More parenting ... stuff
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More parenting ... stuff
This is mainly a vent - not sure there's anything constructive I can actually do about this situation:
Background: married to alcoholic for a couple of decades, separated/divorced a few years ago, one kid now almost 13, ex has been getting steadily worse and is currently awaiting trial on two DUIs.
Kid was cranky and unco-operative this evening. As is often the case, eventually it comes out that she's brooding about something. It was something her father told her, I'm not sure how long ago: he told her that I didn't care about her when she was a baby/toddler, that I wasn't interested in doing anything with her, and that for several years he kept a journal of how few minutes per day I spent with her, which he offered to show Kid to "prove" what a s****y and uninvolved mother I was. Oh, and his buddy is willing to corroborate all of this, Kid just has to ask buddy "was my mom a good mother?". And of course "don't tell your mom I have this journal".
What kind of jacka** tells a kid something like that? What kind of person tries to poison a child against a parent, going as far as making up a "journal" of the other parent's supposed neglect? Why on earth would anyone try to manipulate a child like that??
This is only the latest in a series of "secrets" Kid has been told she can't tell me about, include ex's meth-addict girlfriend from rehab, his desire to change his gender, his relapses and binges, and on and on. It's all part of "I'm going to share something really major with you but you can't tell your mother - you and me know but she doesn't". Ex has no appropriate boundaries in the parent-child relationship, and he lies and lies and lies. Kid has been told repeatedly that she can't trust me, that she shouldn't want to be with me, that I am trying to keep her away from her father because I'm malicious and I hate him. I don't know what she believes and what she doesn't. It is deliberate parental alienation and I do not understand what I did to deserve this.
(I know the answer is "I didn't do anything - I married a very sick individual").
At the moment Kid only sees her father for short visits under supervision, because of a recent series of drunken escapades that ended with his arrest. I am really glad about this, because the supervision limits his ability to feed her more poison.
Everything I've read about parental alienation tells me that the only thing the parent being targeted can do is to be stable and consistent and children can perceive the difference between what they're told about a parent and what their firsthand experience is of that parent. So I am trying to be stable and calm and not trash-talk ex to Kid, while at the same time saying that she should not have to be in the position of keeping one parent's secrets from the other one. She's in Alateen and sees a counsellor, but is very reserved and doesn't like talking about this crap, so I am concerned that feelings are getting stuffed. She still loves her father, so her denial is very strong.
I am angry, sad and exhausted by the amount of his crap that I still have to deal with. Kid deserves so much better than this.
Background: married to alcoholic for a couple of decades, separated/divorced a few years ago, one kid now almost 13, ex has been getting steadily worse and is currently awaiting trial on two DUIs.
Kid was cranky and unco-operative this evening. As is often the case, eventually it comes out that she's brooding about something. It was something her father told her, I'm not sure how long ago: he told her that I didn't care about her when she was a baby/toddler, that I wasn't interested in doing anything with her, and that for several years he kept a journal of how few minutes per day I spent with her, which he offered to show Kid to "prove" what a s****y and uninvolved mother I was. Oh, and his buddy is willing to corroborate all of this, Kid just has to ask buddy "was my mom a good mother?". And of course "don't tell your mom I have this journal".
What kind of jacka** tells a kid something like that? What kind of person tries to poison a child against a parent, going as far as making up a "journal" of the other parent's supposed neglect? Why on earth would anyone try to manipulate a child like that??
This is only the latest in a series of "secrets" Kid has been told she can't tell me about, include ex's meth-addict girlfriend from rehab, his desire to change his gender, his relapses and binges, and on and on. It's all part of "I'm going to share something really major with you but you can't tell your mother - you and me know but she doesn't". Ex has no appropriate boundaries in the parent-child relationship, and he lies and lies and lies. Kid has been told repeatedly that she can't trust me, that she shouldn't want to be with me, that I am trying to keep her away from her father because I'm malicious and I hate him. I don't know what she believes and what she doesn't. It is deliberate parental alienation and I do not understand what I did to deserve this.
(I know the answer is "I didn't do anything - I married a very sick individual").
At the moment Kid only sees her father for short visits under supervision, because of a recent series of drunken escapades that ended with his arrest. I am really glad about this, because the supervision limits his ability to feed her more poison.
Everything I've read about parental alienation tells me that the only thing the parent being targeted can do is to be stable and consistent and children can perceive the difference between what they're told about a parent and what their firsthand experience is of that parent. So I am trying to be stable and calm and not trash-talk ex to Kid, while at the same time saying that she should not have to be in the position of keeping one parent's secrets from the other one. She's in Alateen and sees a counsellor, but is very reserved and doesn't like talking about this crap, so I am concerned that feelings are getting stuffed. She still loves her father, so her denial is very strong.
