alwayscovering

I'm done. Completely. I can't deal with this anymore. I have a list of Al Anon meetings near my house and my job and waiting for a new group of CR to open up.

Friday we went to the VA and it didn't go the way the lady at the clinic said it would but whatever, he can do with the information whatever he wants.

Saturday I went to get my bag out of his trunk and there, in plain sight, in a crate was a full bottle of vodka and a couple of empties. I guess he's started hiding it in his car since I hardly ever go in his car. I contemplated dumping it out to be a jerk but decided it's not my problem and he'll just buy more.

Sunday was fine (he even went to church with us) until he randomly attacked me. We were watching a documentary about the crossfit games. I have said NOTHING to him at all about his drinking, he doesn't know I found his vodka.

AH: I'm going to quit drinking and smoking(he also recently started smoking again after 9 years) and go back to crossfit.
ME: Sounds good (I don't believe him for a second but obviously I support him if he wants to do that)

He then goes into this tirade of how he thinks it's effed up that I'm allowed to complain about his drinking but he's not allowed to complain about my health problems or I get mad. That he's watched me for years eat whatever I want despite my diabetes and it's really unhealthy and I never exercise etc. I just said that I'm sorry that I made him feel like he couldn't express concern to me regarding my health and I'm doing much better now and have no desire to go back to my old way of life.

Here's my problem with this: I haven't had diabetes for YEARS. I was diagnosed a year and a half ago. Yes, I had issues controlling my blood sugar for awhile. No one helped me with diet. The doctors gave me pills and shots and the nutritionist talked about portion control. (I never over eat-I don't like how that feels) The problem was carbs and sugar. I found Keto and have made progress in leaps and bounds. I've changed the way I think about food. Honestly, when I was diagnosed with PCOS if someone had explained to me that I needed to change the way I eat instead of take pills it wouldn't have gotten to this point.

I DO exercise. I walk the dogs about 2-3 miles per day. I guess he doesn't think that's exercise. I could probably do more but at least I'm doing something. I don't particularly enjoy crossfit or triathlons but I have trained with him. I have literally done every single exercise thing he has ever wanted to do. Yoga(which i do like), Insanity, P90X, Martial Arts, Kickboxing(I liked this one too), crossfit, triathlon training, the list of exercise crap that he has is endless. I never said he had to stop doing triathlons or crossfit or adventure races he stopped that all on his own. He'd rather sit at home and drink. I LIKE leaving the house.

And then the biggest, saddest lie: "I can stop drinking whenever I want, I've done it before." UGH

Yes, he did because MPs showed up at the door and said you can go willingly or in handcuffs-your choice. He went willingly to inpatient detox. Then the military said you must join AA, you must work a program. Of course he did it who the heck wants to go to the brig? He was good for like 10 years.

fml23

I’m sorry that he’s getting under your skin. This is common, I think. My STBXAH used extreme exercise as a way to control his alcoholism. Obviously, it failed, but he is a person who tried to control his problem through excess- drinking, running, CrossFit, diet, you name it. Anyhow, he would pick similiar fights with me. It’s very hard especially when they live with you. I hear in your post your justification about why your diabetes isn’t the same. Just so you know, it really isn’t. You don’t have anything to justify. Not to him, not to yourself, not to anyone. Dietary choices and coping with a diabetes diagnosis ARE NOT THINGS TO BE SHAMED FOR. You have done nothing wrong in managing your lifestyle. This is about him, him needing to justify his alcoholism. I would guess it’s triggering for him to think about fitness as he is probably aware that his drinking makes previous exercise impossible. Rather then hash that out, why not project onto you? It’s childish and abusive. Opt out!!!

TropicalWinter

I just wanted to emphasize this. It's a total false equivalency and a way for your AH to deflect away from his issues.

alwayscovering

Thank you, I don't really think it's my fault. I just feel stupid. I should have done more research. I look at it as Yep I screwed up, I should have done more research, but I'm here now and working towards my goal of losing weight and controlling my condition through diet instead of meds. I also wondered if he sees I am losing weight and it makes him angry because he's gained a lot of weight and can't lose it because he doesn't count the calories for all the alcohol he's drinking. I feel like his inability to get help is not my fault I've tried. Believe me I've tried. I'm just giving up because leading him to the water does nothing. I'm just not going to try anymore. I can't do it. I'm so exhausted.

TropicalWinter

Not to veer off-topic, but I have diabetes too. I've done some hard work in shame and blame reduction - our society, and even a significant portion of the medical profession, can be viciously cruel when it comes to inflicting shame and blame on people who have diabetes. It is NOT your fault. At all.

