Feeling super low today-- re: separation
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
Feeling super low today-- re: separation
I so appreciate all the support here in this wonderful forum and I feel really grateful to be able to post here and know so many of you have walked my current path and can relate.
My backstory: I'm married 14 years. My AH is/was a funny and interesting guy, had a great career, was a CEO of a very reputable non-profit and made great money. Our lives were pretty great-- two beautiful kids, a pretty house in a lovely neighborhood in L.A., a vacation house, a close-knit group of friends, etc...
It wasn't all good though. He was a "bon-vivant" when we met. He loved to drink and so did I. Lots of dinners, nights out at fun bars, hanging out with friends drinking beers in the backyard. He was under a lot of stress from work and his drinking and abusive behavior started getting worse.
Walking on eggshells began happening. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde became a regular thing. I was a SAHM to two little kids and they had a great life, much better than I had growing up and I felt I couldn't leave. But I was miserable. I stopped trusting him and my respect for him diminished by alot. We tried counseling, and that went nowhere. He basically highjacked the sessions by telling the counselor how much he loved me and how he is only stressed by MY stress at being a mom and how he just really, really wants the best for me. Then, basically, he told me that he was too important and busy to continue counseling.
We discussed his drinking, which had gone from dionysian wine parties to him drinking vodka by himself in front of the TV-- day after day after day. He declared that his drinking was not a problem. After all, he doesn't stumble around or pass out on the toilet. He drinks to relax and unwind, that's all. But the drinking does not make him relaxed-- it makes him even angrier and no one knows what will set him off. It could be a perceived look. He will rage, possibly, if I miss his phone call. One time he got into a bike accident, and even THAT was my fault. He hated that I was a SAHM (regularly called me a "loaf" and a "freeloader"), then when I started working, he blamed me for "taking off all day doing nothing."
We haven't slept in the same bed for, I dunno, 5 years?
Finally, he started making very bizarre choices surrounding his work. He left his company that he started. Started a new company that offers very nebulous services. Decided to run for office. Dropped out. And now, he's been, in my view, essentially unemployed for about two years. He claims to be "writing proposals" which goes no where.
Mostly, he hangs out, drinks, watches TV and goes on Twitter and blames the world. I see him spiraling and he's taking us down with him.
So, I'm finally leaving. It's so hard. SO HARD. And I'm feeling down because... I'm just so lonely. I have very few friends in this city who are not "our" friends-- couples. I opened up to one about the drinking/abuse and she stopped talking to me.
I opened up to another and she said, "but, you know he REALLY loves you, right?"
My mom has NOT been supportive of me leaving and every time I open up to her about how sad I am in my marriage she'll say something like, "well, maybe you can get him to stop drinking." Or "just laugh off the [verbal abuse]." Or "but think of the children!!!!"
Finally, I started going to Al Anon and I discussed with my mother about every thing I've been learning from there and she now agrees that I can't get him to stop drinking or get him to go to therapy or basically change him at all. I physically CAN'T! I can only manage my own behavior and I can set boundaries for what I am and am not willing to put up with.
So far, none of "our" friends know I've left him. Only the kids know, obviously, and my daughter, who is 12, doesn't really get it, though she gets the brunt of a lot of his anger too. She'll say things like, "but daddy was a lot nicer today." Implying, I should give him another chance. She's also noticing how much he drinks and has been telling me that he has cut down.
But I'm just DONE!
But I feel like a) I'm a crappy human for taking his moods and rages personally and I'm selfish because I want to break up this facade of a happy home life for my own "happiness." I'm a crappy human for not "supporting" him through his career spiral.-- This is the message I get from some people in my life.
and b) I also feel like a crappy person for allowing myself to be disrespected, continuing in an alcoholic/abusive marriage, being a doormat/human emotional punching bag.
I know I wrote a novel. Thank you for reading this far if you did. I know time heals all wounds, but I feel like this is a quagmire I just will never get out of.
My backstory: I'm married 14 years. My AH is/was a funny and interesting guy, had a great career, was a CEO of a very reputable non-profit and made great money. Our lives were pretty great-- two beautiful kids, a pretty house in a lovely neighborhood in L.A., a vacation house, a close-knit group of friends, etc...
