Back to Square 1......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 22
Back to Square 1......
Well, it has been a month or so since I last posted. Not shockingly....I sit here, devastated, yet again.
My AH, who had moved out in January after a very rocky rapid down spiral this fall, and who kept popping in really late at night while he was living elsewhere, and who couldn't seem to stay sober for more than 10 days or so, apparently had a change of heart once he learned that I met w/ a divorce attorney in Feb. He begged to come home, said he wanted to fight for me, our marriage, our family, etc. Said he was POSITIVE he didn't want a divorce (he was the one that kept saying he wanted out of the marriage), he knew he really needed help w/ sobriety, etc. I was reluctant, but I let him come back.
That was President's Day. He has stayed sober, gotten a sponsor, attended AA regularly, and really seems to be working the steps for the 1st time. Things seemed to be getting better, slowly, but all steps in the right direction. Then, Tuesday he didn't come home til midnight, I couldn't get in touch w/ him for hours, and it hurt. When I explained my hurt feelings, his response...like always "We need to talk, I can't do this, I'm too stressed". So, this is all via text when he knows he won't see me for at least 12 hours. Needless to say, we never really "talked" on Wednesday. Last night, he never came home. He text to say he was staying with a friend and we could "talk" later. I replied that it isn't fair for him to keep saying we need to talk when he is literally never available to talk....he is avoiding me and it is too painful to sit at home and wonder what he is going to say. I get no response for 12 hours and then all he says is "Cause I don't want to fight" What the heck.....we hadn't been fighting....things were smooth at home......I am so confused. I want to tell him he is being a coward, but I also don't even want to respond.
I know I keep doing this to myself, I probably shouldn't have let him come back. And now, here I am again.....back at square 1, heartbroken and hopeless. He is only 18 days sober....how can he think that he is in a clear frame of mind? Regardless, I need help/advice for learning to let go and realizing/accepting that, even if he realizes the depth of his mistakes, I don't know that it could ever be a healthy marriage. I am SO, SO torn.......
My AH, who had moved out in January after a very rocky rapid down spiral this fall, and who kept popping in really late at night while he was living elsewhere, and who couldn't seem to stay sober for more than 10 days or so, apparently had a change of heart once he learned that I met w/ a divorce attorney in Feb. He begged to come home, said he wanted to fight for me, our marriage, our family, etc. Said he was POSITIVE he didn't want a divorce (he was the one that kept saying he wanted out of the marriage), he knew he really needed help w/ sobriety, etc. I was reluctant, but I let him come back.
That was President's Day. He has stayed sober, gotten a sponsor, attended AA regularly, and really seems to be working the steps for the 1st time. Things seemed to be getting better, slowly, but all steps in the right direction. Then, Tuesday he didn't come home til midnight, I couldn't get in touch w/ him for hours, and it hurt. When I explained my hurt feelings, his response...like always "We need to talk, I can't do this, I'm too stressed". So, this is all via text when he knows he won't see me for at least 12 hours. Needless to say, we never really "talked" on Wednesday. Last night, he never came home. He text to say he was staying with a friend and we could "talk" later. I replied that it isn't fair for him to keep saying we need to talk when he is literally never available to talk....he is avoiding me and it is too painful to sit at home and wonder what he is going to say. I get no response for 12 hours and then all he says is "Cause I don't want to fight" What the heck.....we hadn't been fighting....things were smooth at home......I am so confused. I want to tell him he is being a coward, but I also don't even want to respond.
I know I keep doing this to myself, I probably shouldn't have let him come back. And now, here I am again.....back at square 1, heartbroken and hopeless. He is only 18 days sober....how can he think that he is in a clear frame of mind? Regardless, I need help/advice for learning to let go and realizing/accepting that, even if he realizes the depth of his mistakes, I don't know that it could ever be a healthy marriage. I am SO, SO torn.......
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Sweetie.... I'll bet you dollars to donuts he is NOT sober.
I remember hearing all those exact same phrases and enduring those same absences. In my situation it always meant he was drinking.
"I'm stressed", always meant, " I needed/wanted to drink"
"I can't do this"' always meant, " I can't stay sober"
"I don't want to fight", always meant, " I've been drinking, you will know it , you will say or do something I don't like and I don't want to deal with that"
Hugs for you, I've been there. It sucks.
I remember hearing all those exact same phrases and enduring those same absences. In my situation it always meant he was drinking.
