after divorce... did your A dissappear? what was your experience
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after divorce... did your A dissappear? what was your experience
I divorced my AXH a month and a half ago,,,,
Im the one who wanted the divorce, he didn't ... he has gone no contact on me (he's mad at me you see because I'm being ridiculous),,, nothing,,,,,,,,,, I had to end it because he let me down again, he is actively drinking..... I guess I should be happy about the no contact so I can peacefully move on, but at times it makes me sad that he just discarded a 7 year marriage that quick...My question for those of you who have been through it:
is it normal for the A to disappear like that after divorce? what was your experience? what is he thinking?
Thank you for letting me part of this community, its been my saving grace for years, i finally feel sane
Im the one who wanted the divorce, he didn't ... he has gone no contact on me (he's mad at me you see because I'm being ridiculous),,, nothing,,,,,,,,,, I had to end it because he let me down again, he is actively drinking..... I guess I should be happy about the no contact so I can peacefully move on, but at times it makes me sad that he just discarded a 7 year marriage that quick...My question for those of you who have been through it:
is it normal for the A to disappear like that after divorce? what was your experience? what is he thinking?
Thank you for letting me part of this community, its been my saving grace for years, i finally feel sane
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm an alcoholic in recovery. I don't talk to exes.
They are exes for a reason. I don't understand how or why people have ongoing contact with people who hurt them - unless they have to, like if there are kids.
So, yes. People disappear. It's a lot less painful that way for me.
They are exes for a reason. I don't understand how or why people have ongoing contact with people who hurt them - unless they have to, like if there are kids.
So, yes. People disappear. It's a lot less painful that way for me.
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Location: Chicago
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It really helped me to accept another person's addiction is not something they are doing at me, or to me. As much as it feels differently, it isn't personal. The marriage is a casualty of the addiction--one of many.
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My guess is he isn’t thinking about anything other than being able to drink without interference. I’m sorry you’re going through this but you wanted the divorce because you could no longer take the drinking. I know it hurts that he can just « forget » 7 years like that but how present has he really been? My RAH has been clean for 1.5 years (and we’re also divorcing...) and there is some serious stuff that had come up in marriage counseling that he just doesn’t remember ever talking about during our marriage. It made me really question whhat our relationship had really been. I mean he wasnt a bad guy or abusive (I suppose techincally emotionally abusive at times with his manipulative ways and emotionally neglectful) but just not part of the relationship for what I needed (and I didn’t really realize this until after he went to rehab and I went to counseling and learned about codependency.
He didn’t want the divorce because for him it worked just fine as long as he could drink. You finally started thinking about yourself and it led to divorce. Good for you for taking care of you.
What were you really hoping for after the divorçe? That he would realize what just happened and get sober? Becuse unfortunately that doesn’t work most of the time. I confronted my now RaH and was ready to walk out if he didn’t sober up. It only worked because he had actually gotten to the point where he felt like he could not keep doing this. He just needed that final kick in the butt. But unless someone is ready to quit themselves, no amount of threats will get them into recovery.
I’m assuming you don’t have children together? I was married before and as soon as our divorce papers were filed I never saw him again (we live in the same town still). It didn’t bother me because after all we divorced for a reason.
An active alcoholic isn’t thinking straight and only about him or herself. So don’t take his no contact personally, as hard as that may be. He is doing you a favor really do you can move on. He could be stalking you to try and win you back, but you probably wouldn’t want that either.
If you’re not doing alaonon or individual counseling I highly suggest it. I’m not a person that would run to counseling quickly but it has been a lifesaver for me these past 1.5 years. I e learned a lot about myself and my own dysfunctional ways that needed to be addressed whether I stayed with H or not.
Hang isn’t here, this isn’t easy but it really sounds like in the end it really is the best for you!
He didn’t want the divorce because for him it worked just fine as long as he could drink. You finally started thinking about yourself and it led to divorce. Good for you for taking care of you.
