Lightbulb moments for me, and he won't do the work.
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To be honest when you said that in the past, I thought you were being kind of anti-marriage and giving the A excuses to continue to be selfish.
Oh my gosh I was WRONG. Not a legal separation, just living apart while we worked on our own things and also family/marriage counseling when he was stable. That would have been ideal!
Good gosh, had I only known. I can honestly say with 100% assurance, this is worse than when he was drinking. But, he's sticking in there, each victory hard fought, and we're both slowly clawing our way up. But physical seperation would have been ideal. Geeze.
Oh my gosh I was WRONG. Not a legal separation, just living apart while we worked on our own things and also family/marriage counseling when he was stable. That would have been ideal!
Good gosh, had I only known. I can honestly say with 100% assurance, this is worse than when he was drinking. But, he's sticking in there, each victory hard fought, and we're both slowly clawing our way up. But physical seperation would have been ideal. Geeze.
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Wamama….lol...and people wonder why I have always said that I think it should be a "law"....that the alcoholic should live the first year of sobriety away from the family....like in a monestary -like facility, high in the mountains of Nepal. Where they can focus and work on themselves without putting the family through *ell, and give the family a break.....
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Sasha, that is horrible, that poor man. Imagine having to learn, as an adult, what 5 year olds already know. My son has Autism, he didn't actually say "I feel_____ until he was 14. Now he can identify all of his emotions and is still learning to keep annoyance, anger and frustration in check. Sometimes he does a better job with that than the rest of us LOL
AH started drinking when he was 12. My husband can recognize his emotions, but then he's stuck. He freezes. He is learning how to feel them, then process them. He gets incredibly frustrated. For me, it feels like being married to a pre-teen.
He's back on the horse for now. Either way he knows it is not right, ever, to talk to me like he has been, or take his anger out on me. He can go kick a tree, or better yet, call his sponser and get his butt to a meeting. But the way he treated me, that will never happen again.
Yeah I know I'm supposed to respond with love, not anger. I'm not beating him over the head with it for weeks on end, I'm firm in my boundary and this is the way I feel about it.
AH started drinking when he was 12. My husband can recognize his emotions, but then he's stuck. He freezes. He is learning how to feel them, then process them. He gets incredibly frustrated. For me, it feels like being married to a pre-teen.
He's back on the horse for now. Either way he knows it is not right, ever, to talk to me like he has been, or take his anger out on me. He can go kick a tree, or better yet, call his sponser and get his butt to a meeting. But the way he treated me, that will never happen again.
Yeah I know I'm supposed to respond with love, not anger. I'm not beating him over the head with it for weeks on end, I'm firm in my boundary and this is the way I feel about it.
Originally Posted by Sasha1972
The idea of foreign emotions makes me think of something a friend once told me (he's not an addict but grew up in some pretty unfavorable circumstances): until he was in his 30s, he didn't know how to feel anything but angry. The people he grew up around responded to everything they didn't like by either getting drunk/high or getting mad. My friend said he found a therapist who literally named emotions for him - what you're feeling now when you think about your deceased relative is grief. That way you feel when no one talks to you for a few days is loneliness. When you don't like something your girlfriend does, that's annoyance. He had to consciously work to develop an emotional vocabulary that went beyond "p!ssed off at the world". Maybe your AH is similar?
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Had he been drunk so long he didn't realize she was so annoying? I was ROFL at that. I can see that going through some RA minds.
What you said here...some emotions are probably pretty foreign, problem solving skills are elusive.... Yes and yes. His skills are developing. Its hard not having an equal partner, but I haven't had one in years. It was easier to let him be drunk and live as roommates, than it is to watch him struggle so hard, and live this rollercoaster that is our life right now.
But, there is an end somewhere, he's trying, I'm trying. I moved back into our bedroom after 9 months. I was getting ready for bed, my 12 year old came to give me a kiss goodnight and said....your sleeping in here now? Then with a big smile said "yay!", then walked off to do whatever he was doing. Sweet success in little things.
