Second guessing my decision to leave
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 3
Second guessing my decision to leave
Hi everyone. I've been lurking here for the past few months and thought it was time for me to post. I left my ex-boyfriend 6 months ago and I'm still struggling. Not because it wasn't the right thing to do for my sanity but because I keep thinking did I give up to easily.
My ex has a drinking problem, which he admits when drunk, but denies when sober. There were far too many nights where I'd lose sleep knowing that he was up and drinking on his own in the lounge. I'd started monitoring his drinking - looking for wine bottles in his bag, getting irritated when he was drinking. Christmas 2016 was horrendous - he drank 3 days straight and he behaved like a monster. The final straw was when I saw him stagger out of the house at 2am carrying 2 empty wine bottles to hide in the street somewhere. It was a constant 3-day cycle... Day 1 drunk, day 2 hungover, day 3 sober and repeat.
He self-medicates with alcohol to calm his mind. He admits to being depressed but refuses to seek help for it. I told him that if he wanted to seek help then I would support him, but he didn't want to try, so I left. I still love him but was I supposed to let my mental health be affected because of his addiction?
I also think I have a distorted relationship with alcohol anyway because my parents are habitual drinkers and have been for many, many years. I have learnt to detach myself from their drinking but I just couldn't do it with my ex.
My ex has a drinking problem, which he admits when drunk, but denies when sober. There were far too many nights where I'd lose sleep knowing that he was up and drinking on his own in the lounge. I'd started monitoring his drinking - looking for wine bottles in his bag, getting irritated when he was drinking. Christmas 2016 was horrendous - he drank 3 days straight and he behaved like a monster. The final straw was when I saw him stagger out of the house at 2am carrying 2 empty wine bottles to hide in the street somewhere. It was a constant 3-day cycle... Day 1 drunk, day 2 hungover, day 3 sober and repeat.
He self-medicates with alcohol to calm his mind. He admits to being depressed but refuses to seek help for it. I told him that if he wanted to seek help then I would support him, but he didn't want to try, so I left. I still love him but was I supposed to let my mental health be affected because of his addiction?
I also think I have a distorted relationship with alcohol anyway because my parents are habitual drinkers and have been for many, many years. I have learnt to detach myself from their drinking but I just couldn't do it with my ex.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Clariss....in the situation that you describe....going back wouldn't help....
Why would you think so? It didn't help things when you were actually there, did it?
Actually, it would be even worse...as. alcoholism is progressive...so it gets worse, over time...
6 months is not enough time to complete the mourning process over the loss of the relationship....It is normal to miss the person....but, in time, you should be past all that and move on to a better life...
Think of it as the
short-term pain for the long-term gain....
All the rules that apply in a normal relationship are out the window in addictions and abuse...
LOL...don't go looking for trouble...as, you will be the o ne who suffers the most for it.....
Why would you think so? It didn't help things when you were actually there, did it?
Actually, it would be even worse...as. alcoholism is progressive...so it gets worse, over time...
6 months is not enough time to complete the mourning process over the loss of the relationship....It is normal to miss the person....but, in time, you should be past all that and move on to a better life...
Think of it as the
short-term pain for the long-term gain....
All the rules that apply in a normal relationship are out the window in addictions and abuse...
LOL...don't go looking for trouble...as, you will be the o ne who suffers the most for it.....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Clariss.
Welcome.
I don’t think you gave up too easily.
If anything, I think you had the moment of clarity about your ex that so many posters to this site wish they had had early on.
People give up years of their lives staying with an addict.
Chance after chance, rehab after rehab, broken promises, mean and unkind words going back and forth.
Money lost, finances wrecked.
Life with an addict is the hardest road ever.
Good for you for doing this brave thing.
Please don’t waste another minute thinking about what might have been, and think about what it really was.
You are well out of it.
Peace.
Welcome.
I don’t think you gave up too easily.
If anything, I think you had the moment of clarity about your ex that so many posters to this site wish they had had early on.
People give up years of their lives staying with an addict.
Chance after chance, rehab after rehab, broken promises, mean and unkind words going back and forth.
Money lost, finances wrecked.
Life with an addict is the hardest road ever.
Good for you for doing this brave thing.
Please don’t waste another minute thinking about what might have been, and think about what it really was.
You are well out of it.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 89
I’ve been second guessing myself as well lately. But then I catch AW sneaking drinks again, and I remember the promises of “no more” that I’ve heard a thousand times. I remember the things she said to me in front of our son that no kid should ever hear from a parent.