It wasn't all good though. He was a "bon-vivant" when we met. He loved to drink and so did I. Lots of dinners, nights out at fun bars, hanging out with friends drinking beers in the backyard. He was under a lot of stress from work and his drinking and abusive behavior started getting worse.
Walking on eggshells began happening. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde became a regular thing. I was a SAHM to two little kids and they had a great life, much better than I had growing up and I felt I couldn't leave. But I was miserable. I stopped trusting him and my respect for him diminished by alot. We tried counseling, and that went nowhere. He basically highjacked the sessions by telling the counselor how much he loved me and how he is only stressed by MY stress at being a mom and how he just really, really wants the best for me. Then, basically, he told me that he was too important and busy to continue counseling.
We discussed his drinking, which had gone from dionysian wine parties to him drinking vodka by himself in front of the TV-- day after day after day. He declared that his drinking was not a problem. After all, he doesn't stumble around or pass out on the toilet. He drinks to relax and unwind, that's all. But the drinking does not make him relaxed-- it makes him even angrier and no one knows what will set him off. It could be a perceived look. He will rage, possibly, if I miss his phone call. One time he got into a bike accident, and even THAT was my fault. He hated that I was a SAHM (regularly called me a "loaf" and a "freeloader"), then when I started working, he blamed me for "taking off all day doing nothing."
We haven't slept in the same bed for, I dunno, 5 years?
Finally, he started making very bizarre choices surrounding his work. He left his company that he started. Started a new company that offers very nebulous services. Decided to run for office. Dropped out. And now, he's been, in my view, essentially unemployed for about two years. He claims to be "writing proposals" which goes no where.
Mostly, he hangs out, drinks, watches TV and goes on Twitter and blames the world. I see him spiraling and he's taking us down with him.
So, I'm finally leaving. It's so hard. SO HARD. And I'm feeling down because... I'm just so lonely. I have very few friends in this city who are not "our" friends-- couples. I opened up to one about the drinking/abuse and she stopped talking to me.
I opened up to another and she said, "but, you know he REALLY loves you, right?"
My mom has NOT been supportive of me leaving and every time I open up to her about how sad I am in my marriage she'll say something like, "well, maybe you can get him to stop drinking." Or "just laugh off the [verbal abuse]." Or "but think of the children!!!!"
Finally, I started going to Al Anon and I discussed with my mother about every thing I've been learning from there and she now agrees that I can't get him to stop drinking or get him to go to therapy or basically change him at all. I physically CAN'T! I can only manage my own behavior and I can set boundaries for what I am and am not willing to put up with.
So far, none of "our" friends know I've left him. Only the kids know, obviously, and my daughter, who is 12, doesn't really get it, though she gets the brunt of a lot of his anger too. She'll say things like, "but daddy was a lot nicer today." Implying, I should give him another chance. She's also noticing how much he drinks and has been telling me that he has cut down.
But I'm just DONE!
But I feel like a) I'm a crappy human for taking his moods and rages personally and I'm selfish because I want to break up this facade of a happy home life for my own "happiness." I'm a crappy human for not "supporting" him through his career spiral.-- This is the message I get from some people in my life.
and b) I also feel like a crappy person for allowing myself to be disrespected, continuing in an alcoholic/abusive marriage, being a doormat/human emotional punching bag.
I know I wrote a novel. Thank you for reading this far if you did. I know time heals all wounds, but I feel like this is a quagmire I just will never get out of.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by WhiteFeathers 
I so appreciate all the support here in this wonderful forum and I feel really grateful to be able to post here and know so many of you have walked my current path and can relate.
My backstory: I'm married 14 years. My AH is/was a funny and interesting guy, had a great career, was a CEO of a very reputable non-profit and made great money. Our lives were pretty great-- two beautiful kids, a pretty house in a lovely neighborhood in L.A., a vacation house, a close-knit group of friends, etc...
It wasn't all good though. He was a "bon-vivant" when we met. He loved to drink and so did I. Lots of dinners, nights out at fun bars, hanging out with friends drinking beers in the backyard. He was under a lot of stress from work and his drinking and abusive behavior started getting worse.