Also, while working on your food is good, I would encourage you to not try to avoid meds to the point that you end up restricting your food to an extent that it is affecting your quality of life. Excessive restriction is not really sustainable in the long term - it's about finding balance, a way of eating that is healthy, nourishing, and yes, pleasurable. There is a great book out there about mindful eating for diabetes by Michelle May - it's called Eat What You Love, Love What You Eat With Diabetes. If you check it out, the newest edition is the better one, from what I've heard.

If your body needs help to maintain good blood sugar levels, there is NO shame in that whatsoever. I take oral medications and inject 2 different kinds of insulin. It's not the end of the world at all.

dandylion

alwayscovering…….you have heard the old saying, I am sure....."If you are fighting over stuff like the slippers left out, or how someone squeezes the toothpaste.....you are really fighting over something else...something more important that you both are avoiding...…

In early recovery....(or lack of any recovery)….I think that time and space apart is the thing that can save your sanity and give opportunity to recalibrate and get clear about what is going on and what you need.....

Detachment....detachment....time and space....


In your case...you say that you have a bag packed and you are "too tired to do this".....So, maybe you can spend the weekends at you mother's house....and, on the weekdays...you can stay busy going to alanon, reading and studying the 100 articles, reading the re commended books, and doing new things for yourself...…
That is one way to stay detached....another is to actually live separately....by mutual agreement....or not...….
Some people can live in the same house...or, at least, endure...while using the temporary tool of Detachment...but, for others, it seems impossible.....
Every situation is different.....

alwayscovering

I usually stay out on the weekends. My oldest is usually at work and youngest is usually at grandmas or a friend's house and if not he's with me. I missed my lunch meeting at work due to someone coming by to be hired (not something I do). I found a pretty late meeting near my mom's so I'll be going there tonight. In 2 weeks he's going on a business trip. I'm actually stoked. It'll be just me and the kids for 3 days.

Seren

Yeah...I have found that talking to an active alcoholic takes practice for it *not* to get under your skin.

With my stepson, I would try to argue with him about how he perceived the world...boy was that a pointless, thankless, and frustrating task. Someone on SR posted about how when speaking to someone active in their addiction, it is pointless to J.A.D.E. - Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain.

I understand now how much that is true--but it took (still takes) practice to *not* do those things because I so want to defend my position!! Lol! Oy, vey!

I hope that you can find moments of peace this holiday!

amy55

When I was married (many, many year ago, actually just 7 1/2 years, but now feel like that was a lifetime ago) my ex started those stupid fights. Everything could be showing signs of finally, this is going to be a good day, and then his eyes would change, and I knew to beware.

It took me a long time to figure out that it wasn't anything that I did or said, it was just that a "war" was taking place in his head and he was looking for a participant to engage in that "war" with him. He just didn't want to look crazy fighting with himself, and his objective in this was to get me to look and act crazier then he was. If I engage, he actually looked happy, if I didn't, he would follow me around and try to push every button that I had so that I would engage. I used to JADE a lot. I stopped that, it only gave him more ammo on me.

I wish I could tell you how to disengage from that, but I can't. For short term disengagement just realize that it is their "war" in their own head.

For long term disengagement, I had to leave, but I don't want to tell you what to do.

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy

alwayscovering

Thank you. I usually don't respond. I stopped trying to defend myself to him a long time ago. The more I make sense the angrier he gets. It just infuriates me. I already beat myself up for not doing my own research. Doctors don't know EVERYTHING. I wish the nutritionist would have said 'Don't eat carbs and sugar" instead of trying to teach me portion control. My parents taught me that. I also feel like what's done is done. I can't go back to my PCOS diagnosis and ask if my insulin resistance could be corrected with diet. That's 20 years ago. I can continue on my path and lose the weight and control my blood sugar.

For now I'm going to spend time in a different room or go hang out with someone else. His aunt is right across the street and she truly understands what I'm going through...she went through it 30 years ago...

Sasha1972

Your diabetes belongs to you, just like your husband's addiction belongs to him (and I'm not saying that diabetes and substance abuse are the same thing - just that they are individual health issues which are the business of the individual who is experiencing them). You can't control his drinking, but you can choose to remove yourself from it. He can't control your not eating carbs or whatever ridiculous thing he thinks you should be doing and aren't - so he has the option to just not be around you, if it's that aggravating to him. You don't have to justify whether or not you do crossfit, see a nutritionist, walk the dogs every day, or anything else you do for your health.

Like everybody else says, you don't have to JADE with an alcoholic. It sounds like you are doing a very good job taking care of you, and that's all that matters. The opinions he's expressing are just deflection.