Don’t let your better nature lure you back into a place you don’t need to be.
Don’t let your better nature lure you back into a place you don’t need to be.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Clariss, there are a lot of similarities between abusive relationships and relationships where there is addiction. I think you did the right thing by leaving, because you need to look after your health. In a normal, healthy relationship, both parties are responsible for their own health so that they can engage in the work of love. Right now you are doing all the work. The alcoholic's only work should be the work on themselves, and as such, they don't have time to work on the relationship. Unfortunately your ex partner does not want to stop and thinks that substance abuse is "medication". Alcohol is a depressant. It will maker the user more depressed over the long term. So I think whatever your ex is saying is bullcr*p. Whatever. It's his funeral. He's the only one who can stop. No one else can make him stop. He wants to keep drinking. So alcohol is number 1, your ex is number two (got to keep himself alive so he can keep abusing himself), and you are a distant number 3... unless there are number 3s that have anything to do with drinking, then you're number 100, maybe.
The drinking cycle, day 1 drunk, day 2 hungover, day 3 sober and contrite... is very much like the cycle of intermittent reward and abuse in abusive relationships. First the abuser acts like a victim, feels sorry for themselves (and they may even have a legitimate reason, like depression or PTSD or chronic pain... etc), then they "self-medicate" so they don't have to deal with their negative feelings or how much they hate themselves, then they act like complete jerks, they become hung over, they shout at you, keep you up at night, break things, steal money, whatever... make you wander around looking for their passed-out body when you have better things to do in life, then they become sober and are contrite (maybe). And this is the time when things calm down and in contrast to the hell that is a drunk or hung-over alcoholic, this time seems like heaven (just because of the contrast). So you get addicted to the period of calm that occurs right before he drinks again.
The reason why you are doubting yourself, is because his cycle made you addicted to the calm feeling that happens right before he drinks again -- it's a logical adjustment your body made in response to the stress. But you're really on edge the whole time, because you're not sure when the next drama will happen. It's like a roller coaster. You're rushing down quickly, your stress hormones are firing, then it slows down again and your body starts to feel less stressed. There is a reason why people love roller coasters. I was not one of them. I hated feeling like I was going down fast. I hate stress. My ex, who is an addict, loved roller coasters. He took me along for the ride. It started making me physically sick (literally).
Don't feel bad that you miss him. I also doubt myself. You just have to let the moments pass and know that you did the right thing. You DID do the right thing. If your ex wants help, he will get help. It takes a long, long time to work through recovery. Not only does he need to stop drinking, he needs to deal with his behavior and his choices. That can take years of unpacking. What do you do? Well... ain't nobody got time for that.
The drinking cycle, day 1 drunk, day 2 hungover, day 3 sober and contrite... is very much like the cycle of intermittent reward and abuse in abusive relationships. First the abuser acts like a victim, feels sorry for themselves (and they may even have a legitimate reason, like depression or PTSD or chronic pain... etc), then they "self-medicate" so they don't have to deal with their negative feelings or how much they hate themselves, then they act like complete jerks, they become hung over, they shout at you, keep you up at night, break things, steal money, whatever... make you wander around looking for their passed-out body when you have better things to do in life, then they become sober and are contrite (maybe). And this is the time when things calm down and in contrast to the hell that is a drunk or hung-over alcoholic, this time seems like heaven (just because of the contrast). So you get addicted to the period of calm that occurs right before he drinks again.
The reason why you are doubting yourself, is because his cycle made you addicted to the calm feeling that happens right before he drinks again -- it's a logical adjustment your body made in response to the stress. But you're really on edge the whole time, because you're not sure when the next drama will happen. It's like a roller coaster. You're rushing down quickly, your stress hormones are firing, then it slows down again and your body starts to feel less stressed. There is a reason why people love roller coasters. I was not one of them. I hated feeling like I was going down fast. I hate stress. My ex, who is an addict, loved roller coasters. He took me along for the ride. It started making me physically sick (literally).
Don't feel bad that you miss him. I also doubt myself. You just have to let the moments pass and know that you did the right thing. You DID do the right thing. If your ex wants help, he will get help. It takes a long, long time to work through recovery. Not only does he need to stop drinking, he needs to deal with his behavior and his choices. That can take years of unpacking. What do you do? Well... ain't nobody got time for that.
Originally Posted by Clariss 
Hi everyone. I've been lurking here for the past few months and thought it was time for me to post. I left my ex-boyfriend 6 months ago and I'm still struggling. Not because it wasn't the right thing to do for my sanity but because I keep thinking did I give up to easily.