Walking on eggshells began happening. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde became a regular thing. I was a SAHM to two little kids and they had a great life, much better than I had growing up and I felt I couldn't leave. But I was miserable. I stopped trusting him and my respect for him diminished by alot. We tried counseling, and that went nowhere. He basically highjacked the sessions by telling the counselor how much he loved me and how he is only stressed by MY stress at being a mom and how he just really, really wants the best for me. Then, basically, he told me that he was too important and busy to continue counseling.
We discussed his drinking, which had gone from dionysian wine parties to him drinking vodka by himself in front of the TV-- day after day after day. He declared that his drinking was not a problem. After all, he doesn't stumble around or pass out on the toilet. He drinks to relax and unwind, that's all. But the drinking does not make him relaxed-- it makes him even angrier and no one knows what will set him off. It could be a perceived look. He will rage, possibly, if I miss his phone call. One time he got into a bike accident, and even THAT was my fault. He hated that I was a SAHM (regularly called me a "loaf" and a "freeloader"), then when I started working, he blamed me for "taking off all day doing nothing."
We haven't slept in the same bed for, I dunno, 5 years?
Finally, he started making very bizarre choices surrounding his work. He left his company that he started. Started a new company that offers very nebulous services. Decided to run for office. Dropped out. And now, he's been, in my view, essentially unemployed for about two years. He claims to be "writing proposals" which goes no where.
Mostly, he hangs out, drinks, watches TV and goes on Twitter and blames the world. I see him spiraling and he's taking us down with him.
So, I'm finally leaving. It's so hard. SO HARD. And I'm feeling down because... I'm just so lonely. I have very few friends in this city who are not "our" friends-- couples. I opened up to one about the drinking/abuse and she stopped talking to me.
I opened up to another and she said, "but, you know he REALLY loves you, right?"
My mom has NOT been supportive of me leaving and every time I open up to her about how sad I am in my marriage she'll say something like, "well, maybe you can get him to stop drinking." Or "just laugh off the [verbal abuse]." Or "but think of the children!!!!"
Finally, I started going to Al Anon and I discussed with my mother about every thing I've been learning from there and she now agrees that I can't get him to stop drinking or get him to go to therapy or basically change him at all. I physically CAN'T! I can only manage my own behavior and I can set boundaries for what I am and am not willing to put up with.
So far, none of "our" friends know I've left him. Only the kids know, obviously, and my daughter, who is 12, doesn't really get it, though she gets the brunt of a lot of his anger too. She'll say things like, "but daddy was a lot nicer today." Implying, I should give him another chance. She's also noticing how much he drinks and has been telling me that he has cut down.
But I'm just DONE!
But I feel like a) I'm a crappy human for taking his moods and rages personally and I'm selfish because I want to break up this facade of a happy home life for my own "happiness." I'm a crappy human for not "supporting" him through his career spiral.-- This is the message I get from some people in my life.
and b) I also feel like a crappy person for allowing myself to be disrespected, continuing in an alcoholic/abusive marriage, being a doormat/human emotional punching bag.
I know I wrote a novel. Thank you for reading this far if you did. I know time heals all wounds, but I feel like this is a quagmire I just will never get out of.
My backstory: I'm married 14 years. My AH is/was a funny and interesting guy, had a great career, was a CEO of a very reputable non-profit and made great money. Our lives were pretty great-- two beautiful kids, a pretty house in a lovely neighborhood in L.A., a vacation house, a close-knit group of friends, etc...
It wasn't all good though. He was a "bon-vivant" when we met. He loved to drink and so did I. Lots of dinners, nights out at fun bars, hanging out with friends drinking beers in the backyard. He was under a lot of stress from work and his drinking and abusive behavior started getting worse.
Walking on eggshells began happening. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde became a regular thing. I was a SAHM to two little kids and they had a great life, much better than I had growing up and I felt I couldn't leave. But I was miserable. I stopped trusting him and my respect for him diminished by alot. We tried counseling, and that went nowhere. He basically highjacked the sessions by telling the counselor how much he loved me and how he is only stressed by MY stress at being a mom and how he just really, really wants the best for me. Then, basically, he told me that he was too important and busy to continue counseling.
