Wamama48

I've spent 6 weeks thinking of all the pain, resentment, anger and the things he did in the past. I'm getting stress migraines, Ive lost 11 lbs in the last month, I can barely concentrate to drive, my whole body hurts from the tension. There's not a lot of me left for the kids, and that makes me feel the worst.
I should be happy! AH called and made an appointment to set up an intake for counseling, the appointment is Monday. He said the counselor told him I am welcome to come too, and AH invited me to come to that first session. I doubt I'll go, this is HIS mess and Id just sit there and cry or tell him off.
I don't expect the feelings to go away or be magicly worked through any time soon. But honestly, I have to stop this round and round ruminating of the past in my head. Problem is, I don't know HOW to make it stop.
I'm going to an Alanon meeting next week, can't wait! But I can't make it if I keep this crap going around in my head because I get migraines and all I can do then is sleep and try not to throw up.
So tell me how to stop the thought merry go round and Ill do it.

dandylion

Wamama.....It is late at night, right now.....but, one of the things that helps for the specific thing that is running around in your brain--the pain, resentment, and anger for things he did in the past---is to make a list....
take one of those long legal pads....and list everything you can think of that happened on the left side of the paper....and on the right side..list how it made you feel...
You can add some every day....as you think of events....The list can be as long as your leg...but, put it all on paper.
This is not for publication, of course, and you can hide it under your mattress.
It might become a reference for you to use, later, though....
If you ever go to a session of his therapy, it, possibly, could become a statement, from you, as to how the marriage has affected you.
I recall one member who was on this forum who used such a list for that very purpose.....

***Normally, I suggest the wailing wall for this purpose, but, with your migraine headaches, I don't think you should be raising your voice.....lol....

Wamama48

Dandylion,
I knew you would answer 😁 I will try that in a few minutes, I'm about to go to bed. I plan on adding to it as I think of things. No wailing wall for me right now lol

Givenup2018

I agree with Dandylion. I kept diaries, lots of them, then I was worried about someone finding them, I kept letters to myself to my Higher Power (in my case God himself) all password protected on my desktop. I used to take them out and read them to remind myself I was not going crazy, especially when I started rationalising his behaviour.
I went through the disbelief, the pain, the bitterness and resentment, then sheer unadulterated anger, I was so so angry, it just came poring out of me.
He went to his therapist and had the audacity to say he was affected from living with an angry person ( I kid you not, his alcoholism as far as he was concerned had nothing to do with the crazy making in our house).
He is now realizing the damage but at this point I am calmer, write a lot less than before, though still find it therapeutic. I thought about printing off the stuff and burning it, just to let it all go, but we are not out of the woods by a long shot, so I will keep it for now.

The only thing though is once you write it down, try not to feast on it as bitterness and resentment is unhealthy for you, do other things such as exercise, go to therapy, talk to a friend, buy a punching bag or take up kick boxing. Let it out but do not dwell on it.

Wamama48

He was affected from living with an angry person? Whaaaaat?! That's just one of those comments where you stand there with your mouth hanging open because there are no words. I've been writing in a journal for several months now. Sometimes I write letters to him in the journal, that helps a lot. It feels better to get those feelings out. My problem is exactly what you said NOT to do.....dwelling on them. Just thinking about what he's done, right now my heart is pounding and my jaw muscles are tight, my shoulders are tensed up. I know, this is not normal and is actually very harmful. The following conversations take place after the kids are asleep, or we go talk in the garage....I've told him, and written many times....I don't deserve this, I didn't ask for it and I don't want it. If I have to suffer with it, he will too. He just stays nice to me, stays sober and tries to make it up to me. And the occasional remark he gets back from me is "you should have done that 18 years ago, and I hate you for doing this to us." I'm full of bitterness and venom, I'm MAD, more than I've ever been in my entire life. He can take his sobriety and kindness and keep it. I don't want it, its too late. Yeah I know my attitude and what I say isn't solving or helping anything. I don't care, I'm done keeping it together and doing all the work. I'm exhausted, I'm depleted. I'm only one person and while he was drunk and oblivious, relaxed and having fun, we were having to deal with the fallout. This isn't solvable. Nothing will erase it, it won't disappear, it can never be made right, it can't be fixed. And that's where the problem lies right there!!!! I think that's what I can't let go. Wow, didn't mean to say all that, my fingers just kept typing.

Givenup2018

Wamama, I think now that he is sober the dam has broke and all is flooding out. You don't have to keep it together, get angry if you must, you do not have to continue to play happy families, you DO have to work on yourself though, your own mental and emotional health, take the focus off of him and onto yourself. You have to start working on your boundaries, your own happiness. What do your need to stay calm, mentally and emotionally healthy? You can do this regardless of where he is in his A journey. You have to for your own survival. Go to counselling if it helps, focus on your kids, stop engaging with your AH. He has to do his own work too. He is probably not ready to actually face what he has done, (if ever), there is no point in flogging a dead horse. Don't make any hasty decisions now, work on yourself and then make a decision to stay or leave and what you need to do either. The way you feel is absolutely normal, learn to detach. Are you doing the Al Anon steps?

