Blueskies18

Well the good news is, I spent three hours at a step meeting today, just talking about surrendering to a higher power and admitting I am powerless. I thought I had covered all of that twenty years ago, but it seems like a whole new ball game now. I'm really enjoying my Micheal Singer books, the surrender experiment and the untethered soul. I know his writing well and it has never been more applicable to me than now. My RAH is drinking, lieing to everyone now, because he told everyone when he went into recovery that he was an alcoholic and was very happy and talkative about his sobriety when he was sober. When I'm alone, like now, I'm not surrendering. I'm crying, and this feels so familiar to me, the way I used to feel twenty three years ago when I was trying so desperately to make him stop. I keep thinking very unhelpful things, like what am I going to do for a vacation. It's going to be sunny out tomorrow. I'll go on a daycation with my dogs. I bet he feels ashamed and he's struggling. He might feel lonely too. There is nothing I can do. The few times we have talked about this, he just explains how he doesn't like AA, how he's sure he can drink and stop, how he wants to run away, how he doesn't want to disappoint anyone (the pressure) and how rehab was probably overkill. There's not much I can do right now. I understand quite well that I'm powerless to help him. There's even not much I can do to support him as far as I can tell. This sad hopeless feeling I have needs to pass and soon. I had never seen him sober before. And when he was sober I was so tired from overthinking and trying to be supportive, that I missed it!

I'm not powerless over my self talk though. I only feel self-pity when I allow myself to wallow in it.

Blueskies18

I'm clinging. Let whatever happens pass through. Then I may deal with clarity. Let my spiritual energy take me through. I'm sure to have extra practice moving forward. See it as a gift. I'll keep working with it. Dealing with my negative energy in a more positive way. Spiritual growth. Learn to stop resisting reality. I'll sleep knowing that I'm coming to believe that a higher power can help me through this.

FeelingGreat

Blueskies, I'm not in your shoes but I know from my own experience that working on our emotional development, coping mechanisms, and challenging our thinking does pay off. Don't give up.
When you're struggling it can feel like you're not making any progress, then after some time you realise you really are.
Glad you're doing your own steps. Don't hesitate to find more support when you need it. You don't have to go through this on your own, and you might even set an example for your AH.

trailmix

I'm sorry you are in this sad situation right now Blueskies. I just wanted to say that the above sounds like progress to me.

Those thoughts are not unhelpful in my opinion, they are helpful to you. Please listen to yourself and go on a daycation today!

Seren

Yes, and why does the parade of unhelpful thoughts begin at 2 or 3 am? Sleep is so much more helpful!

Blueskies18

Thanks everyone

A parade is a really good metaphor. With a parade we just watch the things pass by then let them go. This is a good way to deal with thoughts. Watch them parade along, then focus on something else, like breathing

CarryOn

Thinking of you today and understand where you are.

I encourage you to take the daycation with the dogs!! What is better than a day out with those that love us absolutely unconditionally?!?

Something I have grown to love is taking a few hours to walk through a local preserve. No matter where my head is when I start, I’m feeling positive & energized when I’m done. Sometimes I listen to the sounds of nature, and sometimes I stream “Hamilton” (I use Amazon Prime music on my phone)...totally motivates me.

Big hugs to you!!

AnvilheadII

remember that powerlessness does mean we have NO Power Ever...it means there are certain people, places and things over which we do not have any power.

sunrises
the tides
someone else's drinking
pollen

once we identify the things which are out of our control, we can more clearly see that which is within our control. we can also more clearly see that when we get out of the way, things will flow as they are intended to. even if we don't agree.

Sasha1972

I find it helpful to remind myself that whatever emotion I am experiencing at the moment, the emotion is not ME, and it will pass (like a parade, or like clouds passing overhead). So - I am not Sadness, I am a self which is experiencing sadness at this point in time - but at other points in time, I will experience different emotions. Making a distinction between who we ARE and what we FEEL helped me a lot.

Freedom1990

I'd like to share my current situation with you. My youngest daughter (29) is living with me, has been since last September and is supposed to be out in June when she gets a second payment on a trust fund her dad left her. I didn't mind taking her in as she's very independent and has never asked me for a place to stay with the exception of 10 years ago for two months.

She's had two DUIs now, but has her drinking "under control" according to her. I know she drinks, she knows that I know. The alcohol and drinking are not a part of this household. I've been clean/sober for 27+ years, and in recovery for codependency since 1999.

She does her drinking elsewhere. I set a 1 am curfew because I need my sleep. She is expected to help around the house.

There have been a few times she decided to spend the night elsewhere, and it's been a bone of contention. I do get depressed over her drinking. I get weary of her not pulling her weight.

I have no control over her, but I do have control over me, my attitudes, and how my home environment will be.

Last night she stayed elsewhere again. I told her I am done and she needs to start looking for another place to stay. I have 8 dogs in this house, 3 being hers (2 are large), and 6 cats (2 are hers). If she can't be responsible for what she has, then she needs to go elsewhere.

There are days my heart hurts. This isn't what I wanted for her. Then I remember that God had my back all those years I was a flipping mess, still does, and he has hers too. I don't know what plans God has for her, but I do know that I am not going to take a front row seat to her alcoholic actions and attitudes.

I want my little house back to myself. I found I have gotten distracted from things I want to do. I just want to take care of my animals, no one else's.

This is an attainable goal for me, and necessary for my sanity and serenity. This is something I can control. I can let her go with love, and she can do her own thing.

I don't know if this is any help. There are things I can do to change my current situation, and that is what I am doing. Hugs from Kansas!

Seren

Dev

It is good to see you! I am sorry to hear about your daughter. I'm glad you are taking back your space for your own sanity.

Blueskies18

I think my understanding of powerless gets a little clearer and deeper as time goes on.

Today I thought I have two minds, (and which one is right??) but then I realized that the two choices are the same.

1) I can't control events and people around me to match the thoughts in my head. Reality and what I want are two different things. Let go and let God.

2) I'm sad. I will grieve the loss of my AH on the days he lies and drinks and his insecurity shows. It's not what he wants. It's sad. There is nothing I can do about it. On the days he is happy and stronger and sober, I'm happy for him. I can only be happy for him. Not happy and hopeful for me because I have him back again. Just accepting what is from day to day.

So, I'm learning to figure out what choices I want for me. I'm taking care of me and my choices regardless of whether it's a good day or a bad day. It's ok to be sad sometimes. Sad doesn't always mean I'm trying to take back control. It's a normal human emotion.

Both 1 & 2 take pressure off me, and pressure off him. Both give me peace.

The past is history. I don't need to shape my day today based on my interpretation of past events.

Tomorrow is unknown. It always has been unknown. Today is what is.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to God as we understood him. This is where I am today.

Mango212

Thank you. I really appreciate this post and this thread.