I am angry, sad and exhausted by the amount of his crap that I still have to deal with. Kid deserves so much better than this.
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I'm sure angry and exhausted doesn't begin to describe it.
The first thing that popped into my head was that you might want to see a counsellor with your daughter to try and talk out the appropriateness of the way he's behaving in a controlled environment, but it would have to be a good counsellor. Another thought is to tell her current counsellor about this and let DD know you're doing it.
When I was divorcing my ex confided in my son about out money negotiations - ex was very upset - and my son pleaded with me to back off. I could see how disturbed my son was. My lawyer said it was possible to draw up a binding agreement that would prevent either of us involving the kids. I didn't in the end because ex wasn't being malicious.
Don't know if this is possible or even enforceable where you are. There must be some way of stopping him from damaging your child. Telling a 12yo their mother never loved them IS child abuse. I can't imagine how she feels, even if she doesn't believe it.
You have my greatest sympathy for the situation you've been put in and admiration for your courage and steadfastness.
The first thing that popped into my head was that you might want to see a counsellor with your daughter to try and talk out the appropriateness of the way he's behaving in a controlled environment, but it would have to be a good counsellor. Another thought is to tell her current counsellor about this and let DD know you're doing it.
When I was divorcing my ex confided in my son about out money negotiations - ex was very upset - and my son pleaded with me to back off. I could see how disturbed my son was. My lawyer said it was possible to draw up a binding agreement that would prevent either of us involving the kids. I didn't in the end because ex wasn't being malicious.
Don't know if this is possible or even enforceable where you are. There must be some way of stopping him from damaging your child. Telling a 12yo their mother never loved them IS child abuse. I can't imagine how she feels, even if she doesn't believe it.
You have my greatest sympathy for the situation you've been put in and admiration for your courage and steadfastness.
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This is psychological abuse, pure and simple.
Are you able to meet with her counselor to find out if she's aware of this?
There's only one good thing about your ex...he's pretty gifted at self-sabotage. He's circling the drain faster all the time. But it's really rough on your daughter and on you...I'm so impressed at your composure.
Sending you a hug.
Are you able to meet with her counselor to find out if she's aware of this?
There's only one good thing about your ex...he's pretty gifted at self-sabotage. He's circling the drain faster all the time. But it's really rough on your daughter and on you...I'm so impressed at your composure.
Sending you a hug.
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Aya. That is atrocious.
Like Ariesagain said, it is child abuse. Is there a social worker involved, or is there some way to make sure this gets recorded officially, say in court or otherwise? Because this is the kind of stuff people need to be able to review when decisions need to be made about visitation and so on.
Like Ariesagain said, it is child abuse. Is there a social worker involved, or is there some way to make sure this gets recorded officially, say in court or otherwise? Because this is the kind of stuff people need to be able to review when decisions need to be made about visitation and so on.
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972
What kind of jacka** tells a kid something like that? What kind of person tries to poison a child against a parent, going as far as making up a "journal" of the other parent's supposed neglect? Why on earth would anyone try to manipulate a child like that??
This is only the latest in a series of "secrets" Kid has been told she can't tell me about, include ex's meth-addict girlfriend from rehab, his desire to change his gender, his relapses and binges, and on and on. It's all part of "I'm going to share something really major with you but you can't tell your mother - you and me know but she doesn't". Ex has no appropriate boundaries in the parent-child relationship, and he lies and lies and lies. Kid has been told repeatedly that she can't trust me, that she shouldn't want to be with me, that I am trying to keep her away from her father because I'm malicious and I hate him. I don't know what she believes and what she doesn't. It is deliberate parental alienation and I do not understand what I did to deserve this.
(I know the answer is "I didn't do anything - I married a very sick individual").
This is only the latest in a series of "secrets" Kid has been told she can't tell me about, include ex's meth-addict girlfriend from rehab, his desire to change his gender, his relapses and binges, and on and on. It's all part of "I'm going to share something really major with you but you can't tell your mother - you and me know but she doesn't". Ex has no appropriate boundaries in the parent-child relationship, and he lies and lies and lies. Kid has been told repeatedly that she can't trust me, that she shouldn't want to be with me, that I am trying to keep her away from her father because I'm malicious and I hate him. I don't know what she believes and what she doesn't. It is deliberate parental alienation and I do not understand what I did to deserve this.
(I know the answer is "I didn't do anything - I married a very sick individual").
He is sick.
It isn't fair--to you or to your daughter.
I know that you are always documenting. I hope that you continue. It may be important some day.