We discussed his drinking, which had gone from dionysian wine parties to him drinking vodka by himself in front of the TV-- day after day after day. He declared that his drinking was not a problem. After all, he doesn't stumble around or pass out on the toilet. He drinks to relax and unwind, that's all. But the drinking does not make him relaxed-- it makes him even angrier and no one knows what will set him off. It could be a perceived look. He will rage, possibly, if I miss his phone call. One time he got into a bike accident, and even THAT was my fault. He hated that I was a SAHM (regularly called me a "loaf" and a "freeloader"), then when I started working, he blamed me for "taking off all day doing nothing."
We haven't slept in the same bed for, I dunno, 5 years?
Finally, he started making very bizarre choices surrounding his work. He left his company that he started. Started a new company that offers very nebulous services. Decided to run for office. Dropped out. And now, he's been, in my view, essentially unemployed for about two years. He claims to be "writing proposals" which goes no where.
Mostly, he hangs out, drinks, watches TV and goes on Twitter and blames the world. I see him spiraling and he's taking us down with him.
So, I'm finally leaving. It's so hard. SO HARD. And I'm feeling down because... I'm just so lonely. I have very few friends in this city who are not "our" friends-- couples. I opened up to one about the drinking/abuse and she stopped talking to me.
I opened up to another and she said, "but, you know he REALLY loves you, right?"
My mom has NOT been supportive of me leaving and every time I open up to her about how sad I am in my marriage she'll say something like, "well, maybe you can get him to stop drinking." Or "just laugh off the [verbal abuse]." Or "but think of the children!!!!"
Finally, I started going to Al Anon and I discussed with my mother about every thing I've been learning from there and she now agrees that I can't get him to stop drinking or get him to go to therapy or basically change him at all. I physically CAN'T! I can only manage my own behavior and I can set boundaries for what I am and am not willing to put up with.
So far, none of "our" friends know I've left him. Only the kids know, obviously, and my daughter, who is 12, doesn't really get it, though she gets the brunt of a lot of his anger too. She'll say things like, "but daddy was a lot nicer today." Implying, I should give him another chance. She's also noticing how much he drinks and has been telling me that he has cut down.
But I'm just DONE!
But I feel like a) I'm a crappy human for taking his moods and rages personally and I'm selfish because I want to break up this facade of a happy home life for my own "happiness." I'm a crappy human for not "supporting" him through his career spiral.-- This is the message I get from some people in my life.
and b) I also feel like a crappy person for allowing myself to be disrespected, continuing in an alcoholic/abusive marriage, being a doormat/human emotional punching bag.
I know I wrote a novel. Thank you for reading this far if you did. I know time heals all wounds, but I feel like this is a quagmire I just will never get out of.
Follow your heart, head and guts. SR has been a significant help to me along with journaling and reading some good counselling books.
Don't dispair - things do change and I do believe time can help heal wounds. I am also trying to connect with everyone I met in a positive way even if it is for a few minutes, kids teachers, work colleagues, meeting cars in when in traffic, local shops - amazing how a smile in return can lift your spirits and lessen the pain of minimal or no adult contact at home.
Take care
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi WhiteFeathers,
FWIW, I think you did the right thing when you left. Don't ever listen to people who tell you that you should just deal with it. No, you don't have to. You also have a right to be happy.
I know, my own mother was still telling me up to 5 years after I was divorced, that my ex was her favorite son-in-law. She finally did stop.
It's funny, but it's not really, how they can act totally different in front of other people, and when that door closes and you are home, you are really the only one (and the children) that see the other side of him.
As for taking his moods and rages personally, well, it sure does feel like that when they are on the attack. I know now that my ex was upset with himself, and since I was there that all the ugliness came out onto me. Who wants to live that way?
((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
amy
FWIW, I think you did the right thing when you left. Don't ever listen to people who tell you that you should just deal with it. No, you don't have to. You also have a right to be happy.
I know, my own mother was still telling me up to 5 years after I was divorced, that my ex was her favorite son-in-law. She finally did stop.
It's funny, but it's not really, how they can act totally different in front of other people, and when that door closes and you are home, you are really the only one (and the children) that see the other side of him.
As for taking his moods and rages personally, well, it sure does feel like that when they are on the attack. I know now that my ex was upset with himself, and since I was there that all the ugliness came out onto me. Who wants to live that way?
((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I want to hug you AND your daughter. I'm so glad you went to Al-Anon. Talking to people who haven't experienced addiction is really useless. Most mean well but really have no idea what the situation is like. Your AH sounds very verbally abusive. It's not ok for him to call you those names nor direct his anger towards your 12 yr old daughter.
