Newlife17

Appointment with lawyer in two days.
This evening was tough. As has been usual AH came home after a "meeting" bleary eyed and smelling of booze and cigarettes. Right when I was trying to get child to sleep. He waltzes in to save the day and spend his 30 minutes with child, his one significant relationship these days.
I seriously felt so angry to the point I couldn't look at him or else I felt like physically lashing out.
Gets to me. I just can't live with this anger and negativity anymore. The lies which are obvious to me. The gas lighting. The constant deflection to my defects. The absence of connection, emotional And physical intimacy. The immaturity. The feeling of complete loneliness in our marriage and absolute lack of engagement with me, and being told its my fault. The chaos and feeling like our lives must be controlled by him.
Gets me to thinking: what was your breaking point that spurred you to take action and leave/divorce your spouse or partner?

RomanticTuring

Simply put, I just realized that it's time to face the truth and I could not live like that anymore. That I deserve better, that I need to change myself and that I can not be in relationship where there is no trust, no love, no affection - sadly this was mutual, so was the alcoholism/codependency induced insanity of that partnership.

hopeful4

When he was so drunk he decided to put his hands on me. Our children were home. I literally pushed him out the door and told him never to come back. That was the end.

It does escalate people. I knew it was coming, had told him I thought we should divorce, etc. I just never made the push. I knew something would trigger in my head, and that was definitely it.

Looking back, it should not have taken that. All I did was drag out the misery, I should have left much earlier. Just my two cents.

WhiteFeathers

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It took me a long time to be ready to leave. Like you, I had small children. My AH was the breadwinner, I looked for work but was not successful long-term, I had no family or any support near by. I did not know how I was going to survive with my kids without him.

I've lived in total hell with my AH for 13 years. Every year it got worse and worse. There was no partnership. Zero trust. Just drinking and rage almost every day. At first he was apologetic. Then he gaslighted. Then he just didn't even care.

The breaking point was when I just totally lost respect for him. He lied all the time. He gained 150 lbs. from alcohol alone (he hardly ate actual food). Personal Hygiene became a struggle for him. He literally could not have a single conversation without getting all drunk-defensive (why are you looking at me like that?!?!)

Our last family vacation-- my mom invited us and the kids to Hawaii. While we went to the beach, surfed, hiked, etc... He sat at bars all day and drank. Claimed he had "work to do."

BTW-- he lost his job. He used to be at the top of his field making 250K. Now? Unemployed. Drunk.

My plan was to work on myself so that I am strong enough mentally, physically and spiritually. I went back to school to get my Master's. I quit drinking myself. I got into therapy. I got a job I'm very proud of and I'm spending my summer prioritizing my health and fitness.

As I'm writing, I'm sitting in a mountain top cabin with my kids on vacation. It is so peaceful here. When they wake up, we will have a relaxing day of fun outdoors. No chaos, no abuse.

My advice is, set your boundaries now. Set your expectations now. Get to Al-Anon. You get to determine what kind of life you get to have and who gets to benefit from your time and attention. If your AH would like to be that person, he has to deserve it.

FireSprite

I shared my story here, and there are some fantastic shares in this thread:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ast-straw.html

In fact, it's worthy of a Big Phat Bump!

FallenAngelina

After many previous attempts that would last about a day, I finally went no-contact with my ABF two weeks ago. What made the difference for me was that three months prior, I had made the commitment to myself to find an AlAnon meeting or two that would work for me. No excuses. Two months ago I made the commitment to myself to find a therapist that would work for me. No excuses. So it was groundwork that enabled me to make my choice and to make my wishes clear to him. He's a romantic, loving person but my own anxiety and internal alarm bells were driving me insane. Nothing got horrendous and there was no incident in my relationship. After a year with him I decided that if an alcoholic (and all attendant issues) was sooooo attractive to me, something about my thinking had to be codependent in nature, it was up to me to change. I didn't want to wait for things to get worse and worse before I took action to make my life better.

Learning that alcoholism is progressive had a huge impact on my thinking.

firebolt

Probably this more than anything. I spent more time stewing and angry than happy. I hated who I had become. Plus all the other things you listed....I just realized that NONE of it was what I wanted or deserved for my life. I finally started taking some initiative for my own life and happiness. Sending you HUGS.

honeypig

My story is posted in the thread that FireSprite linked to, so won't repeat it here. I just want to add that once you've hit your breaking point, that doesn't mean you STILL won't have some doubts, some fears, just the sheer weight of time spent together and whatever good memories you have and hopes and stardust, all whirling in your head and at times obscuring the objective. The important thing is to put those firmly behind you, ignore that rear-view mirror, and focus on the road in front--both what's right ahead of you and of what marvelous things are waiting up ahead around the next bend or over that big hill.

