jalacola

Lorelai recently posted about following the rules. I feel the same way. I have always done what is right. Now, why is my reward being married to an AH, and now an abusive one at that.

In the course of our 6 1/2 year marriage, there have been numerous warning signs. He has pushed me a couple of times, but moreso he has thrown things at me. It has always been when he was drinking.

Today was bad. This week was bad. I have completely physically detached myself from him. I have emotionally as well, to an extent. What I mean by that is that my feelings of love and compassion for him are almost completely gone. I still get angry at him about the drinking though. But I have come to the point where I don't want to kiss him, I don't want him to touch me, I don't want to hear the words "I love you" much less say them. I feel that I have been hurt so many times in the past by forgiving him and believing him everytime it was supposed to be the "last time" that I am not going to fall back into that. In the process, I have emotionally removed myself from this marriage. However, I never felt that what we had was unsalvageable. I still believed that he could redeem himself if he wanted to badly enough. Problem is, it was more than he was willing to do.

He drank Monday night, while babysitting our 5 year old. I am sure that he drank last night as well, though he wouldn't admit it, not that he needed to--I just knew. I had a horrible stomach virus yesterday, went to bed ill. He slept until 10 this morning!!!! HE IS 30 YEARS OLD!!!!! He gets mad at me b/c I put our baby in bed next to him so I could take a shower. All day we bickered at each other. We had plans to have dinner at one of his co-worker's house. I still wasn't feeling good and told him that we might have to cancel, which made him mad and he said that he was going with or without me. Whatever. At about 4:00, he decided to leave and wanted the debit card. I refused to give it to him, told him that he wasn't wasting anymore of what money we had on a hotel and booze. He got threatening. Went and got a hand ax and was threatening me with it (and this is without being drunk). Our 5 year old witnessed all of this and was begging him not to kill me. He pushed me, in front our son, and knocked me into our baker's rack in the kitchen and onto the floor. Let me just put this into perspective for you. I am 5'6", 150 lbs. and he is 6'2", 375 lbs. I got up and got him the debit card. He was still coming at me. I loaded the kids into the car and we left. He was crying b/c I (yes, me, b/c everything is ALWAYS my fault) have ruined his life and ruined him in the eyes of his son. Ummm...was I the one with the ax????? Anyway, he called about an hour ago and told me that it was doubtful I would ever see him again and that he just wanted me to tell the kids that they meant everything to him. I am afraid he is going to committ suicide. I know that there is nothing I can do to stop him. He took cash to pay for a hotel room so I couldn't find him, but I feel so helpless. I know this is not my fault. But what do I say to my kids if he actually does this? If he doesn't, we are getting a divorce. When I left, I was driving around and I ran into a cop at every corner, it seemed. In 10 minutes, I had to have passed 5 or 6. Was this a sign of some sort?? Please pray for us. We need all of God's angels looking down on us and touching us tonight. I won't be able to sleep, so if there is anyone who would like to chat, I think I will be in the chat room. Thank you.

abtchonamission

jalacola
Please read the following thread. It may not apply right now, but you never can tell...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ghlight=Abused

jojo

You have had a rough day. Please go to a police station or call the police and have them come to your house and file an abuse report - RIGHT NOW. If he behaved like that sober, think what could happen if he comes back drunk. Once they resort to physical abuse there is no turning back unless they get clean and sober and continue to work a program. You don't need this and your kids certainly don't. Please, please, protect yourself and your kids. You might also consider finding another place to stay tonight. As far as his suicide threat, usually repeated threats are meant to scare and upset you and try to make you feel guilty. There is nothing you can do about that except to report that to the police as well if you know where he can be found. They will do a check on him.

Do whatever if takes to keep you and your kids safe.

Hugs, Jo

osier59

I agree with Jo, except after you make your report to the police, I recommend that you and the kids go and stay somewhere else for a day or 2.

Please. take care of yourself and your children.

Barb

jalacola

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I didn't report it to the police. I am sure alot of you are not shocked, as some of you probably have a BTDT story similar to mine and didn't phone the police. He stayed somewhere else. I don't know where. I don't care. He called this morning and said that he was coming home to get some clothes. I simply said, "Okay." He apparently was expecting something more, as he told me that my tone of voice was quite different than the tone on the two messages I left last night. The messages were after he had threatened to commit suicide and then hung up and turned the phone off. I was crying and left two messages telling him that his children needed him and that he had them to live for. Well, so I guess he expected me to be so happy that he is alive and welcome him back with open arms. I am happy he is alive, but I am not welcoming him back. So then he called his sister and asked if he could stay with her for a while and she said yes. He came home and got his stuff, and just left. He was here for a little over an hour. We didn't say much. We didn't talk about it. I am a little sad, but a lot relieved. I am sad b/c what we had or what we could have had is over. No doubt he will say this had NOTHING to do with alcohol. He wasn't drunk when it happened. And you know what? In his mind, I bet it didn't have anything to do with alcohol. But in mine, it had EVERYTHING to do with it. Simply for the fact that I can't trust him, and that's what angers me. I am tired of the lies. Why can't he just stop??? Why can't he just see what he is losing??? We spent $2000 on rehab, for heaven's sake. FOR WHAT??? He told me yesterday that he is "sick" of me not trusting him!!??!?! WTF?? He hasn't done a single thing to deserve my trust. He has proved that his drive home from work is 45 minutes flat--even with traffic. So what in the h*ll am I supposed to think on days that it takes him an hour and a half to two hours to get home??? I am not stupid. Then again maybe I am. I have finally realized, though, that this is not about me. This is not about him. Now it is about our babies and I have to make sure that they are in a stable environment. I have allowed too much go on already. My hope is that he stay with his sister for 2 weeks and a lightbulb will go on and he will think "What in the F am I doing???" But my mind knows that won't happen. I just know that everything happens for a reason. I guess God knows something I don't know.

Cadence57

Abuse is a deal breaker. You really should file a police report - I don't know what BTDT is but I do know what abuse is and I do know that it's illegal as well as immoral.
As far as trust is concerned, the only think you CAN trust is your instinct.