Sasha1972

I just realized that in under a year, Kid has gone from living with her father every other week (in a dysfunctional alcoholic household, but still with him) to having 30-minute supervised meetings with him in a public place, the first of which happens tonight. Every step down the rungs of that ladder has happened because he won't stop drinking and/or lying about drinking, in addition to acting-out behavior. Even though he's a jerk, that's a huge loss for her.

Ladybird579

My kids went from having exah in the house 24/7 to sporadic contact, to no contact whatsoever within 12 months of us splitting up. It hasn't been a loss tho. Or at least not a good loss. They are old enough to work out they are better off without his drama in their lives. He brought nothing to the table parental wise whatsoever. He just embarrassed them in public and let them down time after time. It was hard for them to accept he is a waste of space unless he chooses sobriety and they were very angry with me initially for marrying him and having choosen him to be their dad but now they have accepted how he is their focus is on happier things. ie not him.

dandylion

I was the medical co-ordinator of an alcoholism program for several years. I have detoxed hundreds of alcoholics and taken care of their various needs.
from my experience, when an alcoholic is going into withdrawal symptoms, every cell in their brain and nervous system is screaming out for relief. In such a state, the person will do just about anything to get relief. Immediate relief from the pain. It is sort of like having fireants all over you.
In addition, the ability to think straight...beyond the immediate discomfort, is almost impossible. If the withdrawl is very intense,,,it seems to override the fromtal lobes of the brain,,,where judgement and planning, etc. is located. The involuntary part of the nervous system has take over, to a large extent...
***It depends on how far along the disease is, in the person's body. for someone who drinks a lot every day, and, for a long time, this level of withdrawl may come on in a few short hours.
Asking an alcoholic who is that far along in their disease to remain completely sober for a long time, may be asking something that they can't do...without extreme discomfort and life threatening symptoms....

I am not trying to defend anyone, in particular, by saying this stuff...just explaining what the reality is for the alcoholic.....

Sasha1972

There's a genetic vulnerability to addiction, but it's not like having a genetic predisposition to, I don't know, multiple sclerosis, in which the sick person cannot determine the progression of the disease. Alcoholism has a behavioral component unlike most other diseases. The "sick" person has to work to actively maintain his or her sickness.

There's no genetic predisposition to getting in a car, nor to driving to a liquor store, nor to taking out a debit card and paying for booze. These are all things that ex does because he doesn't like how he feels when he's not drinking, and alcohol is readily available. If he were somewhere with no alcohol, marooned in Antartica, he would not be drinking. If someone with MS were marooned in Antarctica, they'd still be falling, losing vision, having neurological problems.

hopeful4

I completely agree with you Sasha!

BAW81

While it is a loss of some kind, I'm not sure it's a bad loss. If she is escaping the reality of living with in "a dysfunctional alcoholic household," I might say it's a huge gain. She's protected now from that dysfunction. She won't grow up to think that dysfunction is normal or OK. I am sure it is no doubt very confusing because children are innocent and love and look up to their parents. I think the best thing is that you're talking to her about what is happening and why it is happening and reassuring her that it has nothing to do with her.

At the end of the day, I believe it is actually a HUGE loss for him.

DesertEyes

Okay folks, next violation of the rules is getting you thrown out.

Mike
Moderator, SR