What were you really hoping for after the divorçe? That he would realize what just happened and get sober? Becuse unfortunately that doesn’t work most of the time. I confronted my now RaH and was ready to walk out if he didn’t sober up. It only worked because he had actually gotten to the point where he felt like he could not keep doing this. He just needed that final kick in the butt. But unless someone is ready to quit themselves, no amount of threats will get them into recovery.
I’m assuming you don’t have children together? I was married before and as soon as our divorce papers were filed I never saw him again (we live in the same town still). It didn’t bother me because after all we divorced for a reason.
An active alcoholic isn’t thinking straight and only about him or herself. So don’t take his no contact personally, as hard as that may be. He is doing you a favor really do you can move on. He could be stalking you to try and win you back, but you probably wouldn’t want that either.
If you’re not doing alaonon or individual counseling I highly suggest it. I’m not a person that would run to counseling quickly but it has been a lifesaver for me these past 1.5 years. I e learned a lot about myself and my own dysfunctional ways that needed to be addressed whether I stayed with H or not.
Hang isn’t here, this isn’t easy but it really sounds like in the end it really is the best for you!
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Thank you for your kind reply Sleepyhollo
You are right, I don't want him stalking me or feeding me stories about how he wants to get sober, i definitely don't want to get caught in that cycle again,,,,,and I don't even want him to get sober just for me ,,,, he was absent throughout our marriage and thankfully we don't have children that he can disappoint...
I guess I have a long road to recovery, we don't have Al-anon here and I am booked for my first therapy session this week,, I'm trying hard to do my part ,, its just hard to navigate a good path when the subject is very taboo here where I live. I was just wondering if this was normal behavior from him and I know I shouldn't care but again I find myself over analyzing the situation because I really don't have a support system or support group....
Its difficult to just let go when you don't have closure because the other person is no even coherent enough to understand you.. and i know I need to work on my issues of codependency which is why I'm looking into going to an emotional wellness center this summer...
sometimes I do find myself looking for a miracle turnaround on his end,,,, I know it rarely happens when alcohol is involved and i do reason myself out of these ridiculous thoughts but again sometimes you can't help it ..
Thank you again
You are right, I don't want him stalking me or feeding me stories about how he wants to get sober, i definitely don't want to get caught in that cycle again,,,,,and I don't even want him to get sober just for me ,,,, he was absent throughout our marriage and thankfully we don't have children that he can disappoint...
I guess I have a long road to recovery, we don't have Al-anon here and I am booked for my first therapy session this week,, I'm trying hard to do my part ,, its just hard to navigate a good path when the subject is very taboo here where I live. I was just wondering if this was normal behavior from him and I know I shouldn't care but again I find myself over analyzing the situation because I really don't have a support system or support group....
Its difficult to just let go when you don't have closure because the other person is no even coherent enough to understand you.. and i know I need to work on my issues of codependency which is why I'm looking into going to an emotional wellness center this summer...
sometimes I do find myself looking for a miracle turnaround on his end,,,, I know it rarely happens when alcohol is involved and i do reason myself out of these ridiculous thoughts but again sometimes you can't help it ..
Thank you again
Originally Posted by Sleepyhollo 
My guess is he isn’t thinking about anything other than being able to drink without interference. I’m sorry you’re going through this but you wanted the divorce because you could no longer take the drinking. I know it hurts that he can just « forget » 7 years like that but how present has he really been? My RAH has been clean for 1.5 years (and we’re also divorcing...) and there is some serious stuff that had come up in marriage counseling that he just doesn’t remember ever talking about during our marriage. It made me really question whhat our relationship had really been. I mean he wasnt a bad guy or abusive (I suppose techincally emotionally abusive at times with his manipulative ways and emotionally neglectful) but just not part of the relationship for what I needed (and I didn’t really realize this until after he went to rehab and I went to counseling and learned about codependency.
He didn’t want the divorce because for him it worked just fine as long as he could drink. You finally started thinking about yourself and it led to divorce. Good for you for taking care of you.
