dellaND

I woke up this morning with a feeling of just impending doom and sadness... Sundays were always a day me and my XABF looked forward to. Cooking and watching football all day and of course, drinking. And I felt sad and hurt thinking that today, he'll be doing that with someone else and probably happier since I'm not there to "bitch" about his drinking... I don't understand why I'm so sad about this because most Sundays over the past 3.5 years have ended with him passing out, or us getting into a fight or, him leaving to go out alone. The last Sunday we had in our relationship, I had to work while he was at home. He told me around 930 AM he was going to the bar with his friend Joel. I told him to maybe stop by my work with him later for lunch or something and that Id be off around 4 to watch the night game with him. Around 1 PM, I get a text from a friend asking if my X was working, I told her no he's at the bar with Joel. Next thing I knew I had a picture sent to me of him next to a girl at the bar top. Worst feeling ever to get while at work. I texted him, and asked him if he was lying about who he was with and he replies nope my friend Nicky showed up. But, my friend told me it was just them two.. Of course I tip toed around this and sent him a message saying something of the sort "i'm not upset, I just want you to be honest". So hours later, I text him and tell him I'm on my way home from work, (he had texted me earlier and said he was going home) no answer. I get home hes not there. So I called, no answer and straight to vm. I texted, just wondering when youre coming home so I can plan on dinner. No answer. Hours later. Try to call, ignores my call. Basically, this happened all night till around 11 PM, he comes home, smashed, drove, and told me oh I didn't see your texts or calls I was at my bosses house and got carried away. He is constantly on his phone always, and wears an apple watch, so I know he did. But, in the end I said... I'm glad you had fun, I just wish you would respect my feelings more and just let me know where you are or when you are coming home or ask me for a ride. And like always, he would just laugh in my face and say I can't be honest with you about anything because you would just get mad. STUPID. STUPID. STUPID. So WHY in the hell, do I feel sad that I can't be there on football Sunday. WHY am I waiting for a call or a text or an email, whyyyyy do I feel so heart broken and lost! It makes me so angry.
I started making a list of all the terrible things he's done and said so I can read and re read it over and over again to remind myself of how toxic our relationship actually was... but, today, its not working. I hate to say that I'm weak because he use to always tell me I'm a weak person, but... today, I am.

SparkleKitty

Della, it's not "weak" to be sad, heartbroken, lost, or angry. It's human. You are grieving, and there's going to be a certain amount of pain as you let go of what you hoped your relationship would be, and as you accept that it wasn't that, and never had a chance to be with an active addict.

So feel sad, and know that you are strong for dealing with your emotions head on rather than drinking them away or ignoring them. You're doing okay. Time takes time.

Nata1980

Della - you are not weak. It seems to you that he is "happier" - and he probably is for now. Truth is - unless his new flame is a drunk as well - they will eventually grow unhappy with his ways. Take care of yourself. You still can have fun on a football Sunday - make a snack, invite a friend over

I have been missing my XAH - and we have parted ways in February of 2016. Hardest part is that now I only whiteness him being a decent father and he has been very agreeable and helpful even when not asked. And I know it is inpression management. It pains me that he could not stay sober and get a job while he was with me and my son, but now it seems that he has no problem doing that

His life may be easier than mine, but I would not trade with him.

kodi

Hi Della

I feel your pain. Been there. Totally get reaching out and being dissapointed.

You are reaching out and hoping he will react positively to you. To make all the (read:your)bad feelings go away - realise he is causing you anxiety. Work on your anxiety not on him, he won't get you anywhere.

I do not get that from his behaviour that he is interested. He is vague and evasive. And other interests are more important than your time. You are hurting yourself chasing a lost cause.

It sounds harsh but leaving you to pursue this is not in your best interest in the very least and being nice about it is wasting your time.

You are being too nice to him. He is with another girl and you text " I'm not upset" ....

You are not being honest with him or with yourself.

It hurts like heck and takes time. I took years and cried more days than not. But it got me in a much better place than chasing the uncatchable.

You cannot die from heartache. It just feels really really crappy.

dandylion

della...it will help if you make a new ritual for Sundays......