Back again ... Remarried to another Alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 18
Back again ... Remarried to another Alcoholic
Hello, my name is Dawn - I've been with my new husband for 9 years and separated for 2 years now due to his drunken episode coming home and starting a fight with one of my older sons who were 17 at the time. I had to call the police and have him removed.
Since then, I have seen him on and off - we put off a divorce while we tried to work on some things. Problem is - he has never worked on his drinking nor has ever truly felt like he was the cause of a fight with my boys. (physical).
2 weeks ago we were out with our 7 yo and he got drunk and started punching things in his truck - the sunglass holder broke off and flew and hit me in my face - he told us MF's to never come back to his house again.
Of course, I went home with our son and have been struggling ever since. He didn't remember what happened and 'doesn't know why he went off'. Alcohol and hatred!! He also doesn't pay child support which is a huge burden on me and I'm facing losing my house. I have our combined family at my home while he is at his new home with no family obligations.
I don't know why I'm writing - maybe just venting and getting it out.
I am struggling. He has apologized - but is still waiting for me to be the one to contact him and say good morning etc... Why do we feel guilt? Thank you if you took the time to read. DD
Since then, I have seen him on and off - we put off a divorce while we tried to work on some things. Problem is - he has never worked on his drinking nor has ever truly felt like he was the cause of a fight with my boys. (physical).
2 weeks ago we were out with our 7 yo and he got drunk and started punching things in his truck - the sunglass holder broke off and flew and hit me in my face - he told us MF's to never come back to his house again.
Of course, I went home with our son and have been struggling ever since. He didn't remember what happened and 'doesn't know why he went off'. Alcohol and hatred!! He also doesn't pay child support which is a huge burden on me and I'm facing losing my house. I have our combined family at my home while he is at his new home with no family obligations.
I don't know why I'm writing - maybe just venting and getting it out.
I am struggling. He has apologized - but is still waiting for me to be the one to contact him and say good morning etc... Why do we feel guilt? Thank you if you took the time to read. DD
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Why do we feel guilt?
If this is the guilt you are referring to then it’s time to make some changes for the sake of yourself and your children.
If the quilt is about the alcoholic, you don’t cause him to drink, you can’t control his drinking and you can’t cure it. He and he alone is responsible for his lack of responsibility as a husband and father. How can you feel quilt for someone who is living without the burden of losing his home, doesn’t have to pay any child support and gets to continue living life on his terms. Gets to have angry outbursts with signs of violence in breaking things in front of his 7 year old child.
There is therapy, counseling, al-anon and other support for YOU in helping you with your displaced guilt. Guilt that seems to be keeping you from moving forward with your life and for the future life of your children.
FOG and making your way through it.
Fear
Obligation
Guilt
Working through those emotions is where our freedom lies.
Not trying to be mean here, just real and based on my own past (crappy) experiences. Glad you found us and I hope you stick around.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 18
Those are good and valid. I am here for the hard answers. I do have guilt for my boys going through everything they have - especially when they thought so much of him. I have kept them away, even his 25 yo son lives with me and has nothing to do with him. I have been trying for our 7 yo, but his latest drunken blackout is not ok. My son was scared and scarred.
He makes me feel like dirt when I have to ask for money. I got half way through the child support application online Monday and had a panic attack on how he would react.
I will restart counseling soon, but have been having some medical issues that I needed to make sure are taken care of, so that I am here to care for my boys. I have already found someone who is highly recommended.
I have read Out of the fog and I am in a Narcissist support group as well. I have been on SR since 2006 - when I went through a divorce with my older boys father. Wish I had stuck around, I may have stayed stronger and not ended up back in such a situation.
Thank you -
He makes me feel like dirt when I have to ask for money. I got half way through the child support application online Monday and had a panic attack on how he would react.
I will restart counseling soon, but have been having some medical issues that I needed to make sure are taken care of, so that I am here to care for my boys. I have already found someone who is highly recommended.
I have read Out of the fog and I am in a Narcissist support group as well. I have been on SR since 2006 - when I went through a divorce with my older boys father. Wish I had stuck around, I may have stayed stronger and not ended up back in such a situation.
Thank you -
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Have you consulted an attorney, Dawn?
If your husband is working, any attorney worth his/her law degree is going to insist on support.
It is unconscionable that you have to ask him for money. If I understand your post correctly, you are supporting your child with him and his children as well?
You deserve financial help.
He sounds abusive.
If your husband is working, any attorney worth his/her law degree is going to insist on support.
It is unconscionable that you have to ask him for money. If I understand your post correctly, you are supporting your child with him and his children as well?
You deserve financial help.
He sounds abusive.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 18
I am the one supporting 5 boys - my boys are older and looking for jobs - but they are all at home. Yes - dh works and makes anywhere from 3 to 3.5 times more than I do. I do plan to stick around. I am just getting my finances and emotions together.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 224
Hi Dawn ... I can relate to the panic attack and the uncertainty of filing the paperwork. Baby steps and have faith that doing it and getting something documented with the court and attorney general sooner rather than later is crucial. I'm happy you came back to SR - I have found lots of strength and examples of real life recovery in action from the members here. Hugs to you
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,721
Originally Posted by atalose 
You mean guilt that you continue to put your children through this with someone who for over 2 years has not worked on the actual cause of the problems? You mean guilt that you are losing your home because you’ve not taken a stand and hold him accountable for child support?