What were you really hoping for after the divorçe? That he would realize what just happened and get sober? Becuse unfortunately that doesn’t work most of the time. I confronted my now RaH and was ready to walk out if he didn’t sober up. It only worked because he had actually gotten to the point where he felt like he could not keep doing this. He just needed that final kick in the butt. But unless someone is ready to quit themselves, no amount of threats will get them into recovery.
I’m assuming you don’t have children together? I was married before and as soon as our divorce papers were filed I never saw him again (we live in the same town still). It didn’t bother me because after all we divorced for a reason.
An active alcoholic isn’t thinking straight and only about him or herself. So don’t take his no contact personally, as hard as that may be. He is doing you a favor really do you can move on. He could be stalking you to try and win you back, but you probably wouldn’t want that either.
If you’re not doing alaonon or individual counseling I highly suggest it. I’m not a person that would run to counseling quickly but it has been a lifesaver for me these past 1.5 years. I e learned a lot about myself and my own dysfunctional ways that needed to be addressed whether I stayed with H or not.
Hang isn’t here, this isn’t easy but it really sounds like in the end it really is the best for you!
He didn’t want the divorce because for him it worked just fine as long as he could drink. You finally started thinking about yourself and it led to divorce. Good for you for taking care of you.
What were you really hoping for after the divorçe? That he would realize what just happened and get sober? Becuse unfortunately that doesn’t work most of the time. I confronted my now RaH and was ready to walk out if he didn’t sober up. It only worked because he had actually gotten to the point where he felt like he could not keep doing this. He just needed that final kick in the butt. But unless someone is ready to quit themselves, no amount of threats will get them into recovery.
I’m assuming you don’t have children together? I was married before and as soon as our divorce papers were filed I never saw him again (we live in the same town still). It didn’t bother me because after all we divorced for a reason.
An active alcoholic isn’t thinking straight and only about him or herself. So don’t take his no contact personally, as hard as that may be. He is doing you a favor really do you can move on. He could be stalking you to try and win you back, but you probably wouldn’t want that either.
If you’re not doing alaonon or individual counseling I highly suggest it. I’m not a person that would run to counseling quickly but it has been a lifesaver for me these past 1.5 years. I e learned a lot about myself and my own dysfunctional ways that needed to be addressed whether I stayed with H or not.
Hang isn’t here, this isn’t easy but it really sounds like in the end it really is the best for you!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I have broken up with three men after long-term relationships.
My experience (and I wasn't a heavy drinker in all of those relationships) - anyway, I had to create my own closure: and that just takes time to think it through. There is never a satisfactory ending to a love relationship - for either party. There is never a satisfying explanation.
My experience (and I wasn't a heavy drinker in all of those relationships) - anyway, I had to create my own closure: and that just takes time to think it through. There is never a satisfactory ending to a love relationship - for either party. There is never a satisfying explanation.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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is it normal for the A to disappear like that after divorce? what was your experience? what is he thinking?
My exah dumped off his kids and disappeared. He periodically re-appears to cause upset and problems namely to complain about decisions I make for our sons he is not part of. I wanted to look into supported housing for our autistic adult son as I am not getting any younger and have severe health issues but he wouldn't hear of it. Of course he's not the one here caring for him 24/7. That sort of thing. We were married 20 years. Alcoholics don't think imo. I don't care what he was thinking if he did. He still drinks 4 years post divorce..that's about all I know about him. I only know that cos we have adult kids who tell me. If we'd not had any I'd never have heard from him again which is fine by me. He's an exah for a reason.
