Attended my first Al Anon meeting today!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: manchester
Posts: 128
Attended my first Al Anon meeting today!
Hi!
There were about ten of us there.
It reminded me of this forum very much, but in real life and not on line.
Everyone took it in turns to share parts of their story with the group and just like people on the forum had said everyone was very welcoming and kind.
I did feel better for having gone but i get just as much from reading people's posts on here. I will go back but i wonder if i might need therapy instead ?
I went because my father died of alcoholism when i was 14 and i keep getting involved with alcoholic men. I'm 50 now and need help to stop repeating history.
Any advice would be great x
There were about ten of us there.
It reminded me of this forum very much, but in real life and not on line.
Everyone took it in turns to share parts of their story with the group and just like people on the forum had said everyone was very welcoming and kind.
I did feel better for having gone but i get just as much from reading people's posts on here. I will go back but i wonder if i might need therapy instead ?
I went because my father died of alcoholism when i was 14 and i keep getting involved with alcoholic men. I'm 50 now and need help to stop repeating history.
Any advice would be great x
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
well good for you! i do hope you continue to attend a few more meetings, say maybe about 6 and then decide if it's a good fit. try a few different meetings - each group has their own flavor, core group of members, location.
there is nothing wrong with combining meetings AND therapy AND SR! try it all on for size!!! figure out what works FOR YOU! that is part of how we write NEW chapters!
there is nothing wrong with combining meetings AND therapy AND SR! try it all on for size!!! figure out what works FOR YOU! that is part of how we write NEW chapters!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
A sponsor is someone who has worked the Steps with a sponsor of her own, who will guide you as you work them. A sponsor is sort of like a mentor for your own program.
All you have to do is to ask around at meetings. Or you can just approach someone who seems to "have what you want"--serenity, a sane life, and ask her. Don't ever feel bad if someone says no--it's not anything personal. Some people have other commitments, including other sponsees, and might not feel they have the time to give you the proper attention.
You can change sponsors any time if it turns out not to be a great "fit"--different people have different styles. Most sponsors will have you doing some reading in the Al-Anon literature, and will meet with you once a week or once every couple of weeks to do Step work or just talk. A sponsor isn't a therapist--she is just someone who will guide you as you do your own work.
All you have to do is to ask around at meetings. Or you can just approach someone who seems to "have what you want"--serenity, a sane life, and ask her. Don't ever feel bad if someone says no--it's not anything personal. Some people have other commitments, including other sponsees, and might not feel they have the time to give you the proper attention.
You can change sponsors any time if it turns out not to be a great "fit"--different people have different styles. Most sponsors will have you doing some reading in the Al-Anon literature, and will meet with you once a week or once every couple of weeks to do Step work or just talk. A sponsor isn't a therapist--she is just someone who will guide you as you do your own work.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by spookyboo22 
Something i thought was a bit odd ,that no one there had heard of SoberRecovery!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: manchester
Posts: 128
Thank you Lexiecat!
I like the idea of this. I will go to a few different meetings and see who i come across.
You are right of course not everyone is into online stuff . I did tell everyone to have a peek.
Hopefully they will remember x
I like the idea of this. I will go to a few different meetings and see who i come across.
You are right of course not everyone is into online stuff . I did tell everyone to have a peek.
Hopefully they will remember x
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by spookyboo22
I will go back but i wonder if i might need therapy instead ?
I'm not really surprised that they hadn't heard about SR... I mean SR F&F members do recommend Al-Anon or Celebrate Recovery, or other resources, but it's not directly affiliated with either program.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Originally Posted by spookyboo22
Fly N Buy I don't know anything about this.
How do i get a sponsor? Can you tell me a bit about what's involved
Thanks x
How do i get a sponsor? Can you tell me a bit about what's involved
Thanks x
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/the-twelve-steps
As LC posted, a sponsor is a person who has gone through the steps and can help others.
Best of luck
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I used Celebrate Recovery for another tool in my toolbox, but it never could have taken the place of counseling and this forum. CR is a lot like Alanon. So I think it's important to have those face to face contacts, my CR friends are life long people who I could depend on in a second. However, I do think when it's really time to work on you, it's time for a good counselor!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by spookyboo22
Something i thought was a bit odd ,that no one there had heard of SoberRecovery!