Can you discuss these things separately with a counselor of your own? I think at this point I would certainly need one!
Sending good thoughts, well-wishes, and many prayers
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So, so awful.
There is a very special place in Hell for people like this, of that I am certain.
I had an uncle who was like this and it (he) poisoned every room he was in. He continued to do this kind of crap even into my fifties. He was in his eighties. Such evil. I avoided him like the plague.
Many prayers for you and your little.
There is a very special place in Hell for people like this, of that I am certain.
I had an uncle who was like this and it (he) poisoned every room he was in. He continued to do this kind of crap even into my fifties. He was in his eighties. Such evil. I avoided him like the plague.
Many prayers for you and your little.
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The one good thing out of all this is that your child IS telling you a lot of the crap that your husband is spewing out.
This is very much unfair to her. I'm also wondering if the people who are supervising their visits (mutual friends, yes?) are aware of how abusive this behavior is. And in the end, this behavior is all going to backfire on AXH. Fast forward another ten years, and I can imagine your daughter being extremely resentful for being manipulated and being used as his shrink. Heck, I'm in my forties, and I STILL remind my parents that I am not their marriage counselor.
I hope your daughter one day finds the strength to draw her boundary and say to her dad enough is enough. She already has you as an example, so she's halfway there.
This is very much unfair to her. I'm also wondering if the people who are supervising their visits (mutual friends, yes?) are aware of how abusive this behavior is. And in the end, this behavior is all going to backfire on AXH. Fast forward another ten years, and I can imagine your daughter being extremely resentful for being manipulated and being used as his shrink. Heck, I'm in my forties, and I STILL remind my parents that I am not their marriage counselor.
I hope your daughter one day finds the strength to draw her boundary and say to her dad enough is enough. She already has you as an example, so she's halfway there.
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My exah did this with 3 of my daughters. He lied about me over and over.They were older than your kid but none of them speak to me anymore cos they got sick of all of it from him and they saw me as the baddie for marrying him in the first place and not cutting all contact with him. I have a grandchild I've never seen and I've not seen the other two of my daughters since they went to uni 3 years ago. I'd be inclined to severally cut back his time with her. It will only get worse and this is the type of contact you can do without for her. While you are being reasonable and allowing him time with her he is tramping all over her and you.
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Holy hell, Sasha. I was just telling my friend the other day that in lieu of castrating AXBF, I'd settle for a good kick in the testicles. I'm officially adding your ex to list of people who need a good kick.
What a sad, pathetic excuse for a man to do this to his daughter. It's not enough that he has endangered her physically, by attempting to transport her to and from school whilst intoxicated, but now, he has to endanger her emotionally and psychologically as well!
Has he ever had a mental health assessment? Can you ask for one in arbitration?
I wonder if it's time to rethink being so flexible with him for the sake of not being perceived as uncooperative by the courts. I mean, any sane human being can see that protecting your daughter from these diabolical games is far more important than his "rights." Enough is enough.
I know it's hard to be the "bad cop." I think you're a rockstar. And even if your daughter doesn't see it now, she will some day--hopefully soon.
What a sad, pathetic excuse for a man to do this to his daughter. It's not enough that he has endangered her physically, by attempting to transport her to and from school whilst intoxicated, but now, he has to endanger her emotionally and psychologically as well!
Has he ever had a mental health assessment? Can you ask for one in arbitration?
I wonder if it's time to rethink being so flexible with him for the sake of not being perceived as uncooperative by the courts. I mean, any sane human being can see that protecting your daughter from these diabolical games is far more important than his "rights." Enough is enough.
I know it's hard to be the "bad cop." I think you're a rockstar. And even if your daughter doesn't see it now, she will some day--hopefully soon.
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At the moment, he sees her 30 minutes a week, with me supervising. He has the option to see her more often if he arranges a third-party supervisor but he hasn't done so.
Kid sees a counsellor, but not as often as I would like. Counsellor is hard to reach on the phone but I will write this up and send it to her as a letter.
It is just so malicious and manipulative - especially telling Kid that she can see this supposed journal of my crappiness if she wants, dangling it like bait. What is she supposed to do - say "yes, dad, I want to read your notes about how mom never paid any attention to me when I was a baby. Sounds like fun!"? If she says she wants to read it (assuming it even exists), she gets all kinds of negative crap about me. If she doesn't say she wants to read it, just knowing that it exists creates anxiety and worry - what's in there??
In ways that I can't articulate, this seems much worse than just straightforwardly saying "you're mom's an a*****" (which he has also told her).
