Need advice to help a friend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 1
Need advice to help a friend
Hello, my name is Sascha, 37m , from Europe.
I found this forum online and after reading it for awhile, i decided to look for your advice, since i'm sure you do have alot of experience and knowledge that might really help. I'm not an alcoholic myself and i actually don't drink alcohol at all, but i have a very good friend who has a really serious problem with alcohol, for quite some time now. I know him for more than 15 years now and we spend alot of time together, nowdays mostly due to job obligations, but we used to spend alot of private time together as well. He's almost 50, and he's been an alcoholic for i guess 16-17-18 years now. I really didn't notice that in the early years, i mean i knew he was a social drinker, but i had no clue that he has a real problem. However, for the last 6-7 years he's been drinking heavily on daily basis. That completely changed his social life, his attitude towards family, friends , work and for some time now, that fully distanced him from both family and friends. His behaviour is quite inappropriate nowdays (rude, verbally aggressive, intolerant, etc) and that's the primary reason people distanced from him in the first place. Unfortunate thing is that he is surrounded by other family members who also drink (mom,brother), but not as heavily as he does. They are aware of his problem, and they seem to be supportive in trying to help him, but never to the real extent. The truth is, they have everyday fights, disputes about different things, about alcohol amongst other things, but mostly about money, control and everyday life things, other people don't even notice. That makes the situation worse, to the extent where police needs to intervene.
Since we have a successful company together for many years now, i see him almost every day, but we aren't really close like we used to be. I have to be honest and say that i am the one who decided it's enough and i distanced myself from him , because i couldn't take it anymore, he was dragging me down with him. After spending a day with him, i was depressed, angry, tired, totally worn out and i actually needed a day or two to recover. I started talking with him about his problem, probably 10 years ago or so. I was really supportive, patient and full of understanding. I recommended a good doctor, but he told me he dosen't need a doctor, he's in control of things. I kept talking and talking about it for probably 2-3 years, but problem was only growing. At some point, he was arrested for DUI, spent a night in jail, and he got a court order for mandatory rehab in hospital. To keep it short, it didn't help at all. After 3 weeks he came out of the program and started drinking even more. We started having everyday fights at work, because he comes to work drunk in the morning and leaves even more drunk in the afternoon. So i don't really have to say that he dosen't really contribute at all, he only causes business damage. After some time we started talking again, i again felt sorry for him and decided to do whatever i can to help him. So we found a private clinic, went there, and everything seemed great at first. He was on antidepressants, in a good mood and he again promised that he'll do his best to be sober.
But after only 2 or 3 weeks, he started drinking again, heavily, with explanation that he can control it, that he can relax during weekends, etc.etc., and soon after that we came back to step one. I decided for a different approach after that and i started spending alot of time with him, like 7-8 hours a day. We talked alot, i tried explaining to him what alcohol does to him, how people look at him and i was really supportive. I kept doing it for the next 10 months. Most of the time i was listening to his same depressive monologue, how his family isn't supportive, how everybody hates him, that he is a victim of his family and friends who only try to abuse his kindness, etc. etc. During those 8 months i tried to involve him in a normal social life with other people, engage him in any activity that will make him forget alcohol, but it usually ended up bad. He was always very rude and impolite to other people, our every lunch or dinner ended up with his depressive monologue, and people started avoiding me as well, because i was "forcing" them to accept him.
After 10 months i became depressed myself, agitated, nervous and if actually didn't notice that he was pulling me down with himself, until my friends and family intervened. I was so concentrated on helping him, that it actually started ruining my own life to extent where i started having psychological issues myself. Needles to say, there were no results at all, he just kept on drinking heavily. He was involved in a car accident during that time, again DUI, but due to the fact that we run a good and quite profitable business, he found his way out of it, without consequences. He was in fact arrested 3 more times, and ordered to a mandatory hospital treatment again, with no effect. Worst thing is, he is divorced for a long time now, hardly ever visits his kids, and he lives with his mom for over 9 years now. The whole situation is unhealthy, since mom tries to control his life (to the extent no person should), she isn't heavy drinker, but she is alcohol abuser (although she tries to hide it), and they constantly fight. My last attempt to help him was 6 months ago, when i begged him to move to his apartment, to start living his own life, and to quit drinking. I even got him to go to private clinic again. That didn't actually have much effect (again), and he continued to drink heavily in a matter of weeks. His mom hated the idea of him moving to his apartment and she did her best to keep him at home. Needles to say, they kept on fighting every day and his drinking became even worse than it was. I can't really judge other people or say for sure, but my best guess is that his mom isn't being sincere, and for some reason she wants to control him and make his life even more miserable. Some months ago, she told me that she'll go mad, she can't take it anymore, and that she'll call cops on him if he dosen't move from their house. So, i was actually happy, because i still think moving would be good in his situation. He also seemed happy to move, and told me that he dosen't want to live like that anymore, but it changed in 2-3 days, when he started to look for reasons why he shouldn't move, and he decided not to move after all.
