rigger4343

I was recommended to come here after posting a short story in another forum, “not sure how to help”. So here I am going to give a little more detail since it seems the place to do it.

I am trying really hard not to give up on my wife. I am looking to find more strength within myself and that is one reason why I have found my way to this forum. Not sure if it will help but I am willing to try.

So a little background on us….

Me: I am 41 years old, this is my second marriage, I have one 11 year old daughter that is with me full time and a 13 year old Chihuahua that thinks she can take on anything else with four legs.

My past: No major issues with myself. I have dealt with some pretty good issues in the past but made it through them and I am better for it.

Was with my Ex-wife for around 15 years before divorcing her. Long story short with that one is she got lazy as years went on. Got into partying a lot, got into drinking some but mainly wanting to get stoned all the time. That eventually turned into her having a guy on the side which she thought was no big deal. I tried to get her to come out and be truthful about things but that never happened and I finally ended the marriage.

My current wife is a 40 years old, awesome and a very talented person. She is Russian and has a pretty tuff background. It actually surprises me that she ever would be able to trust another man after some of the ways she has been treated in the past. She has a 10 year old daughter also with her full time.

We met close to 5 years ago. Our kids were friends and that is how we met. At first it was just friends, then it turned into a little more that eventually turned into us getting married. We moved in with each other about three and half years ago, got married about a year and half ago.

When we first met, she had stopped drinking for a while and that is how I got to know how cool she really is. Then she started drinking again but I did not think much of it at the time because we were just messing around. Then I realized how serious her issue was and started to try and help. It has been an on and off battle for years but for the most part we had it beat until this last year.

She started drinking again and this time beating it is getting harder. She hates it and wants to stop but she is so completely stubborn that I cannot get her to get any outside help at all. I would have an easier time taking a brick wall down with my teeth than getting her to try something new like counseling, an alcoholic program of some sort or anything. She does have anxiety issues that have gotten worse lately and that is followed by a touch of depression. Then she drinks a little to calm herself down but a little always turns into a lot. She hates doctors and will not go. She hates any types of pills so taking something for anxiety is out too. She wants to control, (which she can’t), or stop on her own.

Lately she has been hiding beer and wine everywhere and trying to hide her drinking. It doesn’t work and I always see it. I have learned its best not to say anything and just leave her alone when she drinks and talk with her the next day when needed. Every time we speak when she is drunk, it turns out bad and I always feel horrible. She tries to deny it but it doesn’t work and I get more upset about her lying about it than the actual drinking itself.

In my opinion, the anxiety is really her biggest issue and she reaches for a drink to calm her nerves but that is when things go bad. Stress seems to tear her apart but she wants to handle it herself.

Today has been a good with no drinking. Hopefully she will get back on track and stay on it but I am not getting my hopes up. This past year has been more stressful for her and her drinking is really wearing me down to the point of I am not sure how long I can hang in there.

I do not want to give up on her at all. She is truly an amazing person and is everything I ever wanted in a partner. But when she gets on one of these drinking spells, it can be a rough ride and lately they are getting more often, longer and more serious.

Just for an update…. I did get her to finally consider going to the doctor and talking about some meds for anxiety if that is what the doctor thinks may help.

So that’s my story for the moment. Tried to keep it to the point and not too long. Feel free to share or ask questions if you like.

Thanks alot

Maudcat

Well, it's good that she has agreed to consider going to the doctor. Keep plugging on that front. Maybe if she can get successfully treated for anxiety, the drinking will lessen. I hope so, anyway. Time will tell.

PhoenixJ

Empathy and support to you both.

NYCDoglvr

I don't know why it is but someone in the throes of addiction can hear from 100 people that they have a huge problem, are addicted, and ruining not only their lives, but the lives of those who love them and it doesn't make a difference. It's the moment when they "get it" and become willing that change can happen. A big hug....it's painful I know.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome! It's encouraging that she at least would like to quit drinking (apparently); unfortunately, until she decides for herself that she's miserable enough to try something new, this situation is likely to continue to deteriorate. Maybe the doctor can get through to her--though it's likely she won't be truthful with the doctor about her "self-medication." The other thing is that even when a person starts out drinking to self-medicate, a certain number of those people will become alcoholics, and then it becomes much more complicated than simply fixing the underlying issue that got them drinking in the first place. Alcoholism makes the alcoholic obsessed with drinking if they aren't, and makes it difficult or impossible to stop once they start. The doctor is a good first step, but has to be told about the drinking, as well--alcoholics should have their medications and responses to it carefully monitored or you could wind up with drug/alcohol interactions or an overdose.

