Chandni

I grew up with vet conservative ideas about marriage and that no matter what happens, a woman needs to adjust and fight for her marriage. I tried . I really did. I had nothing left in me. Not one ounce of anything more to give.
Everything that makes a marriage was gone for is. Trust, compassion, respect. What I was living in was an illusion of what I wanted my marriage to look like. Realitywas very different. I wanted to keep living that illusion and I was doing it alone with my rose coloured glasses on. I am not a Christian but I know one thing , no religion is OK with abuse and if a religion asks me to accept abuse even while I am thinking of hanging myself with a rope, that religion cannot be true . In the end, it did come down to the choice between my life and my death

Xia

Elle, I am so sorry for your sadness and loss - of your XAH, and also the "lostness" you're experiencing with all the feelings of love, anger, guilt and doubt. There seems to be no doubt that you love him and celebrated the goodness in him. You wouldn't be writing here a month later and questioning so much if you didn't. Will you try to just sit with that? Acknowledge that you loved him as best and most as any human could inspite of his addiction.

My XABF is still alive, we don't interact much anymore - though I worry almost every day - did he make it today?
We were not married but I have pretty strong views about sticking by the ones you love. Even today, on the rare occasion when he calls me and he's drunk, I feel the pangs of guilt and wonder if by leaving him i reinforced his sense of abandonment thereby driving him further into his need for escape via a bottle. It's been 6 months since we broke up.
But then I remember - that it is he who left: me...to be with his first love - alcohol. And by having expectations of him to not entertain his first love, I was setting us up for failure. We'd both grow to resent each other. So I left - heartbroken. Not because I didn't love him enough. But because I love him very much.

donewithhurting

When she said "I don't know if I want to stay with you".
I will not be anyone's "plan B". If she is not sure she wants to stay in the marriage then I do not want to stay with her. Limbo is a horrible place to spend your days.

Sailorgirl57

For me, after putting up with his 24/7 drinking for two years, I was finally honest about how much his drinking hurt me. Never being present emotionally. Always at the tavern. Rejecting me sexually. Verbal abuse. Giving me $200 month for all household expenses when I spent $2600, yet he spent $1600/month on beer and tobacco. Sending flowers to bar maids. Humiliating me in public...

It all boiled down to a simple equation. His drinking hurt me. I told him so. He continued to drink and would NOT go to rehab. I had to end it. I had to take care of myself. He was choosing to hurt me! That is not love!

GreenEyes02

I am sorry for your loss - my situation was not the same as yours (as I wasn't with my A for all that long and not married) but I will answer -


I was with my xAbf for just about 16 months. The last 8 months were tense because of the drinking. He had kept it hidden and had lied and manipulated and gas-lighted me. The first time I saw him get drunk was about 5 months into the relationship and it was very scary - he was very grabby with me and verbally abusive. I should have left then but I felt trapped. I was very naïve as I had not dated much in my life and had never had any personal experience with addiction before meeting my qualifier, so I did not know the signs. At first he love-bombed me but he couldn't keep up the façade forever. He interacted with the world, and me, in a very superficial manner.

Before I met xAbf, I had spent years righting the ship of my own life and getting to a point where I was physically and mentally strong and healthy and I decided to try dating again. I met xAbf after dating someone else who was charming and manipulative and who assaulted me and then cheated on me and then broke up with me. xAbf seemed so much more stable (at first) and kind. I felt an internal (and vague social) pressure to stay with him for awhile since he was a "good guy" and we professed to love one another (it wasn't really love - I don't even consider it much of a relationship anymore - more like a hostage situation). He loved alcohol more than anything else.

That last weekend he was drinking and I knew it in my gut (an acidic feeling in the pit of my stomach) but didn't take action until I was presented with hard evidence in the form of a whiskey bottle. Before I found the bottle he gas-lighted me and was dismissive. My anxiety was through the roof. Months of walking on egg-shells and having that pit in my stomach and I was done. I very coldly told him I was done that night. I had lost all respect for him (in truth I had lost respect for him months previously). It is pretty hard to be attracted to someone who you do not respect and whom you find pitiable.

I knew I deserved more. I had spent a vast portion of my life single and pretty happy and I knew my own self worth - that was one thing I was sure of. All of a sudden it was crystal clear - I knew if I stayed with him my life would be terrible and I had fought too hard to make my life the way I wanted it. I was not going to go down with him. Self-preservation kicked in.

He did not take it super well but in the end it has been much more than a year since I broke up with him and I moved on to a happier healthier relationship. I moved - xAbf no longer knows where I live and this gives me a lot of peace. I blocked him and his family on all social media (as his parents tried to cyber stalk me after I broke up with him) and from phoning or texting me.

Of course I was sad at first. But then very quickly a huge feeling of relief flooded my body - his problems were no longer my problems.

