Where I am today
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
Where I am today
So many of you know that my AH was reading my old accountViola71 well now he's reading this one also, it doesn't matter I am going to write my story. I have been using the past couple of days to reflect on what things were like in the very beginning. I came to realize that I have never valued myself in this relationship from day one. I came from a verbally sometimes physically abusive home. I learned to take responsibility for all the bad that happened in our home. I was the target child for my dad's rage. I met AH in high school and was attracted to his quietness and intelligence. Things were good in the beginning from the life skills of a teenager. He drank on our very first date it was peach schnapps while at the movie theater, I thought he was trying to be cool. I was a socially awkward girl with limited experience. He went off to college while I stayed back in high school he came back so frequently that I began to feel pressured by it. In my home life I was determined that once I left I wasn't coming back ever. I broke it off. We dated again after the death of his father and I started college but we were in two different towns. He always wanted me to come there and I started noticing little things that drove me a little crazy. He came across as intellectually superior to the general population. It seemed he felt he was smarter, more important than everyone else. To this day he thinks he is supposed to do something big with his life. I broke it off again. I was always very drawn to him I think because he was quiet and that felt safe to me because my FOO was very loud and scary. He was/is uncomfortable with confrontation, I thought that meant things didn't bother him, little did I (nor he) know he was saving it all for later. I happily took the second place because it was quiet and calm there. I happily took direction from someone who seemed so in control of his emotions, this was foreign to me. I trusted what I saw not knowing what was underneath the surface. I wish I had valued myself as a strong independent woman, thats what I projected. Hidden in me was a terrified girl with no confidence in herself and no safe family to lean on. That girl is still here the only difference is that she knows how to ask for help, she knows that she is strong and independent, she knows her worth and when she doesn't she leans on her new family to build her up until she can hold herself. I forgive myself for not believing in myself, I had no skills or examples to draw from. I forgive myself for not seeing past the image. I forgive myself for being naive. Its funny and sad when I look back. I had a father that hit me and then tell me he loved me, of course I would fall in love with someone who is emotionally unavailable, there was no hitting but it felt the same. Always fluid, always changing, always unpredictable, always my fault. Now I know better. I know my actions are mine and mine alone. His actions or lack of are his and his alone. My heart will heal and be healthy because of the work that I continue to do. That is my gift to myself.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
Originally Posted by dawnrising 
Now I know better. I know my actions are mine and mine alone. His actions or lack of are his and his alone. My heart will heal and be healthy because of the work that I continue to do. That is my gift to myself.
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