"I'm stressed", always meant, " I needed/wanted to drink"
"I can't do this"' always meant, " I can't stay sober"
"I don't want to fight", always meant, " I've been drinking, you will know it , you will say or do something I don't like and I don't want to deal with that"
Hugs for you, I've been there. It sucks.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Set yourself some boundaries to help prevent his behavior from affecting you.
Agree with the other posters about his sobriety or lack thereof.
And finally, he is doing what my wife did.. thinking he can wrangle his disease by himself... he needs more help than he is able to do on his own... suggest he goes to a rehab... and suggest you go forward with the divorce paperwork... better to have yourself poised to exit and him know you are serious about it.
Agree with the other posters about his sobriety or lack thereof.
And finally, he is doing what my wife did.. thinking he can wrangle his disease by himself... he needs more help than he is able to do on his own... suggest he goes to a rehab... and suggest you go forward with the divorce paperwork... better to have yourself poised to exit and him know you are serious about it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Inquiringmnd.....relapses are horrible....after the partner gets all puffed up on hope (again)....then, we get our hearts slammed down to the ocean floor.
Go back and read through your past threads. I wrote several long posts to you..especially on the first thread and the thread of January 18th (as well as other people). That advice hasn't changed. Especically the part about a one year separation...to give him time to work on his program while you work on yours.
I hope that you are reading the articles from the library everyday and the books recommended about early recovery.
To find your old threads....just click on your name (on the left)...and then, select "previous threads".
Many alcoholics will relapse several times before they make the decision o work an intense, diligent program of recovery. Relapse is not a part of recovery, but, it is a p art of alcoholism.
***Here is another important point, I think....A certain percentage of people will have a "dual diagnosis".....and are using alcohol to medicate the other conditions that they may have....for instance--depression, undiagnosed adhd, unresolved issues from the past (like sexual abuse, etc.)...or some other mental health condition.
If these conditions are not treated, simultaneously, recovery is very hard and unlikely. Both conditions...alcoholism and the co-occurring condition.
It would be smart for him to be evaluated by a psychologist or psychiatrist.....
Would he see a psychologist or psychiatrist for an evaluation? Would he consider entering a rehab program...either inpatient or outpatient?
You haven't said how intensely he has been working his AA program (or not!).
Some people go to 90 meetings in to days and meet with their sponsor on a regular basis.
I know he was in a sort of sober house....which is a good thing, I think...but,they can't force him to do anything...he has to want it himself....they can kick him out, though....
I agree with you, that, letting him into the house so soon was not a good idea.
This is why you need as much support as he does. The spouse can "relapse". too...lol....
If you both want the marriage to work....then, you both (not just one) will have to be willing to do what you need to do...not, necessarily, what you want to do.
If you still want to file for divorce...you can do so. It takes a long time to get divorced....so you could take a year to build yourself up and allow him the space to deal with his issues. You can always evaluate your decision, after ti me has passed.
At the bottom line, you will have to do what is in the best interest of you and the children.
If you need more help...then, get it....
alanon would be a good idea for you , as well as seeing a counselor that is schooled in alcoholism....
Another book that is highly recommended, around here, is "CO-Dependent No More"....it is an easy read and a real eye opener. I will bet that a lot of it will resonate with you.
There is so much to know. Knowledge is power.
(remember, horizontal tango messes everything up).....
Go back and read through your past threads. I wrote several long posts to you..especially on the first thread and the thread of January 18th (as well as other people). That advice hasn't changed. Especically the part about a one year separation...to give him time to work on his program while you work on yours.
I hope that you are reading the articles from the library everyday and the books recommended about early recovery.
To find your old threads....just click on your name (on the left)...and then, select "previous threads".
Many alcoholics will relapse several times before they make the decision o work an intense, diligent program of recovery. Relapse is not a part of recovery, but, it is a p art of alcoholism.
***Here is another important point, I think....A certain percentage of people will have a "dual diagnosis".....and are using alcohol to medicate the other conditions that they may have....for instance--depression, undiagnosed adhd, unresolved issues from the past (like sexual abuse, etc.)...or some other mental health condition.
If these conditions are not treated, simultaneously, recovery is very hard and unlikely. Both conditions...alcoholism and the co-occurring condition.
It would be smart for him to be evaluated by a psychologist or psychiatrist.....
