nez

Any time I entertain thoughts of revenge, it is because I am being driven by a resentment. Resentments are akin to drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.

OpheliaKatz

No she doesn't "get" to fool around and blame it on alcohol unless you let her. Alcohol is not an excuse for affairs or abuse. Addiction is also not an excuse for alcohol. If you are an addict, you get help and you stay sober... that is what you should do if you are an alcoholic, not have an affair.

You have not forgiven her. Forgiveness is not for HER to feel better, it is for you to feel at peace with her indiscretion; not accepting of her indiscretion, at peace. If it bothers you this much, you can always leave her and still have forgiven her. You forgive her so you are at peace with what has happened, but you do not accept life with a person who has cheated on you, so you leave her.

If you want to do "bad" things -- and it does seem like you want to -- no one is going to stop you, but I don't think it's going to make you feel better, to be honest. If you do have an affair, you will be acting this way out of resentment and eventually your hatred of the behavior that you allowed yourself to engage in, will lead to your hatred of yourself. If you cheat on her, you are doing so because you want to sabotage your relationship out of fear... whether or not you are conscious of it. For example, if you don't resolve your feelings around her affair, having your own affair is a way for you to distance yourself from the relationship and thus from being hurt by her. Having an affair and keeping it a secret is lying on a huge scale, and this shows that you don't respect her... because you know a way you've disrespected her and she doesn't. It's like when kids used to slap another kid on the back in high school, but they'd leave a nasty note stuck to the kid's back: (I'm a dunce.. etc.). The kid would walk around all day not knowing about this note stuck to his back and other people would smirk at him. To do this to your spouse is... terrible.

Cheating, even if people do it out of loneliness, is always always always a way of hurting another person. Because if you are very lonely and you want someone else's company, and you care about not hurting your partner, you tell if to your partner straight: I am ending our relationship, I am lonely and I care about you, but not in the way that I should."

I really suggest you see a therapist for yourself... just to get things clear in your head. You do not have to accept what you don't want to accept. If you don't want to forgive an cheating alcoholic, don't. You are allowed to feel angry but you need to feel those feelings for you. You need to work through the anger until you get to sadness until you get to acceptance and then you make a decision finally. You are in control of your own life.

OpheliaKatz

Re: triggers. I spoke to an addiction counselor recently about triggers. She said that people do get triggered, but what I should remember is that when I get triggered, it's something that's happening inside of me. It's not something that's caused by something outside of me, it's just me, my insides making me feel bad... when there isn't actually a threat (the threat is just inside my head). So the idea that people around me somehow have to soft-shoe around my insecurities is keeping me from my recovery. If I find a situation overwhelming, I step away, calm down, and come back when I'm ready and I have to tools to manage my life-sh*t.

Easier said than done.

Also, for the poster: when you're this angry at someone, you are not required to "be good" or "forgive." You have every right to feel what you are feeling. You need to find a constructive way to work through your anger that doesn't affect other people.

Spence7471

Some quotes from Diary of a Mad Black Woman.... relevant to this subject..


"Myrtle: You know I know this man put a hurtin' on you baby, but you've got to forgive him. No matter what he done, you've got to forgive him - not for him, but for you.
Helen: Forgive him for me?
Myrtle: When some body hurts you they take power over you, if you don't forgive them then they keeps the power. Forgive him baby and after you forgive him, forgive youreself."


and

"Madea: I remember this dude made me so mad, I didn't even know how mad I was until I went to his funeral.
Helen: Why were you so mad at him?
Madea: Because he hit me. Yes he hit me... and I didn't even know how mad I was until I saw him in his casket, he's 8 feet under.
Myrtle: 6 feet, that's how they bury people, Madea, 6 feet under.
Madea: That's what I'm trying to say, I thought I was over what he did to me until I saw him at the funeral, I was so mad I BEAT HIM DOWN 2 more feet."

and

"Listen, you think
you're over something...
you think you're ready
to get on with your life.
This is how you really find out
if you're over something or not.
If you get an opportunity
to get even...
with somebody who did you wrong
and you don't take it...
then you're over it,
but if you don't...
and you beat the hell
out of them...
you ain't over it yet."

