Harperlee4

Hello, I've been floating around this forum for a few days and have found reading all of your posts really helpful. I finally decided to join today as I'm feeling pretty heartbroken and lost and could really use some support.

I broke up this week with my alcoholic boyfriend who I just adore. He has a lot of mental health issues (depression and I strongly suspect PTSD) and has had a particularly tough year. The shop he was managing closed so he was unemployed for a long time and eventually all his savings ran out. He has since gotten a job but it is very casual and instead of paying his rent he has been using most of his money to buy alcohol. Unsurprisingly he was evicted from his apartment and instead of looking for a new place he just accelerated his drinking and has been especially cruel. I had been clinging onto reasons to stay with him yet eventually it reached a point where he was so disrespectful towards me that I felt I had no other option. In a way it was the kick I needed to finally get out. I'm so sure he loves me yet regardless here he was still treating me like dirt. It made me finally realise that no matter what, love isn't enough when you are dealing with an alcoholic. I had read it countless times but I think I needed to experience that feeling for myself.

Despite knowing this it still feels awful. After the break up my ex was distraught and apologetic, telling me I'm beautiful and that I deserve better yet very quickly he switched. He then proceeded to justify his cruelty in an attempt to get me back. I miss him terribly and I wish we could be together but not like this. I'm worried that he doesn't know how much I love him and care, that I still want to be with him but it's just not feasible.

To make matters worse, I bumped into him last night on the streets. I was hoping that he would be staying with friends but instead he is homeless and still drinking. I'm worried he is going to slowly kill himself and thus I found myself frantically driving around this morning trying to find him again. Writing all this down I know I sound absurd but I don't know how to stop this horrible feeling of guilt, hopelessness and heartbreak.

Wamama48

Good for you! You have done what I don't have the courage to do. Just because we leave physically doesn't mean our heart does not stay. Im new to the group, I have no advice to give you, but I just want you to know someone is thinking of you and sending hugs your way.

trailmix

Hi Harper and welcome, sorry you are in this situation.

Please try to remember that you didn't Cause this you can't Control it and you can't Cure it (the 3 C's).

I read in the recovery forums here that they say play it forward, so if someone in recovery wants to drink they take a moment to play forward how that will turn out.

Let's say you drove out tonight and found him on the street drinking, what are you going to do? Take him home with you? Are you prepared to care for him?

Thing is, I get your wanting to help him, but you broke up with him because (I assume) you were at the end of your rope?

In the past you probably discussed him getting treatment, quitting, going to AA or similar, was he at all interested in pursuing treatment?

Smarie78

I’m so sorry to hear of your pain. I’ve lived this way for 3 years. Wishing and hoping my love would be enough for him to seek help. I drove around day and night like a crazy person searching when he’d go missing. I’d find him in piles of **** and vomit and bring him home thinking I could save him. It was hell. He’d lose jobs and apartments and it didn’t matter. He slept outside in parks and forest preserves bc he only cared about alcohol. He drank mouthwash and hairspray. Not a thing i could do to help. If you went and took him off the streets then what? He’d just do it at your home and create a nightmare for all involved. I know how bad you want to help and save and comfort him. I know how it hurts. I know the sick worry that keeps you up. I know the buckets of tears you shed just hoping for him to stop. It’s futile. All you can do is get support for yourself. I truly know your pain and don’t wish it on anyone. Watching a love one spiral into that abyss is pain. Release him if only to save yourself.

Harperlee4

Thanks for all your kind words, it means so much. While it is sad to hear others are going through the same pain it is nice at least to not feel so alone. So many of my friends don't get it and think my ex is just a bad person. All my love goes out to you Smarie and Wamama.

Thank you Trailmix also for pulling my head in a bit. Deep down I know there is nothing I can do. My ex and I never even talked about recovery programs because he was forever in denial of his alcoholism. He always promised though to cut back eventually and stop his "heavy drinking" as he called it.

I also held onto hope of him quitting as he has a really serious health condition which means he will have to quit eventually in order to survive. It sounds so horrible but when I found out he was sick I was sort of relieved because I felt like he needed the serious wake up call. I guess now that was just foolish of me to think that way.

Ladybird579

I also held onto hope of him quitting as he has a really serious health condition which means he will have to quit eventually in order to survive. It sounds so horrible but when I found out he was sick I was sort of relieved because I felt like he needed the serious wake up call. I guess now that was just foolish of me to think that way.

You're not foolish. You just hoped like we all did. The reality is tho some alcoholics never have a wake up call and never reach a bottom. My exah had cpr twice in one weekend due to his drinking, bled out 7 pints of blood due to his drinking and needed emergency surgery, he has end stage liver failure and pancreatitis and he is still drinking. It is something I learnt to live with and you will too as you learn more about what alcoholism is.

maia1234

Harper,
Welcome and glad you posted. No, its not fun watching the person you love slip through the cracks. Like they say on an airplane, we need to put on our oxygen mask first before we can save anyone else.

Maybe by you letting him hit his "rock bottom" and you not saving him, maybe this will be the time that he seeks help, but maybe not. Keep posting, reading all over this forum. Education is power and you will realize that your addict is no "special snow flake", he does the same thing that all of ours do. Sending hugs to you!!