rigger4343

I am just writing to vent.....

I am new to these forums and have read some here and there. Only made a couple of post in the recent past but felt compelled to come back and just vent.

It has been two or three months sense my wife's last drinking spell and I really thought that after this last one, she had seen the light and really wanted to change. Well I guess I was wrong again and from what I have been told and read here, I will be wrong more in the future.

My wife is such an awesome person but she has a hard past that got her into drinking. And when she drinks, it is so bad for her.

She refuses any outside help at all no matter how much I say I will do anything with her. I have warned that I am not sure how long I can just sit back and watch but that seems to not have much effect other than her telling me I can not leave her. She has absolutely no family here and would truly be alone with out me.

And the kids... Her daughter's father is not around and lives on the other side of the world so he is no help. Her daughter has asked me what would happen to her if we were to split up and it is heart breaking for me to have this conversation with a 10 year old.

On top of this, I am fixing to have to start a new battle with my ex-wife because of the unstable environment that she is exposing my 11 year old daughter to.

Both of these kids are with us full time and I may try to keep mine permanently due to her mother's poor choices.

I am trying to stay strong for everyone but it seems to be a challenge at times. My wife wants me to support her and I do but not with the drinking. The kids look to me, especially her daughter, because I am like the rock in the house I guess. Her daughter told me tonight that she was impressed with how strong I was and how I tried to be there for everyone. But sometimes I dont feel very strong.

I am guessing my wife is planning on skipping out of work tomorrow and she asked me if I would stay home with her.

She asked me to do this once before and I told her I would but only if we went to explore resources to help with recovery. She refused to do that so I did not stay home with her.

So my answer this time was the same as last time. I told her no.
Is that wrong of me to do so? Should I stay with her or is that doing nothing more than saying it is okay to drink and I will still be here?

We dont have a bad house at all. When my wife does not drink, we are all very happy and have a wonderful time. We really do. I love my wife a lot and she is perfect in so many ways but the drinking is wearing me down.

She has at times gone for over a year in complete control but it seems lately the time between drinking spells is getting shorter and it seems like the drinking itself is actually getting more severe.

I have learned that the only thing I can do is when she drinks, to just stay out of her way and try not to even talk with her. It is hard but it seems to be the best thing for me to do in this house.

I am having a hard time now with trusting her too. (Some of that could be due to my ex-wife, but that is another story.)

I wish I could get her to try some outside help but she won't. At the suggestion of some here I have thought more about getting some support for myself but being able to get out of the house to do it is tuff. Or I should say finding the time between work, kids, school and just trying to keep an eye on things.

I have a neighbor that went through recover a long time ago and it saved is marriage. He now helps others recover and I was thinking of just sitting on his tailgate and talking with him. He does not know of my wife's drinking but I think he would be good for me to talk to. He is a great guy.

Well I guess my venting is over for the moment. I just wanted to write.

LexieCat

I think you definitely need some support in your life. I'd really, REALLY recommend Al-Anon. It isn't a huge time commitment--an hour a week. The kids are probably old enough for Alateen if there is one nearby, and they could attend that while you are at your meeting.

Your neighbor might be very good to talk with.

And as for staying home tomorrow, I wouldn't give it a second thought. She isn't interested in recovery, so I'd drop the bargaining and just tell her you have to work. Staying home with her when she drinks IS a form of enabling.

If you can't get the kids to Alanon, I'd talk with their school counselor about what's going on. That might be a big help in explaining to them what's going on with Mom/Stepmom.

Glad you're here--hope you will stick around. Read as much as you can--learn as much as you can about alcoholism and about tools like detachment and boundaries. They aren't a long-term solution but can make life more bearable until you're able to figure out how you want your future to look.

FeelingGreat

Hi Rigger, I suggest you make time, deliberately, with whatever arrangements you have to put in place, to get some support. By all means talk to your neighbour if you think it will help, or find a counsellor or Al-Anon. Fit the oxygen mask to yourself first.

Your wife seems so much in denial you may have to leave her before she really takes recovery seriously. Her having a bad experience every now and then won't do the trick. Memory fades quickly when you want it to, and the craving returns. I'm speaking from experience here.

LexieCat

I just want to add that even your leaving won't necessarily "do the trick." Because only she can decide that she wants to be sober and do the hard work to get there and stay there. It's not a "trick" that you have to figure out. But it's certainly easier for her to conclude that she's "not that bad" when you continually accommodate her drinking. For some alcoholics it takes years--decades, even--and many, many losses in their life before they decide to get sober. And some never get there.