Just words for thought.

T

FireSprite

You all are taking my comment far too personally. If you're not triggered, you're not - no big.

I am in NO WAY defending the idea of cheating-as-revenge. YES, of course, there have been plenty of good shares of ES&H - I never suggested otherwise.

I'm simply saying that it's VERY NORMAL to go through a period of time entertaining the idea- for many, many people - when our lives are in this kind of turmoil.

That in NO WAY implies action or follow-through - just that someone is looking at all the ugly sides of the emotions being stirred up. Contemplation.

I don't think I'm being understood so I'm going to bow out here -

firebolt

I can see that thinking that revenge might help you take some power back. Cheating just removes all power from one party in the union, and it seems very natural to me to WANT to level that playing field in the same manner.

I hope you consider that it's not going to make anyone feel better - including you. It's just going to perpetuate that toxic cycle.

If you want some power back, and any reasonable person would, taking control of YOUR life and setting some boundaries is one of the most powerful things I've ever done.

You don't have to be the better person, but I suspect you WANT to be a good person - and maybe your marriage isn't a good place to lead the life you want. (((HUGS))) to you.

nez

Actually I think you are being understood very clearly because pretty much everyone has been there in that thinking at one time or another. Perhaps the replies are not meeting your needs, but consider the possibility that the replies come from experiencing the same line of thinking at some point and what was learned from the experience by the people responding.

OpheliaKatz

“The replies come from experiencing the same line of thinking at some point and what was learned from the experience by the people responding.”

Certainly my responses about cheating and also being triggered come from this. I used to think: why do you get to mess up repeatedly and I have to keep cleaning it up? Why can’t I be the one who’s high so I don’t have to deal with this? Why do you get to text strangers? Etc... .

“If you want some power back, and any reasonable person would, taking control of YOUR life and setting some boundaries is one of the most powerful things I've ever done.”

This is the only thing that really helped me: boundaries… and that meant separation. By the time you’re thinking of doing something as destructive as being the “bad guy”, you’re really desperate and don’t know a way out.

donewithhurting

sent you a Private message - upper right corner of the computer screen.

HoldOnLoosely

Try to live your life well and choose a constructive way to handle your resentment. She went sideways, but you don't have to.

I get your resentments especially given her infidelity, but I doubt you'll have regrets when you choose to stay above the fray, follow your values and tackle everything going on in your marriage in a healthy manner.

aliciagr

I think we make our choices based on those premises which we hold true for ourselves. Our values and such. My husband was also unfaithful when he was using and it was very painful. But the thought of cheating on him, of doing something that would basically make me feel ashamed of myself. That would not have helped. I cant even imagine how much worse I would feel now if I had done something like that.

Would he have forgiven me? I dont know possibly he would have because I would have claimed mental distress and emotional breakdown. ha. But even if he did, Id still have to live with myself.

Recovering from an affair in the marriage took time for me. I think I am there. I still get moments when I think about it but less and less.

Stay true to yourself. That is my only suggestion.

DreamCatcher17

Welcome,
Sorry you're here under these circumstances.

While I was drinking, I did cheat and I was forgiven, pretty sure it took longer for me to forgive myself and gain that trust back too, what felt like ages.
I also wished and told him to go do the same, to cheat on me. I felt like that would even the scoreboard (there is no scoreboard in a relationship). I'm glad he didn't, I don't think I would have handled it well, at all. Even with my "blessing". That was selfish on my end to even suggest to someone who loved me to do such a disrespectful act.
If you do cheat, are you willing to carry that around for the rest of your life/marriage? That sounds like a lot of weight to carry around not only that, I feel like once that is done, not only can it not be taken back but in my past experience, the attitude of the cheater changes, and if you can get away with that, what else are you going to do and how is that going to affect the relationship? It sounds like a slow burning fire that is going to eventually turn into a huge raging fire.

I hope you 2 are able to workout your differences or go your separate ways and both live a happy fulfilling life.