Took his cards
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I would never again open a joint account with an alcoholic. After all, there's nothing to legally prevent him from cleaning out the account, or running up a huge balance on a joint credit card (or one in your name where you've made him an authorized user).
How money is handled is generally a personal decision that couples reach jointly, and it's ideally based on trust that both people will behave responsibly.
I left my second husband (who had gone back to drinking after almost dying from an alcohol-related medical condition) after he had lost his job, was doing nothing to find another (and refusing to apply for what he considered "doofus jobs"), while I was trying to find a SECOND job to support us, and he then signed a new lease on the house we were renting after I had explicitly told him not to, as we could not afford it. He was spending his "own" money (he was still receiving disability payments from his illness) on his booze habit. I told him that's it, I'm moving out, here's one month's rent and after that you're on your own.
It was a huge relief--the resentment was eating me up. He wound up finding a tiny efficiency. I eventually moved back across the country, getting my old (well-paid) job back, and after some lean years am now prospering financially. I have no idea how he's living (or how he's even still alive), but it's not my concern.
But I'd shut down any joint credit cards. The one thing worse than having him spend money you've earned on booze is having to pay interest on it.
How money is handled is generally a personal decision that couples reach jointly, and it's ideally based on trust that both people will behave responsibly.
I left my second husband (who had gone back to drinking after almost dying from an alcohol-related medical condition) after he had lost his job, was doing nothing to find another (and refusing to apply for what he considered "doofus jobs"), while I was trying to find a SECOND job to support us, and he then signed a new lease on the house we were renting after I had explicitly told him not to, as we could not afford it. He was spending his "own" money (he was still receiving disability payments from his illness) on his booze habit. I told him that's it, I'm moving out, here's one month's rent and after that you're on your own.
It was a huge relief--the resentment was eating me up. He wound up finding a tiny efficiency. I eventually moved back across the country, getting my old (well-paid) job back, and after some lean years am now prospering financially. I have no idea how he's living (or how he's even still alive), but it's not my concern.
But I'd shut down any joint credit cards. The one thing worse than having him spend money you've earned on booze is having to pay interest on it.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
MrsDarling.....I understand. It is a lot to absorb, all at once....but, over time, it will start falling into place....
Do you know how to find the "stickies"?
Do you know how to find the "stickies"?
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Mrs D I would do the same thing as you and protect myself financially at all costs. Given his financial history and alcoholism, he can't be trusted with your money.
If nothing else, it may precipitate a crisis where he gets a job (but drinks more) or decides he can't live like this. I'm sorry you're stuck in this situation where everything else is working for you on the job and money front but I don't see things would improve even if you went back to living in one place.
If nothing else, it may precipitate a crisis where he gets a job (but drinks more) or decides he can't live like this. I'm sorry you're stuck in this situation where everything else is working for you on the job and money front but I don't see things would improve even if you went back to living in one place.
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My exah squandered all our money. He never worked either. As you manage to work and move around I don't see why your husband can't too. I had to separate our accounts and give my exah and allowance every month. It was for a lot each month but he spent it all in the first week and, after endless rows in which I refused to give him anymore and in point of fact I didn't actually have anymore cos was paying all the bills and the current alcohol debt ( still am 3 years post divorce. He got the house I bought before we married but that's a whole different story ) he then arranged an overdraft with the bank and got into massive debt and blamed me for not giving him enough money. The cycle continued as the bank wanted the allowance to pay off his overdraft so he whined he had no money. THEN he tried to get a loan using my paid off house as collateral. Fortunately I had to be involve in that and I refused. So what am I saying? Well nothing works except divorce ime. In 2 years I will be debt free. It's a struggle tho. I spent quite a few sleepless nights working out how to juggle bills but at least there is no alcohol drain on the money now.
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Did you find an AlAnon meeting that you'll be able to go to MrsD? I too think that it would really help you move forward, and make boundaries that would help keep you legally, financially and emotionally safe without screwing yourself up into a ball of guilt over it. The other option that may be useful if there are meetings local to you is CoDa. Maybe take a look at their website and see if any of what you read there rings any bells for you. Their handbook was a real eye opener to me and helped me a lot.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change.
The courage to change the person I can. .
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change.
The courage to change the person I can. .
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen.
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so what was the "agreement" when you took this job that requires you to move every few months? he would just tag along?
have you considered that maybe on one of these next moves, you just go by yourself and leave him behind, or send him back to home base? if all he's going to do is drink and then drink some more, he can do that anywhere. but this situation is really wearing YOU down and your focus needs to come back around to what is best FOR YOU.
have you considered that maybe on one of these next moves, you just go by yourself and leave him behind, or send him back to home base? if all he's going to do is drink and then drink some more, he can do that anywhere. but this situation is really wearing YOU down and your focus needs to come back around to what is best FOR YOU.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
so what was the "agreement" when you took this job that requires you to move every few months? he would just tag along?
have you considered that maybe on one of these next moves, you just go by yourself and leave him behind, or send him back to home base? if all he's going to do is drink and then drink some more, he can do that anywhere. but this situation is really wearing YOU down and your focus needs to come back around to what is best FOR YOU.
have you considered that maybe on one of these next moves, you just go by yourself and leave him behind, or send him back to home base? if all he's going to do is drink and then drink some more, he can do that anywhere. but this situation is really wearing YOU down and your focus needs to come back around to what is best FOR YOU.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Originally Posted by MrsDarling
A little financial history He hasn't had a stable job our entire marriage. He would go months between jobs and only get a new one when electric was cut off, child support not paid, etc. My job alone couldn't take care of EVERYTHING. That would be ok for a while until his drinking or a health problem got in the way. Then the cycle would start over. We were about to lose our house (one I bought before we were married) my car, etc because he wasn't working and we got so far behind. I took a job making a lot more money and the opportunity to see the country. It was a job I had always wanted. We sold our house and everything we had to make it happen. We made a deal that we would do this together, he would get odd jobs and such everywhere we go. And he did halfass for a little while. But nothing the last few months. We move every 3 to 4 months. As I type this I think who in their right mind would continue this. Wth is wrong with me??
What are you getting for yourself out of this arrangement as it is? Emotionally, physically or financially? There must be a small something (maybe subconsciously) that makes this a continuous cycle. Your not happy but no change. The alcoholic has no need to change by the post information. His minimum needs are met to continue as he is. All the best, tjunction.
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