Casseopia

There's a post I read here on someone's else's thread which has been playing on my mind for a few days. It really struck a chord with me about perspective.

Written by Atalose: He didn’t break up with you, you kicked him out and he stopped the cycle of come here go away typical toxic relationship with an alcoholic.

You are not the VICTIM you are the survivor wanting to play the role of victim. End quote.

It's been very traumatic finding out my husband was a secret multiple addict and having sex with men behind my back but I am trying to find new ways to see the situation and cope with my feelings which are pretty overwhelming sometimes.

Sometimes I genuinely do forget that it was me who finished the marriage. When I got the anonymous note through my door telling me about the secret sex with men, I immediately packed his bags. When he came home I asked him to leave which he did. I took him back into the house for a short while because I suggested he needed rehab and I could see he was spiralling out of control. I supported him while he applied to rehab. I told him, as he tried to save our marriage, that I would never trust him again.

Hearing that he's just moved in with crazy girl he met in rehab and is apparently planning on marrying her (we're not divorced yet) has somehow thrown me into victim mode. I feel furious, rejected, jealous and very hurt. In some ways it's irrational to be feeling those things when you consider the circumstances but as we all know, feelings can be irrational.

I need to remind myself, over and over, that it was me that walked away. We did have some back and forth and there were times when I wanted to be with him again but essentially I laid it out at the start; we're over and I will never trust you again. I should take it as a gift that he's not at my door asking to come back because I have had a lot of weak moments where I might have thrown caution to the wind and regretted it.

So thank you atalose. Your original comment was not meant for me but it has resonated with me and helped to shift my perspective a little.

I am not the victim. I am a survivor. I need to stay out of victim mode.

LexieCat

Attagirl! Do not underestimate the power of perspective--looking at a problem the RIGHT way often leads to solutions.

Casseopia

I hope so. I've felt a shift since I reminded myself I left him. His new relationship made me feel like I'd been rejected. But I wasn't.

honeypig

Wow, Cass, great post!

freetosmile2

Fantastic post...
I actually saw that I had referred to myself as a victim in a previous post...wished I had went back to edit that one.

We are only victims if we CHOOSE to be...simple as that....

Jo2017

Cass - you are getting stronger! You're giving me hope that I can get there too someday--proud of you!!

firebolt

And give yourself a big pat on the back for it as well!!!

I felt like a victim in the majority of my relationships between addiction and cheating....COMPLETELY blind to the fact that I chose them, I chose to live with them and love them and I chose to stay far past the expiration date.

This place is an eye-opening God-send isn't it?!

LexieCat

I think it's a bit different when there's abuse going on, just because it very literally messes with your ability to think clearly and act in your own interests. But certainly it's possible to move ON from victimhood to empowerment.

Casseopia

Thank you Jo. You wouldn't say that if you'd seen me sobbing non stop for the past week. But one thing my husband has said in the past is that is that recovery is a full time job. Well recovering from the hurricane of addiction also feels like a full time job.

Pondering that quote and remembering I left him and not the other way round feels like a little breakthrough.

I guess that's what recovering and healing is: a series of little breakthroughs that add up to a shifted perspective.

How are you doing today Jo?

Casseopia

Yes, yes and yes!!! I am so glad I found you all. I felt like I was drowning the day I found this forum.

We can't know we have a role to play in bad relationships until we figure it out. Then once we've seen it, we can't unsee.

No blame, no recriminations, it's all a learning curve.

Hugs to you.

Jo2017

Hi Cass- been feeling a little more like myself--thanks for checking on me! End of year school schedules have me running double time & not time for SR--hopefully all of this activity will translate to better sleep. Hope you have a good weekend!

FireSprite

What a great post Cass!

You are SO right about the irrationality of it all. Remember also that your feelings are likely based on your old perceptions/expectations..... like, maybe you're angry because you perceive he is giving to this new relationship what he wasn't willing to do in yours..... but the REALITY is more likely that he's sinking deeper into his dysfunction & surrounding himself with ways to soften the fall. More will be revealed no matter what, right?

Casseopia

Thanks FireSprite. Yes you're right - part of the hurt is that someone else gets the sober version of him. He probably isn't as healed or recovered as I think he is... although he did three months of rehab in a really well known and renowned rehab centre, then three more months in secondary rehab and then a few months in a halfway house with just over a year clean now. So although it's years and years of addiction and trauma for him to deal with, I can't help but imagine he's got to be somewhat on a better path.

She, on the other hand (crazy rehab girl) sounds pretty unhinged. So if that's what he's attracted to right now, perhaps he's not that far into recovery.

Casseopia

Good, I am glad you're feeling a bit better. You're doing amazingly well.

Keep on the good path and keep checking in when you can.