Sasha1972

A question for others:

What do you do to cope with envy? I find that one of my flaws is falling prey to envy of other people who seem to have perfect lives ("perfect", in this case, means "no evidence of addiction in their lives"). I know intellectually that I shouldn't compare, that I should count my own blessings, etc, but for some reason there's this emotional punch that makes me want to whine "it's not faaaaiiiir! How come these other people get to have everything happening their way while I'm stuck dealing with the havoc created for me and my daughter by a mentally ill angry alcoholic?!! Why don't I get breaks/good stuff/rewards??".

This happened just a few minutes ago when a colleague mentioned that he and his new-ish girlfriend were going off for a week's vacation in Nice Place. I like this colleague. I like his girlfriend. I am happy for both of them. But instead of thinking "that's great, spending a week in Nice Place sounds like fun", the first reaction that comes to me is "I can't even afford to take a vacation because I have to keep money aside for legal fees! And instead of a fun new girlfriend/boyfriend, I have a very loyal and loving but in some ways really not-getting-it partner who is patient with the tension that my addict ex has brought into our relationship, but who has trouble understanding why I can't just relax and have fun.

I know this is pure self-pity. I know the universe does not owe me a puppy. I know that the hard work I am doing of untangling 25 years of close association with an active alcoholic and of raising my wonderful but challenging Kid on my own have their own rewards. I know that I am making my own happiness.

I also know that I have food, shelter, friends, faith, good health and enough money to live on, which not everyone can take for granted. But I still get whacked by these gut feelings of poor-me, why can't I have all the fun and good things that other people seem to have.

How do others cope with envy of "normal" people whose lives seem to be less insane than ours?

AlcSis

Sasha, sometimes I too can feel a tinge of envy;

When this happens, I do a couple of things;

1). I think of all the things in my life that I am GRATEFUL for. (They are not ALL tangible, but I have SO MUCH to be grateful for.)

2). ALSO, sometimes I tell myself that whatever may "appear" to be perfect -
probably isn't as "perfect" and wonderful as it seems. (Or what my imagination conjures up). :-)

On the other hand, there are a few people in my life who really DO (seem) to have much "more perfect lives" than me, (easier lives, better health, more "functional" families, etc.).

I am truly happy for them, because I prefer to see goodness in others' lives rather than a life of struggles.

And...their healthier, more successful lives gives me hope - for own my family, (and generations to come), and myself.

You are going to be okay!

(By the way, I raised two "challenged" children. One struggles with A, but still, I am okay).

Hugs!! Hang in there!!!

Missmac35

Excellent question. I too have these feeling frequently. I feel them, acknowledge that it means I must change something and let it pass. I often feel envious of easy looking relationships like the one you spoke of. For example I wish that my ex addict fiance was the version of himself when he is straight 100% of the time and all the wonderful things we could do and achieve and how he would be my soul mate. However of course he is an addict and the straight version of him is only fleeing now. But I do feel envy at couples who have found this without the addiction. I deal with it by seeing it's the price I paid for the internal mess that drew me to the addict in the first place and the relationships I envy would probably not be one I could have anyway until I have sorted my deep rooted issues out. I one day hope I am truly able to.

AnvilheadII

I know the universe does not owe me a puppy.

maybe not but the Universe will put all the things we might need in our lives so that we can get our own puppy.

i hear ya - i have one friend who in the course of her marriage has been freakin' everywhere around the globe. she found the normalest, most devoted, has a real job and makes a TON of $$ guy.....she told me she can count the number of fights they've ever had on one hand and not use all fingers. she wanted horses, she got horses. she wanted to show chows, she got chows. she wanted to live on a farm/ranch, they got a farm/ranch. she wanted to raise alpacas and chickens, got those too.

of course, now that she's dying of cancer, i wouldn't want to take even one day of one her trips away from her. or one chicken. in fact, i wish her MORE stuff.....more days, more love, more memories. after spending a few days "down on the farm" i realized i have no desire to raise chickens, or risk getting spat on by alpacas, or muck out stalls, o any of that stuff. it just LOOKS appealing from my car as i drive in......

totfit

If you were able to live in the shoes for a while of anyone at all, but especially anyone you envy, you would find we all have struggles. With my particular struggles which brought me to pretty deep depths, I gained strengths that many of the folks I might envy will not gain. I think we should focus on our unique journey and try and be grateful that we are the part of the Universe that allows it to view itself.

Sodevastated

I'm pondering upon this question frequently. I feel that it's unfair that I'm as unhappy as I am, that I'm a good person and that I deserve better. I deserve to have a husband who cares about me and my son deserves a father but I /we have none of that. But I also know that the dysfunction from my childhood lead me to where I am today, and if I wasn't as dysfunctional as I am I wouldn't have chosen an addict for a partner. I also understand that if I was healthy I would choose healthy, but I'm not and if I hadn't chosen my addict I would probably have ended up with another unhealthy partner. I'm " programmed" that way and I need to work on becoming healthy. Meeting my addict and experiencing the tragic story with him ending up dead and me realizing I have DEEP co-dependency issues made me hit my rock bottom. I've realized I cannot longer pretend I don't have a problem. I need to work on my codependancy to be able to have healthy relationships with people- friends, family etc. It doesn't make me happier or less envious understanding this, but it does help me realize why I don't have that happy relationship and life, and that I have a lot of work to do in changing me.

keepingclarity

There are so many people that thought I had a perfect partner with my AXBF; we traveled, had similar interests, always were bubbly and outgoing. But no one knew what that life was like behind closed doors.

We posted a happy, smiling picture at a friend's dinner party, but I didn't post the photo of my swollen eyes and tear-stained face when he disappeared for two nights after that, because he couldn't stop drinking.

