hearthealth

Mentally strong means caring about my life and that of FOC a little more than the chaos around me. Knowing that my life, my choices are just fine for me. Not getting sucked in.

Pathwaytofree

Thanks, hearthealth. That's a great way to summarize it. What does FOC mean?

What you write is a really excellent reminder.

DesertEyes

FOC = Family Of Choice

as opposed to

FOO = Family Of Origin

Mike

DesertEyes

hmmm... that was kinda short and not very helpful. Let me try again

FOC = Family Of Choice = Those peeps that we choose to trust and let into our lives because they are good friends / mentors / etc. i.e.: my mother-in-law.

FOO = Family Of Origin = Those peeps whose DNA we got stuck with as an accident of biology. i.e.: My biological parents.

Mike

NancyLou

I also base my personal strength on self awareness and self control. It's important for me to remember that someone's opinions/ideas are exactly that...THEIR thoughts/opinions; it doesn't make it my reality. I focus on keeping myself balanced, centered & peaceful, even when (especially when) the alcoholic in my life is erratic and illogical.

Sasha1972

For me part of becoming mentally strong has been reflecting on moments in which my inner strength, which is there even when I don't feel particularly strong, came to the fore.

One incident which was pretty trivial in the grand scheme of things but marked a turning point for me stands out: I was on a scholarship in university. Part of the deal was that I got to spend a semester as an exchange student at another school. I was expected to take courses x and y as part of my program. When I got to my exchange school I discovered course x wasn't being offered that semester so I registered for course z, which I thought was pretty close to course x in content. Took the course, did well, no problems.

When I came back from the exchange and handed in my transcript, the director of the scholarship program called me and threw a fit. She told me that I was deliberately trying to undermine the purpose of the exchange visit, that I was "stealing" scholarship funds by taking course z instead of y, and that I was generally untrustworthy and had lied about my academic program. To this day I have no idea why she freaked out like that.

But instead of apologizing and saying I would do whatever she wanted to make it up, I told her she had no right to call me a liar or a thief, that I took the best course option available to me, and that I was not going to apologize when I was acting in good faith to complete my academic degree. When I hung up the phone my heart was racing like I'd run a marathon.

That was when I became consciously aware that I possess what I call the "inner f---you" - a voice that says (when necessary) "no, that's wrong, I am not going to tolerate this and I am not going to apologize for not tolerating it".

If my inner f-you voice was running rampant all the time, I would be a seething mass of anger and hostility. But it's there when I need it, and the knowledge that it's there is part of my mental and emotional strength.

Pathwaytofree

I found both sets of definitions helpful. Thanks Mike! :-)

Pathwaytofree

Thanks NancyLou.

Would you mind sharing HOW you keep yourself balanced, ceneted, and peaceful?

I love how you think about other people's opinions not necessarily being YOUR reality. Love, love, love that!!!!!! One time I was on the phone with my sister and I said something she didn't agree with. I said it was just my opinion. I figured she'd respect my opinion, as I respect hers. She then very bitchy, arrogantly, and cruelly exclaimed, "WELL YOUR OPINION IS WRONG!! I actually started laughing, because the very nature of an opinion means it can't be right or wrong.

So being mentally strong means no one can tell me that my opinion is "wrong", and I could care less if they disagree with it. But I have a right to owning my own opinions.

NYCDoglvr

Being mentally strong means I take responsibility for my choices and deal with the outcomes. Instead of pointing the finger at someone else I deal with my own character defects.

Pathwaytofree

Interestingly enough, I did this in my most recent therapy session without realizing it--I shared an incident from a few months ago where I dealt with a chaotic situation using a great deal of calm, balance, and inner strength. I hadn't even realized that my inner strength many times has come through without my consciously trying to tap into it.

She likely had someone do this to her in the past and she got in trouble for it. Or she just was paranoid and thought you did this on purpose. That's too bad she freaked out instead of just asking you.

Wow that is so cool that you stuck up for yourself like that, instead of thinking that it was personal.

I did something similar a week ago, and it surprised me. Funny, but I also felt like it was an "inner f---you". I need to do more of this, though, especially when it comes to people like my family where I go back into my old roles. (That's when I love thinking about the song "I Don't Care Anymore" by Phil Collins) ;-) I DESERVE to stick up for myself and I am not WRONG for sticking up for myself!

My therapist says I'm stronger than I think, and it just sort of started me on a journey of allowing that strength to come out. I know it's there. And I am no longer afraid to use it around my family or anyone else for that matter.

I LOVE that.

I think I was always afraid to use my inner f-you, because of growing up with a raging alcoholic mother. I didn't want to be anything like her. (Plus, she had trained me as a child that I was bad if I tried to stick up for myself. That's how she kept power and control over me.) But I know now there's a balance, and a healthy way to be assertive. I just need to finesse that tool a bit more.

Pathwaytofree

Thanks NYCDoglvr. That's a good way to bring the step work into it--step 4, column 4, my role. I can change my thinking and my actions. I never did step work in ACOA or Alanon. I wonder what that would look like.