To describe his alcoholism, i have to say that he normally drinks 10-15 shots of whiskey, at least 10 bottles of beer (half liter bottles), and 2-3 bottles of wine a day, and even more during weekends. Alcohol is the first thing in the morning, during day, in the evening, and he even wakes up during the night and drinks. He gets drunk to the extent where he can't walk or stand, almost every day. Well, after trying for so many times to help him, i am kinda tired of it, but we still have a company / job, so we do see each other quite often. He dosen't really contribute to our business, he does come to work, but mostly because he is bored at home and he spends most of his day in a bar getting drunk with other alcoholics. Although i'm really tired and i've had enough of his depressing monologues, and although we aren't as close friends as we used to be, i still feel sorry for him and it really bothers me i can't help him in any possible way. I'm affraid, but sure, that his life will be a very short one if something dosen't change soon. I don't have any more ideas what to do, what to try, and i somehow feel responsibility to help him. I'm sorry for my bad english (grammar), and i am really sorry for the long text, but if you did read it, i'd really appreciate your advice.
Thank you.
I found this forum online and after reading it for awhile, i decided to look for your advice, since i'm sure you do have alot of experience and knowledge that might really help. I'm not an alcoholic myself and i actually don't drink alcohol at all, but i have a very good friend who has a really serious problem with alcohol, for quite some time now. I know him for more than 15 years now and we spend alot of time together, nowdays mostly due to job obligations, but we used to spend alot of private time together as well. He's almost 50, and he's been an alcoholic for i guess 16-17-18 years now. I really didn't notice that in the early years, i mean i knew he was a social drinker, but i had no clue that he has a real problem. However, for the last 6-7 years he's been drinking heavily on daily basis. That completely changed his social life, his attitude towards family, friends , work and for some time now, that fully distanced him from both family and friends. His behaviour is quite inappropriate nowdays (rude, verbally aggressive, intolerant, etc) and that's the primary reason people distanced from him in the first place. Unfortunate thing is that he is surrounded by other family members who also drink (mom,brother), but not as heavily as he does. They are aware of his problem, and they seem to be supportive in trying to help him, but never to the real extent. The truth is, they have everyday fights, disputes about different things, about alcohol amongst other things, but mostly about money, control and everyday life things, other people don't even notice. That makes the situation worse, to the extent where police needs to intervene.
Since we have a successful company together for many years now, i see him almost every day, but we aren't really close like we used to be. I have to be honest and say that i am the one who decided it's enough and i distanced myself from him , because i couldn't take it anymore, he was dragging me down with him. After spending a day with him, i was depressed, angry, tired, totally worn out and i actually needed a day or two to recover. I started talking with him about his problem, probably 10 years ago or so. I was really supportive, patient and full of understanding. I recommended a good doctor, but he told me he dosen't need a doctor, he's in control of things. I kept talking and talking about it for probably 2-3 years, but problem was only growing. At some point, he was arrested for DUI, spent a night in jail, and he got a court order for mandatory rehab in hospital. To keep it short, it didn't help at all. After 3 weeks he came out of the program and started drinking even more. We started having everyday fights at work, because he comes to work drunk in the morning and leaves even more drunk in the afternoon. So i don't really have to say that he dosen't really contribute at all, he only causes business damage. After some time we started talking again, i again felt sorry for him and decided to do whatever i can to help him. So we found a private clinic, went there, and everything seemed great at first. He was on antidepressants, in a good mood and he again promised that he'll do his best to be sober.
But after only 2 or 3 weeks, he started drinking again, heavily, with explanation that he can control it, that he can relax during weekends, etc.etc., and soon after that we came back to step one. I decided for a different approach after that and i started spending alot of time with him, like 7-8 hours a day. We talked alot, i tried explaining to him what alcohol does to him, how people look at him and i was really supportive. I kept doing it for the next 10 months. Most of the time i was listening to his same depressive monologue, how his family isn't supportive, how everybody hates him, that he is a victim of his family and friends who only try to abuse his kindness, etc. etc. During those 8 months i tried to involve him in a normal social life with other people, engage him in any activity that will make him forget alcohol, but it usually ended up bad. He was always very rude and impolite to other people, our every lunch or dinner ended up with his depressive monologue, and people started avoiding me as well, because i was "forcing" them to accept him.
