What is this exactly? (Help/Input wanted)
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
Originally Posted by thousandwords53 
I still feel responsible for his feelings. Logically I am aware that this is so simple. Working through my thoughts here to distract myself from replying.
Remember when he kept asking you out and you finally said no and don't ask again - something to that effect and it stopped? What was the fall-out from that (i'm guessing none).
If you are honest with him, maybe that's the ticket?
I also wonder, how does this type of attention from him make you feel? And have you thought that maybe in some way this is giving him unwarranted hope, the waffling rather than saying it straight out.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Ah, yes, I think many of us understand that feeling of responsibility for the other's feelings and can't bear to cause someone else pain.
"If I leave he/she will hurt themselves."
"If I leave he/she will fall into a deep depression."
For me, it originates with this idea in my head that *I* am not allowed to hurt other people. I think this can be looked at two ways....
I really shouldn't hurt other people as in I should not *purposefully*:
make fun of them
belittle them
be cruel to them
etc.
You are not purposefully hurting someone if you:
choose another path
remove yourself from a relationship
decide you are not in love with someone
decide to do something else with your evening
You aren't separating from your husband specifically and purposefully to hurt him, you are doing it to make a better life for yourself and the children.
I hope today has dawned just a bit better!
"If I leave he/she will hurt themselves."
"If I leave he/she will fall into a deep depression."
For me, it originates with this idea in my head that *I* am not allowed to hurt other people. I think this can be looked at two ways....
I really shouldn't hurt other people as in I should not *purposefully*:
make fun of them
belittle them
be cruel to them
etc.
You are not purposefully hurting someone if you:
choose another path
remove yourself from a relationship
decide you are not in love with someone
decide to do something else with your evening
You aren't separating from your husband specifically and purposefully to hurt him, you are doing it to make a better life for yourself and the children.
I hope today has dawned just a bit better!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
If I recall correctly, the two of you have been separated before, but you ended up moving back, right? That has likely reinforced the fact for him that this is temporary, and it will take time and consistent non-engagement from you before he understands that you are serious. Try not to focus on being right or wrong or mean or kind, but rather on being consistent.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
If it were me..and it was at one time cos I split with my exah 4 times so you can see he thought for ages on the last run we'd eventually get back together. I looked deadpan when he started suggesting we would get back together or asking for "dates" and pulled a face when saying no and said "Do not ask me again." ( no smiling..they think they are in with a chance if you smile) . I refused to engage any remarks, except ones to to with our children and I certainly never answered texts about my appearance cos how I look is nothing to do with ex.
I would also ask him to stop using your son to get to you. It is totally wrong to discuss you with a 10 year old child.
Don't be tempted to tell him you've met someone else to throw him off cos I did that and my exah just upped the anti.
I would also ask him to stop using your son to get to you. It is totally wrong to discuss you with a 10 year old child.
Don't be tempted to tell him you've met someone else to throw him off cos I did that and my exah just upped the anti.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I had sort of an opposite experience in that my XAH was talking bad about me to our child, who was 10 at the time.
What did change that was a letter that was written from child to dad. Part of that letter was telling dad to stop talking badly about mom, that it's hurtful and confusing.
He must have taken it to heart in some ways b/c while it did not stop completely, it was drastically reduced.
I hate to say, but sometimes the children have to speak up to put a stop to certain behaviors. I had/have my children in counseling so that they are strong enough and confident enough to speak out when they need to.
By the way, I had no part of the letter writing. It was encouraged by the counselor and completed by my child. It took a long time.
What did change that was a letter that was written from child to dad. Part of that letter was telling dad to stop talking badly about mom, that it's hurtful and confusing.
He must have taken it to heart in some ways b/c while it did not stop completely, it was drastically reduced.
I hate to say, but sometimes the children have to speak up to put a stop to certain behaviors. I had/have my children in counseling so that they are strong enough and confident enough to speak out when they need to.