If this is the guilt you are referring to then it’s time to make some changes for the sake of yourself and your children.
If the quilt is about the alcoholic, you don’t cause him to drink, you can’t control his drinking and you can’t cure it. He and he alone is responsible for his lack of responsibility as a husband and father. How can you feel quilt for someone who is living without the burden of losing his home, doesn’t have to pay any child support and gets to continue living life on his terms. Gets to have angry outbursts with signs of violence in breaking things in front of his 7 year old child.
There is therapy, counseling, al-anon and other support for YOU in helping you with your displaced guilt. Guilt that seems to be keeping you from moving forward with your life and for the future life of your children.
FOG and making your way through it.
Fear
Obligation
Guilt
Working through those emotions is where our freedom lies.
Not trying to be mean here, just real and based on my own past (crappy) experiences. Glad you found us and I hope you stick around.
If this is the guilt you are referring to then it’s time to make some changes for the sake of yourself and your children.
If the quilt is about the alcoholic, you don’t cause him to drink, you can’t control his drinking and you can’t cure it. He and he alone is responsible for his lack of responsibility as a husband and father. How can you feel quilt for someone who is living without the burden of losing his home, doesn’t have to pay any child support and gets to continue living life on his terms. Gets to have angry outbursts with signs of violence in breaking things in front of his 7 year old child.
There is therapy, counseling, al-anon and other support for YOU in helping you with your displaced guilt. Guilt that seems to be keeping you from moving forward with your life and for the future life of your children.
FOG and making your way through it.
Fear
Obligation
Guilt
Working through those emotions is where our freedom lies.
Not trying to be mean here, just real and based on my own past (crappy) experiences. Glad you found us and I hope you stick around.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
OMG who cares what how he reacts. He is obliged to support his children and he earns enormously more than you do!
Please apply for support. He's not doing you a favour, it's his obligation.
Please apply for support. He's not doing you a favour, it's his obligation.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
I got divorced ten years ago. Since then I have dated 3 alcoholic men. After I said goodbye to #3 I realized I had to take a stand and learn why I keep getting into bad relationships. I’m here. I’m in Alanon. I’m in counseling. I read all kinds of things. I’m working on myself and it feels good. Please take good care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Love and hugs from Sailor ⚓️
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 572
Dawn,
Sorry to hear about your troubles.
You said that your husband is still drinking, that he has become violent (breaking the sunglass holder), verbally abusive, that you had to call the police after he fought with your then-17 year old, that he isn’t paying child support, and that it’s causing you financial difficulty, and that he blames his short fuse on alcohol but has no desire to curb his drinking or stop.
It seems like he is causing a lot of heartache. Being married for 9 years would cause me to have an emotional investment, notwithstanding behavior that I didn’t like, but do you envision change in the foreseeable future if you stick around?
Have you thought about building a life separate from him, and becoming self-supporting, financially, emotionally, etc.?
Sorry to hear about your troubles.
You said that your husband is still drinking, that he has become violent (breaking the sunglass holder), verbally abusive, that you had to call the police after he fought with your then-17 year old, that he isn’t paying child support, and that it’s causing you financial difficulty, and that he blames his short fuse on alcohol but has no desire to curb his drinking or stop.
It seems like he is causing a lot of heartache. Being married for 9 years would cause me to have an emotional investment, notwithstanding behavior that I didn’t like, but do you envision change in the foreseeable future if you stick around?
Have you thought about building a life separate from him, and becoming self-supporting, financially, emotionally, etc.?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 18
I have been trying to build a life separate from him. I do things with my boys and our son without him. I work, and have a great job but it still isn't enough. Emotionally, I feel like I've been on my own for a long time. He wants to meet to discuss things and child support and drinking are top on my list. xoxo
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
dawnayers.....the following website may help you to organize your thoughts ...it is informational in nature....a nd, is arranged by STATE.....
If he makes three times what you do...and you have been married for 9 years...it certainly seems that you would be entitled to some financial support....
(if you stay married for ten years..legally, I believe that entitles you to certain social security benefits..under certain circumstances...lol..I am not a lawyer. But, this might be something to ask a real lawyer about).
www.womansdivorce.com
If he makes three times what you do...and you have been married for 9 years...it certainly seems that you would be entitled to some financial support....
(if you stay married for ten years..legally, I believe that entitles you to certain social security benefits..under certain circumstances...lol..I am not a lawyer. But, this might be something to ask a real lawyer about).
www.womansdivorce.com
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 18
Thank you dandylion - we've been married almost 7 years - together 9. I will def check out the website.
I def am titled to child support and need to get over the fear of his reaction. He needs to stop living the luxury life and live up to his responsibilities.
I def am titled to child support and need to get over the fear of his reaction. He needs to stop living the luxury life and live up to his responsibilities.
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