honeypig

I wanted to pass on this sterling bit of motivational writing by SR member FreeOwl. Stumbled across it over in the Newcomers section of the forum and it is just so dang good! It's directed at those trying to quit drinking, but I think it applies to a whole lot else in life, too.

IT'S NOT THAT TOUGH

Now before you rail at me or come down on yourself - set aside your reaction if you will and stay with me here.


You don't need to waste time 'figuring out why'.

You don't need to wait until it becomes unbearably awful.

You don't need to have the perfect set of conditions.

You don't need to wait 'until ________________ so I can quit'.

You don't need to 'understand' what drove you to drink in the first place.

You don't need to complicate it.

You don't.


ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS CHOOSE TO EMBRACE SOBRIETY.

Right now.

Not tomorrow.

Not next week.

Not someday.

Right NOW, from wherever you are.

Then you just need to follow that choice with ACTION that supports it.

And just keep making that decision. All day long, all night long, each moment if you must.

It's hard - yes - but not that tough.

You can do it.

You can.

Just DO it.

Link to the thread is here if you want to read further input/discussion/thoughts on the original post: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...not-tough.html (Hey - Look - It's not that tough.)

Smarie78

This is the same advice in leaving a codependent relationship with an addict. Interesting!

I do wonder though, is it possible that some people become so physically dependent that they truly cannot stop? That the brain chemistry has changed so much that they are unable to stay in recovery? I always wonder this with the severe addict. I know my qualifier seemed to be unable to go two months sober. He would go to meetings and live in the sober house, but for whatever reason he would have to pick up again. I'm not at ALL implying excuses for him. I just wonder if it can get that bad for some to the point of no return. I can't imagine someone who when dry, is a hard worker, has a great job and is sparkly clean and intelligent to sanely choose and sleep outside in the winter on the street and not take a bath for a month in order to drink. I know people say addicts choose to stay high, but do you think that with some it stops being a choice?

honeypig

Politely declining to engage in any discussion about choice/no choice on the A's part. How on earth could I ever really know that, anyway?

I posted this b/c to me, it's about MY choices and excuses, in so many areas of my OWN life.

Smarie78

Fair enough. I didn't catch your intro so that's why I replied to the post itself. It's true though as with anything in life. It isn't easy, but it is simple. Cheryl Strayed wrote a book called "Tiny Beautiful Things" and she has an excerpt in there that reminded me a little of this;

“Go, even though you love him.
Go, even though he is kind and faithful and dear to you.
Go, even though he's your best friend and you're his.
Go, even though you can't imagine your life without him.
Go, even though he adores you and your leaving will devastate him.
Go, even though your friends will be disappointed or surprised or pissed off or all three.
Go, even though you once said you would stay.
Go, even though you're afraid of being alone.
Go, even though you're sure no one will ever love you as well as he does.
Go, even though there is nowhere to go.
Go, even though you don't know exactly why you can't stay.
Go, because you want to.
Because wanting to leave is enough.”

― Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar

hearthealth

Wanting to leave is enough????? That sounds so wrong.

wehav2day

Thanks for that, Honeypig! Great post.

Smarie, in aa there is a saying something like this: “rarely have we seen someone fail who has thoroughly followed this path. Some have grave mental difficulties, some are incapable of rigorous honesty.” I’m paraphrasing from the promises.

In essence, I agree with that. Some of us have mental illnesses that kind of exempt that particular plan from working, possibly. I don’t have enough experience to address that thought. I personally feel alcoholism is a form of mental illness, and owning that doesn’t trouble me at all, but it bothers some folks.

The honesty thing... that’s faaaarrrr more common. I had many failed attempts at sobriety, and they were mostly related to my inability, try as I might, to be fully honest with myself. That’s a common problem with folks in active addiction I believe.

dandylion

hearthealth....to me..."Wanting to leave is enough".....That sounds SO RIGHT to me......
I left m y first marriage with three small children....because I wanted to...and, I have never regretted that decision. I shudder to think what would have happened to me and the kids if I didn't. That was many years ago...and he has ong remarried, etc. He has still not changed one molecule of his selfish narcissistic ways.....
I don't talk to him...but, I have heard reports through my adult children and some friends....

