Is this alcoholic or personality behaviour?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 88
Is this alcoholic or personality behaviour?
Hi
Need overdue clarity.
I am not with the alcoholic anymore going on 3 years but I always wondered about some of his behaviour especially since I wasn't sure to stay or too go.
Background: 10 years together. He drank for 9 of those years. To date: no counseling, no programs other than stayin facility x 3, no follow up progrms or mentors after rehab. He was a alcoholic and opioid addict. He says he doesnt need help and he is sober till today after rehab 3d try. Is offended when called an alcoholic or referring to his past.
Example:
1) daytime event - he had disappeared for a couple of hours without notice. This was uncharacteristic for him as he drank at home or in his car and was always at work or at home or his family which I knew very well. I as the good codependent I am started searching for him. The nearest place to drink that wasnt a bottle store I found him. He was seated in a outside of a restaurant type place. I had approached from behind. He was kinda hunched over looking all very sad kinda teary and the waitress was consoling him. She was standing right next to him with one arm on his shoulder. I went up to them and she had a surprised look on her face. She quickly left without a word and then he said nothing got up and left with me. It looked to me as though he went for a drink and because he looked forlorn the waitress was trying to cheer him up. But what bothered me if the fact that he was looking to female attention to stroke the "poor me" ego he had.
I do not believe it was a potential romantic interest / affair as I kept good tabs on him including snooping his phone and checking his social media. Insert cringe face right here. I know I know. But that was me then lucky I changed for the better. Also he was at home all the time. Not much of a social butterfly he didn't worry with people or friends.
2) his mom lived with us for a year - terrible idea but again as a codie I put my needs last and was never minded at the suggestion. I had an argument with the mom. She was intruding on private space like going in my wardrobe without permission to get his laundry to wash. And she was replacing my furniture etc with all her belongings essentially taking over and making it homely for her.
I complained to my alcoholic who declared it was my problem to sort out as I had the issue. So the only option I had was to confront her. Maybe not - but i thought so at the time. She told me I was bossy and her son drank because of me. Which I'm not surprised he probably in all likeliness did tell her that and she believed every word.
I phoned him after the fight to tell him what happened and he said he would sort it out and i mustnt worry calming me down. He asked to speak to his mom. She wasn't available so I wanted to tell him and he though he was talking to his mom. So he started saying (expletive) how tired he was of me and how he would sort me out later and she mustn't worry about it. I didn't speak so I could hear. He was really rude and insulting towards me. I told him I heard everything and ended the call. That opened my eyes.
My question is - do alcoholics behave this way when they still need to start the drinking for the day. I.e when they dry? Is it part of the manipulation or dysfuntion cycle of an alcoholic when they aren't intoxicated?
3) second rehab stint - he had come home and was trying to make an effort with me although minimal lol. I was upset and really hurt and I was crying. I asked him how could he hurt so much. He just said he doesnt know what to say and kept silent. It felt like he was trying to let me down gently but at the same time he came to lice with me and not get his own place
My question is - is this honesty as he is terrible with words or emotions or is he just saying something in place of awkward silence. What is a good response for this moment from someone just out of rehab for the second time and genuinely wants to try and they are asked why they did the things they did.
4) he commented that girls in rehab have nice bodies but he referred to me as his girlfriend to the staff - is this an observation or was this a warning sign he on the look out for the next girl. I noticed he had a pattern of telling me one version and everyone else a different story.
5) he took his computer with to rehab the second time and said rehab is like a hotel they do everything for you. The computer was locked away upon arrival. Is addicts this self involved or is it his personality?
6) he had no sexual or romantic interest in me. Never touched me but insisted he had feelings for me and never moved out when I offered that it wasn't working or insisted at times lol and he never ever told me he wasn't interested or wanted to breakup. Always gave excuses for why he wasn't sexual. Accused me of cheating which was ridiculous. Was very upset when i came home late after work in a confrontational way. He also asked me why I would shower after work - in the middle of very hot summer implying I had been sleeping with someone. Again he was at home all the time or at work. Not sure if he had time for an affair in between and also he is not super confident.
