Timetoheal12

My therapist suggested that my ex abf "became" emotionally abusive towards me only because he lost interest in me.

This made me uncomfortable. I remember losing interest once in a relationship and instead of abusing the guy in question, I was upfront about it and broke up with him.

I have read a lot about emotional abuse and it never said anything about loosing interest being a reason why the phenomenom happens. Abusers are abusers, isn't it true?

This statement made me feel as if there was something wrong with me, so he decided to stop treating me with respect and instead abuse me at will because, well, I had him so bored that he had to do this to me.

I don't know if I should keep going to this therapist or not. Thoughts?

Upsidedown23

In my opinion there are infinite different reasons a person can be emotionally abusive and they are rarely, if ever, a problem on the part of the abused party.

I'm obviously no expert but I'm very surprised that a therapist would say that to you. I would expect them to say the exact opposite.

dandylion

Timetoheal.....to my understanding, abusers are abusers because they feel that they are entitled to, from baseline.....
I think that they might be o n good behavior in the beginning of a relationship, but, their true colors will show, eventually....
I don't understand why that therapist said that....

Please don't think that you did anything to cause h is behavior. His behavior came from him...not you....

Timetoheal12

It honestly triggered me a bit. As a therapist myself, I can't imagine telling such a thing to a victim of any type of abuse. It seems a bit of "victim blaming". Even if my therapist said this with her best intentions it made me very uncomfortable, but I wanted to share it with you to see if maybe I was overreacting.

She also said that he did love me with the best of his ability. So the whole thing makes no sense.

Nola0250

Either you misunderstood this therapist, or the therapist has their head somewhere very very dark and smelly.

That is ridiculous. No one deserves abuse. And one theme I've seen over and over again on this site and in my own life, is that those of us in relationships with addicts are unbelievably hard on ourselves. We are way too kind to those in are lives who are not deserving, and not nearly kind enough to ourselves. This is a hard lesson I'm trying to learn for myself.

Ariesagain

You are not responsible for his emotions. You are CERTAINLY not responsible for how he handles HIS emotions.

Your therapist sounds naive, at best.

Your instincts are excellent and you should trust yourself more. You’ve made more intelligent but terribly hard decisions in the past few months than most people can manage in a decade.

Sending you a hug.

hopeful4

No, that is just not true.

I too have lost interest in a person, in no way did it ever make me emotionally abuse them.

I would have a discussion about this with the therapist as it's possible you misunderstood, or the therapist misunderstood. That being said, if it's not cleared up pronto, I would find a new therapist.

No one deserves any sort of abuse. Hugs.

Mango blast

I'm sorry you've been in an emotionally abusive relationship. There is NO excuse for any kind of abuse. Abusers find victims/targets because they enjoy it.... they feel like they're "in control".... they feel "better than". The interest in their target isn't love, it's about the control.

Sometimes love can be entwined with emotional abuse and trauma bonding. They are complex issues.

My Alanon sponsor showed me how to have compassion for alcoholics, without excusing or negating the abuse. Mostly she kept me focused on myself, discovering what's in my control, what's not... and how to move forward without shame.

The counselors I've found at domestic violence help centers and alcoholism recovery centers have kept the focus on my healing and me being able to see the abuse more clearly.

Pray, meditate, go with your gut. Maybe it's an opportunity to step up in a different way in talking with your therapist. Maybe it's a sign to move on. Trust your own instincts. There is no wrong path, only different ways to heal.

FireSprite

I'd challenge her too, at he very least I'd ask for more explanation of what she means in case there was a serious miscommunication.

Personally, the idea that someone turns to abuse as a result of boredom is absurd. That would also imply that they could just as easily stop being an abuser when their interest was piqued, like the flip of a switch. I'm not buying that.

hearthealth

It sounds as though the therapist does not understand emotional abuse.

Timetoheal12

I did tell her about me being uncomfortable with the idea of having been abused because he was no longer interested in me. (He was very different/good to me in the beggining of the relationship).

She said that people only abuse those they can't love, so as soon as he stopped loving me, he started to be abusive. She said that maybe he lost interest and started to invest less in the relationship while I stay invested, hence why I took his actions as emotionally abusive when in reality it was all about rejection.