I remind myself that the picture people share with us is what they want us to know. I've known families that wouldn't fight in front of their children - you know what happened? Those children grew up with a crippling inability to have arguments or discuss tough topics.

It's not all roses - when I get envious, I remind myself of the picture of my life I share with most people, and I know it's such a small fraction of how things really are.

NYCDoglvr

In early recovery my sponsor said: "compare yourself to yourself", not other people. Otherwise you're comparing others' outsides to your insides.

Sasha1972

I know that many people who look like they have everything together are struggling in ways that are not obvious on the surface (for years, I was part of "the perfect couple" with an adorable child - nobody knew about the craziness that was happening at home). I also know that my attacks of envy say more about me than about the people with great lives around me.

Someone told me once that we don't have a choice about undergoing painful things, but we do have the choice between meaningless pain and pain from which we learn. I'm trying to opt for the latter.

OpheliaKatz

In my relationship with my exA I often felt this. I would look at other people's lives and really wonder why mine was so terrible. All I can say now is that life is not static. When I look back, right before the addiction really took hold, and when my exA was still functioning and I was (more or less) unaware of his (the extent of his) problem, we seemed to have the perfect life to people who didn't know us. We lived in a beautiful place, we had enviable careers, we looked cute in photographs when we sent Christmas cards. I could count the fights we had on one hand. I found in him, the best, easiest travel partner. None of that lasted though. He changed completely. The addiction changed him. So all I can say is, you don't know what life is going to bring you. You don't know what life is going to bring other people. But it is true, some of this stuff seems so random and unfair.

FeelingGreat

Hey Sasha, I totally understand how you feel, but also can tell you're smart enough to acknowledge it and not wallow.

I just wanted to say that life goes in cycles and although you're going though a challenging period now that doesn't mean it's going to last forever. You have years ahead of you, and in the meanwhile you're laying down the basis for getting the best you can for you and DD, given the circumstances.

dandylion

Sasha....also, remember that we can make an awful lot of false assumptions by comparing our insides to someone else's outsides.......
It has helped me to remember that.......

hopeful4

This for sure....

Also, being more aware of what is going on around us. We are blessed to have what I will call first world problems. It's frustrating, however, if you pour yourself into making your own quality of life the best it can be, that's all you can do. Big hugs!

FireSprite

This is a basic principle in Buddhism, to my understanding at least. Essentially, it goes: "pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.... suffering either instructs or it inhibits".

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (Buddhism and recovery.)

I still struggle with jealousy/envy the most out of all the "isms" related to recovery, 6+ yrs into this process. The thing I've been noticing about it (for me) is that it only has room to live if I'm already in negative head-space. When I'm observing life through appreciation, when I'm focused on gratitude or productivity I'm only ever comparing myself to My Self.... but when I get caught up in anger, loneliness, yesterday - it opens the Pandora's Box of negative emotions to come out & play.

Developing a practice of daily meditation has helped me tremendously.

Sasha1972

Thanks FireSprite - "pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.... suffering either instructs or it inhibits", that is definitely an idea to keep close to my consciousness when I'm going through internal whininess about why does this crap have to happen to ME?

I also know that other people's outsides don't tell you much about their insides - but it's amazing how that knowledge can co-exist with a whack of resentment and "why can't it be ME who has that great house, perfect relationship, super-well-behaved kids, lots of money for vacations and fun?". I need to tell the resenting part of myself to refocus on what I have accomplished and whatI am doing, not on fantasies about how great other people have it.

Envy-wise, I am definitely a work in progress.

Clover71

I feel this way from time to time. For the most part, I know the people who truly have that "perfect" (I use that term loosely) relationship and those who want to appear as though they do. What it has helped show me is what is important to me that I've wanted and didn't realize, for a long time, that I was missing. I call these catalysts, and I've had a few within the past couple of years.

tomsteve

How do others cope with envy of "normal" people whose lives seem to be less insane than ours?

look at why. then change me.
im quite comfortable with me-today. ok with where i live, how i live, and why i live. ok with being single( actually, i seriously like it) and free to go where i want, do what i want, when i want .
and can leave the toilet seat up even!
of i chose to do so.
not only that, normal people scare the beejeebers out of me-dont wanna be like them!
theyre only LESS insane- i want NO insane!

Hangnbyathread

I'm not sure you need to call it envy. Envy is something you can't have that you'd like to have.

You are just temporarily buried in a mess that is at present, your life. You will get it behind you and you will obtain life on your terms again.

Things always look darkest when you are the one in it. This will pass and you will be the one that people wish they could be.

Just gotta grind through this chyt in front of you now.

teatreeoil007

There are people who seem "perfect". But most of us don't know what kinds of things they truly battle inside their hearts, heads, and homes. Don't get me wrong...I got nothin' against the Barbies and Kens of this world....but I don't assume things are perfect just because they appear to be. I've battled being a perfectionist most all my life and I've had to figure why I'm so driven that way. It's been very soul searching. I've had to learn to let go in some respects and focus on the most important things in life and try not to get too hung up by being a perfectionist and also try not to be too envious of others. Envy does seem to be part of being human. So, if someone has something I admire...rather than envy them for it...maybe I need to learn from them instead.

Maudcat

Someone said something to me once that I have never forgotten.
We were talking about an ex of mine who had treated me kinda shabbily, then gone on to marry, have a child, live the perfect life.
My friend said, “Do you think he will never see another bad day?”
We all struggle from time to time.
And most of us get better in time.
No one has the perfect life., though it may seem like rainbows and unicorns to us.
I am grateful for this day.