But apart from your wife's issues, this is obviously affecting YOU. I strongly suggest you find an Al-Anon meeting. Al-Anon is specifically family and friends affected by a loved one's drinking and it can be a huge relief to talk to others dealing with the same kinds of issues. You will also learn some tools that can help make your life more manageable. In the end, YOU are the only person you are able to control. You can't fix your wife, but you can take good care of yourself. After all, you have a kiddo and a Chihuahua counting on you.

dandylion

rigger.....I would like to underline the danger of mixing anti-anxiety drugs with alcohol. This can lead to accidental overdoses...because, mixed together, the effect is greatly intensified.
Alcoholics are known to minimize the amounts of drinking, when talking with medical personnel.
Just so that you know.....

rigger4343

She uses my doctor and he already knows the situation. Thats also why i will be going with her for a visit. He is a really good doctor and he may want to do something completely different once i get her there.

I have heard one of my local churches has some great support groups so im going to look into those as well.

maia1234

Rigger,
Welcome to sr, glad you found us. I am sorry for what you have been dealing with. Like many of us on this forum, we all love an addict and would do anything to get them sober. After 34 years with my addict, I finally accepted defeat and accepted him for who he was, an addict. For 34 years I did everything humanly possible to get him to see the light. I was never blessed to see that day. I divorced him and moved on to happier days. I am not saying it was easy, it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But I did it.

I agree with lexie, I would look into alanon and help for you. What I found, was the longer I stayed with my addict, the crazier I became. (It is a family disease) Once I accepted this, went to open aa meetings, hit a therapist, my life calmed down and I had a better prospective on what I needed to do, to move forward. Hang in there my friend, there is a lot of support for you if you want to do the work. Stick around, education is power.

hopeful4

Hi and welcome. Yes, especially if your church has a Celebrate Recovery, that is something you could both go to if she is willing. It's a great program.

I second what someone else said, doctors will write a script for benzos with no problem at all. If mixed they create crazy, and can be deadly. Just a caution.

Have you thought about just printing off what you wrote and letting her read it (maybe edit a touch)? It's obvious you care for her so much and want to help her through this. Family support is big.

I caution you, she is hiding alcohol. Do not let her drive the children, that is a path of disaster. Be careful. I have a child that same age, and the effects of having an alcoholic parent has done a number on her, that's for sure. She is in counseling and that helps, but it's a tough situation.

Glad you are here.

schnappi99

I cannot stress enough how much I agree with dandylion & others above; if the doc prescribes xanax or ambien or similar and she is still drinking that is likely to turn into a living h3ll like you have never seen.

The xanax multiplies the effects of booze and can still do that days after the last dose. I watched my wife go from coherent and awake to nearly passing out in her dinner and knocking over tableware in 20 minutes after 1 glass of wine because (later to find out she was consuming quite a bit and hiding it most every day), then added the ambien prescription that she'd go from passing out and staggering while walking to angry and nasty in moments, glassy eyed, slurred brassy harrangues about how we needed to be straightening out our daughters behavior, then pass out on the couch in her clothes- night after night. Our (at the time) 9yr old did not want to be alone in the house with her and would cringe away when she came near.

I am mindful of the Alanon suggestions wrt getting involved in the alcoholics's business but I would be inclined make an exception in this case if she is not forthcoming about her alcohol use because the issue is so dangerous. A dramatic statement in the middle of the consulation is unwise I think, but some kind of warning to the doc may be of use. OTOH many of them are no better than pill pushers and they may go ahead and prescribe without regard to the consequences.

A good friend of mine in AA (dry several years now) nearly killed himself (and others) on xanax & alcohol binges that went on for a long time until it got so bad he checked himself into a detox. He told me of how he became expert and manipulating the doctors to keep his prescriptions going.

Consider she may be doing a lot of hidden drinking now, so even if she stops in front of you things may still get bad. My wife completely fooled me with the hidden drinking- and I was searching house, car etc. At the end she was drinking a bottle of wine every day.

