After rehab Questions
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After rehab Questions
My son has asked me these questions. I do not care and have no idea but he does
His dad came out of rehab last Friday and since then my son has hung out with him several times always with friends he made in rehab. His dad also told him he is moving to be nearer these friends and is putting his house on the market very soon.
My son asked me if he is more likely to relapse when his only buddies are recovering alcoholics/still drinking alcoholics or at the same stage of recovery as he is who he sees socially everyday and is going on holiday with? He thinks his dad needs to change his lifestyle and move on from them. I told him who his dad is friends with is none of his or my business but I can see my son is looking for a reason as to why his dad appears to be drinking again already. It's not cos the friends...I know that cos he drinks...end of. ... but as I have no idea what advice is given to newly sober alcoholics when coming out of rehab I don't know whether his associations are going make his recovery easier, worse or the same. Any sober alcoholics with insight please chime in so I can put this to bed with my son once and for all.
ps he has no sponsor and he doesn't go to AA.
His dad came out of rehab last Friday and since then my son has hung out with him several times always with friends he made in rehab. His dad also told him he is moving to be nearer these friends and is putting his house on the market very soon.
My son asked me if he is more likely to relapse when his only buddies are recovering alcoholics/still drinking alcoholics or at the same stage of recovery as he is who he sees socially everyday and is going on holiday with? He thinks his dad needs to change his lifestyle and move on from them. I told him who his dad is friends with is none of his or my business but I can see my son is looking for a reason as to why his dad appears to be drinking again already. It's not cos the friends...I know that cos he drinks...end of. ... but as I have no idea what advice is given to newly sober alcoholics when coming out of rehab I don't know whether his associations are going make his recovery easier, worse or the same. Any sober alcoholics with insight please chime in so I can put this to bed with my son once and for all.
ps he has no sponsor and he doesn't go to AA.
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Lb,
I am not a sober alcoholic, but thought I would chime in. How old is your son? He is obviously aware of dads issues. Does he see a therapist or could he go to alateen? Sounds like he knows a lot of what is going on in dads life.
It is so hard to follow or believe what an addict is doing or saying. It's very early in his "recovery". Not sure what the statistics are about staying sober after rehab, but I don't think they are good. He could have just meet a new group of drinking buddies in rehab, you never know.
Try and keep your son away from dads issues, as you don't want him to be consumed and constantly worrying about him. Dad is an adult and should be able to take care of himself. Keep moving forward in a positive way, and give dad to God to watch over.
I am not a sober alcoholic, but thought I would chime in. How old is your son? He is obviously aware of dads issues. Does he see a therapist or could he go to alateen? Sounds like he knows a lot of what is going on in dads life.
It is so hard to follow or believe what an addict is doing or saying. It's very early in his "recovery". Not sure what the statistics are about staying sober after rehab, but I don't think they are good. He could have just meet a new group of drinking buddies in rehab, you never know.
Try and keep your son away from dads issues, as you don't want him to be consumed and constantly worrying about him. Dad is an adult and should be able to take care of himself. Keep moving forward in a positive way, and give dad to God to watch over.
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I don't know what is advised after rehab, but in AA the standard advice is to "stick with the winners"--people with long-term sobriety and who are living the way you want to live. Not that you shouldn't socialize with the more newly sober, but most of your time should be spent around those who fill sort of a role model position, if you know what I mean.
People who really aren't that into sobriety or are newly sober are much more likely to drag down another newly sober person with them.
But dad's choices are his own, and son shouldn't feel it's his job to manage his dad.
People who really aren't that into sobriety or are newly sober are much more likely to drag down another newly sober person with them.
But dad's choices are his own, and son shouldn't feel it's his job to manage his dad.
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How old is your son? He is obviously aware of dads issues. Does he see a therapist or could he go to alateen? Sounds like he knows a lot of what is going on in dads life.
My son is just 18 but is disabled so not able to be independent in his dealings with his dad but old enough that I have no say in if he does. He is waiting for the shoe to drop cos it always does and says his dad is a part time one. His sister visited today and said more like a once in every blue moon dad.
He's never been to alateen as he hates any sort of group activities but he does know a lot about alcohol abuse and how living with it affected his life. He hasn't reached a stage of total detachment tho his twin brother has.
His dad disappears when drinking and pops up again for short periods when he has just got out of his latest rehab. It takes him 4 weeks to disappear and you could set a watch to his drinking schedule. I can't stop my son worrying about him. He just does. His twin brother is moving away at some point to live with his adult siblings and I am hoping he goes with him. It would give him a normal life away from his dad's issues and even tho I will miss them it would be best for them. It's not happening yet tho and won't for a year or so.
My son is just 18 but is disabled so not able to be independent in his dealings with his dad but old enough that I have no say in if he does. He is waiting for the shoe to drop cos it always does and says his dad is a part time one. His sister visited today and said more like a once in every blue moon dad.
