So Confused - So Discouraged
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
So Confused - So Discouraged
My AH confuses the he** out of me. He has *so* many great qualities -
he helps clean around the house, rubs my feet every night (my great pleasure in life), provides a nice income for our family, pays for the BEST private school for our daughter (who is not biologically his, but he's been her stepdad figure for 11 years now), and tells me a million times a day how much he loves me and how he's so glad I'm his wife. He even takes my side against any spats with his parents.
On the downside, he can and has been drinking vodka all day long. He can drink and sound normal. He can drink and do business deals! He DOES get obnoxious/annoying after too many drinks. His lovey-dovey stuff turns into irritation towards my daughter and myself. I am constantly accused of cheating on him, despite the fact that I have NEVER done so and, in fact, I am a borderline hermit. He has GPS on my car, an interior camera in the house, and 4 exterior cameras "for security" - - (also for keeping tabs on me, I suspect). I know for a fact that he's not cheating on me, so I don't think it's a diversion tactic. I think he's just truly paranoid b/c his father was a habitual cheater. In his non-drunk times, I am constantly being asked for reassurance that I love him, that I am attracted to him, and that I won't leave him. It's exhausting.
I am currently working online to get my real estate license and will continue to work on all the credentials to go after my name once I get my license. I need to do this whether we stay together or not. Hell, he could die from a fall, an accident, or liver failure, and then where would I be?
He hasn't gone 24 hours without drinking since......I don't know when. He always promises tomorrow will be the day. I've told him that I won't make love to him while he's drunk - that I'm tired of the lies and I'm tired of the booze breath. Yesterday he made it all day....I actually thought I was going to "get some", and then I saw him over in his chair after work, enjoying his current cocktail of choice - vodka with Mt. Dew (ew).
When he's drunk, he guilts me about our lack of intimacy. I know how important intimacy is, but I also know that I just don't want to lay there and smell that smell and not be into it at all because he's drunk.
I've covered a lot of ground here, and I'm sorry. Any thoughts for me? I'm loosing my mind here. I am attending Al-Anon every week.
he helps clean around the house, rubs my feet every night (my great pleasure in life), provides a nice income for our family, pays for the BEST private school for our daughter (who is not biologically his, but he's been her stepdad figure for 11 years now), and tells me a million times a day how much he loves me and how he's so glad I'm his wife. He even takes my side against any spats with his parents.
On the downside, he can and has been drinking vodka all day long. He can drink and sound normal. He can drink and do business deals! He DOES get obnoxious/annoying after too many drinks. His lovey-dovey stuff turns into irritation towards my daughter and myself. I am constantly accused of cheating on him, despite the fact that I have NEVER done so and, in fact, I am a borderline hermit. He has GPS on my car, an interior camera in the house, and 4 exterior cameras "for security" - - (also for keeping tabs on me, I suspect). I know for a fact that he's not cheating on me, so I don't think it's a diversion tactic. I think he's just truly paranoid b/c his father was a habitual cheater. In his non-drunk times, I am constantly being asked for reassurance that I love him, that I am attracted to him, and that I won't leave him. It's exhausting.
I am currently working online to get my real estate license and will continue to work on all the credentials to go after my name once I get my license. I need to do this whether we stay together or not. Hell, he could die from a fall, an accident, or liver failure, and then where would I be?
He hasn't gone 24 hours without drinking since......I don't know when. He always promises tomorrow will be the day. I've told him that I won't make love to him while he's drunk - that I'm tired of the lies and I'm tired of the booze breath. Yesterday he made it all day....I actually thought I was going to "get some", and then I saw him over in his chair after work, enjoying his current cocktail of choice - vodka with Mt. Dew (ew).
When he's drunk, he guilts me about our lack of intimacy. I know how important intimacy is, but I also know that I just don't want to lay there and smell that smell and not be into it at all because he's drunk.
I've covered a lot of ground here, and I'm sorry. Any thoughts for me? I'm loosing my mind here. I am attending Al-Anon every week.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
The "keeping tabs"with cameras and GPS is a red flag for me, especially in combination with allegations that you're cheating on him. It sounds like he is not entirely perceiving reality and he is imagining that you're doing all kinds of things you're not doing (which is consistent with drinking too much). I can't think of a legitimate reason why someone would need to have a GPS monitor in my car, unless I had a medical condition that needed tracking. He may be playing out scenes from his own childhood in which his father was unreliable and cheated - but that was then, this is now, and you shouldn't have to live in a time warp because he has unresolved childhood issues.
You don't owe him promises that you will never leave him, and you most certainly do not owe him sex under any circumstances, drunk or sober.
I'm glad that you're going to AlAnon - it may help you to clarify the limits of what you can and can't live with.
You don't owe him promises that you will never leave him, and you most certainly do not owe him sex under any circumstances, drunk or sober.
I'm glad that you're going to AlAnon - it may help you to clarify the limits of what you can and can't live with.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I am glad you are going to alanon and reaching out for support!
I was with my AXH for 26 years, 23 of those years we lived together/were married. For 18 of those 23 years I was a stay at home mom. He was our sole provider.