I'm going to link to an article I posted that I think goes along w/this topic well. Hope some here find use in it:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...threshold.html

Sasha1972

^^^ This is very good advice - and reminds me of one of the songs that got stuck in my head when I made the decision to leave Beatles' song that contains the words "Soon we'll be away from here/Step on the gas and wipe that tear away". (The rest of the lyrics aren't quite as relevant).

firebolt

^^

Haha one of the songs that was nearly a constant in my head for the last 2 years of my relationship with XABF was Paul Simon's 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover! LOL

Just step out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan,
Drop off the key, Lee...
And get yourself FREE!

flower959

Thank for you providing this link.

firebolt said "For anyone wondering when their last straw will be, it'll come - when you need it, and nothing will stop you." I love this. When I've had enough, I think I'll just know when I've had enough. That day is coming.

LexieCat

I think my story's in that thread, too.

Smarie78

I think you will find a lot of breaking points vary for people. In other words, what's been the rock bottom? What does it look like? You'll find that just like the alcoholic you will have one too. You may also find that the one you THOUGHT you'd have isn't it at all as you imagined. Again, this MAY be what happens if you haven't healed yourself. You will tell yourself that this is the last time. That you'll leave if it happens again. That you'll leave only if he does this or that. If he cheats you'll leave. If he hits you you'll leave, and even then you may keep pushing that bottom a little bit lower. The thing is, is that you'll have enough when you've had enough. When you find the courage to leave. The wisdom to know you deserve better and have done all you can. There is no real universal breaking point. When the pain of staying becomes more painful than the idea of leaving, when you've swooped up that courage enough to save yourself from the drowning man who can jump out of that pool with as much ability as you can, and you let go of his hand and get out of there - that will be your breaking point.

I'm still struggling. I hope you have the courage to make a better life for yourself.

Newlife17

Thank you all so much. All so helpful. This uncertainty and sense of finality that I'm feeling by going back to the lawyer is so scary. I've given an ultimatum before. And after I told him a few months ago I want to proceed with divorce he tried an addiction therapist for a few weeks who dropped him after a few sessions because she said he needed higher care than what she could provide (to him, meant she can't help him and she wanted him to get into a recovery that I had wanted him to do). It's a power struggle, not a marriage or loving partnership. Ever since then it seems like he just lies, deflects on me that I have to change and I'm hindering him from getting better, that I'm the cause of his unhappiness, etc. the good times are way too few and far between and I know it's not because I said or didn't say something. In my gut I feel like I've just had enough. There is nothing to save. I do feel I'm getting to the point where finally I'm
Seeing him for what he is right now, not what he was in the past and what I hope he can be if he decides to truly get better.

Newlife17

White feathers- it all sounds familiar. In my case, I've been the breadwinner for the past three years. He's on my health insurance. Even if he agreed that our marriage wasn't working, he doesn't have the means to live on his own and perhaps he also feels trapped. He also says he doesn't leave because he doesn't want to hurt our child.. But what can I do? I'm dying inside.

dandylion

Newlife....sometimes, it just comes to a point where you have got to do what you know that you need to do.
Sometimes, the right thing is also the hardest thing.....

WhiteFeathers

Does he work at all? Why can't he live on his own?

hopeful4

Thing is, he is not your child. You are not responsible for him. A marriage is a partnership, and this is not being a partner, it's being a dependent.

Newlife17

He works. He's worked full time as a temp since February. He's been let go from his last three full time positions after one year, 7 months, and 3 months respectively. Before that he had good jobs with decent salary and benefits. I have no clue what his income is now, but I would guess he's making about half of what he did just three years ago and seems to be in no rush to find a permanent position. He told me a few months ago that if I ever divorced him , I would have to help support him until he gets back on his feet.

Newlife17

Thank you all for your support and encouragement. Saw the lawyer today and I feel better. She's encouraging me to just take it one step at a time starting with preparing the petition. I think I've been so anxious thinking about the aftermath of filing -- how he might react, if he's just going to go off the deep end and give up, if he might fight for custody, if he'll become suicidal, etc. or if he just won't care and I'll have to face the possibility that he never really loved me. Also, how our 5 year old child-- who already knows that daddy is sick and needs to get healthy-- will handle it.