My exah dumped off his kids and disappeared. He periodically re-appears to cause upset and problems namely to complain about decisions I make for our sons he is not part of. I wanted to look into supported housing for our autistic adult son as I am not getting any younger and have severe health issues but he wouldn't hear of it. Of course he's not the one here caring for him 24/7. That sort of thing. We were married 20 years. Alcoholics don't think imo. I don't care what he was thinking if he did. He still drinks 4 years post divorce..that's about all I know about him. I only know that cos we have adult kids who tell me. If we'd not had any I'd never have heard from him again which is fine by me. He's an exah for a reason.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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I am going through the same thing as you. I served divorce papers to my husband. I left the house in the middle of the day. I never heard from him again. Well he did try contacting me twice on the day I left but I was in no emotional condition to answer his calls. It has been a year. Pin drop silence from him. I can make up a hundred stories in my head but they are not facts. I don't know wether he's angry or he's sad or he just doesn't care. It does not matter at this point. Did I hope that it would be his rock bottom? I sure did. It was not. He has moved on with a girl who supports his habit. I just knew one thing. I could not continue living with active alcoholism. I also could not knowingly bring a kid into this marriage. He said he wanted to quit but wanted to do it on his own terms of controlling urges and taking a break. Well... we had tried that before. Never worked. Do I love him? Yes. Do I love his addiction? No . You will read around here a lot - if love could cure addiction, we would to be here on this forum.
Someone told me once- sometimes you have to learn to love from far and eventually learn to let go. It is tough and painful. It hurts like nothing else. But what is my other choice ? Do yourself a favor and let go. Let his god take care of him. What he feels or does not about you is irrelevant now
Someone told me once- sometimes you have to learn to love from far and eventually learn to let go. It is tough and painful. It hurts like nothing else. But what is my other choice ? Do yourself a favor and let go. Let his god take care of him. What he feels or does not about you is irrelevant now
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If my wife divorced me, I would only contact her under the most demanding of situations. If she decided that she could no longer live with me, no matter what my part played in her decision, it would cause me great pain.
If she decided to end our marriage to stop her pain, I would end contact to stop my pain. Seems to be similar methods on both people's part, stopping pain.
If she decided to end our marriage to stop her pain, I would end contact to stop my pain. Seems to be similar methods on both people's part, stopping pain.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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I understand the point of pain but is there ever a period of self reflection
And accountability? The thought that why the marriage ended ? I am asking because I am going through that I can see where my character defects were and how I contributed .. but god knows If it's he same on the other side ? I think her point is that it hurts a lot more when you think that the other person did not want to work on themselves to acknowledge their part- let alone wanting to work on changing behaviors. It just gets you thinking of the relationship even meant anything to begin with.
And accountability? The thought that why the marriage ended ? I am asking because I am going through that I can see where my character defects were and how I contributed .. but god knows If it's he same on the other side ? I think her point is that it hurts a lot more when you think that the other person did not want to work on themselves to acknowledge their part- let alone wanting to work on changing behaviors. It just gets you thinking of the relationship even meant anything to begin with.
Originally Posted by nez
If my wife divorced me, I would only contact her under the most demanding of situations. If she decided that she could no longer live with me, no matter what my part played in her decision, it would cause me great pain.
If she decided to end our marriage to stop her pain, I would end contact to stop my pain. Seems to be similar methods on both people's part, stopping pain.
If she decided to end our marriage to stop her pain, I would end contact to stop my pain. Seems to be similar methods on both people's part, stopping pain.
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Raindrops....I think that it is important to realize that YOUR feelings were real, and that your motives and intentions were honest and sincere......
and, that the relationship did mean something to you....
As much as you might want to...you can never get, completely, inside the brain of someone else....even in nearly "perfect", compatable relationships....
Going a step further...if an alcoholic were capable of honest self reflection and examination...they would have to stop drinking....so, this is the last thing they are going to do....It is interesting to note, that in recovery, some of the AA steps are for this very purpose, as I understand it....
and, that the relationship did mean something to you....
As much as you might want to...you can never get, completely, inside the brain of someone else....even in nearly "perfect", compatable relationships....
Going a step further...if an alcoholic were capable of honest self reflection and examination...they would have to stop drinking....so, this is the last thing they are going to do....It is interesting to note, that in recovery, some of the AA steps are for this very purpose, as I understand it....
