Kgrr

I have been reading all the posts for weeks now, trying to find people with similar or same situations. I keep reading about women who are considering leaving, have small children, but no mention of what happens after they leave. I can't bear the thought of my children at home alone with my Husband for a weekend visitation. If he is drinking all night, he won't hear them if they get up sick or if there is some emergency in the night. Or God forbid a house fire. He would sleep through all of this. So what about the Children? Do any of you have plans for this?

Gabe

I don't know your circumstances, but here is what I did.
My ex's roommate and his mother both care very much for my boy.
If they had any indication that my ex was drinking, I got a phone call.
That prevented my son from spending time with Dad when he was drunk.
My ex got so bad at one point, that I cut visitation off completely.
You might want to look into supervised visitation.
If you can't count on a sober, responsible visit for your children with their Dad, that is the only way you will know that they are safe when they are with him.
This is hard stuff to consider.
Take it one step at a time and be easy with yourself.

Cadence57

You CAN get supervised visitation but you must have your ducks in a row when you go to court to ask for it. You MUST provide PROOF that supervised visitation is necessary. This can be police records, court ordered psych evaluation, etc.

The only thing is, you have to be prepared for the courts to rule against supervised visits - in which case, it'd be best to have a back up plan - ideally one that your husband will sign an agreement to.

Good luck to you
Marti

jalacola

If I leave, it will definitely be due to the continued drinking. I will file for legal separation and request supervised visitation ONLY. For the past few years, I have been doing a LOT of journaling. Not formally, but just writing down things as they happen. It's mostly been for therapeutic reasons, but I have kept everything in the event I ever needed them. I have told AH about them in fits of anger, but have never shown them to him so he probably doesn't believe I have them. I have told one friend where I hide them, in the event that something happens to me so she can get them and ensure that my kids are taken care of. Also, my husband's family has all witnessed his drinking and poor decision making. They have all agreed that they would be for supervised visits with him as well and they would say so on record.

Peaches04

Yes, this is a question that weighs heavily on my mind. I have learned that you can make a declaration in your divorce decree that stipulates your AH can only have visitation provided he is not drinking when he is with the children or suffering any affects from drinking (like still being drunk the night before), or doing any drugs. My kids would be able to tell me if he was drinking, and I think you can even require drug tests possibly - it depends on what you stipulate in the divorce decree. But, I completely understand your concern, and have thought that threw a million times...it almost makes you want to stay just for the pure sickenss of the thought of them being with them. I guess in a way I am lucky? (not the right word...but) my AH doesn't drink and drive with the children - he does not get fall down, crazy drunk - but, too drunk for my level of comfort to be completely alone with my children for any extended period of time (or used to, he's quit drinking for now). So, I empathize with your fear and frustration... I would definately take Jalacola's advise and begin documenting EVERYTHING...even a journal would be a step in the right direction. Also, I have friends that I know would testify (even his friends) if it ever came right down to the wire and my kids being in jeapordy.

justired

This is a really tough issue. I have experience with this situation. I have two kids with my first AH and when I left they were 3 and 4. Where I live, the court system sucks when it comes to these situations. It really pushes joint custody and parenting time which is what I ended up with the first time. I think the only way ex-AH would have not been able to have the kids so much is if he had been caught driving drunk with them or something similar, but this was not the case. He drank all the time when he had the kids. Even the lawyers I consulted with told me that it was really hard to prove. I called the police when I knew he was drunk and driving with the kids and they did nothing. Fortunately, many times when he was loaded at one of the kids' functions (school, parties, sports) I insisted he let me drive them home and most of the time, he let me. It got even worse when he remarried, had two more kids and he and the new wife hit each other in front of my kids (and theirs). I even called child protective services and they did an initial investigation and said they found no problems (case closed). My kids were so scared of him they would not say anything to the investigator. Anyway, things did turn out okay because (when he was dragging bottom-no job and nowhere to live), I finally convinced him to sign custody over to me. I now have a court order for sole custody. He has every other weekend visitation, but hardly uses it. He did try to get the order changed back to joint custody, but the judge would not approve it. I know my kids went through hell and so did I. But, I do not regret leaving him for a second. I believe things would have been even worse had I stayed. I was really sick. Unbelievably (well, not really), I repeated the same thing and married another alkie and had more kids (my current situation). But, the difference is I now recognize what has happened and am getting help for myself. Also, both of these kids (now 12 and 14) are well adjusted, do well in school, and are involved in other activities such as sports and church.

Anyway, this is my experience. I guess I've lived both sides of the decision. My current AH has admitted he has a problem and has made a great effort at recovery over the last few months and I am getting better, too. My last one never got into recovery and still drinks. For now, I'm staying where I am at and taking one day at a time. But if I ever do leave, I will spend my last dollar (and most likely lots from my family) to get the best lawyer I can and fight to the end for sole custody and limited visitation.

To me, these situations stink and either way we go it can be tough. When the kids and I were going through this, I felt like I might have made the wrong decision by leaving, but the way things have turned out, I did just what I was supposed to at the time. I know for me, I pray a whole lot and ask for my HP to give me guidance. And sometimes when I get really overwhelmed with it all, I turn it over to my HP and things always seem to work out just how they are supposed to. Don't forget to take care of you during this difficult time!

justired

JessicaNAJ

There is NO WAY I will settle for joint custody - if it came to me and my AH getting a divorce. As it is now, we are seperated. If I even suspect he is, has, will be drinking, I won't let him take the kids and he knows that because I've stopped him before.

I used to get so mad last winter when he was watching my 2 year old. I'd come home from work, he'd be passed out and she was laying right next to him asleep. Now what if she would have woke up and hurt herself or something, he wouldn't have heard her.

I've already told my 8 year old that if Daddy is drinking and wants them to get in the car somewhere, he needs to tell him no and call me. I know my son will try his hardest to do that too. Yes, I also know my AH can be forceful when he wants. My son also has his own cell phone and knows how to text message so if it came down too it and he had to go with him, my son can send me a text. (Kinda like practicing a fire drill.)

Gracey

I have thought tremendously about my children and how it would affect them......and i say........what really could be worse......then what my children are going through now.....seriously.....

I will fight for my home.......and the main reason for that is so I dont have to change my kids life that way.......to where they can still have the familiarity with there home and provide security that they will always be taken care of no matter what......so they can stay in the same schools.....and have the same friends.......and participate in the same activities.......

I want them to be kids for as long as they can be......I dont want them to grow up to soon.......and I think providing them with stability and letting them know they will always be taken care of will help......