My ex has a drinking problem, which he admits when drunk, but denies when sober. There were far too many nights where I'd lose sleep knowing that he was up and drinking on his own in the lounge. I'd started monitoring his drinking - looking for wine bottles in his bag, getting irritated when he was drinking. Christmas 2016 was horrendous - he drank 3 days straight and he behaved like a monster. The final straw was when I saw him stagger out of the house at 2am carrying 2 empty wine bottles to hide in the street somewhere. It was a constant 3-day cycle... Day 1 drunk, day 2 hungover, day 3 sober and repeat.
He self-medicates with alcohol to calm his mind. He admits to being depressed but refuses to seek help for it. I told him that if he wanted to seek help then I would support him, but he didn't want to try, so I left. I still love him but was I supposed to let my mental health be affected because of his addiction?
I also think I have a distorted relationship with alcohol anyway because my parents are habitual drinkers and have been for many, many years. I have learnt to detach myself from their drinking but I just couldn't do it with my ex.
My ex has a drinking problem, which he admits when drunk, but denies when sober. There were far too many nights where I'd lose sleep knowing that he was up and drinking on his own in the lounge. I'd started monitoring his drinking - looking for wine bottles in his bag, getting irritated when he was drinking. Christmas 2016 was horrendous - he drank 3 days straight and he behaved like a monster. The final straw was when I saw him stagger out of the house at 2am carrying 2 empty wine bottles to hide in the street somewhere. It was a constant 3-day cycle... Day 1 drunk, day 2 hungover, day 3 sober and repeat.
He self-medicates with alcohol to calm his mind. He admits to being depressed but refuses to seek help for it. I told him that if he wanted to seek help then I would support him, but he didn't want to try, so I left. I still love him but was I supposed to let my mental health be affected because of his addiction?
I also think I have a distorted relationship with alcohol anyway because my parents are habitual drinkers and have been for many, many years. I have learnt to detach myself from their drinking but I just couldn't do it with my ex.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Clariss, and Welcome!
You have received a lot of great insight here already. I suppose I wanted to answer this question.
No. You aren't supposed to do anything of the sort.
You have let him know of your concern. You have asked that he stop drinking. He responded by attempting to hide his drinking and *not* stopping and started to behave "like a monster" while on a binge. That, alone, is behavior you should steer clear from! You have also admitted to losing sleep and becoming irritable trying to monitor his drinking.
Being with someone else should bring out the best in us...and that was not happening. He can never be his best self as long as he is drinking, and you couldn't be your best self trying to make yourself conform to or control his drinking life.
It sounds as though you, like myself, like many of us, hold yourself to a standard that you do not apply to any one else. In other words, you were supposed to be able to fix him...you should have been able to do that...why couldn't you do that? Well, I have learned that no one except the alcoholic can ultimately "fix" themselves. You don't have to sacrifice your life on the altar of someone else's addiction.
It is, as Dandylion said, early days yet following the break-up. Please give yourself some time. I hope that today dawns just a bit brighter for you! You and your ex will be in my prayers.
You have received a lot of great insight here already. I suppose I wanted to answer this question.
Originally Posted by Clariss
I still love him but was I supposed to let my mental health be affected because of his addiction?
You have let him know of your concern. You have asked that he stop drinking. He responded by attempting to hide his drinking and *not* stopping and started to behave "like a monster" while on a binge. That, alone, is behavior you should steer clear from! You have also admitted to losing sleep and becoming irritable trying to monitor his drinking.
Being with someone else should bring out the best in us...and that was not happening. He can never be his best self as long as he is drinking, and you couldn't be your best self trying to make yourself conform to or control his drinking life.
It sounds as though you, like myself, like many of us, hold yourself to a standard that you do not apply to any one else. In other words, you were supposed to be able to fix him...you should have been able to do that...why couldn't you do that? Well, I have learned that no one except the alcoholic can ultimately "fix" themselves. You don't have to sacrifice your life on the altar of someone else's addiction.
It is, as Dandylion said, early days yet following the break-up. Please give yourself some time. I hope that today dawns just a bit brighter for you! You and your ex will be in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
It doesn't sound like you gave up too early. I think I gave up on my freedom too early. Even if he would stop drinking which your A has not, I echo the thoughts that the personality that goes with an A doesn't just stop. It's been 7 monthes without a program and he is not working on those issues. It is very hard to live with a dry drunk. There is another life out there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 3
Thank you for your words. You confirm what I rationally know. I think I just felt guilty because I left him without telling him the real reason. I initially told him it was because of lifestyle differences because I wasn't ready to confront the issue. However, I told a him a few months ago that it is was because of his drinking. He said he was ashamed and sorry.