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Originally Posted by Raindrops
I understand the point of pain but is there ever a period of self reflection
And accountability? The thought that why the marriage ended ? I am asking because I am going through that I can see where my character defects were and how I contributed .. but god knows If it's he same on the other side ? I think her point is that it hurts a lot more when you think that the other person did not want to work on themselves to acknowledge their part- let alone wanting to work on changing behaviors. It just gets you thinking of the relationship even meant anything to begin with.
And accountability? The thought that why the marriage ended ? I am asking because I am going through that I can see where my character defects were and how I contributed .. but god knows If it's he same on the other side ? I think her point is that it hurts a lot more when you think that the other person did not want to work on themselves to acknowledge their part- let alone wanting to work on changing behaviors. It just gets you thinking of the relationship even meant anything to begin with.
Alcoholics want to drink, they are concerned about where their next drink is coming from.
While they might have a moment of clarity where they say - wow I was an ass, that "working on themselves" is a big, big stretch.
If they could quit (ie: if they were capable at this time) they probably would have.
As much as anyone might like to see them sober and reflective and "normal", that's not realistic?
I think the drive to drink is sometimes underestimated, I think it's hard to imagine. From the outside you see a person sit on the sofa and drink and drink and think - why can't you just stop, put that drink down, clear your mind, see the good in front of you.
That's not how the alcoholic mind works. Again, applying logic where it does not exist.
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It's not how a lot of peoples' minds work, never mind alcoholics.
I lived with a man who did not have substance problems. Couple beers on a Friday, that was it.
What he did have was a sense of entitlement and that it was his way or the highway.
I left him after he slept with three other women (that I knew of.) We were engaged. He was one of those guys with everything going for him. I moved 2000 miles away from him.
Years later I asked him what the deal was and he tried to blame me; even though he admitted that he and his wife (before me) had had an open relationship and he wanted to continue to do that. You know, it worked so well right up until his first divorce...I was not down for that. Dude, do you remember what happened? He tried to blame me for being moody. Well, serial adultery will do that to a person.
Lots of people don't see any further than their own noses, and refuse to believe that they do anything wrong.
I lived with a man who did not have substance problems. Couple beers on a Friday, that was it.
What he did have was a sense of entitlement and that it was his way or the highway.
I left him after he slept with three other women (that I knew of.) We were engaged. He was one of those guys with everything going for him. I moved 2000 miles away from him.
Years later I asked him what the deal was and he tried to blame me; even though he admitted that he and his wife (before me) had had an open relationship and he wanted to continue to do that. You know, it worked so well right up until his first divorce...I was not down for that. Dude, do you remember what happened? He tried to blame me for being moody. Well, serial adultery will do that to a person.
Lots of people don't see any further than their own noses, and refuse to believe that they do anything wrong.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
would you rather he stick around and harass you?
actually a lot of folks walk away after divorce or breakups and don't look back.
actually a lot of folks walk away after divorce or breakups and don't look back.
You are absolutely right, I don't want him to harass me , and i don't want to be in that crazy mess of an unreliable marriage/ partnership ... its just that its all so fresh and sometimes my thoughts runaway with me
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
I have broken up with three men after long-term relationships.
My experience (and I wasn't a heavy drinker in all of those relationships) - anyway, I had to create my own closure: and that just takes time to think it through. There is never a satisfactory ending to a love relationship - for either party. There is never a satisfying explanation.
My experience (and I wasn't a heavy drinker in all of those relationships) - anyway, I had to create my own closure: and that just takes time to think it through. There is never a satisfactory ending to a love relationship - for either party. There is never a satisfying explanation.
you are absolutely right theres never a satisfactory ending to a relationship thats why they end ... so true come to think of it... I just found it hard when we last communicated,, especially since I was trying to make him see the hurt... and I guess i desperately want him too acknowledge he hurt me, and apologize ,,,, which is probably never going to happen as long as he is actively drinking.. actually probably not even if he ever gets sober,,, and thats something I have to deal with for my own recovery ,,
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Originally Posted by Ladybird579
is it normal for the A to disappear like that after divorce? what was your experience? what is he thinking?
