King Baby & His/Her ORP
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King Baby & His/Her ORP
First of all, this is a vent, but not a vent only directed at my AH. It's a vent also directed at me--the ORP (defined by Psychology Today as "Overly Responsible Person.")
I have so many friends and supporters here and all of them have gotten the memo that when things get too crazy, you just leave. At my age, and with my tenure on this forum, I'm the token "this-is-what-will-happen-if-you-don't" person.
But please don't discount this post because of that. I'm not going to go into detail about the two King Baby episodes that have driven me absolutely to distraction this weekend. I'm only going to say that I'm beside myself with anger.
What's more, this is a guy who is going every week to a cognitive behavioral therapist--a clinical trial funded by a major university--and his therapist, a PhD candidate,... I don't know. I just get the feeling that this guy has never had an alcoholic relative.
His counseling goes like this: "Well, if you think you want to drink, how will you cope with that urge?" This is how my AH copes with the urge. He white knuckles it the day of his visit to the therapist and then he treats himself for good behavior on the way home by getting drunk. The therapist pats him on the back and says "progress, not perfection."
Anyway, I wanted to share the Psychology Today King Baby article I found, because it so clearly states my own role: he is my court jester! I work 60 hours a week, am introverted, and the typical "responsible one." He on the other hand is the Fun Guy. I've been hooked in for 40 years, but now my ONLY fun is conversations during movies we watch at home.
Here's the article..
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...-or-queen-baby
I have so many friends and supporters here and all of them have gotten the memo that when things get too crazy, you just leave. At my age, and with my tenure on this forum, I'm the token "this-is-what-will-happen-if-you-don't" person.
But please don't discount this post because of that. I'm not going to go into detail about the two King Baby episodes that have driven me absolutely to distraction this weekend. I'm only going to say that I'm beside myself with anger.
What's more, this is a guy who is going every week to a cognitive behavioral therapist--a clinical trial funded by a major university--and his therapist, a PhD candidate,... I don't know. I just get the feeling that this guy has never had an alcoholic relative.
His counseling goes like this: "Well, if you think you want to drink, how will you cope with that urge?" This is how my AH copes with the urge. He white knuckles it the day of his visit to the therapist and then he treats himself for good behavior on the way home by getting drunk. The therapist pats him on the back and says "progress, not perfection."
Anyway, I wanted to share the Psychology Today King Baby article I found, because it so clearly states my own role: he is my court jester! I work 60 hours a week, am introverted, and the typical "responsible one." He on the other hand is the Fun Guy. I've been hooked in for 40 years, but now my ONLY fun is conversations during movies we watch at home.
Here's the article..
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...-or-queen-baby
Even if they make all the right charming gestures, and say all the right words, when it comes down to it, Big Babies cannot be counted on to be there, financially, emotionally, or otherwise. They tend to be attracted to parental figures, not necessarily older, but definitely more responsible, who tend likewise to be overly responsible and are attracted to the clownish rascal, Big Baby. The overly responsible party (ORP) is attracted to the lightness and the fun, because God knows they need some fun in their lives. And the Big Baby is attracted to the responsible party because he needs someone to lean on."
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Dear Solo
I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. Watching movies together can be done in the middle of total strangers at the theatre.
One thing that I have found helpful personally, is to ask myself what is in it for me in the context of a relationship. In other words, I stayed because it was filling a personal need I had. Perhaps it would help you to ask yourself the same question?
We have two choices: either stay and complain or make changes.
I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. Watching movies together can be done in the middle of total strangers at the theatre.
One thing that I have found helpful personally, is to ask myself what is in it for me in the context of a relationship. In other words, I stayed because it was filling a personal need I had. Perhaps it would help you to ask yourself the same question?
We have two choices: either stay and complain or make changes.
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S,
I agree with Eauchiche......In my situation; after much support, time and guidance I finally got off the crazy train of 34 years. My life is a million times better without my addict in my life. Not saying that I don't miss the old man he was, but a million times better.
You can do it and don't have to put up with an active addict in your life. We all have options in our life, they are all possible. If you choose it, I am sure you have the power to make it work.
Im sorry that he won't stop his addictive behaviors, it just plain sucks. Sending hugs!!
I agree with Eauchiche......In my situation; after much support, time and guidance I finally got off the crazy train of 34 years. My life is a million times better without my addict in my life. Not saying that I don't miss the old man he was, but a million times better.
You can do it and don't have to put up with an active addict in your life. We all have options in our life, they are all possible. If you choose it, I am sure you have the power to make it work.
Im sorry that he won't stop his addictive behaviors, it just plain sucks. Sending hugs!!
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I work 60 hours a week, am introverted, and the typical "responsible one." He on the other hand is the Fun Guy. I've been hooked in for 40 years, but now my ONLY fun is conversations during movies we watch at home.
I am also wondering why you stay? You only have one short precious life so why waste it like this? You are never too old to be happy.
I am also wondering why you stay? You only have one short precious life so why waste it like this? You are never too old to be happy.
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Originally Posted by Eauchiche 
One thing that I have found helpful personally, is to ask myself what is in it for me in the context of a relationship. In other words, I stayed because it was filling a personal need I had. Perhaps it would help you to ask yourself the same question?
I'm. journaling to process this at this point. I've also just printed out (all 14 pages with my expensive printer ink
of keepingthefaith's thread on Toxic People. Tonight was another King Baby event. He got his first Social Security check, which I begged him to enroll in for the past year, and which he finally did a couple of weeks ago. He was angry that I wasn't as happy as he wanted me to be. Shoot. I'm happy! I can now let him pay for his smokes and booze himself! You don't think THAT makes me happy?
But because I didn't go crazy congratulating him on his massive contribution to the family coffers, he's all hangdog again. Sitting in his office, drowning his sorrows that he has such an ungrateful wife.
But enough complaining, because you are right. I can complain, but I can't seem to do the hard work of rectifying things.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Somewhere in the FOG.....
F--fear
O---obligation
G---guilt
These are the reasons that most people stay in relationships that no longer satisfy them or meet their needs....
F--fear
O---obligation
G---guilt
These are the reasons that most people stay in relationships that no longer satisfy them or meet their needs....
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don't forget the HOOK of BEING the ORP.
yes i am the glue that holds it all together. i can't rely upon HIM (her/them) so i will do it all. s/he simply cannot survive without me, therefore as long as i maintain my role as ORP, i will be depended upon, necessary, important, needed.
they give us our fix. n fact, we may find ways to keep them one down, dependent upon us. we may encourage their dependence, by never allowing them to BE independent.
yes i am the glue that holds it all together. i can't rely upon HIM (her/them) so i will do it all. s/he simply cannot survive without me, therefore as long as i maintain my role as ORP, i will be depended upon, necessary, important, needed.
they give us our fix. n fact, we may find ways to keep them one down, dependent upon us. we may encourage their dependence, by never allowing them to BE independent.
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This big baby article - so true.
I am also the overly responsible person, who broke free; these days I am practicing to accept more than I give, and it feels very nice.
XAH is still works minimally and complains about his life.
No longer my problem
Solo - I hope all turns out well for you - seems like you can handle life just fine - and he is the albatross around your neck. Letting was the scariest and saddest experience for me - but also very rewarding and freeing. There is still plenty of time to live a good life you deserve
I am also the overly responsible person, who broke free; these days I am practicing to accept more than I give, and it feels very nice.
XAH is still works minimally and complains about his life.
No longer my problem
Solo - I hope all turns out well for you - seems like you can handle life just fine - and he is the albatross around your neck. Letting was the scariest and saddest experience for me - but also very rewarding and freeing. There is still plenty of time to live a good life you deserve
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