He's never been to alateen as he hates any sort of group activities but he does know a lot about alcohol abuse and how living with it affected his life. He hasn't reached a stage of total detachment tho his twin brother has.
His dad disappears when drinking and pops up again for short periods when he has just got out of his latest rehab. It takes him 4 weeks to disappear and you could set a watch to his drinking schedule. I can't stop my son worrying about him. He just does. His twin brother is moving away at some point to live with his adult siblings and I am hoping he goes with him. It would give him a normal life away from his dad's issues and even tho I will miss them it would be best for them. It's not happening yet tho and won't for a year or so.
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I don't know what is advised after rehab, but in AA the standard advice is to "stick with the winners"--people with long-term sobriety and who are living the way you want to live. Not that you shouldn't socialize with the more newly sober, but most of your time should be spent around those who fill sort of a role model position, if you know what I mean.
People who really aren't that into sobriety or are newly sober are much more likely to drag down another newly sober person with them.
But dad's choices are his own, and son shouldn't feel it's his job to manage his dad.
I think my son has worked out that his dad just gets a new set of drinking buddies each time he goes in rehab and has never had a long term sober role model in his life...not ever. Looking back all his buddies drank to excess. He never ever been friends with teetotal or moderate drinkers. My son's questioning was really him putting it out there he is worried about is dad cos he knows this latest bout of rehab was another waste of time.
As I said to Maia nothing I say stops him worrying so my plan is to make sure his life is full enough to distract him. Also the move to his siblings will help if he agrees to go. He will be miles away in a nice town near a college he can go to and among his close knit siblings. Away from the toxic mix of his dad and his cronies.
People who really aren't that into sobriety or are newly sober are much more likely to drag down another newly sober person with them.
But dad's choices are his own, and son shouldn't feel it's his job to manage his dad.
I think my son has worked out that his dad just gets a new set of drinking buddies each time he goes in rehab and has never had a long term sober role model in his life...not ever. Looking back all his buddies drank to excess. He never ever been friends with teetotal or moderate drinkers. My son's questioning was really him putting it out there he is worried about is dad cos he knows this latest bout of rehab was another waste of time.
As I said to Maia nothing I say stops him worrying so my plan is to make sure his life is full enough to distract him. Also the move to his siblings will help if he agrees to go. He will be miles away in a nice town near a college he can go to and among his close knit siblings. Away from the toxic mix of his dad and his cronies.
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Have you suggested al-anon to your son? Suggest to your son to do some research on alcoholism and addict behaviors.
Explain to him that rehab is just a tool, an opportunity to detox get sober and learn new tools to stay that way. An after care plan is extremely important like attending AA everyday and working a program. Often it's suggested that if someone really wants to change their lives then they may need to change people, places and things. Like not hang out with drinking buddies, not hang out in a bar or places they used to drink. Change rituals that may have lead to drinking. But the biggest part your son needs to understand is that his dad really has to want to quit in order to stay sober. This is where al-anon can be a great benefit to him.
Explain to him that rehab is just a tool, an opportunity to detox get sober and learn new tools to stay that way. An after care plan is extremely important like attending AA everyday and working a program. Often it's suggested that if someone really wants to change their lives then they may need to change people, places and things. Like not hang out with drinking buddies, not hang out in a bar or places they used to drink. Change rituals that may have lead to drinking. But the biggest part your son needs to understand is that his dad really has to want to quit in order to stay sober. This is where al-anon can be a great benefit to him.
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Yeah, I think atalose makes a good point. If he doesn't want to go to Al-Anon, he could go to a few open AA meetings--where he wouldn't be expected to share, but simply listen. It might be good for him to hear it from someone, other than you, that his dad's sobriety depends entirely on his dad's personal commitment, and that there's nothing he can do to steer him to a better lifestyle.
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Logically he knows that the rehab is just to learn coping skills and his dad has to want to implement that every single day for the rest of his life. The sticking point comes when he knows his dad doesn't want recovery and he cannot understand why that is. To hm is a straight forward choice between drinking or not but he's autistic so he see things very black and white.
I've suggest AA to him and alanon and alateen but he won't go to any. I think he is scared of what he might hear. He 's also just not a group person. Maybe he will go in time. He tends to think about things for ages and then does them.
I've suggest AA to him and alanon and alateen but he won't go to any. I think he is scared of what he might hear. He 's also just not a group person. Maybe he will go in time. He tends to think about things for ages and then does them.
A work in progress
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The reason I suggested an AA meeting is that there, there's no expectation he would have to do anything but listen. No "participation" required. In fact, it's usually discouraged for visitors to share at an AA meeting. I'm suggesting it because it might shed a bit of light on why people like his dad keep doing the same things over and over--things they've been told not to do. Not that he will completely understand it--really, only another alcoholic can--but to see that he dad isn't unusual, that it's not that he doesn't care about him and his siblings at all, but that the addiction is so powerful that it overwhelms everything else.
Just a thought--you know your kiddo better than I do.
Just a thought--you know your kiddo better than I do.
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