But yeah, I want off this rollercoaster. I never liked them anyway, and I especially don't like this one! I just keep in mind there most likely will be a good ride coming up.
I'm being realistic here, there are no guarantees. But at least we will both know in our hearts, we tried our very best and gave it all we had. QUOTE=trailmix;6986271]I was reading a post in the Newcomers forum a few weeks ago and the person had been sober for a short while (can't remember if it was a few weeks or months).
Anyway he mentioned how annoying his wife was. He knew he was being extremely sensitive to everything she did and finding fault with it and he was wondering - was it him or was it her?
Had he been drunk so long he didn't realize she was so annoying? He posted later that once he stood back and looked at it he realized it was his mood, recovery, etc etc
I guess the point is that it's still going to be a bit (ok a lot) of a roller coaster. I think after drinking for so long some emotions are probably pretty foreign, problem solving skills are elusive, it's tough work for all involved.[/QUOTE]
What you said here...some emotions are probably pretty foreign, problem solving skills are elusive.... Yes and yes. His skills are developing. Its hard not having an equal partner, but I haven't had one in years. It was easier to let him be drunk and live as roommates, than it is to watch him struggle so hard, and live this rollercoaster that is our life right now.
But, there is an end somewhere, he's trying, I'm trying. I moved back into our bedroom after 9 months. I was getting ready for bed, my 12 year old came to give me a kiss goodnight and said....your sleeping in here now? Then with a big smile said "yay!", then walked off to do whatever he was doing. Sweet success in little things.
But yeah, I want off this rollercoaster. I never liked them anyway, and I especially don't like this one! I just keep in mind there most likely will be a good ride coming up.
I'm being realistic here, there are no guarantees. But at least we will both know in our hearts, we tried our very best and gave it all we had. QUOTE=trailmix;6986271]I was reading a post in the Newcomers forum a few weeks ago and the person had been sober for a short while (can't remember if it was a few weeks or months).
Anyway he mentioned how annoying his wife was. He knew he was being extremely sensitive to everything she did and finding fault with it and he was wondering - was it him or was it her?
Had he been drunk so long he didn't realize she was so annoying? He posted later that once he stood back and looked at it he realized it was his mood, recovery, etc etc
I guess the point is that it's still going to be a bit (ok a lot) of a roller coaster. I think after drinking for so long some emotions are probably pretty foreign, problem solving skills are elusive, it's tough work for all involved.[/QUOTE]
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Tonight I was looking at something and ended up watching a youtube video on Aspergers - I'm sure you are probably familiar with this as it is on the autism scale, perhaps not what your Son is diagnosed with.
Anyway, you know how it is when you are looking at something and then all of a sudden you are watching a video on a subject which is not what you were looking for/at in the first place.
One thing he mentioned which I just thought of when reading your reply is the high incidence of a parent of a child with autism, also having autism. I can't remember what the percentage was, but it was significant.
Have you two looked at the possibility he also might be autistic? One thing also mentioned in the talk I was watching is that he gave an example of a patient that had picked up alcohol as a youth, struggling to fit in and the dramatic effect it had on reducing the teen's anxiety produced by his inability to fit in - he went on to become an addict.
The Dr. stated how he wished he would have known him then and if the child had been introduced to meditation etc, how different that outcome might have been.
I know that alcoholics struggle with emotions in many cases, expressing, identifying etc but just a thought.
Here is the video if you are interested at all:
Anyway, you know how it is when you are looking at something and then all of a sudden you are watching a video on a subject which is not what you were looking for/at in the first place.
One thing he mentioned which I just thought of when reading your reply is the high incidence of a parent of a child with autism, also having autism. I can't remember what the percentage was, but it was significant.
Have you two looked at the possibility he also might be autistic? One thing also mentioned in the talk I was watching is that he gave an example of a patient that had picked up alcohol as a youth, struggling to fit in and the dramatic effect it had on reducing the teen's anxiety produced by his inability to fit in - he went on to become an addict.
The Dr. stated how he wished he would have known him then and if the child had been introduced to meditation etc, how different that outcome might have been.
