Alcoholic sister and enabling mother
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 1
Alcoholic sister and enabling mother
Hi, I´m new to this.
Decided to write because I´m having a really bad day after confronting my sister with her alcohol abuse. My enabling mother came to my sisters defence, not only by making her problem sound small but by actually attacking me by trying to make me feel as if "I´m just starting trouble and making drama". I think this is called "Gaslighting" and after this, I actually have to tell myself that I´m not over dramatizing things because why on earth would I want to have that awkward and painful conversation with my sister?
Fact is that when everybody parties and drinks, she drinks more than everybody else and behaves in a destructing manner. She has been picked up by security guards and police several times because of her drunkness and I´m concerned about her kids. She has even been reported to child services by someone outside of our family.
I just hate being the bad guy in my family for telling her the truth (as gently as I could). Nobody has the guts to do or say anything and now that I´ve shown the courage to say something, all I get is either family members looking away (conveniently) or hating me for being such a bad person. It feels lonely.
I´m sad that my sister is an alcaholic in denial, angry at mom for taking a (wrong) side and the rest of the family for being cowards.
At least I can face my sisters children in the future and tell them I tried.
Decided to write because I´m having a really bad day after confronting my sister with her alcohol abuse. My enabling mother came to my sisters defence, not only by making her problem sound small but by actually attacking me by trying to make me feel as if "I´m just starting trouble and making drama". I think this is called "Gaslighting" and after this, I actually have to tell myself that I´m not over dramatizing things because why on earth would I want to have that awkward and painful conversation with my sister?
Fact is that when everybody parties and drinks, she drinks more than everybody else and behaves in a destructing manner. She has been picked up by security guards and police several times because of her drunkness and I´m concerned about her kids. She has even been reported to child services by someone outside of our family.
I just hate being the bad guy in my family for telling her the truth (as gently as I could). Nobody has the guts to do or say anything and now that I´ve shown the courage to say something, all I get is either family members looking away (conveniently) or hating me for being such a bad person. It feels lonely.
I´m sad that my sister is an alcaholic in denial, angry at mom for taking a (wrong) side and the rest of the family for being cowards.
At least I can face my sisters children in the future and tell them I tried.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Birgitte,
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your mom's reaction is pretty typical. I confronted my sister about her pot use once - she went into full-fledged tantrum and my father reprimanded me for embarrassing her. It was one of the more bizarre incidents I've had with my family.
Unfortunately, based on my experience, there's nothing you can really say to get your family to see what's going on until they are ready to see it. It may take years for them to get to this point. The best thing you can do is to work on your side of the street.
Believe me, I used to get so consumed by anger over my sister's behavior. I even thought about hiring a PI to record her drug use. All it did was make ME sick and resentful, while she continued doing whatever she was doing. I tried to understand her motivation, but I had to realize that all the sympathy in the world wasn't going to change her behavior one bit.
I'm 100% certain that your sister and my sister are enduring tremendous pain. I'm certain that they've developed rather unhealthy mechanisms to deal with that pain. But until they are willing to make the changes they need to make to live a happier, healthier life, unless they are willing to be open to that possibility, there's really nothing to say, IMHO.
I've also let go of the notion that _I_ have to be the savior, that _I_ have to be the one who fixes things. My sister is very unlikely to listen to the people that she's closest to, but she may be willing to listen to a stranger or a recent friend because she doesn't have to immediately go on the defensive.
Others with more experience will chime in, and perhaps their advice will differ. Take what you need, and let go of the rest. Welcome to SR.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your mom's reaction is pretty typical. I confronted my sister about her pot use once - she went into full-fledged tantrum and my father reprimanded me for embarrassing her. It was one of the more bizarre incidents I've had with my family.
Unfortunately, based on my experience, there's nothing you can really say to get your family to see what's going on until they are ready to see it. It may take years for them to get to this point. The best thing you can do is to work on your side of the street.
Believe me, I used to get so consumed by anger over my sister's behavior. I even thought about hiring a PI to record her drug use. All it did was make ME sick and resentful, while she continued doing whatever she was doing. I tried to understand her motivation, but I had to realize that all the sympathy in the world wasn't going to change her behavior one bit.
I'm 100% certain that your sister and my sister are enduring tremendous pain. I'm certain that they've developed rather unhealthy mechanisms to deal with that pain. But until they are willing to make the changes they need to make to live a happier, healthier life, unless they are willing to be open to that possibility, there's really nothing to say, IMHO.
I've also let go of the notion that _I_ have to be the savior, that _I_ have to be the one who fixes things. My sister is very unlikely to listen to the people that she's closest to, but she may be willing to listen to a stranger or a recent friend because she doesn't have to immediately go on the defensive.
Others with more experience will chime in, and perhaps their advice will differ. Take what you need, and let go of the rest. Welcome to SR.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome.
I really strongly suggest you find an Al-Anon group and start attending. It will help a lot in terms of making peace with yourself -- folks in Al-Anon really get it. We do, here, too.
Glad you're here.
I really strongly suggest you find an Al-Anon group and start attending. It will help a lot in terms of making peace with yourself -- folks in Al-Anon really get it. We do, here, too.
Glad you're here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It is sad watching our loved ones drift farther into alcoholism and it’s so hurtful to watch the enablers who surround them.
I agree, al-anon will help you understand that its ok to be the “healthy one” in the family.
I would also suggest that you learn about detaching with love. You said your peace to your sister and that’s that, no need to continue to rehash it with anyone.
You continue to be the healthy one and show your sisters children a more healthy way to approach life.
I agree, al-anon will help you understand that its ok to be the “healthy one” in the family.
I would also suggest that you learn about detaching with love. You said your peace to your sister and that’s that, no need to continue to rehash it with anyone.
You continue to be the healthy one and show your sisters children a more healthy way to approach life.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Birgitte, my sister was (is) an A as well. She drinks every day now, but not as much as her worst. When her marriage broke, in part because of her drinking, she got much worse. She had 2 boys and both moved in with their father. Even losing her kids didn't stop her.
Of course we tried to guide her to help for her addiction but there was nothing we could do if she refused. And she would lie outright about it.
Its sad and frustrating, and I wish it was different. You can't do anything for her now, but I'm sure you can be there for her children.
Of course we tried to guide her to help for her addiction but there was nothing we could do if she refused. And she would lie outright about it.
Its sad and frustrating, and I wish it was different. You can't do anything for her now, but I'm sure you can be there for her children.
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Winnetka. ca
Posts: 30
You aren't alone
Hi ,
We are all here because we suffer from the disease of alcoholism in our lives and it's affects on our family. You are not alone, I feel for you being around that much denial but the truth is that your sisters problems are painful but there's hope here. If the children are truly at risk, that's when you get involved but the rest of it you can maybe release and focus on your own life, just for today.
It's hard and a daily struggle for me to see my son's disease honestly and not make excuses for him or make up fantasies that we can be "normal"... Ha!
Find some peace for yourself today, be kind to YOU.
We are all here because we suffer from the disease of alcoholism in our lives and it's affects on our family. You are not alone, I feel for you being around that much denial but the truth is that your sisters problems are painful but there's hope here. If the children are truly at risk, that's when you get involved but the rest of it you can maybe release and focus on your own life, just for today.
It's hard and a daily struggle for me to see my son's disease honestly and not make excuses for him or make up fantasies that we can be "normal"... Ha!
Find some peace for yourself today, be kind to YOU.
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