

Are you hoping that when he comes to do his amends (which could be a long time from now) that perhaps he will be willing to rekindle your relationship?

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that and i'm not judging you if that is the case. I just think that, based on what you have shared, that you might get terribly disappointed again?

Glenjo99

Hi, no I'm not waiting for him. His words were he will be in touch when he is doing the amends part of 12 steps and maybe we could start a friendship up again then. I've realized now it's pointless waiting because I have no control over that, he may not even come back to make amends. All I can do is work on me, and learn everything I can about this codependency thing that I had no idea about before this, so that I can recognise if it's happening again and to stay the hell away from addicts!! Also to improve my own self worth which will take some time, as I read somewhere, I'm now a codependent in recovery.

The old relationship we had is more or less dead. Took me a good while to accept this, and still have my moments of incredulity as to what happened. Moments.

If somewhere down the road in the future, a stronger healthier him and a stronger, healthier self loving me, managed somehow to start a new friendship then I'm open to that but again, have no control over it.

Glenjo99

Just to show how difficult this whole thing is, yesterday I was feeling very strong and happy in learning more about codependency. Today I cannot get him out of my mind, I've been crying for the last twenty minutes even writing this, the pain of not having him in my life is so bad. So just when I think I'm getting a handle on this thing, it pulls me back down with a bang to remind me! For all the words that are written, books read and comfort offered, it really is horrible to not have that special someone in your life anymore. There are no answers, no fixes, no cures just feeling pain. This is 10 weeks on.

SparkleKitty

Glen, it's no coincidence that learning more about codependency will bring up a lot of stuff. It's not a setback, please don't frame it that way. It's just part of the non-linear path of recovery and learning to love and respect yourself as you deserve.

Glenjo99

Your right it's no coincidence. One step forward and two back, certainly is non linear. I don't feel it's worth it today, but I'll go through this

SparkleKitty

I had many days where I thought I would never feel better. I look back now and couldn't be more grateful I went through that pain to get where I am today.

Glenjo99

Are you in a happy relationship now?

SparkleKitty

Yes. But I took a good chunk of time away from relationships (three years to be exact) while I consciously tackled my codependency issues. It was a very scary thing to do, having hopped from one relationship to another my entire adult life. During that time I focused only on my own relationship with myself, and by the time I met my now-husband, I knew that I did not need a relationship with someone else in order to be happy.

We've been together ten years now and just celebrated our 8th anniversary, and I truly believe that our success is directly tied to the fact that we both come to it from healthy, independent states of well-being. Neither is trying to get the other one to "complete" them, or whatever that stupid Jerry Maguire reference is. We are partners, best friends, and we love each other for who we are, not for what we wish we were or what we can get from each other.

Glenjo99

Wow that sounds lovely, well done. I'm going to a codependents anonymous meeting on Saturday to begin consciously tackling it like you did.

NYCDoglvr

In early alcoholism recovery I complained about ex boyfriend to my sponsor. Her reply: "well, you picked him"! Outch. But it was a very useful way of seeing my own problems, that they are the result of my own muddled thinking.