I know this is hard but you are doing the right thing. Has your daughter had any counseling or would she agree to going to Alateen? Hearing her comments about her dad's drinking really set little bells off in my head. Hugs to you! You can do this.
I know this is hard but you are doing the right thing. Has your daughter had any counseling or would she agree to going to Alateen? Hearing her comments about her dad's drinking really set little bells off in my head. Hugs to you! You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Dear Heart.. I hold you tight from Wisconsin.. have walked in those shoes.. it took 9 years for me.. yes me to find out what was happening with my hubby.. and only after we almost lost him twice..
never had it quit as nice as you.. but we have pulled our share of feeling so lost... Eddie Lee had an accident at work in 2006.. the doc dropped morphine on him in 2008 for pain.. and yep by 2011 I did fear for my own life at times.. had a good support system of friends that would stay with him at times and let me stay with them when things were bad.....
he is on a special med for the last 10 weeks and I do have the hubby I married in 1992 once again.. for how long I don't know... love and so many prayers a another wife....
never had it quit as nice as you.. but we have pulled our share of feeling so lost... Eddie Lee had an accident at work in 2006.. the doc dropped morphine on him in 2008 for pain.. and yep by 2011 I did fear for my own life at times.. had a good support system of friends that would stay with him at times and let me stay with them when things were bad.....
he is on a special med for the last 10 weeks and I do have the hubby I married in 1992 once again.. for how long I don't know... love and so many prayers a another wife....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
I think when I listened to other people who don't know what it's like is when I got the most confused and distracted. It was also tough when others were afraid of that change like maybe your daughter. Maybe she needs a counselor to help her through this. It sounds like you are looking for that change. I discovered my friends and found new friends through the process of action.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think for many years you did what you knew, tried to keep the family happy and somewhat on a normal path. Today you know more, you know more about alcoholism, about how you can’t change another person – including friends who have their own thoughts and assumptions.
Keep going to al-anon, keep getting the support you need from those who can provide it and detach from those who can’t.
Keep going to al-anon, keep getting the support you need from those who can provide it and detach from those who can’t.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
Thank you so much for reading. This is the most supportive forum 
I was having a little pity party last night. I was able to get some great distance from my AH over the summer. I took the kids on a peaceful two week vacation. Then I took them to my hometown and I felt such peace spending time with some of my oldest and most beloved friends.
I just really didn't like come back here, having to see AH (just so briefly to deal with kids). I don't know how to step back into my old social scene. I need to also get ready to go back to work, which, as a public middle school teacher, is even more martyring
But TODAY! I'm determined to be proactive. I got up early, got dressed and put on make up, walked my doggie and made a plan to get the most out of the day (besides feeling overwhelmed and sorry for myself lol).
Going to Al-Anon, browsing Meetup.com and LA weekly calendar to just get out there and do something. Maybe meet some new friends or just talk to someone new. I'm trying to reconnect to old friends who I've lost touch with.
I hope you all have a wonderful day. Much love.
I was having a little pity party last night. I was able to get some great distance from my AH over the summer. I took the kids on a peaceful two week vacation. Then I took them to my hometown and I felt such peace spending time with some of my oldest and most beloved friends.
I just really didn't like come back here, having to see AH (just so briefly to deal with kids). I don't know how to step back into my old social scene. I need to also get ready to go back to work, which, as a public middle school teacher, is even more martyring
But TODAY! I'm determined to be proactive. I got up early, got dressed and put on make up, walked my doggie and made a plan to get the most out of the day (besides feeling overwhelmed and sorry for myself lol).
Going to Al-Anon, browsing Meetup.com and LA weekly calendar to just get out there and do something. Maybe meet some new friends or just talk to someone new. I'm trying to reconnect to old friends who I've lost touch with.
I hope you all have a wonderful day. Much love.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
You have nothing to feel guilty about for leaving. Your marriage vows were not meant to be a prison sentence. If he's not capable or willing to hold up his end of the relationship, you owe him nothing. He only left you one option for survival, and that's leaving. Be at peace. No one has the right to judge you because they haven't been in your shoes. Wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
Whitefeathers - So much of what you wrote resonated with me, including the "bon vivant" term. I was never a SAHM. I always worked full time, while my husband quit school and began to stay home on the sofa every day drinking vodka. Somehow that made me "spoiled", "lazy", and a "princess" among other, even more colorful insults.
