velma929

"She's still grieving the loss of her son."

"He's still dead."

I detest the idea of closure, always have. The idea that feelings are like spigots that can be turned off and on (or repaired when they leak) never rang true for me.

At a funeral, a minister told us we would "move from knowing J to remembering him." That was something I could embrace.

I remember breaking up with my first boyfriend. He wasn't a great boyfriend. I deserved better but I was devastated. I realized I felt almost the same when a beloved pet had died a couple years earlier: I would miss the good times, but now the suffering was over.

Smarie78

Thanks so much everyone for all of your very moving words. I like the idea of writing an unsent letter. I may do that this weekend. In addition of course to moving his things somewhere. Right now there is a drawer with some of his clothes and the bath has his shower gel, his brush still under the cabinet. I don't know if it's so much that I haven't felt ready to rid of it or just the laziness in me (I mean, I struggle to put away my own things!). I really loved reading the above Myth of Closure. So very poignant and really speaks to what this all feels like. The strangest thing I am encountering however is the lack of tears. I don't feel like crying ever. I don't really know what I feel? I wonder if ambiguous loss lends itself to ambiguous feelings. Devastated feels too strong a word, relieved is not the feeling either, though both keep taking turns trying to get in front of the other. Most times I feel nothing. Almost an inability to feel anything. More or less just a numbness over happy and sad. A blanket.

I had a lovely time last night at a cooking class with some colleagues. We made a wonderful meal together, drank wine, laughed and smiled a lot. It made me grateful to finally work at a place where I felt good and safe and competent. But even in these times where I am having fun there is this blanket of sadness. The irony is that the sadness was there too before he left, but it was sadness I knew. I was familiar with. I understood it. I still felt safe in that sadness because I was anchored to its familiarity. I had a safety in it. Now this is a new kind of sadness that I must sit with. It will be great to see my therapist next week as this is a completely new experience from the last three years.

My sister scheduled a 90 minute massage at a spa for us tomorrow. I think this will be great way to take some time for myself.

AnvilheadII

two words:

Hefty Bag

seriously, we aren't entombing a pharaoh here, we are moving a few items from our personal space to another place out of our face. don't MAKE it a big deal, just DO IT.

trailmix

I guess with the "familiar" sadness at least you knew there might be some relief in sight? He might show up and actually SHOW UP and be kind and etc etc and you could get some relief.

Sadness with no relief in sight is hard. Thing is, relief is just around the corner. Just keep doing what you are doing.

One thing to be aware of, I don't think your rather numbed feelings are all that unusual at this point (and it is a defense mechanism) but longer term it could indicate depression so it's just something to be mindful of it it's prolonged you might want to see your GP?

A spa day sounds great!

CentralOhioDad

Not to make light of this thread, but this goes into the "Book of Anvilisms".

trailmix

I so agree with this! Even if you don't have the heart to throw the hefty bag away - get that stuff together and stuff it in the back of the closet!

Otherwise you may just as well place knives around your home so you can keep having little painful jabs as you move about, what should be, your safe, happy, home.

Smarie78

Honestly the not moving his stuff yet is 1,000 percent laziness on my part. I don’t feel sad it’s there or not there. I really don’t feel anything at all seeing it. I will do it this weekend just to get it out of the way though.

AnvilheadII

Anhedonia (inability to feel pleasure) is often seen in addicts once they are removed from their drug of choice. particularly the uppers - because those uppers developed an audobon that ran directly to the pleasure center (PC) of the brain - and zapped the crap out of it. over and over, hit after hit. over time, nothing else would come close to giving the PC a zing, zap or tickle. the only thing that "worked" was.....

MORE.

in the aftermath of drug use, overloaded PCs are still receptive only to the DOC. holding brand new babies, running into burning buildings to rescue puppies, or bungee jumping out of jet at a cruising altitude of 40,000 feet? nothing. which is why so many addicts relapse. just one more hit. just a little bit.

it takes time for the PC to recover......it takes time to learn to get a kick out of the aroma of fresh brewed coffee, or the happy bubbly sound of frying chicken, or notice the early morning bird calls. that's where we fake it til we make it.

HE was your drug of choice. HE became the only thing that gave that zing. it will take time to heal. and that can only be done with time.....and walking thru the discomfort, not frenetically grabbing at the next THING hoping it will do the trick. it's a PROCESS.

Smarie78

Thanks for that. I feel nothing right now. The only thing I have been feeling is my hormones raging. I can’t really cry or feel much anything else. I’m kind of crabby too? Irritable. Irritable and hormonal (ie. sex). a good description. Literally nothing else. Oh and more obsessed with my pup than normal wanting to take care of her and love and dote on her like a therapy dog. She’s getting older and noticed I’ve become more fearful of losing her. No analyzing there I think we know where that comes from. Called my therapist today and seeing her again next week.

Mango blast

Seems likely that you're doing this in the proper or opportune time it was meant for.

When it's not the right timing, things often tend to be put off for no other reason than that.

It's completely okay to go at your own pace. (((Hugs)))

Bekindalways

Smarie, it sounds like you are fighting the good fight but man does it suck. I used to think that each day meant one more day closer to healing. Does exercise help at all?