Forward12

From my own experience with alcoholism and anxiety, no sane doc will write you anything until the drinking stops as mental health (and most medication) and alcohol do not mix.
Hopefully she at least goes to the docs, but given that ultimatum she likely will hear, unfortunately it's almost a guarantee she's going to pick the booze.
Alanon also I think is a great place for you to start attending for your own sanity.

rigger4343

Thanks again everyone. Today has been good. No drinking at least than I am aware of and normally I can tell very quickly if she has even had one drink just by the way she stands.

Her daughter had a talk with her the other day and I think it was really good my wife hearing this coming from her own daughter and not me.

At this very moment, she is at the other end of the house practicing music with her daughter and they are great.

I am going to do my best to stay positive and it seems like this past week has in a way been a little bit of an eye opener for her and maybe myself a little too.

She really is a very strong willed person and I would have to say that if anyone can actually beat this, she can. But only if she lets go of being so stubborn.

I knew this issue would probably return at times when I decided to make her my wife and it is something that we would both have to deal with. With that being said, I also feel a little like I can not give up on her because I knew this was part of the package and probably always will be.

I also know that if I were to give up and leave, she would spiral downhill extremely fast and I think knowing that would just about kill me. Plus I would also loose her daughter from our lives and she has certainly become part of my family. Loosing both of them would be really hard.

I am going to do my best to stay strong and help. Maybe I am nuts but I have to try.

I am glad I ran across this site. If anything, it at least gives me a place to vent my thoughts and that alone makes me feel better.

LexieCat

First off, having a "strong will" is actually a hindrance in recovery from addiction. People with strong wills tend to think they just have to think it through or stoutly resist temptation. Those tend not to work. Counterintuitively, there's a strong element of surrender involved in recovery. After all, if strong will were sufficient, she would already have beaten this by now, right?

Second, your leaving (if you were to decide to do that) would not send her into a downward spiral. She will go downhill eventually if she keeps on drinking, whether you're around or not. It's pretty much inevitable.

And I'm confused about the daughter thing. I thought the 11 y/o was YOUR daughter. Are you talking about a different child? How old is she and where does she live? If she's an adult, or close to it, she could still be part of your life.

rigger4343

My daughter is 11. Her daughter is 10 and both girls are with us full time.

LexieCat

Ah. I see. Yes, that does kind of complicate things a bit. Still, don't conclude that you have to stay no matter what. If she continues to drink, it ultimately will be harmful to both girls--yours, too--to remain. Is her daughter's father in the picture? Your daughter's mom? Do they know what's going on with the drinking?

I'm not trying to be nosy, here. It's just that the specific dynamics are important to take into consideration. These other parents can be part of a support system or a problem, depending. And really, parents have a right to know about the situation in which their child is living.

The girls would be old enough to attend Alateen (for kids affected by a family member's drinking). School counselors can be another good resource. If you read around these forums, you will hear a lot about how adults were affected by growing up with an alcoholic parent. Having a professional, or peers who are experiencing the same thing, can help minimize the harm--in many circumstances, at least.

honeypig

Hi, rigger. Glad you made it to SR, and I hope you find help here. You've gotten some good responses, and I don't have anything to add directly to what's already been said.

What I would like to say is this: I read your post from last night, and it appears to me that you're going through what is a very, very common pattern here: A new member comes here in crisis, posts about their situation, and then when things calm down a little, they figure the A has "seen the light." The new SR member is glad to have found us, thanks everyone for their help, thinks they may stop by now and then to say hi, but really, things are not THAT bad, so they'll just be moving along now. Everything's gonna be fine, thanks.

I hope you DO stay in touch, b/c the next thing is that the roller coaster ride continues. There is a day, or a few days, or a few weeks, whatever, of relative calm and peace, and then it all goes to hell again. Lather, rinse, repeat. Words mean nothing. Unless the A takes action, and I mean real action like regular AA meetings or some other form of serious support, nothing changes.

You'll need to take action for yourself, too. Have you read through the stickies at the top of the page? Have you read around this section of the forum, so that you're able to see how your story is similar to so many, many others here? Both of those things are important in beginning your own recovery, and if you aren't reading around the forum, you are wasting the greatest strength of SR--the thousands and thousands of different voices, all sharing their experiences and wisdom. But they can only help you if you go seek them out--you've gotta do that work yourself.