I told her she was making it sound as if it was a problem within me and he won't be abusive towards someone whom he feels a lot of interest in. She said that this was exactly her point: that he abused me just because he wasn't interested anymore and maybe he isn't really abusive and it was just the circunstances.

I really don't know if I should keep going with her?
Am I lying to myself and he wasn't abusive?

I've read a lot about emotinal abuse since everything happened and he does sound like an abuser. I have also been rejected once by a person who wasn't interested anymore, but he was upfront about it and did not abuse me,so I think I know the difference, but maybe she's right and he was just ike that towards me out of rejection?

FireSprite

Now - if we're using the wrong verbiage here, I can see how miscommunication can happen. But she's referring to his treatment of you as Abuse - not Rejection, right?

Huge difference between Abuse & Disinterest, IMO

Mango blast

Pray, meditate...

Ask for eyes to see, ears to hear.

Find someone supportive to you.

Timetoheal12

Yes. But the way I see it, she is only using the "abuse" word because I think it was abuse, and she actually thinks it was just disinterest.


However, like I said, I've read a lot about emotinal abuse since everything happened and he does sound like an abuser. I have also been rejected once by a person who wasn't interested in me anymore, but he was upfront about it and he definitely didn't abuse me.

I think I know the difference... My ex abf was a very confusing person; started off great and it diminished with time, but there was a lot of manipulation involved, among other behaviors that can be seen as emotionally abusive. I am just doubting my perceptions now that she told me this.

Ariesagain

Oh for...

NOOOOOO!!!!!!!

If this is her equation, she’s dangerously misguided and a world-class codependent looking for a place to happen.

To follow this bizarre train of thought, abuse becomes the victim’s responsibility to become more lovable.

Oh HELLZNO!

She’s a therapist? Did she get her credentials out of a cereal box?

FireSprite

I see what you mean. It's confusing to me why she isn't seeking to clarify this point - Like, "Hey - TTH - we aren't talking about abuse here, this is disinterest and here's why..." I still think I would follow up & get clarification.

But overall, if your gut says it's abuse & she's minimizing it to disinterest, it might be worth getting another therapist's thoughts before you accept some concept that doesn't fit your reality.

To play devil's advocate for a moment, I can say the same about my husband but it's his ADHD that creates the problems with diminishing interest, etc. Some of his behaviors can be perceived as emotionally abusive to me whether he intends it or not, but I would not classify him as an Abuser.

hearthealth

Some of his behaviors can be perceived as emotionally abusive to me whether he intends it or not, but I would not classify him as an Abuser.

????

Timetoheal12

I will ask her during our next session about why exactly does she think it was just disinterest. I don't know....

He would often ignore my feelings, disrespect me, promise things with words and his actions wouldn't match/promise to change and be better, act like it for a while and then change, he would withhold affection, he would tell me I was too demanding/asking for too much and blame me when confronted about something he did wrong, he would treat people outside of our relationship with total decency yet he would deny that to me, specially if he was angry for being confronted, he would often threaten to leave me when things weren't going his way, he would be very sweet from time to time too, (but I have heard that this is part of the cycle of abuse), he would be manipulative with lies and contradictions,he tried to convince me of having sex without a condom and said he wouldn't have sex with me unless it was without a condom, and in general I felt as if I was to blame for his sudden change from nice to mean, because he would make sure I felt like it was that way. I don't think it was disinterest. I think it was power and control. By going to the therapist, aside from healing, I just wanted to feel validated and stop doubting myself.

He would also get mad at me if I didn't wanted to go drink with him, but I think this has more to do with his alcoholism?


...

Thanks for the time and replies.

FireSprite

Because it's perception. He's impulsive with spending, I find it financially abusive. It doesn't mean he intentionally goes about creating financial crises. He's incapable of juggling as many balls as I am so when I'm the one that gets dropped for whatever reason, it's easy to see it as neglect or abuse.

He has to work harder to maintain our relationship after all these years because it's not "something shiny" any longer & while that doesn't affect his love for me, it does affect his ability to show it or to recognize when his behaviors are deteriorating.

I am in NO way talking about physical, obvious or intentful abuse. I'm talking about "small" stuff that seems similar to what TTH might be referring to. ADHD is a specific & unique diagnosis & impacts every area of his life. Medication helps but it's just one of many necessary tools for him to maintain "normal" behaviors.

FireSprite

I don't think that's Disinterest TTH, not at ALL.