This used to annoy me no end, since in my opinion, there is a TON of great recovery material that does NOT come from Alanon. Then, through further reading and some meetings where this was a topic of discussion, I came to understand that Alanon, like AA, doesn't wish to "dilute" its own specific message and methods. Yes, they say "take what you like and leave the rest", but they DO NOT say "bring what you like..."
For me, Alanon and SR together made a good combination--each has its own strong points, and each contributed things that the other couldn't. As mentioned, though, some people just don't get much out of an online situation, and so for them Alanon is even more of a lifeline.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: manchester
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by honeypig
One of the things I've found in every single Alanon meeting I've attended is that they want to stick to "CAL"--Conference-Approved Literature--and do not allow talk during the meetings about anything that is from a non-Alanon source. What is discussed outside the actual hour of the meeting, of course, is up to the individual.
This used to annoy me no end, since in my opinion, there is a TON of great recovery material that does NOT come from Alanon. Then, through further reading and some meetings where this was a topic of discussion, I came to understand that Alanon, like AA, doesn't wish to "dilute" its own specific message and methods. Yes, they say "take what you like and leave the rest", but they DO NOT say "bring what you like..."
For me, Alanon and SR together made a good combination--each has its own strong points, and each contributed things that the other couldn't. As mentioned, though, some people just don't get much out of an online situation, and so for them Alanon is even more of a lifeline.
This used to annoy me no end, since in my opinion, there is a TON of great recovery material that does NOT come from Alanon. Then, through further reading and some meetings where this was a topic of discussion, I came to understand that Alanon, like AA, doesn't wish to "dilute" its own specific message and methods. Yes, they say "take what you like and leave the rest", but they DO NOT say "bring what you like..."
For me, Alanon and SR together made a good combination--each has its own strong points, and each contributed things that the other couldn't. As mentioned, though, some people just don't get much out of an online situation, and so for them Alanon is even more of a lifeline.
You put into words how i felt but couldn't articulate
I probably made a faux pas by even mentioning SR . I found it frustrating that when someone finished speaking , responding was not allowed. I cottoned on to that quite quick. This is probably why i couldn't see a difference in an Al anon meeting and an on line forum like this.
I really thought discussion would be a great help in a meeting as different people have different attitudes and ways of dealing with things x
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Sb,
Good for you for reaching out. In my early recovery, I was doing 2 alanon meetings, 2 open aa meetings a week, plus SR every night. I needed a lot of help.
I work at a church and we host 8 meetings a week of aa and alanon meetings. I had a women in the other day who was 15 years sober, she was looking to meet with someone she sponsors before her meeting. I told her I was a grateful member of alanon and understood trying to work her program and find time to sponsor people. I also mentioned SR to her, as she never heard of it. I told her it was a great 24 hour online support group. She took the name and thanked me for the info. I believe the only way I got out of my deep dark hole was because I chose to do the work, what ever it took, I wanted what "they had"!!
I am attending a funeral today and this women said she would also be attending. (The women that died, was a spouse of a long time aa member at the church) if I see her today, I am going to ask her if she had a chance to check out the forum and what she thought, and if she would recommend it at any of her after meetings. Will see what she says.
Good luck my friend, give it a few more meetings.
Good for you for reaching out. In my early recovery, I was doing 2 alanon meetings, 2 open aa meetings a week, plus SR every night. I needed a lot of help.
I work at a church and we host 8 meetings a week of aa and alanon meetings. I had a women in the other day who was 15 years sober, she was looking to meet with someone she sponsors before her meeting. I told her I was a grateful member of alanon and understood trying to work her program and find time to sponsor people. I also mentioned SR to her, as she never heard of it. I told her it was a great 24 hour online support group. She took the name and thanked me for the info. I believe the only way I got out of my deep dark hole was because I chose to do the work, what ever it took, I wanted what "they had"!!
I am attending a funeral today and this women said she would also be attending. (The women that died, was a spouse of a long time aa member at the church) if I see her today, I am going to ask her if she had a chance to check out the forum and what she thought, and if she would recommend it at any of her after meetings. Will see what she says.
