Smile1478

There is a reason he is alone at 43. Love can be blind but if you are questioning this at 9 months in please think carefully why. Sounds like single party life is what he lives. Wishing you the best.

Marie2551

Thank you all for the kind words. They made things very clear.

GreenEyes02

Marie

Boy, your bf sounds a lot like my xAbf in so many ways. I remember the anxiety. I could actually feel my mental health suffering. Once I broke up with him, the surge of relief was AMAZING.

You really do not deserve to live with this type of anxiety. Really. And you are only 31. I get it - I was 34, almost 35, when I finally dumped the xAbf. It was so scary. But I landed on my feet and am SO much happier now. I look back at the time I spent with xAbf and it makes me realize how really messed up it was and how toxic the relationship really was.

You deserve better than this.

Marie2551

Thank you for that. This week has been a roller coaster and I realize how much the anxiety has gotten to me. 8 days ago Another weekend away for me and another black out night for him. Laid it all out when I got back that I was done. Finally he actually broke down and admitted he has a problem, etc. said he was going to get help. That he wasn't sure if we should stay together because he knows he will slip up on the way and doesn't want to disappoint me. I offered my support if he wanted or if he needed to do this alone I get it. He says together. The next day I asked for details about what help he would get and he got defensive again, indirectly blamed the situation on me being out of town and said I was being too tough and judgy and that at least he finally admitted his issue, he would make some calls Monday. But later thanked me for caring and wanting him to get better. The next night a simple question about a trust issue and he flipped out. He says I have serious trust issues and I'm too hard on him and He will never live up to my expectations. I get it, I can't trust him because Of all the drinking lies and cover ups and anxiety from wanting to know when and if he's drunk but also not wanting to know. he knows why and probably makes him feel crappy. Normal relationship trust was gone a long time ago and I know it's not healthy. Today was the day he said he would make his plan for getting help. But we both decided yesterday that we need space for a while. I am mostly ready to go but do want to give our relationship a chance if he actually does get help. The last few days have been so draining and hard to be without him but it is slowly getting easier. We still text for now.

kodi

Marie - love him from a place of safety. Build a strong base for yourself where you are not needing to make it work but choose to make it work and a place where his doings do not cause you harm financially or emotionally.

Marie2551

Thank you. I am back and forth with feeling good about leaving behind the anxiety and wondering if I should break it off but also sad and lonely without him. This is the first time he asked for space, usually it's me asking for space after getting upset about a drinking episode. It's really hard knowing he doesn't want to be around me. I want to have compassion but right now I just am sad that I am alone and feel unwanted. I guess it's selfish Of me in a way. He said he is still taking everything in, I assume he means from his finalLy admitting he has a problem or perhaps our trust issues. He said everything we are going through is affecting his ability to focus at work and he has a big deadline in December. That is true, but it's also true that his drinking the last two months has stopped him from working on that deadline and now he is panicking. He is texting all day that he loves me and checking up on me. I don't know why. He wanted space yet he keeps contacting me. It's making it harder. I want to ask him to just stop but I also want to respect the space he asked for and try to be compassionate and supportive because Monday was the day he was going to make his treatment plan. I don't want to ask him about it because I want to not pass judgment and allow him to do this for himself. I guess this is detachment ?

kodi

Marie - this person is pressing all your anxiety buttons. You should get help in person from someone who knows addiction very well even a group. And work on building up your emotional state - you are reacting very much to this situation and to his actions.


If you want a relationship with a sober him then you need make it very clear. Let your actions be your words. Show him don't tell him.

Marie2551

Thanks kodi you are right. I am going to work on that.

hopeful4

When you have space you do not spend all day texting. That only makes it worse.

Big hug friend.