Is paranoia and sexual avoidance part of the alcoholic tendencies? Or him?
7) he claims he can't remember things he said and did when he drank. I believe he drank so heavy its possible but he was selective on where he drank so therefore cognitive enough. When he stayed at his brother for 2 weeks he didn't blackout drink like when he lived with me just months prior. He drank enough to function in a way living there.
Personality or alcoholic?
Bit of a long post. All responses appreciated as it still bother me today and I need to be informed so I can make better choices.
If anything is left out please ask.
Need overdue clarity.
I am not with the alcoholic anymore going on 3 years but I always wondered about some of his behaviour especially since I wasn't sure to stay or too go.
Background: 10 years together. He drank for 9 of those years. To date: no counseling, no programs other than stayin facility x 3, no follow up progrms or mentors after rehab. He was a alcoholic and opioid addict. He says he doesnt need help and he is sober till today after rehab 3d try. Is offended when called an alcoholic or referring to his past.
Example:
1) daytime event - he had disappeared for a couple of hours without notice. This was uncharacteristic for him as he drank at home or in his car and was always at work or at home or his family which I knew very well. I as the good codependent I am started searching for him. The nearest place to drink that wasnt a bottle store I found him. He was seated in a outside of a restaurant type place. I had approached from behind. He was kinda hunched over looking all very sad kinda teary and the waitress was consoling him. She was standing right next to him with one arm on his shoulder. I went up to them and she had a surprised look on her face. She quickly left without a word and then he said nothing got up and left with me. It looked to me as though he went for a drink and because he looked forlorn the waitress was trying to cheer him up. But what bothered me if the fact that he was looking to female attention to stroke the "poor me" ego he had.
I do not believe it was a potential romantic interest / affair as I kept good tabs on him including snooping his phone and checking his social media. Insert cringe face right here. I know I know. But that was me then lucky I changed for the better. Also he was at home all the time. Not much of a social butterfly he didn't worry with people or friends.
2) his mom lived with us for a year - terrible idea but again as a codie I put my needs last and was never minded at the suggestion. I had an argument with the mom. She was intruding on private space like going in my wardrobe without permission to get his laundry to wash. And she was replacing my furniture etc with all her belongings essentially taking over and making it homely for her.
I complained to my alcoholic who declared it was my problem to sort out as I had the issue. So the only option I had was to confront her. Maybe not - but i thought so at the time. She told me I was bossy and her son drank because of me. Which I'm not surprised he probably in all likeliness did tell her that and she believed every word.
I phoned him after the fight to tell him what happened and he said he would sort it out and i mustnt worry calming me down. He asked to speak to his mom. She wasn't available so I wanted to tell him and he though he was talking to his mom. So he started saying (expletive) how tired he was of me and how he would sort me out later and she mustn't worry about it. I didn't speak so I could hear. He was really rude and insulting towards me. I told him I heard everything and ended the call. That opened my eyes.
My question is - do alcoholics behave this way when they still need to start the drinking for the day. I.e when they dry? Is it part of the manipulation or dysfuntion cycle of an alcoholic when they aren't intoxicated?
3) second rehab stint - he had come home and was trying to make an effort with me although minimal lol. I was upset and really hurt and I was crying. I asked him how could he hurt so much. He just said he doesnt know what to say and kept silent. It felt like he was trying to let me down gently but at the same time he came to lice with me and not get his own place
My question is - is this honesty as he is terrible with words or emotions or is he just saying something in place of awkward silence. What is a good response for this moment from someone just out of rehab for the second time and genuinely wants to try and they are asked why they did the things they did.
4) he commented that girls in rehab have nice bodies but he referred to me as his girlfriend to the staff - is this an observation or was this a warning sign he on the look out for the next girl. I noticed he had a pattern of telling me one version and everyone else a different story.
5) he took his computer with to rehab the second time and said rehab is like a hotel they do everything for you. The computer was locked away upon arrival. Is addicts this self involved or is it his personality?