Reading is important, but so is posting. I see 6 total posts from you, all in the 2 threads you started yourself. Even if you think you have nothing to say, please do contribute on other people's threads. Even if all it is, is to say "That sounds tough. I hope you're doing OK." SR isn't like a car repair place, where you drop off the car and the mechanic makes adjustments or replaces faulty parts and voila, good as new. It's your effort, and your interaction w/other members, that is going to get the "fix" made for you. Incidentally, you never know when a post you make is going to be exactly what someone else needs to hear, either, so there’s an additional reason to let your voice be heard.

Wishing you strength and clarity as you find your path forward, rigger. Be a beacon for those 2 little girls.

rigger4343

I totally agree with the idea that I need to spend some time on here and read through others stories, ideas and thoughts. I am also sure that there are others with much worse situations than what we have here.

My daughters mom is around but she gave me our daughter a few years ago because she simply could not handle her. Not that my daughter is a bad kid, she is actually a wonderful kid. My ex simply could not handle the true responsibility of raising a kid. She is now going through her next divorce and will be living with a friend for the next year or so. She has a good heart and means well, but when it comes to actually being a responsible parent, she needs a lot of improvement.

My wife's daughter's father lives in Russia and travels a good bit so he is really not in the picture much at all. She does normally go spend most of the summer with him but that is about it. My wife has no other family here for support. I also dont care for it when he does come around because my wife gets extremely stressed out when she has to deal with him.

This past week or so has been about the worse it has been in a long time and I have been or was getting really down and out about it all trying to help but nothing working. I am trying to learn more about myself and how to support her in different ways.

Some of my problems may also be within my own head too. Because of the things that my ex did, I think that sometimes I end up jumping to a worse case scenario with my current wife. My ex was lazy which lead to party which lead to drinking which lead to getting stoned which lead to cheating and then ultimately followed up with divorce. Which also put me into major financial issues due to her actions.

So.... I think sometimes because of what happened before, I get scared in the back of my head that it will happen again.

LexieCat

Well, it might not happen again exactly the same way (cheating, etc.--that's not really a result of drinking--at least not in and of itself), but I doubt you are exaggerating the situation. If anything, most of us tend to minimize the impact our parter's drinking has on us and our home life. So try not to compare whose situation is "worse" or "better" than yours. Apart from factors like abuse or cheating, the elements of our experience tends to be more similar than alike. And because alcoholism progresses, the fact that you haven't experienced certain things yet doesn't mean that you won't.

I'd suggest learning as much as you can about alcoholism, just so you have a better idea about what it is you are up against. Let go of the idea that "supporting" your wife will make it more likely she will quit drinking. Often things we think of as "supportive" are actually counterproductive because it makes it easier for the alcoholic to avoid experiencing or seeing the consequences of their behavior. It can become a form of enabling. I'm not suggesting you should "punish" her, but you don't have to make it easy or comfortable for her to drink.

atalose

Your ex wife and your current wife share the fact they both have addictions so projecting your future worry isn't out of the norm. Feeling like you've been down this road isn't off the mark either.

You seek encouragement and support for strength to endure when what you need is support to help yourself seek support. Recovery/sobriety isn't a we thing to do together and get through. Sobriety/recovery is life long and something only done by the individual for themselves.

Al-anon would be a great place for you along with some counseling on and about addiction and what you can and can't do in regarding to someone else's addiction.

2 young children growing up in a home with an alcoholic isn't fair to them. It's not a normal life or any way for them to grow up. They also need support with a professional so that they don't blame themselves or think they have any kind of control over her drinking or stopping her drinking.

When we analyze their drinking and conclude why (anxiety, self medicating for depression) we are headed down or continue down the road of denial. When we think it's not really that bad and minimize our situation compared to others, we continue down that road of denial. When we "feel' we can't leave because they will get worse, we have an over sense of control or authority over alcoholism, and we don't.

It sounds like she really doesn't have to change, she can go off on these binges again and again and nothing changes. It becomes a cycle of your and hers and the kids normal.

When things get tense for the alcoholic, they agree to many things, they clean up their act for a bit until the next time. During the clean up control time the family and loved ones fall into a vat of hope and life goes on until the next time, then the cycle repeats itself again and again.

This is life with an active alcoholic.