We are born with free will...it is God given... Marriage is not meant to be a prison sentence...
We are born with what it takes to flourish in this life...not to just exist under the sole of someone else's shoe....

DesertEyes

That is an entirely different question. Given enough time alcohol consumption causes brain damage. Those folks are visibly and clearly incapacitated. They are unable to respond to normal conversation, are unaware of the date, where they are, what world they are in. It's not that different from having a severe brain injury from an accident.

The original post here is about people who have a properly functioning brain.

It depends on your definition of "sane". If you are using "is a hard worker, has a great job and is sparkly clean and intelligent" to define sanity then you have one answer.

That goes back to the medical definition of "sanity" and "choice". Alcohol is a sedative, no different than anestesia in a surgical procedure. A patient has a choice to sign for anesthesia, but only before taking the drug. Once the drug is taken the brain ceases to function and the patient has to be supervised.

Which means that you have to separate the definition of "choice" when a person has a fully functioning braing from an entirely different definition of "choice" when the brain is medically incapacitated.

Mike
Moderator, SR

PuzzledHeart

Today, I found out that a family friend of mine has brain cancer. He has two daughters under age five. He suffered a brain bleed during surgery and lost control of half his body.

So when I read what you wrote, Smarie, I just got angry. My friend got brain cancer through no fault of his own, and . If somebody told him he had to do a thousand pushups a day to give him an extra two weeks with his daughters and wife I'm sure he would gladly do it. This is a man who cooked food for my aging parents and brought it to them. They weren't even his parents and he did that for them. When was the last time your ABF did something kind like that for someone without expecting payback?

Your ABF may be so physically dependent on alcohol that he can no longer kick the addiction, that is true. BUT HE GOT HIMSELF THERE. I had minor surgery last year and I was so glad when I got off the painkillers in a day because the LAST thing I wanted was to develop an addiction. My friend has no clue of what he could have done to avoid the cancer, and yet he got it anyway. And I can bet you a million bucks if somebody told him how to avoid it he would have done it.
Your ABF drank and drank even though he knew that he was sliding down that slope. He had multiple chances in the past to get off the hill and yet he kept on drinking to the point of no return.

I'm sorry that I'm going off in a judgmental tear here, but I can't help but ask, why does your ABF throw away all his chances at living when others would do anything to have one extra day? Why do you keep thinking that this is OK? Why do you give so much to this one man, when there are others who would take your compassion and treat it like the treasure it is?

Your ABF throws away his chances at living, and yet he still lives. My friend would do anything to live, and yet the odds are against him.

There is no justice in this world.

Sailorgirl57

Aww Honeypig, thank you for the post. Just the simple hope I needed to stay true to my goal of healthy self love and self care.

I was feeling so lonely tonight...was going to call ABF and tell him I miss him...huge mistake...

Instead, I will choose to take care of myself. I will take my phone upstairs and then come back downstairs. I will pour myself a glass of kombucha and turn on Netflix and watch Absolutely Fabulous until I’m so tired I can crawl in bed and sleep. I’m making the choice. I’m choosing a healthy me. Tomorrow things will look different.

Puzzled heart, I love your anger! Wtf, ABF could have me, but instead he chooses to drink. I deserve better than that!

Love you all! Sailor.

honeypig

PH, I am so sorry for what is happening to your friend. In your shoes, I would be torn between anger at the world and sorrow for my friend too. So hard...

And the part of your post that I quoted above is what I NEVER EVER want to forget.

NYCDoglvr

I think alcoholics must have an overwhelming desire to stop drinking and most alcoholics lack that. In my case it was cold fear I would die -- which is present 26 years after I stopped -- plus the knowledge that once I picked up a drink I had no control over the quantity or what happened. There are always loads of newcomers at the meetings I've been attending for 2.5 decades -- we should be in Yankee Stadium! -- but the rooms don't get any bigger. Now this doesn't mean that people can't get sober without AA or they didn't get married and moved to the suburbs. But I doubt many fall into the latter category.

honeypig

Was re-reading my collection of older subscribed threads and found this one. Still very relevant to me, bumping up in case others find it relevant also.