6) he had no sexual or romantic interest in me. Never touched me but insisted he had feelings for me and never moved out when I offered that it wasn't working or insisted at times lol and he never ever told me he wasn't interested or wanted to breakup. Always gave excuses for why he wasn't sexual. Accused me of cheating which was ridiculous. Was very upset when i came home late after work in a confrontational way. He also asked me why I would shower after work - in the middle of very hot summer implying I had been sleeping with someone. Again he was at home all the time or at work. Not sure if he had time for an affair in between and also he is not super confident.
Is paranoia and sexual avoidance part of the alcoholic tendencies? Or him?
7) he claims he can't remember things he said and did when he drank. I believe he drank so heavy its possible but he was selective on where he drank so therefore cognitive enough. When he stayed at his brother for 2 weeks he didn't blackout drink like when he lived with me just months prior. He drank enough to function in a way living there.
Personality or alcoholic?
Bit of a long post. All responses appreciated as it still bother me today and I need to be informed so I can make better choices.
If anything is left out please ask.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
An abusive jerk who stops drinking is still an abusive jerk.
Long posts welcome! It's good to replay things from a distance and different viewpoints, but let these thoughts flow through fairly quickly, if possible. Getting stuck in them is quicksand. Once you see more clearly how very much you don't want these things, turn back towards the sunshine and all the good things life has to offer.
Addiction, alcoholism, mental illness are completely illogical. So are the changing of seasons, years that go by and the earth itself... look for joy where you can find it and let the rest go into an "I don't know and I don't have to know" file.
Whatever needs to be resolved will come up again, so feel free to take old explorations in small doses.
What's helped me a lot recently is realizing that the alcoholic saying, "I love you. You're perfect for me." translates to "you put up with my crap."
Long posts welcome! It's good to replay things from a distance and different viewpoints, but let these thoughts flow through fairly quickly, if possible. Getting stuck in them is quicksand. Once you see more clearly how very much you don't want these things, turn back towards the sunshine and all the good things life has to offer.
Addiction, alcoholism, mental illness are completely illogical. So are the changing of seasons, years that go by and the earth itself... look for joy where you can find it and let the rest go into an "I don't know and I don't have to know" file.
Whatever needs to be resolved will come up again, so feel free to take old explorations in small doses.
What's helped me a lot recently is realizing that the alcoholic saying, "I love you. You're perfect for me." translates to "you put up with my crap."
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
This thread may help explain the bubbling up of old stuff:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-my-brain.html (What is wrong with my brain???)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-my-brain.html (What is wrong with my brain???)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 88
Hi keeping
Thank you for the replies and the link. I have been to post previously. Very useful.
I am working on myself with my codependency. Not focused on my ex as I am uninterested in dating someone with addiction as a rule now in my life.
I am working on my past behaviour to correct it therefore I'm reflecting back to how I dealt with certain events.
The events I listed are unanswered in my mind as to where to fit them in.
I cannot put myself in the mind of an alcoholic and won't even try to know - I only know what I experienced as a partner
I believe there are two issues - me being with an alcoholic(addiction) and me being with someone who was not clear on what they wanted relationship wise, emotional and metally abusive at times and me tolerating the behaviour thinking its love. Possibly him being a sexual anorexic or love avoidant for whose who are familiar.
Never been to a professional on any matter so I dont really know. I am self diagnosing.
Thank you for the replies and the link. I have been to post previously. Very useful.
I am working on myself with my codependency. Not focused on my ex as I am uninterested in dating someone with addiction as a rule now in my life.
I am working on my past behaviour to correct it therefore I'm reflecting back to how I dealt with certain events.
The events I listed are unanswered in my mind as to where to fit them in.
I cannot put myself in the mind of an alcoholic and won't even try to know - I only know what I experienced as a partner
I believe there are two issues - me being with an alcoholic(addiction) and me being with someone who was not clear on what they wanted relationship wise, emotional and metally abusive at times and me tolerating the behaviour thinking its love. Possibly him being a sexual anorexic or love avoidant for whose who are familiar.
