Eauchiche

Fortunately, I've gotten better at saying No.
Now I need to work on not getting irritated when they ask.

atalose

Maybe his wellbeing would be better off if you were not constantly throwing a pillow under his a@@ every time he is going to fall. Maybe you are actually the roadblock to his recovery with all of your HELP. He does not have to take responsibility for his own wellbeing that is what he has you for.

Same with your family, they do not have to figure life out on their own that is what they have you for. They do not have to line up other babysitters or find transportation for themselves that is what they have you for.

After we have taught people to need us it is natural to be burnt out, to say enough is enough…………until next time! We have to learn why we do that, what we benefit from it before we can fully change it. Does it make you feel important, wanted, needed, desired, and smart, in control? There is some benefit otherwise; we would not be doing it.

I think it’s great if you get this new job but fear that you have to many balls balancing up in the air right now to fully devote ALL of your focus on it. I mean what happens if you get the job and your BF’s next crises arises? Do you leave work? How will you handle that?

Nata1980

"No" is truly a full sentence.

My son is on autism spectrum - and around age of 3 started to have explosive tantrums when being told "no". And no, it was not typical tantrum - it was raging for several minutes. I had to do "no" training, starting with saying "no" deliberately to every other thing. And then increasing number of "no". To the point when I could refuse him everything and he was fine with it.

Your boundaries are your job - no one can enforce them for you. Good luck

aliciagr

I used to work with someone who was always asking me for help. Im a team player when I need to be, but I became frustrated and annoyed with this person because I wasnt going to pull their weight along with my own. I decided to turn the tables one day, and began asking this person to help me in return with small things. I dont think it was appreciated, and slowly the requests stopped coming. I think I must have ended up being put on their "avoid" list. I was balancing a lot in my day to day work, and this situation helped me realize it.

When asking for help, or saying no doesnt come naturally - I found practicing both can be good to help me remember my own needs, and value as a person.

I was wondering if you have ever tried this with your brother?

PuzzledHeart

Saying "No", as awkward as it is, is really the most efficient way to nip requests in the bud.

Giving people a taste of their own medicine can be a gamble, especially if they're clueless.

My favorite go to line at work has to be "I'm sorry, but I won't be able to give it the attention this requires."

For family stuff it's just plain "No. I have other obligations." Note that I don't actually tell them what those obligations are.

Bekindalways

Sigh . . . . count me in on having a hard time saying "no" and/or asking for help.

Puzzled, I find your suggestions of specific statements helpful.

Smarie, let us know how you get on.

HikerLady

I actually had to block people for awhile (reject phone numbers). I feel that if it is something truly important, they will leave a message OR contact someone else. If they leave a message it gives me time to develop what I feel is an appropriate response that I can feel better about (if it's saying NO). For me it had more to do with people trying to figure out what was going on in my personal life so they could use it for gossip (which eventually would make it's way back to me) that tripped me into action. I think most people do not understand that family members of alcoholics who are trying to separate from it need space and time to heel just as much as the alcoholic...not my monkey, not my circus anymore is my mantra.

Smarie78

That's really a great idea Hiker! I notice for me it's so much worse when I am put on the spot. Thankfully I mostly get the asks on my text messages so can think about it. Obviously doesn't always work for me, but I am trying!

Today I am exhausted again after a day of embarrassing over-helping. It still impacts me, but I am making small improvements. I am really looking forward to getting some employment as I will admit, this free time is really been hitting me hard. Work gives me balance and structure and I really miss that. Otherwise I just feel a servant and I don't want that (with or without working). I just crave some structure...seems not having it right now is making it easier to fall into the servant trap.

dandylion

Smarie....did you ever think of telling the simple straight up truth to those who are taking advantage of you in a servant like way?

For example:
"It is part of my therapy to learn not to be a people pleaser. I need to learn to take as much as I have been giving. So far, I am in the hole. I am not supposed to do anything for anyone that they can do for themselves. So, if you can forgive me for declining, I will forgive you for asking".

Sometimes, I think that when all else has been used...try the truth...lol!

You have to face the truth about things...why do you think that other people should get a pass?