We were in that in-between territory or 'will we get back together or not'. He's since told me that he is now seeing someone 10 years younger and that it's perfect because she too is depressed and it's the first time he has ever met anyone who thinks the same as him. I think that was a kick in my gut. He didn't do it maliciously but it hurt! I should have kept no contact when we split up but I have now initiated no contact and it has been 3 weeks.
I am moving away and have a great job to go to and plan to buy my own house, so I will focus on that. The real kicker is that he has the ability to be a lovely person always but until he fights his demons he is no good for me or anyone else.
We were in that in-between territory or 'will we get back together or not'. He's since told me that he is now seeing someone 10 years younger and that it's perfect because she too is depressed and it's the first time he has ever met anyone who thinks the same as him. I think that was a kick in my gut. He didn't do it maliciously but it hurt! I should have kept no contact when we split up but I have now initiated no contact and it has been 3 weeks.
I am moving away and have a great job to go to and plan to buy my own house, so I will focus on that. The real kicker is that he has the ability to be a lovely person always but until he fights his demons he is no good for me or anyone else.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
"she too is depressed and it's the first time he has ever met anyone who thinks the same as him."
My ex said this about me. We both have shared childhood traumas. I was "perfect for him". There can only be 2 scenarios here: 1) she doesn't drink/drug and he's using her for her ability to be the codependent in the relationship... basically he's using her; 2) she does drink/drug and he's using her because they can both be drinking/drugging buddies, so in this case their first love is the substance they are using, the relationship is just convenient.
I'm glad you have a plan, to move away.
I wish I had given up much, much earlier. I don't think anyone can give up too early, when it comes to being in a relationship with an addict. Those who have children, siblings or parents who are addicts have it harder. It's harder to "give up" on family, even when so-called family gives up on you and themselves by drinking/drugging.
My ex said this about me. We both have shared childhood traumas. I was "perfect for him". There can only be 2 scenarios here: 1) she doesn't drink/drug and he's using her for her ability to be the codependent in the relationship... basically he's using her; 2) she does drink/drug and he's using her because they can both be drinking/drugging buddies, so in this case their first love is the substance they are using, the relationship is just convenient.
I'm glad you have a plan, to move away.
I wish I had given up much, much earlier. I don't think anyone can give up too early, when it comes to being in a relationship with an addict. Those who have children, siblings or parents who are addicts have it harder. It's harder to "give up" on family, even when so-called family gives up on you and themselves by drinking/drugging.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
The real kicker is that he has the ability to be a lovely person always but
but....we often get hung up and start having a relationship WITH someone's potential, not someone's REALITY. potential is in many ways a myth........you might believe i have the potential to fly.......however i'm fairly convinced i cannot. i may spend the next three years trying to teach a pig to sing, and the pig meanwhile wonders what all the fuss is about.
however, if i start believing in my OWN potential, my own talents and skills, then i can probably accomplish just about anything i set my mind to, as long as it does not involve another person acting or behaving in a certain to achieve that outcome.
but....we often get hung up and start having a relationship WITH someone's potential, not someone's REALITY. potential is in many ways a myth........you might believe i have the potential to fly.......however i'm fairly convinced i cannot. i may spend the next three years trying to teach a pig to sing, and the pig meanwhile wonders what all the fuss is about.
however, if i start believing in my OWN potential, my own talents and skills, then i can probably accomplish just about anything i set my mind to, as long as it does not involve another person acting or behaving in a certain to achieve that outcome.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
C,
You are a wise women. I wish that I had your smarts when I was younger.
You saved yourself years and years of mental anguish by leaving your addict. What you lived is not normal and shouldn't be portrayed as being the norm. Keep the no contact, he has the "perfect" enabler to take care of him now. I hate to say that most addicts find someone very soon after a break up, as it helps them continue with their addictions.
God has blessed you by giving you strength to walk away. Follow that path and dont look behind you. Hugs
You are a wise women. I wish that I had your smarts when I was younger.
You saved yourself years and years of mental anguish by leaving your addict. What you lived is not normal and shouldn't be portrayed as being the norm. Keep the no contact, he has the "perfect" enabler to take care of him now. I hate to say that most addicts find someone very soon after a break up, as it helps them continue with their addictions.
God has blessed you by giving you strength to walk away. Follow that path and dont look behind you. Hugs
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