He made sure all my physical necessities were met; food on the table, roof over head, clothes on ours back, vehicles to drive, home and yard maintenance, warm body in the bed etc. and while these are all good qualities in a spouse, there were other important needs I had that were not being met.
My XAH was(is) not an evil person but he was(is) a very damaged person, both by his upbringing and his alcoholism. He was incapable of giving me the things I really needed in a husband.
Personally I needed more than physical things and I even needed more than love.... we had love but it wasn't enough.
I needed: Honesty and Respect ( He was constantly lying to me)
I needed: To feel Safe and Secure ( I lived in constant fear he would die or go to jail)
I needed: My Dreams and Wishes to matter to him (My desire to travel meant nothing to him)
I needed: To NOT be Manipulated constantly ( Threats of suicide and the disappearing acts)
I needed: Him to not Drink and Drive ( despite already having a DUI)
I needed: Financial Honesty ( constantly lied to about money)
I needed: MY health to matter ( My mental and emotional health were in shambles)
I needed: Promises to be kept .... ( we all know how that goes with a drunk)
Most of all I needed to Trust him, and because all those essential needs went unmet, I was unable to do that. It took me a long time to learn that trusting him only got me a broken heart all over again.(and again, and again, and again....)
He wasn't willing to change his life so I had to change mine, unfortunately for our marriage that meant going our separate ways. Fortunately for me, I am now a healthy woman, in a healthy relationship, with a healthy man, and it feels wonderful.
I wish you luck and clarity as you continue to figure out how to make a happy life for yourself while entangled with an alcoholic. I am really glad you are furthering your education.
I was with my AXH for 26 years, 23 of those years we lived together/were married. For 18 of those 23 years I was a stay at home mom. He was our sole provider.
He made sure all my physical necessities were met; food on the table, roof over head, clothes on ours back, vehicles to drive, home and yard maintenance, warm body in the bed etc. and while these are all good qualities in a spouse, there were other important needs I had that were not being met.
My XAH was(is) not an evil person but he was(is) a very damaged person, both by his upbringing and his alcoholism. He was incapable of giving me the things I really needed in a husband.
Personally I needed more than physical things and I even needed more than love.... we had love but it wasn't enough.
I needed: Honesty and Respect ( He was constantly lying to me)
I needed: To feel Safe and Secure ( I lived in constant fear he would die or go to jail)
I needed: My Dreams and Wishes to matter to him (My desire to travel meant nothing to him)
I needed: To NOT be Manipulated constantly ( Threats of suicide and the disappearing acts)
I needed: Him to not Drink and Drive ( despite already having a DUI)
I needed: Financial Honesty ( constantly lied to about money)
I needed: MY health to matter ( My mental and emotional health were in shambles)
I needed: Promises to be kept .... ( we all know how that goes with a drunk)
Most of all I needed to Trust him, and because all those essential needs went unmet, I was unable to do that. It took me a long time to learn that trusting him only got me a broken heart all over again.(and again, and again, and again....)
He wasn't willing to change his life so I had to change mine, unfortunately for our marriage that meant going our separate ways. Fortunately for me, I am now a healthy woman, in a healthy relationship, with a healthy man, and it feels wonderful.
I wish you luck and clarity as you continue to figure out how to make a happy life for yourself while entangled with an alcoholic. I am really glad you are furthering your education.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, LovePeaceSushi.
Welcome.
It sounds like you are putting boundaries in place and that your spouse is pushing back hard.
His priority is drinking, and he would really like it if you would just get in line with that.
Life with an addict doesn’t get any better as time goes on. It gets worse.
Al-Anon is a great place to find clarity. I hope you can keep going, and am glad you are posting here.
Welcome.
It sounds like you are putting boundaries in place and that your spouse is pushing back hard.
His priority is drinking, and he would really like it if you would just get in line with that.
Life with an addict doesn’t get any better as time goes on. It gets worse.
Al-Anon is a great place to find clarity. I hope you can keep going, and am glad you are posting here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 88
Hi
It sounds like you are reaching the very end of your tolerance for the drinking but are stuck because you managed it so far, kinda waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Every day is a teeny tiny step closer to the goal!
Partners of alcoholics really have a hard time because of how addicts behaviour is so everyday routine but also so extremely damaging to the partners. It breaks down trust, hope, respect, love and brings up anger and resentment often in subtle ways. All while we have to deal with our own lives and issues as well and any other life responsibilities left for us to sort out.
I can empathise.
It sounds like you are reaching the very end of your tolerance for the drinking but are stuck because you managed it so far, kinda waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Every day is a teeny tiny step closer to the goal!
Partners of alcoholics really have a hard time because of how addicts behaviour is so everyday routine but also so extremely damaging to the partners. It breaks down trust, hope, respect, love and brings up anger and resentment often in subtle ways. All while we have to deal with our own lives and issues as well and any other life responsibilities left for us to sort out.