After 10 months i became depressed myself, agitated, nervous and if actually didn't notice that he was pulling me down with himself, until my friends and family intervened. I was so concentrated on helping him, that it actually started ruining my own life to extent where i started having psychological issues myself. Needles to say, there were no results at all, he just kept on drinking heavily. He was involved in a car accident during that time, again DUI, but due to the fact that we run a good and quite profitable business, he found his way out of it, without consequences. He was in fact arrested 3 more times, and ordered to a mandatory hospital treatment again, with no effect. Worst thing is, he is divorced for a long time now, hardly ever visits his kids, and he lives with his mom for over 9 years now. The whole situation is unhealthy, since mom tries to control his life (to the extent no person should), she isn't heavy drinker, but she is alcohol abuser (although she tries to hide it), and they constantly fight. My last attempt to help him was 6 months ago, when i begged him to move to his apartment, to start living his own life, and to quit drinking. I even got him to go to private clinic again. That didn't actually have much effect (again), and he continued to drink heavily in a matter of weeks. His mom hated the idea of him moving to his apartment and she did her best to keep him at home. Needles to say, they kept on fighting every day and his drinking became even worse than it was. I can't really judge other people or say for sure, but my best guess is that his mom isn't being sincere, and for some reason she wants to control him and make his life even more miserable. Some months ago, she told me that she'll go mad, she can't take it anymore, and that she'll call cops on him if he dosen't move from their house. So, i was actually happy, because i still think moving would be good in his situation. He also seemed happy to move, and told me that he dosen't want to live like that anymore, but it changed in 2-3 days, when he started to look for reasons why he shouldn't move, and he decided not to move after all.
To describe his alcoholism, i have to say that he normally drinks 10-15 shots of whiskey, at least 10 bottles of beer (half liter bottles), and 2-3 bottles of wine a day, and even more during weekends. Alcohol is the first thing in the morning, during day, in the evening, and he even wakes up during the night and drinks. He gets drunk to the extent where he can't walk or stand, almost every day. Well, after trying for so many times to help him, i am kinda tired of it, but we still have a company / job, so we do see each other quite often. He dosen't really contribute to our business, he does come to work, but mostly because he is bored at home and he spends most of his day in a bar getting drunk with other alcoholics. Although i'm really tired and i've had enough of his depressing monologues, and although we aren't as close friends as we used to be, i still feel sorry for him and it really bothers me i can't help him in any possible way. I'm affraid, but sure, that his life will be a very short one if something dosen't change soon. I don't have any more ideas what to do, what to try, and i somehow feel responsibility to help him. I'm sorry for my bad english (grammar), and i am really sorry for the long text, but if you did read it, i'd really appreciate your advice.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It’s funny how they are the broken ones but we are the ones who need saving.
We need to save ourselves from the enmeshment we created with someone else’s life.
We need to detach, we need to let go and if we struggle with that then we need help to help us do that. Al-anon, therapy, counseling, something to help us beyond our own thinking which keeps us stuck and overly involved with someone else’s issues. We need help making our way through the FOG
F- fear
O-obligation
G-guilt
Well, after trying for so many times to help him, i am kinda tired of it, but we still have a company / job, so we do see each other quite often. He dosen't really contribute to our business, he does come to work, but mostly because he is bored at home and he spends most of his day in a bar getting drunk with other alcoholics.
So is this Company you have together a bar? A front for him to have no responsibility of having to contribute to it? A soft cushion that he doesn’t have to put much effort into but gets rewarded with drinking money?
We need to save ourselves from the enmeshment we created with someone else’s life.
We need to detach, we need to let go and if we struggle with that then we need help to help us do that. Al-anon, therapy, counseling, something to help us beyond our own thinking which keeps us stuck and overly involved with someone else’s issues. We need help making our way through the FOG
F- fear
O-obligation
G-guilt
Well, after trying for so many times to help him, i am kinda tired of it, but we still have a company / job, so we do see each other quite often. He dosen't really contribute to our business, he does come to work, but mostly because he is bored at home and he spends most of his day in a bar getting drunk with other alcoholics.
So is this Company you have together a bar? A front for him to have no responsibility of having to contribute to it? A soft cushion that he doesn’t have to put much effort into but gets rewarded with drinking money?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome. I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. I would read and educate yourself on alcoholism as much as possible. Unfortunately, unless an addict wants to help themselves and throw themselves into recovery, it's just not possible.
Read and keep posting, you are not alone.
Read and keep posting, you are not alone.
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