I know that alcoholics struggle with emotions in many cases, expressing, identifying etc but just a thought.
Here is the video if you are interested at all:
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Wamama…...lol....I didn't realize that you took it that way...about the alcoholics living in the mountains of Nepal thing....
Of course...that is a bit of an extreme example--to make a point....
But, I do think that sober house living is an adaptation of that idea.
My husband and I owned an Oxford House, for a while....we owned it, and the Oxford House organization rented it from us. It was for men. The average stay, there was about 6 months, but some stayed as long as 18 months. They did really well. (you can google Oxford House and get their website)….
Most families are not prepared for how much the alcoholic brain has been effected for those who have been long-term, heavy alcoholics....and, that it takes about a year for the brain to get back to normal functioning....plus the psychological dynamics that go on....
Of course...that is a bit of an extreme example--to make a point....
But, I do think that sober house living is an adaptation of that idea.
My husband and I owned an Oxford House, for a while....we owned it, and the Oxford House organization rented it from us. It was for men. The average stay, there was about 6 months, but some stayed as long as 18 months. They did really well. (you can google Oxford House and get their website)….
Most families are not prepared for how much the alcoholic brain has been effected for those who have been long-term, heavy alcoholics....and, that it takes about a year for the brain to get back to normal functioning....plus the psychological dynamics that go on....
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trailmix…..I think that happens a lot....d ual diagnosis in the alcoholic/addict....
Things like autism spectrum...especially high-functioning on the scale...like
Aspergers….and, adult ADHD....There are millions of people walking around with adult ADHD...and never know it....usually recognized when their child is diagnosed.
I always suspect a dual diagnosis (of some kind)...when there are multiple admissions to rehabs....nd the person just returns to drinking, very soon after....
Also, when a person insists on not liking to be in groups...….there may be other things like social anxiety disorder, etc....
Things like autism spectrum...especially high-functioning on the scale...like
Aspergers….and, adult ADHD....There are millions of people walking around with adult ADHD...and never know it....usually recognized when their child is diagnosed.
I always suspect a dual diagnosis (of some kind)...when there are multiple admissions to rehabs....nd the person just returns to drinking, very soon after....
Also, when a person insists on not liking to be in groups...….there may be other things like social anxiety disorder, etc....
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Good call! I've wondered too if RAH has Autism. Even more so when our youngest son was also diagnosed 9 years ago. He is the boys biological dad. My other 4 children from previous marriage, do not have Autism.
RAH nephew (his brothers boy) also was diagnosed, in his teens, with Autism. But I've never seen any blaring signs of Autism in my RAH.
Universally most Autistic children have sensory difficulties on a grander scale than average children. Our son had to change his shirt if the was even one drop of water on it, he refused to blow his nose until he was 10 because it felt weird, he wouldn't get on a swing or anything with wheels because the movement terrified him.
The only sensory difficulties I see in my RAH is extreme sensitivity on the ends of his fingers and toes, and he's very sensitive to the textures of food.
The other blaring, and usually required for an autism diagnosis, is being a late, or non-talker. Both our boys didn't talk until well past age three. Per family history, RAH was average in that area. But who knows what their definition of average was.
Then there is the feelings, recognizing them, processing them. Our now 17 yo had extreme difficulties, our 12 yo was later than the average child, but tells us exactly, and leaves no room for doubt, how he feels.
RAH has always been very social, he likes being around people, talking and doing activities. So does our 12 yo. You have to almost force our 17 yo to do the same. There's such a variation, even under the Autism spectrum, its so hard to tell.
It's something worth bringing up to him again, even at this late date. Maybe this could shine some light on why he's having such a hard time.
RAH nephew (his brothers boy) also was diagnosed, in his teens, with Autism. But I've never seen any blaring signs of Autism in my RAH.
Universally most Autistic children have sensory difficulties on a grander scale than average children. Our son had to change his shirt if the was even one drop of water on it, he refused to blow his nose until he was 10 because it felt weird, he wouldn't get on a swing or anything with wheels because the movement terrified him.