Never been to a professional on any matter so I dont really know. I am self diagnosing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 55
Maybe the short answer is just "yes".
Maybe it is personality and alcoholism. It is there to begin with to some extent, but alcoholism erodes all the safety catches and inhibitions. It also creates a lot of bad behavior that then requires rationalization, guilt to run away from or to project on to other people, self pity which can lead to all kinds of avoidance or blamethrowing, it keeps alcoholics in denial...
I think all these things keep a person from growing up, and degrade their standard of behavior. I am no expert, but I get the feeling that an alcoholic life is a life that is deliberately lived with little self-awareness or growth.
Maybe it is personality and alcoholism. It is there to begin with to some extent, but alcoholism erodes all the safety catches and inhibitions. It also creates a lot of bad behavior that then requires rationalization, guilt to run away from or to project on to other people, self pity which can lead to all kinds of avoidance or blamethrowing, it keeps alcoholics in denial...
I think all these things keep a person from growing up, and degrade their standard of behavior. I am no expert, but I get the feeling that an alcoholic life is a life that is deliberately lived with little self-awareness or growth.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
The answer I'd give would be, "Since the behavior is unacceptable, the origin of it doesn't matter."
You'd have no more success curing him of mental illness, boorishness, or his tendency to use people than cure him of his alcoholism. He needed a place to live, didn't want to have sex with you, so proclaimed his love for you until you got tired of it? Apple didn't fall far from tree if Mommy had to mooch off you, too!
You'd have no more success curing him of mental illness, boorishness, or his tendency to use people than cure him of his alcoholism. He needed a place to live, didn't want to have sex with you, so proclaimed his love for you until you got tired of it? Apple didn't fall far from tree if Mommy had to mooch off you, too!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
We can't diagnose him, unfortunately, but I think Velma is right -- the only thing that really matters as it relates to you is that it was unacceptable behavior, and yet you accepted it for a long time. I also think KTF is on to something when she says that "whatever needs to be resolved will come up again." That's been true for me, and I haven't lived with an active addict in a long time.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
I agree with those that say "both". A lot of this sounds though like some typical rationalizations that alcoholics will use to "justify" and continue their drinking so that they can't see alcohol as the real problem. Otherwise, they might realize they can't drink alcohol normally without any external factor or cause.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 88
Hi sparkle.
Mooching mama. An apt and funny description. Never thought about that.
I was always treated by ex and his mom as of they were doing me a favor to treat me so terribly. As if Im charity work.
The mom interfered by all the kids she stayed. Having to move on each time. I was by no means special in getting this treatment lol. And his brothers are also alcoholics. But I was the problem. Ummmm ok then.
Mooching mama. An apt and funny description. Never thought about that.
I was always treated by ex and his mom as of they were doing me a favor to treat me so terribly. As if Im charity work.
The mom interfered by all the kids she stayed. Having to move on each time. I was by no means special in getting this treatment lol. And his brothers are also alcoholics. But I was the problem. Ummmm ok then.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 88
No.
We were in contact after the breakup here and there but I was riding a dead horse staying in contact - it served no purpose and I had not work enough on myself yet to stay in contact. He affected me. I deleted him completely and all his "memories" on my phone, emails, pics etc.
It was my way off pouring the my emotional alcohol down the sinks and throwing the bottle away.
We also have mutual friends and acquaintances from our time together and I don't say anything when he is discussed the odd occasion or on social media.
My poor choices can't dictate how or what others people say around me or who they spend time with. I am mature enough for that.
We were in contact after the breakup here and there but I was riding a dead horse staying in contact - it served no purpose and I had not work enough on myself yet to stay in contact. He affected me. I deleted him completely and all his "memories" on my phone, emails, pics etc.
It was my way off pouring the my emotional alcohol down the sinks and throwing the bottle away.
We also have mutual friends and acquaintances from our time together and I don't say anything when he is discussed the odd occasion or on social media.
My poor choices can't dictate how or what others people say around me or who they spend time with. I am mature enough for that.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