Good luck my friend, give it a few more meetings.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Regarding Alanon and the type of direct discussion that you are looking for, your observation is absolutely accurate--the meetings are NOT the place for one-on-one chat. It's not that Alanon doesn't address this, just that the meetings are for more general sharing of personal experience of ALL group members, usually organized along a topic, step or other theme for that meeting.
Meetings that I have been to are always structured to try to give everyone there a chance to speak if he/she wishes--can you imagine the difficulty of doing that if people were directly responding to each other's sharing? It would be easy for the meeting to spend the entire hour on one person's share, and where does that leave the rest of the group?
But again, I understand your frustration w/that, as I felt it myself. As mentioned, one of the ways this can be addressed is by getting a sponsor. There are a couple different ways to go about this. Some meetings I've been to have it marked on the phone list who is willing/able to sponsor newcomers. Other times, as someone else mentioned, sponsoring is a simple matter of picking someone who seems to you to embody what you want out of your own recovery and ask that person if they would be able to sponsor you. (Same-sex sponsors are the norm.) I've heard that some folks will make a short list of sponsor possibilities, then ask each of the potential sponsors out for a cup of coffee a time or two, during which they get to know each other a little bit. After they know each other better, then the sponsor request will be made to the person the new member feels will be the best choice.
If the person you ask turns you down, don't take it personally. As someone else mentioned, they may be overloaded in their personal and/or recovery life and unable to be there for anyone else right now. Another thing--it's perfectly acceptable to make a "temporary sponsorship" agreement, where you both decide to give it a try for 3 months or 6 months and then assess how well it is or isn't working. That would be one way to avoid some of the fear of committing to someone you may not know all that well.
And aside from sponsorship, there are other ways to get to talk w/people from the program one-on-one. Arriving early to help set up for the meeting, staying late to help put away chairs and clean up, contacting members from the phone list and asking "do you want to meet for coffee? would you like to go to the park and take a walk?"--anything along those lines will help you make friends and allow you to have more in-depth discussion about recovery. Some meetings will have a "meeting after the meeting", where members go to a local eatery and get coffee and maybe a sweet treat; you could certainly get involved w/something like that, or you could suggest it, too!
As you've seen, Alanon people tend to be friendly, kind, good-hearted folks, and very approachable. I think if you're able to try a few different meetings and have the courage to put yourself out there and make some contacts, you'll find what you're looking for.
If it makes you feel any better, it took me a while to see exactly how Alanon helped, too. Reading Alanon books helped me understand how the program works. Amazon has a TON of used books for very reasonable prices. Two I would recommend to start with are "How Alanon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics" and "Paths to Recovery."
That got lengthy, but I really do feel that Alanon has a place in recovery for many people. For me, it was not the ONLY thing I needed, and it may not be for you either, but in my opinion, it definitely has something to offer and I'd hate to see that get missed b/c of unanswered questions.
Meetings that I have been to are always structured to try to give everyone there a chance to speak if he/she wishes--can you imagine the difficulty of doing that if people were directly responding to each other's sharing? It would be easy for the meeting to spend the entire hour on one person's share, and where does that leave the rest of the group?
But again, I understand your frustration w/that, as I felt it myself. As mentioned, one of the ways this can be addressed is by getting a sponsor. There are a couple different ways to go about this. Some meetings I've been to have it marked on the phone list who is willing/able to sponsor newcomers. Other times, as someone else mentioned, sponsoring is a simple matter of picking someone who seems to you to embody what you want out of your own recovery and ask that person if they would be able to sponsor you. (Same-sex sponsors are the norm.) I've heard that some folks will make a short list of sponsor possibilities, then ask each of the potential sponsors out for a cup of coffee a time or two, during which they get to know each other a little bit. After they know each other better, then the sponsor request will be made to the person the new member feels will be the best choice.
If the person you ask turns you down, don't take it personally. As someone else mentioned, they may be overloaded in their personal and/or recovery life and unable to be there for anyone else right now. Another thing--it's perfectly acceptable to make a "temporary sponsorship" agreement, where you both decide to give it a try for 3 months or 6 months and then assess how well it is or isn't working. That would be one way to avoid some of the fear of committing to someone you may not know all that well.