Seren

Journaling has helped me through a lot, too. Great, big, angry scribbled writing...very cathartic. About 20 to 25 minutes a day. That, and banging on the steering wheel in the car while screaming I have found to be very effective

p.s. I don't recommend that last bit while at a stop light in traffic, though. Er, ask my how I know....

Ladybird579

I blogged it on a private blog . Every single thing I felt, I listed all the stuff he'd done...years and years of resentment I poured out onto that blog. How stupid I felt for buying into his lies and how unloved and rejected and let down and hopeless. I copied and pasted posts people put on here that spoke to me. Poems I wrote, songs I heard. I blogged my relationships with others, how I felt about men in general, how the divorce went, what I needed to do to work on myself....you name it it went on there. I still read it back. One thing I did learn very quickly from blogging and see how he reacted to things, is my husband did not understand, try to understand or care about how he treated me or our kids. It was a brick wall situation ...I never, ever even got a sorry from him. He still to this day thinks his drinking and all the carnage that went with it was justified but he did admit he never loved me..not really. He saw me as a way to drink. He never admitted that at the time tho but part of my anger was I knew deep down he didn't love me.

biminiblue

In addition to the journal ling I realized I too needed to place some boundaries on my ruminating or I would spin all day.

I read a thing about the Worry Session (I'm calling it that, I don't know if it has a name - but it should, because it worked for me.) The journal has a time limit. So for ten minutes a day I wrote down all the stuff I needed to get out. I used a timer and when the time was up, I closed the page and got up. If and when stuff came into my head about him during the day, I told myself, "Ugh, that! I'll talk about it in the Worry Session." Then I would turn my thoughts to something else. If it was still there, I would keep saying similar things, "Yes, that was something. I'll write about it later," and then turn my thoughts to something else. The Worry Session was in the morning for me, it's when I was the most centered. I found that ten minutes was plenty.

In early days I would have to tell myself that 50 times a day, then it became 20 and then 10 and then I got good at just mentally cutting the thoughts off as soon as I recognized them. They were all in my head, I just needed to 1.) Get them out of there and 2.) Recognize my own power to stop the thoughts.

I feel your pain on the migraines. Medically treated for 25 years. Menopause did wonders for that. Just sayin' there are some miracles!

Be kind to you. It's painful, but it won't last.

Spence7471

For me, it was journaling... and writing letters... some of which were sent to her... (this was a tricky thing as some were supportive letters, others were about me expressing my anger). However, after I wrote them down, i went and did an activity for myself or my children... it was about letting it go. That is what it sounds like you are having problems with. I let go of things easily (only after I have gotten them out), but that also subjects me to being taken advantage of again, so i am working that part.

Letting go is a hard thing to do, and everyone is different. Sometimes in order to let go, one must do something drastic... new haircut, tattoo, moving, divorce, etc... for me, it often involves confronting the person that has wronged me (sometimes in person, othertimes in writings).

Best wishes in letting go...

(That song from the Disney movie just popped into my head!!!!

FireSprite

This worked for me too - sort of like creating a mental box to put this stuff in to hold "for later" & then setting limits to how long I'd let myself ruminate in it. Someone once suggested it was like "setting up a temporary camp instead of moving in" with the thoughts & that struck a chord for me.

I know I'm a broken record with this stuff - but focusing on the simple stuff like hydration, sleep, exercise, meditation, etc really-really DOES help. (I'm a migraine sufferer too)

Plus, in an odd way, when everything so Big feels so Out Of Control, taking control over the little stuff that pays off for me as a win-win in the long run helps me find my balance even if it's just one hour at a time.

mylifeismine

Great advice here and I would only add that to address the physical
symptoms - tense muscles/jaw, aching, the feeling of trying to hold
up a dam about to break.....

Go into a room, lock the door, and start punching the daylights out of
pillows. Cry if you want to. Go outside and kick a ball to the moon.
Get in a car (by yourself) drive somewhere other drivers cant notice
and scream as loud as you can.

These are ways to physically release pent up tension/anger and having done them myself can say they are very very helpful. A controlled release so to speak that frees up some emotional space for forward movement.

firebolt

Snapping one of those rubber Livestrong type bracelets and telling myself to STOP when I would start ruminating helped me a lot. If we're aware we are starting to do the spiral, we can stop it. I did the same as you - i would literally think myself into a migraine....all stuff I had no control over.

This article had some great ideas, snapping the bracelet and saying STOP worked for me.

https://www.anxietycontrolcenter.com...ber-band-snap/

biminiblue

Ouch!

I tried the rubber band snap.

Then I realized I could do it without the self-abuse!

((firebolthug))

hopeful4

This. My therapist agrees with this as well. Put a time on it. Give yourself 30 mins to just be ticked off. Or however long. Then shelf it for next time, and journal it. That way you are not stuffing it or trying to pretend it did not happen. You are simply shelving it until next time. Sending you big hugs!

Wamama48

It worked! I'm using a combination of suggestions. Making myself stop dwelling on the thoughts when its not think time, and redirecting them. Giving myself a time limit to dwell on things (30 min a day, that's what I need right now) and promising myself I can write all about how I feel Every night before bed. I had a decent day yesterday. Did some sewing, helped my 11 yo sew a pillow and talked/listened to my 16 yo talk about things for a long time. Thanks everyone, this group is my sanity line right now.