When he was working and in school we were a family that everyone wanted to hang out with. He was hilarious and brilliant - also quite generous. Not anymore.
I really feel for you and the fact that your friends don't get it at all. I have been surprised by the support and understanding of our friends, including my husband's best friend. They have an idea of what has been going on even though they've never witnessed the horrible stuff. They have seen him change for the worse. My parents occasionally make some uninformed remarks and judgments, but I correct them and redirect them.
I also understand feeling bad because you accepted such bad behavior, but it's so hard when kids are in the mix. The only reason I stayed as long as I did was so my son could be close to his father for as long as possible. However, I've also come to see that I didn't believe that I deserved something better. That makes me very sad when I reflect on it.
Things will get better. You are on the right path.
When he was working and in school we were a family that everyone wanted to hang out with. He was hilarious and brilliant - also quite generous. Not anymore.
I really feel for you and the fact that your friends don't get it at all. I have been surprised by the support and understanding of our friends, including my husband's best friend. They have an idea of what has been going on even though they've never witnessed the horrible stuff. They have seen him change for the worse. My parents occasionally make some uninformed remarks and judgments, but I correct them and redirect them.
I also understand feeling bad because you accepted such bad behavior, but it's so hard when kids are in the mix. The only reason I stayed as long as I did was so my son could be close to his father for as long as possible. However, I've also come to see that I didn't believe that I deserved something better. That makes me very sad when I reflect on it.
Things will get better. You are on the right path.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
Originally Posted by Westexy
Whitefeathers - So much of what you wrote resonated with me, including the "bon vivant" term. I was never a SAHM. I always worked full time, while my husband quit school and began to stay home on the sofa every day drinking vodka. Somehow that made me "spoiled", "lazy", and a "princess" among other, even more colorful insults.
When he was working and in school we were a family that everyone wanted to hang out with. He was hilarious and brilliant - also quite generous. Not anymore.
I really feel for you and the fact that your friends don't get it at all. I have been surprised by the support and understanding of our friends, including my husband's best friend. They have an idea of what has been going on even though they've never witnessed the horrible stuff. They have seen him change for the worse. My parents occasionally make some uninformed remarks and judgments, but I correct them and redirect them.
I also understand feeling bad because you accepted such bad behavior, but it's so hard when kids are in the mix. The only reason I stayed as long as I did was so my son could be close to his father for as long as possible. However, I've also come to see that I didn't believe that I deserved something better. That makes me very sad when I reflect on it.
Things will get better. You are on the right path.
When he was working and in school we were a family that everyone wanted to hang out with. He was hilarious and brilliant - also quite generous. Not anymore.
I really feel for you and the fact that your friends don't get it at all. I have been surprised by the support and understanding of our friends, including my husband's best friend. They have an idea of what has been going on even though they've never witnessed the horrible stuff. They have seen him change for the worse. My parents occasionally make some uninformed remarks and judgments, but I correct them and redirect them.
I also understand feeling bad because you accepted such bad behavior, but it's so hard when kids are in the mix. The only reason I stayed as long as I did was so my son could be close to his father for as long as possible. However, I've also come to see that I didn't believe that I deserved something better. That makes me very sad when I reflect on it.
Things will get better. You are on the right path.
I totally understand your saying you thought you didn't deserve better.
My AH used to have a lot of friends, but he doesn't seem to have any anymore. His former best friend (who my AH says is a douche because he is now a professional meditation teacher, lol) told me he worries about him and he can see him spiraling.
Ultimately, I need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. What kind of sick person wants to stay in a toxic marriage because they are afraid to bum out their friends? Me!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
Originally Posted by Jaeger
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I want to hug you AND your daughter. I'm so glad you went to Al-Anon. Talking to people who haven't experienced addiction is really useless. Most mean well but really have no idea what the situation is like. Your AH sounds very verbally abusive. It's not ok for him to call you those names nor direct his anger towards your 12 yr old daughter.
