LexieCat

That's getting into ultimatum territory. Unless FULLY prepared to follow through IMMEDIATELY, best not expressed.

SaveYourHeart

That's the thing I've learned most about boundaries, they have to be FOR me, to protect my own mental health. I've accepted that I cannot control his behavior, but I can control how it affects me and my mental health.

Ex: He drinks and wants to fight, previously I would react in anger and fight back and tell him I'm leaving if he takes another drink (but I would never leave).

Now: He drinks and wants to fight, I leave the room or the house for as long as it takes for the moment to pass, so that I am not subjected to further abuse or so that I don't respond in unnecessary anger and make the situation worse. I do this so that I can maintain my serenity. That's what I can control, how I react, not how he behaves.

LexieCat

I'd say you've got it, SYH!

Eventually, it gets tiring defending boundaries when someone is constantly violating them. That's why strategies like boundaries and detachment don't provide a real permanent solution when you are still living with someone who does that. But it can sure make life more bearable until you move on to the next step.

steve-in-kville

Not sure I understand this one. After I quit, I learned that my wife would periodically check my favorite hiding spots for liquor.

Please explain.

honeypig

Steve, SaveYourHeart said this: That's the thing I've learned most about boundaries, they have to be FOR me, to protect my own mental health. I've accepted that I cannot control his behavior, but I can control how it affects me and my mental health.

Knowing that this is what a boundary is and what it does, does this I will not ask or check to see if he has been drinking. make sense to you now? Do you see how someone constantly checking up on their A would be really counterproductive to their own peace and mental health? It might give an illusion of control, but an illusion is all it would be--it's not going to affect what the A does in the long run, or even in the short run, really.

steve-in-kville

That makes sense, thanks!

Sasha1972

^^ I have used/am using this one ("I will not monitor your drinking"). For me, it was because I didn't want the job of "managing" someone else's alcohol intake. As someone pointed out above, all checking up does is force the determined drinker to be more crafty about how they hide the signs of drinking. It also means giving myself something else to reproach myself for - am I doing a "good enough" job of checking up, is there something I'm overlooking, am I paying enough attention, am I being a good manager of someone else's alcohol consumption, etc.

Someone once pointed out to me that it's not my responsibility to prove that someone has been drinking, it's their responsibility to prove to me that they're sober.

SoloMio

I walk away--and I've gotten to the point where I can just detach emotionally (at least I'm better than I was). When he asks why I won't sit outside with him, I'll come right out and say "I love you when you're sober but you're a PIA when you're drunk." and he usually laughs and lets me be.

If he plays the TV loud, or plays his maudlin crying songs too loud, I escape to my "girl cave."

involved

I have been re readng my old threads and came upon a book suggestion... Never made it to the book store and hadn't gotten my kindle yet so never got around to reading it! But today the universe put it in front of me again... thanks for the suggestion cookiesncream and thanks to whoever made it available for free in pdf form! The book is Boundaries in Marriage it has a lot of bible reference but take what you like and leave the rest!

SaveYourHeart

Ok so to personally answer this question (I went to see my parents this weekend and didn't get to check in here) this boundary reminds me that it's not my business if he drinks or not. It's his issue and me obsessing over it is only going to make me more miserable than I already am. I'm learning to let go and try to live my life and allow him to live his. I notice that when I don't obsess over if he's drinking and allow life to happen, I am happier. I can't stop his drinking, so there's no point in monitoring it.

hopeful4

It really is true, all that happens when you try to control their drinking is that you become even more miserable, because it's just not possible.

TheHopeful

This is so true and learning to do this has been a lifesaver for me.

Since I have stopped trying to control my bf's behaviour and have started making a conscious effort to step away and not engage when he is drunk I have been able to see his rantings for what they are (the incoherent ramblings of an alcoholic) and the things he says no longer have any power.

Now when he goes off on a rant I feel more sorry for him than angry whereas before I would feel so injured and spend hours crying and thinking about all the nasty things he said.

Getting to see how much time I wasted trying to control him, when I could have been focusing on things that make me happy and setting myself up for a better future.