The only sensory difficulties I see in my RAH is extreme sensitivity on the ends of his fingers and toes, and he's very sensitive to the textures of food.
The other blaring, and usually required for an autism diagnosis, is being a late, or non-talker. Both our boys didn't talk until well past age three. Per family history, RAH was average in that area. But who knows what their definition of average was.
Then there is the feelings, recognizing them, processing them. Our now 17 yo had extreme difficulties, our 12 yo was later than the average child, but tells us exactly, and leaves no room for doubt, how he feels.
RAH has always been very social, he likes being around people, talking and doing activities. So does our 12 yo. You have to almost force our 17 yo to do the same. There's such a variation, even under the Autism spectrum, its so hard to tell.
It's something worth bringing up to him again, even at this late date. Maybe this could shine some light on why he's having such a hard time.
Originally Posted by trailmix
Tonight I was looking at something and ended up watching a youtube video on Aspergers - I'm sure you are probably familiar with this as it is on the autism scale, perhaps not what your Son is diagnosed with.
Anyway, you know how it is when you are looking at something and then all of a sudden you are watching a video on a subject which is not what you were looking for/at in the first place.
One thing he mentioned which I just thought of when reading your reply is the high incidence of a parent of a child with autism, also having autism. I can't remember what the percentage was, but it was significant.
Have you two looked at the possibility he also might be autistic? One thing also mentioned in the talk I was watching is that he gave an example of a patient that had picked up alcohol as a youth, struggling to fit in and the dramatic effect it had on reducing the teen's anxiety produced by his inability to fit in - he went on to become an addict.
The Dr. stated how he wished he would have known him then and if the child had been introduced to meditation etc, how different that outcome might have been.
I know that alcoholics struggle with emotions in many cases, expressing, identifying etc but just a thought.
Here is the video if you are interested at all:
Anyway, you know how it is when you are looking at something and then all of a sudden you are watching a video on a subject which is not what you were looking for/at in the first place.
One thing he mentioned which I just thought of when reading your reply is the high incidence of a parent of a child with autism, also having autism. I can't remember what the percentage was, but it was significant.
Have you two looked at the possibility he also might be autistic? One thing also mentioned in the talk I was watching is that he gave an example of a patient that had picked up alcohol as a youth, struggling to fit in and the dramatic effect it had on reducing the teen's anxiety produced by his inability to fit in - he went on to become an addict.
The Dr. stated how he wished he would have known him then and if the child had been introduced to meditation etc, how different that outcome might have been.
I know that alcoholics struggle with emotions in many cases, expressing, identifying etc but just a thought.
Here is the video if you are interested at all:
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It's something worth bringing up to him again, even at this late date. Maybe this could shine some light on why he's having such a hard time.
I'd be wary how you proceed with this. My ex used possible autism as an excuse to carry on drinking. Also armchair diagnosis are not always correct. Everyone thought my ex was autistic by the way I described him. He's not tho.
I'd be wary how you proceed with this. My ex used possible autism as an excuse to carry on drinking. Also armchair diagnosis are not always correct. Everyone thought my ex was autistic by the way I described him. He's not tho.
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I'm sorry about your ex. 😞 I think RA can find any excuse to use to justify drinking. The wind is blowing South, the dog is barking, their mom made them mad. I agree, only a professional can diagnose him. I have mentioned it to him in the past, as well as both doctors when our boys were diagnosed. My part is over, what he does with it is now on his side of the street.
Originally Posted by Ladybird579
It's something worth bringing up to him again, even at this late date. Maybe this could shine some light on why he's having such a hard time.
I'd be wary how you proceed with this. My ex used possible autism as an excuse to carry on drinking. Also armchair diagnosis are not always correct. Everyone thought my ex was autistic by the way I described him. He's not tho.
I'd be wary how you proceed with this. My ex used possible autism as an excuse to carry on drinking. Also armchair diagnosis are not always correct. Everyone thought my ex was autistic by the way I described him. He's not tho.
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