By the way, I had no part of the letter writing. It was encouraged by the counselor and completed by my child. It took a long time.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
what comes to mind with your husband and your son is called "enmeshment":
"Enmeshment is a concept introduced by Salvador Minuchin to describe families where personal boundaries are diffused, sub-systems undifferentiated, and over-concern for others leads to a loss of autonomous development."
Very unhealthy to put a 10 year old in the middle of things. I hope you are eligible for some family counseling while you go through your divorce, or at the very least get your son into his own counseling to help him understand what healthy boundaries look like in an age appropriate way. If it were me, I would insist on my STBXH have some parenting classes. Most states mandate parenting classes when families go through the legal system. If this is not happening, call your attorney and ask, but insist that STBXH do so (as well as you and your son in his own separate sessions) if it is available to your family. Often times there is a no-fee or sliding fee schedule.
There is no excuse for him manipulating your son into joining in the dynamics of adult behaviors. You both should be mindful of what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior. I don't know all the details but is could very well be a form of child abuse. At the very least this could affect your son later when he begins to form his own ideas of what a (healthy or not) relationship should look like.
"Enmeshment is a concept introduced by Salvador Minuchin to describe families where personal boundaries are diffused, sub-systems undifferentiated, and over-concern for others leads to a loss of autonomous development."
Very unhealthy to put a 10 year old in the middle of things. I hope you are eligible for some family counseling while you go through your divorce, or at the very least get your son into his own counseling to help him understand what healthy boundaries look like in an age appropriate way. If it were me, I would insist on my STBXH have some parenting classes. Most states mandate parenting classes when families go through the legal system. If this is not happening, call your attorney and ask, but insist that STBXH do so (as well as you and your son in his own separate sessions) if it is available to your family. Often times there is a no-fee or sliding fee schedule.
There is no excuse for him manipulating your son into joining in the dynamics of adult behaviors. You both should be mindful of what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior. I don't know all the details but is could very well be a form of child abuse. At the very least this could affect your son later when he begins to form his own ideas of what a (healthy or not) relationship should look like.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Thank you all for the replies.
I want to be clear that I intercepted and stopped the message immediately that referenced my body. The rest of the time I am dealing with things in retrospect- ex talking to son about missing me, or does mom really miss me you think? (these are examples I learned from this weekend, unfortunately)
I am following up today for a professional appointment for son. And I will also remind ex to not bring me up during visitation.
I want to be clear that I intercepted and stopped the message immediately that referenced my body. The rest of the time I am dealing with things in retrospect- ex talking to son about missing me, or does mom really miss me you think? (these are examples I learned from this weekend, unfortunately)
I am following up today for a professional appointment for son. And I will also remind ex to not bring me up during visitation.
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Location: Florida
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What is this exactly?
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psy.../triangulation
https://www.sharonselby.com/parentin...-relationships
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by trailmix
I completely understand what you mean. This is a tough one. Letting go of that responsibility.
Remember when he kept asking you out and you finally said no and don't ask again - something to that effect and it stopped? What was the fall-out from that (i'm guessing none).
If you are honest with him, maybe that's the ticket?
I also wonder, how does this type of attention from him make you feel? And have you thought that maybe in some way this is giving him unwarranted hope, the waffling rather than saying it straight out.
Remember when he kept asking you out and you finally said no and don't ask again - something to that effect and it stopped? What was the fall-out from that (i'm guessing none).
If you are honest with him, maybe that's the ticket?
I also wonder, how does this type of attention from him make you feel? And have you thought that maybe in some way this is giving him unwarranted hope, the waffling rather than saying it straight out.
How I feel: I do not enjoy romantic attention from him. But I feel the guilt/weight of it being so one sided and that's where I waffle.
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But I feel the guilt/weight of it being so one sided and that's where I waffle.
This is the same guy who said he was going to a strip club when you wanted to spend time with your sisters, yes?
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