Aquiana

My ABF is driving me nuts. Not because of anything he's doing on purpose but because I never know what to say. He did really well after rehab for about a month. Then he drank one day. Now he wants to go out for "a couple beers" with a guy from work today. He isn't using any programs although he has to start next week for his probation. I just never know what to say. I could tell him I don't want him to go and he probably wouldn't, but won't that make him bitter eventually if he feels like a prisoner? I could tell him go ahead, but will he think that's me saying it's alright? Should I be thankful he's doing as well as he's doing? Two days in a month and a half is a huge improvement, He hasn't gone that long since he was 17. He's totally convinced he can control it now and only go every once in a while. So far he's proving himself but how long will that last? If I say, "well at least he's improved" am I just enabling him and fooling myself? Should I give him the benefit of a doubt that he's gained some insight on how to drink responsibly? Has anyone gone through this "slight recovery" thing that can give me an idea as how to communicate with him? I just don't know what to do.

ASpouse

How about just telling him to do what he wants? He is looking to you to validate his behavior ...... this is not a good position to put yourself in.

minnie

ASpouse is right.

I try and literally say nothing at all in these situations. Or say "you know what's best". Even when it's obvious they don't. Just don't give him your opinion, because if it all goes pear-shaped again, you'll get the blame.

ASpouse

I also wanted to add that alcoholics never gain insight on how to drink responsibly ..... using the words alcoholic and responsibly in the same sentence is like an oxymoron.

Petunia

Aquina,

Ohh how nice it would be if we didn't have to be so excited about normal behavior. Like we are so in need of it that we will cheer ever the most expected of good behavior. I did it, and sometimes still do it. But it never feels as good as when it is genuine happiness with something "nice" that someone has done.

We get so wrapped up in our A's life but we don't have to reward or cheer them unless we feel like it. You might ask yourself - "Is this something that (pick someone you respect) would cheer/reward/acknowledge their SO for doing?" Some things may be yes, others might be no. But you don't have to automatically react to what's going on - which is what I'm getting from you post.

Sound like progress to me. You're getting there - one day at a time....

Petunia

cwohio

yep - it's his decision!

ASpouse

What Petunia is saying is correct also. It sounds as if you are not sure how to support your BF. It's tough to figure it out, I did it by trial and error mostly until I found a spot I was most comfortable, supporting without enabling.

Aquiana

Thanx guys. You're right I shouldn't say a thing even though I really want to. I doubt anything I can say will really have the desired effect anyway, and of course, it's his decision.

One other thing I'm not sure I'm doing right is kind of hard to explain.... I don't think he likes to drink as much in front of me. I mean, he has but never as bad as when I'm not around. I don't know why, but I think I make it too uncomfortable sometimes. The only time I've ever seen the really bad stuff was when I didn't come around till after he was already pickled. Here's the thing. I'm 99.9% sure that if I went with him today, which I was invited to, he wouldn't drink tonight. Is it selfish of me to not go? I know I don't really want to go with him and some other guy but should I? I don't really want to have to go to stop him all the time either though. Should I or shouldn't I?

ASpouse

Look, this is about YOU, not him. If you don't want to go, then don't go, plain and simple.

It is a HUGE responsibility to take on "babysitting" an adult. If he was going to meetings and had a sponsor, he would have the meetings and his sponsor to talk things over with.

You have allowed him to put you in a situation where you call the shots and that is bad. You are only responsible for you and your behavior, not his!

sweeks

You should only go for you. Whether or not he drinks is his decision. And if he does, no matter how much he tells you otherwise it is not your fault.

minnie

HE'S NOT A CHILD!!!!!

I say this with a huge amount of love (and a bit of codie concern!!) - HANDS OFF THE ADDICT!!

He won't like to drink in front of you becuase of guilt. His guilt. Not yours.

You could think of it another way - is it selfish of him to continue to wreak havoc in your lives with the drinking and uncertainty?

((hugs))

Minnie
xxxx