And aside from sponsorship, there are other ways to get to talk w/people from the program one-on-one. Arriving early to help set up for the meeting, staying late to help put away chairs and clean up, contacting members from the phone list and asking "do you want to meet for coffee? would you like to go to the park and take a walk?"--anything along those lines will help you make friends and allow you to have more in-depth discussion about recovery. Some meetings will have a "meeting after the meeting", where members go to a local eatery and get coffee and maybe a sweet treat; you could certainly get involved w/something like that, or you could suggest it, too!
As you've seen, Alanon people tend to be friendly, kind, good-hearted folks, and very approachable. I think if you're able to try a few different meetings and have the courage to put yourself out there and make some contacts, you'll find what you're looking for.
If it makes you feel any better, it took me a while to see exactly how Alanon helped, too. Reading Alanon books helped me understand how the program works. Amazon has a TON of used books for very reasonable prices. Two I would recommend to start with are "How Alanon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics" and "Paths to Recovery."
That got lengthy, but I really do feel that Alanon has a place in recovery for many people. For me, it was not the ONLY thing I needed, and it may not be for you either, but in my opinion, it definitely has something to offer and I'd hate to see that get missed b/c of unanswered questions.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
You mentioned that your father died from alcoholism. I have gotten a LOT out of ACOA - Adult Children of Alcoholics. It's for anyone who grew up in homes that were affected by a parent's alcoholism/addiction, and also for people who grew up in dysfunctional homes. It's a 12-step program related to Al-Anon and AA.
I think Al-Anon is great for when you're dealing with an alcoholic loved one, but ACOA really delves deeper into your own patterns, etc that developed in your childhood to cope, which can lead to issues in adulthood.
You can get the Big Red Book of ACOA on Kindle for something like $10, and for me it's been very worth it. You might also be able to find in-person meetings near where you live.
I think Al-Anon is great for when you're dealing with an alcoholic loved one, but ACOA really delves deeper into your own patterns, etc that developed in your childhood to cope, which can lead to issues in adulthood.
You can get the Big Red Book of ACOA on Kindle for something like $10, and for me it's been very worth it. You might also be able to find in-person meetings near where you live.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
HP did a great job of explaining why meetings are set up the way they are. Al-Anon and AA will be the first to say they don't have a corner on what's helpful in recovery--I'm eight years sober based on AA recovery and wisdom I've picked up in other places (including SR). But I respect AA's wish to keep AA meetings focused on AA principles. In that program, for some people it's literally a matter of life and death because AA may work where other methods have not.
Al-Anon may not be quite as much a matter of literal life-and-death for most people, but it, too, maintains a focus on its 12-Step program. So if I want to share stuff I've learned elsewhere, I'd save it for outside-the-meeting conversations.
Al-Anon may not be quite as much a matter of literal life-and-death for most people, but it, too, maintains a focus on its 12-Step program. So if I want to share stuff I've learned elsewhere, I'd save it for outside-the-meeting conversations.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 40
Hi spookyboo22,
I attended what I am calling my "first" Al-Anon meeting this past week too. I went once, over a year ago when my AH first started AA. It just didn't seem like the right fit for me, so I didn't go back. This time, with SR's support, I went to a different meeting. I felt much more comfortable at this one. It was half the size of the previous group and thinking back, perhaps that's why I felt more comfortable. It was much less intimidating. I plan on going back to this meeting and I will be looking into another meeting also.
I can see that listening and sharing is helpful, but I too wonder if it's enough. Thank you for your post, the comments in this thread have been very helpful to me.
I attended what I am calling my "first" Al-Anon meeting this past week too. I went once, over a year ago when my AH first started AA. It just didn't seem like the right fit for me, so I didn't go back. This time, with SR's support, I went to a different meeting. I felt much more comfortable at this one. It was half the size of the previous group and thinking back, perhaps that's why I felt more comfortable. It was much less intimidating. I plan on going back to this meeting and I will be looking into another meeting also.
I can see that listening and sharing is helpful, but I too wonder if it's enough. Thank you for your post, the comments in this thread have been very helpful to me.
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