My exah dumped off his kids and disappeared. He periodically re-appears to cause upset and problems namely to complain about decisions I make for our sons he is not part of. I wanted to look into supported housing for our autistic adult son as I am not getting any younger and have severe health issues but he wouldn't hear of it. Of course he's not the one here caring for him 24/7. That sort of thing. We were married 20 years. Alcoholics don't think imo. I don't care what he was thinking if he did. He still drinks 4 years post divorce..that's about all I know about him. I only know that cos we have adult kids who tell me. If we'd not had any I'd never have heard from him again which is fine by me. He's an exah for a reason.
My exah dumped off his kids and disappeared. He periodically re-appears to cause upset and problems namely to complain about decisions I make for our sons he is not part of. I wanted to look into supported housing for our autistic adult son as I am not getting any younger and have severe health issues but he wouldn't hear of it. Of course he's not the one here caring for him 24/7. That sort of thing. We were married 20 years. Alcoholics don't think imo. I don't care what he was thinking if he did. He still drinks 4 years post divorce..that's about all I know about him. I only know that cos we have adult kids who tell me. If we'd not had any I'd never have heard from him again which is fine by me. He's an exah for a reason.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
It's not how a lot of peoples' minds work, never mind alcoholics.
I lived with a man who did not have substance problems. Couple beers on a Friday, that was it.
What he did have was a sense of entitlement and that it was his way or the highway.
I left him after he slept with three other women (that I knew of.) We were engaged. He was one of those guys with everything going for him. I moved 2000 miles away from him.
Years later I asked him what the deal was and he tried to blame me; even though he admitted that he and his wife (before me) had had an open relationship and he wanted to continue to do that. You know, it worked so well right up until his first divorce...I was not down for that. Dude, do you remember what happened? He tried to blame me for being moody. Well, serial adultery will do that to a person.
Lots of people don't see any further than their own noses, and refuse to believe that they do anything wrong.
I lived with a man who did not have substance problems. Couple beers on a Friday, that was it.
What he did have was a sense of entitlement and that it was his way or the highway.
I left him after he slept with three other women (that I knew of.) We were engaged. He was one of those guys with everything going for him. I moved 2000 miles away from him.
Years later I asked him what the deal was and he tried to blame me; even though he admitted that he and his wife (before me) had had an open relationship and he wanted to continue to do that. You know, it worked so well right up until his first divorce...I was not down for that. Dude, do you remember what happened? He tried to blame me for being moody. Well, serial adultery will do that to a person.
Lots of people don't see any further than their own noses, and refuse to believe that they do anything wrong.
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Originally Posted by Raindrops
I understand the point of pain but is there ever a period of self reflection
And accountability? The thought that why the marriage ended ? I am asking because I am going through that I can see where my character defects were and how I contributed .. but god knows If it's he same on the other side ? I think her point is that it hurts a lot more when you think that the other person did not want to work on themselves to acknowledge their part- let alone wanting to work on changing behaviors. It just gets you thinking of the relationship even meant anything to begin with.
And accountability? The thought that why the marriage ended ? I am asking because I am going through that I can see where my character defects were and how I contributed .. but god knows If it's he same on the other side ? I think her point is that it hurts a lot more when you think that the other person did not want to work on themselves to acknowledge their part- let alone wanting to work on changing behaviors. It just gets you thinking of the relationship even meant anything to begin with.
thats exactly what i wanted to ask, I self reflect all day everyday and I wonder if he does too... I don't think he does and more importantly I don't think he CAN but it just brings me back to square one ,,, why can't he see the damage he's done! and how can he just walk away smoothly and happily while I wallow in misery.....
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