I know this is hard but you are doing the right thing. Has your daughter had any counseling or would she agree to going to Alateen? Hearing her comments about her dad's drinking really set little bells off in my head. Hugs to you! You can do this.
I know this is hard but you are doing the right thing. Has your daughter had any counseling or would she agree to going to Alateen? Hearing her comments about her dad's drinking really set little bells off in my head. Hugs to you! You can do this.
The hard part is the feeling of betrayal about going to Al Anon, which is so stupid.
I went to a meeting the other day and ran into some people I know-- people WE hang out with!!!! And I was like, "now everyone will know AH is an alcoholic!" Which is hilarious, because everyone totally knows he's an alcoholic.
I felt, like, GUILTY for admitting there is a problem. And if I send DD to alateen, he will find out and then accuse me of drilling lies into her head about his drinking and painting him out to be some kind of monster.
Still so much walking on eggshells.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Then I took them to my hometown and I felt such peace spending time with some of my oldest and most beloved friends.
Maybe a move back there for you and the kids might be away forward at some point? It doesn't sound you have much to stay for where you are. Don't ever think you should just suck it up. You only have one precious life and you deserve to be happy. xx
Maybe a move back there for you and the kids might be away forward at some point? It doesn't sound you have much to stay for where you are. Don't ever think you should just suck it up. You only have one precious life and you deserve to be happy. xx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
Originally Posted by WhiteFeathers
My AH used to have a lot of friends, but he doesn't seem to have any anymore. His former best friend (who my AH says is a douche because he is now a professional meditation teacher, lol) told me he worries about him and he can see him spiraling.
My husband was friends with EVERYONE, to a fault. Then, he started knocking them off, one by one, especially if they were getting their own stuff together. All of a sudden they were douches or losers because of their selected profession or had a certain political opinion, and on and on. Everyone was/is a loser except for him. One year my son just missed making it to the city science fair, his best showing ever (and I had helped him). AH railed on us because of our lack of "intellectual curiosity" - we're talking about a 3rd grader, and me of course. : )
Whoa, this is really bringing back some memories. It's great that you're going to Al Anon. I applaud you. I still haven't attended.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Please check around on this site for adult children of alcoholics,
many of us who post on his site are ACOA. It may help to alleviate
some of the burden of guilt you are feeling. Guilt is very draining.
Much better to focus on getting your mental and emotional
health back. One thing I learned when I got to this site was that
living in active alcoholism was indeed making me ill.
You are not doing this for your own happiness, like because he
didn't buy you the latest BMW convertible..... This is about you and
your daughter's emotional, mental, spiritual and physical
well being that has been under attack. People that don't understand
will say things that do not help you, but harm you.
Support & prayers to you
many of us who post on his site are ACOA. It may help to alleviate
some of the burden of guilt you are feeling. Guilt is very draining.
Much better to focus on getting your mental and emotional
health back. One thing I learned when I got to this site was that
living in active alcoholism was indeed making me ill.
You are not doing this for your own happiness, like because he
didn't buy you the latest BMW convertible..... This is about you and
your daughter's emotional, mental, spiritual and physical
well being that has been under attack. People that don't understand
will say things that do not help you, but harm you.
Support & prayers to you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it sounds like you walked into the cloak room and started putting on everyone ELSE'S coat, and now you are buried under layers and layers.
maybe it's time to stop wearing all those heavy garments that don't belong to you?????
maybe it's time to stop wearing all those heavy garments that don't belong to you?????
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
WF,
I am so proud of you!!!
You have received some amazing advice on here. Follow through with what you are trying to accomplish. Independence from an alcoholic home.
I just wanted to remind you that in alanon the 11 and the 12th tradtion:
Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, and TV. We need guard with special care the anonymity of all AA members.
Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.
I would hope the friends you saw there would never disclose your presence to anyone at that meeting. Keep moving forward FW, you are doing great!!
I am so proud of you!!!
You have received some amazing advice on here. Follow through with what you are trying to accomplish. Independence from an alcoholic home.
I just wanted to remind you that in alanon the 11 and the 12th tradtion:
Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, and TV. We need guard with special care the anonymity of all AA members.
Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.
I would hope the friends you saw there would never disclose your presence to anyone at that meeting. Keep moving forward FW, you are doing great!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by WhiteFeathers
I was having a little pity party last night.
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