PrettyViolets

I am a Christian and both of our parents had been married like over 40 years. Both of us saw a genuine friendship and love in both of our parents but we knew our parent's marriages were not perfect because occasionally there was conflict. Their marriages just lasted and kept growing.

I was reading something today on a Facebook article that stated one of reasons for divorce is that it is no longer a partnership. I agree with this statement that for a marriage to last that there has to be a good base for love, friendship, financial responsibility. If you keep trying to test boundaries with your partner, it becomes something that hurts that partnership rather than helps that partnership grow.

With my husbands 2nd DUI, I just completely became detached from my best friend, my husband, because I realized that alcoholism had won and he was to the point that he could really hurt someone else. We were very lucky that he did not hurt anyone else. It was even more amazing that he totaled the car and he was okay to spend one night in jail (his father bailed him out--I wanted him to sit in jail for a long time).

It was his problem though, not mine. It took that 2nd DUI with my husband on house arrest, ignition interlock, AA meetings for my husband to reach his rock bottom and go after a life of sobriety.

It was 20 years of my husband drinking since his college years. Now that I look back on it, it does make more sense why it was so hard for him to quit drinking.

Our divorce timed out. We could not find a good parenting plan. I finally saw sobriety and financial responsibility from husband. Our kids are 50% of both of us. It was such a personal decision to decide to reconcile. Divorce can become this game of who wins and loses. I am glad that we failed at divorce. Our kids needed both of us in their life and we needed each other as well. I am really only accountable to my kids, myself and my husband to make the best decisions for our lives. I have no regrets.

But there was always the possibility if after his 2nd DUI that he just could have gotten worse. It would have been easier to detach and finalize the divorce if that would have happened.

Nata1980

Sorry for your loss.

My rock bottom came when I realized that he was not sober for two years I thought he was sober, he was eating pills, drinking, and possibly bringing addicted lady friends over to the house while I was away on business trip/DS was at school.

I realized I am no longer attracted to him, no longer trust him, and he endangers my child, my health, and finances. No thanks.

I have a feeling that he portrays me as the cold person who left him at the time of struggle. Oh well.

CarryOn

Elle, I am very sorry for your loss.

One of the things that kept me in my marriage so long was my Catholic upbringing. What helped immensely was speaking to my priest at the time with my mother there for support. She needed to hear what he said just as much as I did. The priest was in recovery himself so he understood, better than I did at the time, what I was going through. He basically told me that things may not work out the way that I wanted them to, and that I needed to do what was best for me. I will also say that since my divorce, I feel my family, even those that are more devout, have been very supportive of my decision to leave my marriage.

I made the decision to divorce many, many times…and then gave my XAH another chance. What finally made it stick was that one of my dogs got sick (I have no children so they’re the closest I have). I had seen some of the signs that something was wrong with our dog, but I was so focused on AH at the time that I didn’t address them immediately. I begged AH for his support throughout our dog’s illness, which involved surgery, radiation, chemotherapy and multiple complications. Instead, my AH’s behavior just became worse – disappearing, refusing contact, refusing to discuss anything, etc. As heartbroken about my beloved dog as I was, it was the final kick in the pants that I needed to actually move my life forward. I did not want the divorce, but I needed the divorce.

As to how I have been dealing with it…I know that I did everything I possibly could to support my XAH into recovery but he did not want it. Two intensive outpatient programs, AA & Al-Anon along with a joint AA/Al-Anon group, individual & joint counseling with professionals experienced in addiction, kicking him out of our home, ultimatums, and on and on. Plain and simple, he did not want to stop and eventually I chose to accept that.

I essentially disappeared from life for a few months…still went to work and saw my family, but otherwise disconnected. I have had to reevaluate many of my personal values and beliefs, and I am still working through that. I still see my counselor regularly. I lean on family and friends for their support. I have not posted in a long time but still read here regularly as I find it helps to continue to process the last several years of my life. I am continuing to work on me.

Now, I am in my own home and living alone (other than my dogs) for the first time in my life. It is quiet and peaceful. I can relax here. I am enjoying creating memories with friends and family. I had a very simple evening with a few family members recently…pizza and wine and conversation. As I got ready for bed that night, I had this feeling wash over me; I did not realize what it was right away. I felt happy. I have had many happy times over the years – enjoying things as they are occuring, etc. But it has been so long since the general backdrop of my solitary moments was happiness and not sadness or anger or some other negative feeling. I now consider myself a success story…not the one I came here for, but one that I believe will be much better for me.

Elle1974

Wow! I am overwhelmed not only by the words and stories you have shared and your openness but also by the strength and hard work you all have put into your lives. I can tell you have all worked so hard.
This thread means so much to me and has truly helped me and will continue to help me as I reread it over and over. I have actually written something that spoke to me from every post in my journal. Thank you SO much! <3