One year later and I finally said goodbye.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 23
One year later and I finally said goodbye.
Hello everyone,
It's been nearly one year since I made my first post - one year since I first realized my boyfriend's drinking was a serious problem that wasn't getting fixed. In that year I waited, and listened to his plans to change. I watched a few attempts at recovery that lasted 8 days at the low end, to 2 months at the best. I threatened to leave, I cried to my friends. I counted his drinks. I agonized in bed waiting and wondering when he finally stop drinking and go to sleep. I floated on the hope of him recovering and then I crashed when he'd buy another drink.
Two weeks ago I decided I couldn't wait any longer. I'd given him enough attempts. After 2 months sober (doing it on his own, no AA, no therapy..), we had an emotional conversation and he left, and bought a bottle of vodka to drink as he drove down the highway. He got a DUI (thank god they pulled him over before he hurt himself or anyone else). I knew I couldn't go on. He begged me not to leave. He promised he would change. He swore this was his real rock bottom and he was going to get help.
Maybe he will. Maybe this really was it for him. I don't doubt that he intends it to be...but I know that I would never feel stable with him unless he was sober for a long time. I can't wait for that to happen any longer. Because I've seen the merry-go-round for long enough. I know that he might promise something today, but without making sobriety his life, and getting support along the way, he is likely to turn to the only coping mechanism he knows.
Leaving the person who had become my best friend, the person who I was going to travel the world with and marry was probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I still love him. I hope he finds the strength to turn his life around.
Something I read on here really resonated with me. Someone wrote about how they realized that they kept saying things to themselves like, "If only he didn't drink then we could be happy." But they realized they were chasing an idea of a person and couldn't even be certain if they WOULD be happy if their partner stopped drinking. That is so true for me. The reality is, I don't even know that sober person. I've never met him. So I don't know if we would be happy. The reality is I was worrying and stressed about my boyfriend all the time - I wasn't truly deeply happy with him.
He's moved out of our apartment and I'm sitting on my own for the first Friday night in a long time. I fluctuate from feeling terribly depressed to feeling great relief that I'm free from the stress of the relationship. But I know I did the right thing for myself.
Thank you everyone for all your posts. I really feel like seeing the long term outcome gave me the strength to do what I needed to do. Wishing you all a happy and relaxing weekend.
It's been nearly one year since I made my first post - one year since I first realized my boyfriend's drinking was a serious problem that wasn't getting fixed. In that year I waited, and listened to his plans to change. I watched a few attempts at recovery that lasted 8 days at the low end, to 2 months at the best. I threatened to leave, I cried to my friends. I counted his drinks. I agonized in bed waiting and wondering when he finally stop drinking and go to sleep. I floated on the hope of him recovering and then I crashed when he'd buy another drink.
Two weeks ago I decided I couldn't wait any longer. I'd given him enough attempts. After 2 months sober (doing it on his own, no AA, no therapy..), we had an emotional conversation and he left, and bought a bottle of vodka to drink as he drove down the highway. He got a DUI (thank god they pulled him over before he hurt himself or anyone else). I knew I couldn't go on. He begged me not to leave. He promised he would change. He swore this was his real rock bottom and he was going to get help.
Maybe he will. Maybe this really was it for him. I don't doubt that he intends it to be...but I know that I would never feel stable with him unless he was sober for a long time. I can't wait for that to happen any longer. Because I've seen the merry-go-round for long enough. I know that he might promise something today, but without making sobriety his life, and getting support along the way, he is likely to turn to the only coping mechanism he knows.
Leaving the person who had become my best friend, the person who I was going to travel the world with and marry was probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I still love him. I hope he finds the strength to turn his life around.
Something I read on here really resonated with me. Someone wrote about how they realized that they kept saying things to themselves like, "If only he didn't drink then we could be happy." But they realized they were chasing an idea of a person and couldn't even be certain if they WOULD be happy if their partner stopped drinking. That is so true for me. The reality is, I don't even know that sober person. I've never met him. So I don't know if we would be happy. The reality is I was worrying and stressed about my boyfriend all the time - I wasn't truly deeply happy with him.
He's moved out of our apartment and I'm sitting on my own for the first Friday night in a long time. I fluctuate from feeling terribly depressed to feeling great relief that I'm free from the stress of the relationship. But I know I did the right thing for myself.
Thank you everyone for all your posts. I really feel like seeing the long term outcome gave me the strength to do what I needed to do. Wishing you all a happy and relaxing weekend.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
thank you for the update Ellie. we are never "happy" to see a relationship end, but seeing your own personal growth and your desire to make the changes you know you need to make is worth celebrating. we can only ride the "If Only" train so long. we can spend our lives waiting and hoping for THEM to DO something different, or we can get back into our lives, our own futures, and do things differently for ourselves.
it's not easy. i hope you continue to feel those moments of relief and they grow into a sense of peace
it's not easy. i hope you continue to feel those moments of relief and they grow into a sense of peace
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
Hi Ellie,
You took a big step and it wasn’t easy. You did the right thing and the best thing for you—and that is very important.
This is my third Friday night alone and I can tell you that it’s going to get easier. I remember my first weekend alone and it was such an odd feeling and, like you, I felt sad and unsure at times. Give it time. Best to you.
You took a big step and it wasn’t easy. You did the right thing and the best thing for you—and that is very important.
This is my third Friday night alone and I can tell you that it’s going to get easier. I remember my first weekend alone and it was such an odd feeling and, like you, I felt sad and unsure at times. Give it time. Best to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
Welcome back Ellie. It is so hard to know if one should offer condolences or congratulations. Perhaps we don't have the right word in our language.
I'm sure the wisdom you are acting on has been hard won.
There may be some hard moments ahead. I hope we can support you.
Healing and peace to you.
I'm sure the wisdom you are acting on has been hard won.
There may be some hard moments ahead. I hope we can support you.
Healing and peace to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 128
Your post is probably read by far more people than just the ones who responded here. I bet your honesty and courage are an inspiration to many readers. I understand your struggle. I've been living this way for thirty years. Many years were good and many years passed where I was able to live in peace. I also lived with unpredictability, loneliness and sadness. I know the dance drained me of my energy over and over again. Thanks for your post! I wish you peace, it will get easier. One day you might be very very grateful that you did not spend decades with this disease.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Your post is very moving and helpful to readers like me as personally I haven’t made that final move yet but I know it’s coming. Posts like yours give us hope and such comfort knowing we are not alone. It would be so much easier if we hated our A’s. But we are loving souls, good people and caring. So it hurts. Hugs to you and also know you’ve done the right thing. Stay strong and keep posting!
I’d love to read how you are doing especially in another 12 months from now because I predict very positive things! X
I’d love to read how you are doing especially in another 12 months from now because I predict very positive things! X
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by EllieJ 
I really feel like seeing the long term outcome gave me the strength to do what I needed to do. Wishing you all a happy and relaxing weekend.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 23
Thank you everyone for your kind words. It's hard to pull that trigger and end a relationship that you feel has so much hope if only.... Sending positive thoughts back to those of you that are also in the trenches.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 35
I can resonate completely with what you have said. Life will be surely become better and better for you now in spite of all those illusive hopes and dreams left unaccomplished, also a big part of my stalling, and now grieving process. Time to create some new ones, for you. Healing and hugs to you.
Last edited by Turquoise; 05-13-2018 at 04:40 AM. Reason: Addition
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