Would he see a psychologist or psychiatrist for an evaluation? Would he consider entering a rehab program...either inpatient or outpatient?
You haven't said how intensely he has been working his AA program (or not!).
Some people go to 90 meetings in to days and meet with their sponsor on a regular basis.
I know he was in a sort of sober house....which is a good thing, I think...but,they can't force him to do anything...he has to want it himself....they can kick him out, though....
I agree with you, that, letting him into the house so soon was not a good idea.
This is why you need as much support as he does. The spouse can "relapse". too...lol....
If you both want the marriage to work....then, you both (not just one) will have to be willing to do what you need to do...not, necessarily, what you want to do.
If you still want to file for divorce...you can do so. It takes a long time to get divorced....so you could take a year to build yourself up and allow him the space to deal with his issues. You can always evaluate your decision, after ti me has passed.
At the bottom line, you will have to do what is in the best interest of you and the children.
If you need more help...then, get it....
alanon would be a good idea for you , as well as seeing a counselor that is schooled in alcoholism....
Another book that is highly recommended, around here, is "CO-Dependent No More"....it is an easy read and a real eye opener. I will bet that a lot of it will resonate with you.
There is so much to know. Knowledge is power.
(remember, horizontal tango messes everything up).....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I did the same thing, kept taking him back because things would change. One day I finally got it ... the problem was me and my denial kept me on the same hamster wheel. My sponsor said "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Alanon was a lifesaver in getting my life back.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Originally Posted by dandylion 
***Here is another important point, I think....A certain percentage of people will have a "dual diagnosis".....and are using alcohol to medicate the other conditions that they may have....for instance--depression, undiagnosed adhd, unresolved issues from the past (like sexual abuse, etc.)...or some other mental health condition.
If these conditions are not treated, simultaneously, recovery is very hard and unlikely. Both conditions...alcoholism and the co-occurring condition.
If these conditions are not treated, simultaneously, recovery is very hard and unlikely. Both conditions...alcoholism and the co-occurring condition.
I feel the therapists words to be wise and that of a cautionary note. However, it is clear that if the underlying issue is not addressed, relapse is highly likely when the triggers arise.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Spence.....I understand what you are saying....that is why I suggested that an evaluation by a psychiatrist might be a good idea in these cases. Because a psychiatrist would be knowledgeable of what you speak and has the best understanding of the use of mediations...because they work with them so much and they have a solid medical backgrounding.
A person can be under the care of a psychiatrist (or a psychologist) while in treatment for the alcoholism...as they can monitor their progress and their physical/mental status. Not everyone is on medication just because they are under such care.
I have worked many years in psychiatry and have worked with alcoholics for several years, so I think close monitoring by a treatment team of caregivers is a good way to go with complicated cases of dual diagnosis....
By the way...I highly endorse AA as an invaluable part of the treatment plan...from day one to the rest of a person's life...lol.....
A person can be under the care of a psychiatrist (or a psychologist) while in treatment for the alcoholism...as they can monitor their progress and their physical/mental status. Not everyone is on medication just because they are under such care.
I have worked many years in psychiatry and have worked with alcoholics for several years, so I think close monitoring by a treatment team of caregivers is a good way to go with complicated cases of dual diagnosis....
By the way...I highly endorse AA as an invaluable part of the treatment plan...from day one to the rest of a person's life...lol.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
husbands don't pull disappearing acts just because they are stressed and they don't stay out overnight to avoid a fight........and i don't think he was at an all night Big Book study.......
it really blows when they DO appear to be making an effort, taking action, making changes and then *poof* it's like the last three weeks or three months or three years never happened.
now is the time to take care of you.....he's showing his ass again. maybe he needs to do whatever it is he is going to do from a place that isn't in your face? maybe he needs to move out and stay out this time. that will be for you to decide. or he may make that decision FOR you....more shall be revealed.
it really blows when they DO appear to be making an effort, taking action, making changes and then *poof* it's like the last three weeks or three months or three years never happened.
now is the time to take care of you.....he's showing his ass again. maybe he needs to do whatever it is he is going to do from a place that isn't in your face? maybe he needs to move out and stay out this time. that will be for you to decide. or he may make that decision FOR you....more shall be revealed.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Okay peeps. Kindly follow the rules and do not hijack. Restrict your post to your personal experience with the original question. Otherwise have your own conversation over on a new thread.
Mike
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Mike
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