He is indeed circling the drain. Right now I'm not actually hoping that he gets better. Right now I'm hoping that his next drunk-driving incident will be straight off a bridge into deep water. At some point in the future I hope I will be more forgiving and compassionate towards this very sick person, but I'm having a hard time find any of that at this moment.
Kid sees a counsellor, but not as often as I would like. Counsellor is hard to reach on the phone but I will write this up and send it to her as a letter.
It is just so malicious and manipulative - especially telling Kid that she can see this supposed journal of my crappiness if she wants, dangling it like bait. What is she supposed to do - say "yes, dad, I want to read your notes about how mom never paid any attention to me when I was a baby. Sounds like fun!"? If she says she wants to read it (assuming it even exists), she gets all kinds of negative crap about me. If she doesn't say she wants to read it, just knowing that it exists creates anxiety and worry - what's in there??
In ways that I can't articulate, this seems much worse than just straightforwardly saying "you're mom's an a*****" (which he has also told her).
He is indeed circling the drain. Right now I'm not actually hoping that he gets better. Right now I'm hoping that his next drunk-driving incident will be straight off a bridge into deep water. At some point in the future I hope I will be more forgiving and compassionate towards this very sick person, but I'm having a hard time find any of that at this moment.
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Tough to feel compassion for someone who is going out of his way to mess up your child just to feed his sick need for control and vengeance.
It would be really tempting to ask him to show it to you. You know it's ******** he made up. But I guess that would be betraying your daughter's trust.
And with people like him, the only way to win is not to play.
But wow. Just wow.
Sending you a hug.
It would be really tempting to ask him to show it to you. You know it's ******** he made up. But I guess that would be betraying your daughter's trust.
And with people like him, the only way to win is not to play.
But wow. Just wow.
Sending you a hug.
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Entry 1: January 2005 - Why does my wife spend all her time on Instagram?
Entry 2: February 2005 - Bought wife an iPhone for Valentine's Day.
Entry 3: March 2005 - Saw President Trump in his motorcade!
Entry 2: February 2005 - Bought wife an iPhone for Valentine's Day.
Entry 3: March 2005 - Saw President Trump in his motorcade!
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You may want to think about bumping up the time with the counselor, and make sure the counselor is the right one for your child. She is being abused, and so are you.
Is there a ruling that she has to speak to him on the phone? If not, cut it off, which cuts off his opportunity to do this.
Sending many hugs to you and your DD.
Is there a ruling that she has to speak to him on the phone? If not, cut it off, which cuts off his opportunity to do this.
Sending many hugs to you and your DD.
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Sasha - This is so absolutely horrid, I almost have no words.
May I ask if you like your child's counselor? If not, perhaps it's worth finding another one who has the time available? This is emotional abuse and definitely deserves immediate attention.
I am so happy that your child chose to tell you all of this because it does show that she trusts you. She must be so confused by all of this and she is beyond lucky to have you.
Even IF your husband has something and she even sees it/reads it, she KNOWS you. She knows how you make her feel now. With time, she'll realize that it's a bunch of nonsense. Just stay the course and provide her with the stability and love that she so desperately needs.
Lastly - I am not sure what your experience has been with the courts/judges wherever you are but I do not believe filing a motion with this kind of information, including your kid's testimony (if she'll give it), on top of everything else that has been going on lately, could ever make you look uncooperative in any way.
Sending you lots of hugs.
May I ask if you like your child's counselor? If not, perhaps it's worth finding another one who has the time available? This is emotional abuse and definitely deserves immediate attention.
I am so happy that your child chose to tell you all of this because it does show that she trusts you. She must be so confused by all of this and she is beyond lucky to have you.
Even IF your husband has something and she even sees it/reads it, she KNOWS you. She knows how you make her feel now. With time, she'll realize that it's a bunch of nonsense. Just stay the course and provide her with the stability and love that she so desperately needs.
Lastly - I am not sure what your experience has been with the courts/judges wherever you are but I do not believe filing a motion with this kind of information, including your kid's testimony (if she'll give it), on top of everything else that has been going on lately, could ever make you look uncooperative in any way.
Sending you lots of hugs.
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart 
Entry 1: January 2005 - Why does my wife spend all her time on Instagram?
Entry 2: February 2005 - Bought wife an iPhone for Valentine's Day.
Entry 3: March 2005 - Saw President Trump in his motorcade!
Entry 2: February 2005 - Bought wife an iPhone for Valentine's Day.
Entry 3: March 2005 - Saw President Trump in his motorcade!
Took me a while but I finally got it!
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
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Entry 3: March 2005 - Saw President Trump in his motorcade!
Entry 3: March 2005 - Saw President Trump in his motorcade!
wowzer- makes me being paranoid that the squirrels were talkin about me not so......
wowzer!!
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