Gracey

I came home yesterday. My AH admitted to drinking on Friday night and on Saturday night when he went to the party at his families.....

His drinking did not affect me at all this weekend on was gone visiting my brother in the icu unit....

I knew that this was going to happen...yes, my heart is broke...he was sober for over six months...I know his choice to drink, had nothing to do with me....although he blames me....I know that it is not my fault...

I do have some sort of calm resolve....there is nothing I can do about it....I cant say I enjoyed my weekend due to where I was at......but I still went forward with my plans....I had this feeling that is why he didnt want to have my son home.....When i came home....I asked him if we could talk about it....I told him that I want to get a divorce....I didnt fight with him.....I just told him that I thought it was the best for all of us....

I couldnt be strong......after him saying alot of horrible things to me....after 4 hours of him asking me if this is what I want for sure......I said no......I caved....I didnt go to work today...and neither did he...he is gone right now..went to get pops.......I really know what I want in my heart.....and that is to be alone...right now...the things he says to me makes me want to crawl in a hole......and just die inside......I feel so guilty about my decision and he says that all of this is my fault i know that it is not.....I really tried to be strong.....

Lorelai

(((Gracey)))
You ARE strong. There was a point in my recovery that I knew that I wanted to be apart from my H. I still wasn't strong enough to make it happen. I kept working and got to the point where I could.

This is just another step on your path. Don't give up. The best is yet to come.
Huge Hugs - L

cwohio

((((gracey)))) - don't be so hard on yourself. you are so open and have worked so hard with your recovery! you will get to where you need to be when the time is right. i'm glad you were able to go visit your brother and pray he will improve.

i'm throwing you a rope to climb out of that hole!!!!!!

StandingStrong

(((Gracey))) My heart goes out to you.

I think we've all been in your shoes before. We know what we "need", but it doesn't always mean that's what we "want".
I remember a time where I used to just wish so much that my AH would leave me. I knew that I needed him gone for my own peace of mind and sanity - but I wasn't strong enough to be the one to end the madness.

Gracey, remember that you are strong. If you weren't, you wouldn't have come as far as you have!

Sending you even more hugs in this time that finds you hurting. (((((Gracey)))))

gelfling

Dear Gracey,

You've shown a tremendous amount of courage. You didn't go to the party and you went to visit your brother . You made up your mind and did it. One day you'll understand what that one move did in respect to your recovery.

Yesterday, another poster wondered if she caved. I'll say the same to you that I did to her.

Go back and read your old posts. Then take it from there.

Love and Hugs, Kathy

Gracey

Thank you everyone for listening to me......and thank you for your words of encouragement.......

I dont feel strong, but I know that I am getting stronger........

I am a good person.........I have so much love to give.......I care so much about so many different things........I want people to see the good in me.....and the good heart that I have.......I dont mean to hurt anyone........and when I told him lastnight that I want a divorce.......I didnt mean to make him cry and I didnt mean to impact him like I did just to conform in the end to his wishes........I wonder why he loves me.....I cant stand to see someone hurting........I think I could stop the hurt.....but I know that I cant.......he has to stop the hurting inside himself.......

I knew this day was coming.......you just know........I tried to prepare myself for this.......and you know what you cant.......you just have to keep moving forward....you have to keep faith, hope and love in your heart......

Peaches04

(((((((((((Gracey))))))))))))))) Please dont be hard on yourself - it took a lot of courage to even bring up the subject and ask for a divorce. At the very least, he will know it is something you have been very seriously thinking about and even if you caved this time, he probably knows there's a good chance you wont next time, if he doesn't get his act together. Baby steps, they tell me - and I think you are doing great!

DesertEyes

((((Gracey))))) I think you have been strong enough to do exactly what your HP has wanted you to do. Nothing more. If you feel you were not strong enough, please consider that your HP just didn't want you to do more at that moment. You don't have to be super strong, you don't have to be perfect. All you have to be is as strong as you are, and you have been.

Keep in touch, keep posting, hang on to your faith, your HP is not going to let you down and you are going to be fine.

Prayers for you on the way to the HP :-)

Mike :-)

JessicaNAJ

Gracey - I don't think you caved. I just think you were 100% ready to make that jump yet. None of us want our marriage to end in divorce.... that's why we are all here, for help and support. Just because you said, no, doesn't mean you don't have the courage to go through with what you decide.

Stay strong, you are doing great!

Karivan

((((gracey)))) I agree with Jessica. Don't be too hard on yourself. I posted 3 weeks ago that I had caved and everybody was so supportive. It's just not time yet. Big hugs... I thought you showed a lot of courage going to see your brother against your A's wishes.

I hope this isn't out of line but does it seem like your A chose to drink that weekend to punish you for going?