mnjen

Hello all!

After years of reading through the various forums here, I have so much respect for people here and I really look forward to the feedback I'm hoping to get from asking for help.

I've struggled with staying sober for several years. I had 1.5 years sober in late 2013 to mid 2015. Thought I could return to social drinking, yada yada, yada.......

In the beginning of my failed social drinking experiment, I met a fellow active alcoholic, and we began a fast moving relationship. We married in July 2017.
I thought at the time that I was okay with his drinking. I figured if I wanted to stay sober, that was my choice. His drinking had nothing to do with my sobriety.

Fast forward to today.

I don't ever want to drink again, and it has been a bit of a struggle. I seem to cave and drink for a night every 3-6 weeks or so. It seems as though I'm irritated with my husband's drinking unless I'm drinking also. I hate this, because I hate who we are when we're drinking. I also feel extremely irritated being around him when I'm trying to stay sober and he's drunk. I know it's not his fault that I still drink sometimes, that's always a choice that I make for myself. But I can't help but wonder..... is it making it more difficult for me to choose to stay sober while living with an active alcoholic?

Can anyone here relate?

Thanks in advance

Raindrops

Hi. I am not an alcoholic but I definitely belong in al anon. I will tell you this- of you tell a kid not to eat candy and then dangle the candy in front of them, they will want it more and more. That is what you trying to stay sober with an active alcoholic looks like to me. He does not have a problem with his alcoholism, you do. I was not ok with my exah alcoholism. I did not know what alcoholism is to begin with but that's a different story. I knew I was not ok with his alcoholism but he did not find it to be a problem. It is progressive and it might still not be a problem for him. So if you can go to AA and be around sober people first , that may be your best bet with sobriety . I don't know how you are ok with being around alcohol so early in your soberity and actually wanting to stay sober. I hope this helps. Also look into the AA forum here.

Sasha1972

I think you can still choose to stay sober while married to an active alcoholic. It's not the choosing, it's following through on your choice that's more difficult.

Can you physically leave the house when he's drinking? For a couple of hours, or a couple of days, depending on how long his drinking lasts?

I think if you do continue drinking every few weeks, you're going to end up angry with yourself (for not following through on sobriety) as well as angry with your husband (for providing the circumstances under which you drink).

trailmix

It's hard to relate an addiction to a mind altering substance to any other addiction.

If you were trying to lose weight/control over eating, you could just cook for yourself while your SO ate pizza in the living room etc, When you came back in after dinner he wouldn't be passed out under the pizza box (well most wouldn't be lol) or singing in to leftover crust.

Drinking is a different story. I'm not an alcoholic but I understand your reasoning and how it would be frustrating.

I would certainly think it would make it harder to not drink when someone else around you is. In reading the alcoholism threads it's mentioned time and again that it's a good idea to stay away from people and places where drinking is involved, especially in early sobriety, which makes perfect sense.

Short of moving out I think Sasha's suggestion is a good one. While perhaps you can't leave every time he drinks (I assume that's often) you can leave when you feel like drinking, take yourself off to do something nice for yourself?

Mango212

Walking a path completely separate from my husband is transformative and healing.

I pray, I meditate, I follow where God guides me. If it's not apparent, I wait, I pray, I meditate. I'm able to do this best in quite spaces. At times, that's near a forest, by a river or even a random empty church or synagogue during the middle of the day.

Moving out doesn't necessarily mean the end of a marriage. I'm becoming more authentically me as I've lived apart from my husband. I don't know where our marriage is going. If he's not able to show up as a viable partner in the marriage, that's outside my control.

One day at a time, more is revealed. Miracles happen. I'm becoming healthier, happier and at peace with myself. I allow good things to come into my life. Sometimes that includes family time with my husband.

Maudcat

There are several posters to this site who don’t drink or no longer drink, while their partners continue.
Some stay in the relationships, others don’t . It’s a tough one.
I don’t have an answer, but I sympathize with your situation.
Good luck and good thoughts.

PeacefulWater12

I have been sober about 8 years, my AH continues to drink. Daily, When I quit he tried to sabotage my quit as he resented losing his drinking buddy. We had drank in our disease for about 7 years together.

It is possible for one of the partnership to quit and the other to remain drinking.

I think it probably is harder. My sponsor in similar position, we were talking about this recently. That when one continues, they do tend to throw rocks at the head of the sober one. We felt it had the effect of making us stronger in our quits.

mnjen

Thank you all for your responses.
I am trying to just focus on me and the things that are in my control. I want to detach with love, but I also know that sometimes in order to save my sanity and maintain my sobriety, I have to be selfish sometimes. As in, I have to put my sobriety above everything else including my relationship with him.
Maybe someday it won't be so hard.

Leelee168

I'm not an alcoholic, but when I read your post this is the example I thought of:

My older brother had lung cancer from smoking. He had surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy--which literally almost killed him. He was hospitalized several times with his treatment. His wife still smoked...in the house. Fast forward five years from the date of diagnosis and my brother, with one functioning lung, is smoking again. Different substance, but addiction. It will kill him.

Just my 2 cents.

DontRemember

My 13yr+exgf continued to drink after I quit. ALL of our 'stuff' came up and we split. She's continued down the same path with another 'us/me' and I wish them well. It's your life to do/accept whatever you want. I was just done when I saw what was really going on with her/my relationship for years.

mnjen

I made an appointment with an addiction counselor because I need help staying away from alcohol permanently. My husband's reaction? "Well, they're just going to tell you to leave me. I don't think you should go".

I've done a lot of thinking about that response.

He's still sick and I don't know if he'll ever want to get better.
But I know that I'm sick too, and I DO want to get better.
Gonna put my focus on me for now.

Thanks for listening

Mango212

Congratulations on the progress you're making.

These are really big things worth acknowledging and being thankful for: making that appointment, making your own recovery a priority, being able to hear the healthy inner voice that's urging you on.

Those of us affected by someone else's drinking find healing by doing these kind of things. Just to note that you are showing signs of early recovery on both sides of this disease.

NYCDoglvr

Wanting to never drink again doesn't mean you won't. My sobriety is contingent on the actions I take to protect it -- AA -- and that includes avoiding people, places and things that can trigger a craving for alcohol. My heart goes out to you, I wouldn't stay sober in a situation like this. Big hug!