I can empathise.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i'm beginning to think the "foot rubs" are a red flag......just seems to be a "trait" read here often.
let's say for a minute the "thing" he does that bothers you wasn't drinking (and all that goes with it), perhaps instead it was setting fire to the dining room table. so he does all these "wonderful" things but sets something in the house on fire EVERY DAY. how long before you take some type of ACTION?
the gps and cameras is totally creepy, controlly and did i say creepy? that negates any of the "nice" stuff. he constantly "love bombs" you but also constantly accuses you of cheating. neither is an acceptable rational adult way to conduct oneself in a relationship. he may be able to buy the nice stuff, but what is the REAL cost?
let's say for a minute the "thing" he does that bothers you wasn't drinking (and all that goes with it), perhaps instead it was setting fire to the dining room table. so he does all these "wonderful" things but sets something in the house on fire EVERY DAY. how long before you take some type of ACTION?
the gps and cameras is totally creepy, controlly and did i say creepy? that negates any of the "nice" stuff. he constantly "love bombs" you but also constantly accuses you of cheating. neither is an acceptable rational adult way to conduct oneself in a relationship. he may be able to buy the nice stuff, but what is the REAL cost?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
i'm beginning to think the "foot rubs" are a red flag......just seems to be a "trait" read here often.
let's say for a minute the "thing" he does that bothers you wasn't drinking (and all that goes with it), perhaps instead it was setting fire to the dining room table. so he does all these "wonderful" things but sets something in the house on fire EVERY DAY. how long before you take some type of ACTION?
the gps and cameras is totally creepy, controlly and did i say creepy? that negates any of the "nice" stuff. he constantly "love bombs" you but also constantly accuses you of cheating. neither is an acceptable rational adult way to conduct oneself in a relationship. he may be able to buy the nice stuff, but what is the REAL cost?
let's say for a minute the "thing" he does that bothers you wasn't drinking (and all that goes with it), perhaps instead it was setting fire to the dining room table. so he does all these "wonderful" things but sets something in the house on fire EVERY DAY. how long before you take some type of ACTION?
the gps and cameras is totally creepy, controlly and did i say creepy? that negates any of the "nice" stuff. he constantly "love bombs" you but also constantly accuses you of cheating. neither is an acceptable rational adult way to conduct oneself in a relationship. he may be able to buy the nice stuff, but what is the REAL cost?
Very much relatable and agreed with above thoughts from Anvilhead. Look at who he is and how he acts non-drunk....on the daily...not his best day... but the average usual from this man...is that what you want? ...because that is what you have. Boils right down to that.
I am not judging I am right there with you in my own situation. Something to ponder. Hugs
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
It hit me hard -- and was completely freeing -- when I finally saw the nice acts of kindness as the abusers way to say again and again "don't tell".
"Don't tell...
about the mental abuse
Don't tell...
about the psychological abuse
Don't tell...
about any kind of abuse
Don't tell...
about my drinking
Don't tell...
even yourself....
about what my actions are saying."
Reaching out for information and support from domestic violence help centers was an important step for me in sorting out what was going on.
"Don't tell...
about the mental abuse
Don't tell...
about the psychological abuse
Don't tell...
about any kind of abuse
Don't tell...
about my drinking
Don't tell...
even yourself....
about what my actions are saying."
Reaching out for information and support from domestic violence help centers was an important step for me in sorting out what was going on.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Tinton Falls, NJ
Posts: 87
I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I too am in this place except for one thing... I will not allow my AH to live in our house. You have to decide what you want. If you don't want to put up with his drinking and don't want to be intimate because he's been drinking then maybe you should take other steps.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
He's a drunk. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?
This is my thought. Him going 24 hours without drinking, is it really going to "cure" anything. We need to realize what sobriety entales and if he is doing any of that. If not work on yourself and make plans to change what we are in control of changing.
This is my thought. Him going 24 hours without drinking, is it really going to "cure" anything. We need to realize what sobriety entales and if he is doing any of that. If not work on yourself and make plans to change what we are in control of changing.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Is he aware of your online real estate studies? If so, is
he supportive? This is something that has the potential to
give you some real independence, and judging from his
possesive behavior , he won't go for it at all.
His behavior shows that intimacy isn't important to him
at all & what really is.
he supportive? This is something that has the potential to
give you some real independence, and judging from his
possesive behavior , he won't go for it at all.
His behavior shows that intimacy isn't important to him
at all & what really is.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
Sounds like a very uncomfortable, uncertain, and unhappy way to live
on a daily basis for you.
Do you really want to reassure this man for the rest of his life you aren't cheating?
I am a former drinker, and I really think you have a mixed bag of issues here,
some of which are not related to drinking but personality issues he has / may
have had not connected to drinking.
Please take care of you in all this. Sounds like he's taking care of himself
pretty well and expecting you to focus on him drinking or not.
on a daily basis for you.
Do you really want to reassure this man for the rest of his life you aren't cheating?
I am a former drinker, and I really think you have a mixed bag of issues here,
some of which are not related to drinking but personality issues he has / may
have had not connected to drinking.
Please take care of you in all this. Sounds like he's taking care of himself
pretty well and expecting you to focus on him drinking or not.
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