Sailorgirl57

Every single post on this thread has helped me immensely. Thank you and hugs to all of you. I broke up with the love of my life 37 days ago. I’m beyond the constant crying and sobbing now, but the smallest little things come out of nowhere and bring me to my knees. I had to detox from him, am now trying to find recovery. Sometimes the loneliness seems to be unbearable. I read that it takes about 3 months (plus or minus) to start to see yourself coming out of the painful knife to the gut suffering. Trying to be hopeful that time helps with healing.

Smarie78

It does. Funny you mention, I called my sister after the gym tonight and she said that every time we talk when I’m leaving the gym I sound like a different person - happy and peaceful. So it definitely helps. It also helps with my confidence as I use to feel so insecure in the weight room with all the guys there but I feel secure now that I know what I am doing and not just a dummy trying to learn how machines work. It definitely makes me feel confident going in there knowing that I can do the things I never thought I could. Probably good for me!

Today was a struggle a bit. I was doing ok and suddenly I saw on the news that a body was fished out of the harbor this morning. Finding bodies in the lake near the city here is not what I would call common, but it is regular. Meaning, it happens sometimes and rarely top story. I have to say my heart immediately began beating very quickly. I could see it jumping through my shirt. I don’t know what it was bc I have been able to stave off the anxiety producing thoughts lately, but this one hit me hard. For the first time since all of this I cried my eyes out. And here I was just saying that I couldn’t cry. It just hit like a ton of bricks. It comes out of nowhere I guess. I imagined him there, cold and dead. His face with no color. I flashed back to the times he spoke of wanting to die. I thought about the harbor being near his side of the city. Then I googled to find an identity of which there was none yet. In doing so I found stories of a body found on the train tracks a few days ago of the train line he takes. Suddenly he was all of the missing people. All of the bodies.

I thought about what it would feel like to tell him that no matter what he did I don’t hate him. That he’s loved no matter what. I said this aloud in the car - “I don’t hate you. I could never hate you”.

After that episode I calmed down and went to the gym and then to the store to get ingredients to make myself a nice dinner and I snapped out of it. Everything outside was desolate because of the heavy snow fall we got today. It felt lonlier than usual, but also calm and safe. It passed. I even bought myself two big sprays of purple flowers. I don’t think I’ve ever bought myself flowers before, but felt compelled to tonight.

I talked to my therapist too who scheduled an appointment for me next week. I’m not sure what to do with these feelings of not knowing and feeling abandoned. Of being in what feels like limbo, of a hand grabbing my ankle back forcing me to learn the fate so I can move to the next level..not allowing me to unless I do. I’m grateful for help. Everyday and every moment is something different so I simply subscribe to ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Smarie78

Hugs to you. I’m not sure what the appropriate time is. You just need to move at your own pace and find healing any way you can.

HardLessons

I am several months now into breaking things off with my addict.

The first couple of months were extremely difficult for me. Not really sure how I got past it. I literally had 100's of triggers which lead to bad anxiety attacks. Sometimes several per day.

I will tell you this simple truth, a truth which initially I did not believe. The truth is time away from our addicts helps & things will get better for you. Most of the razor sharp edges which make our lives hell will become more manageable . Some more dramatically than others.

I am not all better. I am still suffering from my relationship with her. I still have issues. But I am way better than I was back in June of 2017. I no longer have any anxiety attacks.

Please give yourself time to heal.

AnvilheadII

Then I googled to find an identity of which there was none yet. In doing so I found stories of a body found on the train tracks a few days ago of the train line he takes. Suddenly he was all of the missing people. All of the bodies.

did it occur to you think about the family and loved ones of those missing/dead persons? THEIR sadness? THEIR loss? rather than try to wear it yourself?

trailmix

Smarie,

Do you have trouble with anxiety in general? Anxiety or panic attacks? I can't remember if you have ever mentioned it.

What I do know is that anxiety makes people hyper-sensitive to negative emotion, like watching the news or a horror movie or seeing something horrible, hearing a negative story.

I just ask because your reaction to the stories that you describe doesn't seem really balanced and again, you do seem to keep going back to a worse case scenario with him.

Smarie78

I’m not sure I understand, why would I? It’s like asking if I think about other people’s pain when I’m in pain. Of course I empathize, but it’s apples and oranges. At that moment my own fears of a missing loved one socked me. So at that moment my experience was about whether the loved one in question was one of the people who were found dead of the many that go missing and are. It’s that simple. No?

Smarie78

Hmm...I mean yes I’ve a history of it, but with him it’s more so because it’s an actual possibility. He was suicidal, an addict, and drinks poison when booze runs out. Also, in the years I’ve known him he’s never left for more than a week. I think that’s why WCS always comes to mind because it’s as likely a possibility as best case. Regardless, it’s important I come to terms with the whole crux of it all which is, I’ve no control whether he lives or dies. I must come to terms with whatever happens to him I can survive it vs fear it. I do think as time marches on my preoccupation will fade. And I do think my reactions have so far been relatively normalish for a loved one that slips off the radar suddenly and so....permanently. But the depression is lingering so my first job is tackling that so it doesn’t get worse. I’ve a history of depressive episodes/bouts so I am being cautious to not slip in.

Today so far has been great. Massage, lunch and bookstore. I genuinely do feel happy today.