How do I make amends?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Walking away is what saved my sanity.
Not suggesting I was ready to do it immediately, nor that you should be able to do it immediately. Just remember you aren't obligated to stand by and watch someone who is determined to continue harming himself. Remember, this is a progressive disease--what you are seeing right now is the best it will ever be until he decides to get sober and do the hard work to get there and stay there, happily. Only a small percentage of alcoholics get there. And the worse it gets, ironically, the harder it is to leave. More water has gone under the bridge, you may have invested so much at that point that it feels impossible to leave, and he may be so bad off that it is harder to walk away.
Just a few truths to keep in mind.
Not suggesting I was ready to do it immediately, nor that you should be able to do it immediately. Just remember you aren't obligated to stand by and watch someone who is determined to continue harming himself. Remember, this is a progressive disease--what you are seeing right now is the best it will ever be until he decides to get sober and do the hard work to get there and stay there, happily. Only a small percentage of alcoholics get there. And the worse it gets, ironically, the harder it is to leave. More water has gone under the bridge, you may have invested so much at that point that it feels impossible to leave, and he may be so bad off that it is harder to walk away.
Just a few truths to keep in mind.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Grace....around these recovery circles you will hear about the 3 Cs (over and over)....
You didn't cause it; You can't Change it; and you can't Control it
Ultimately, it is up to him what he does with his life. His life is his responsibility...
By the same token, your life is up to you...
You have a right to your own happiness....
I hope that you will hang around here and keep reading, and learning, and keep posting.....
There is so much to learn....
You didn't cause it; You can't Change it; and you can't Control it
Ultimately, it is up to him what he does with his life. His life is his responsibility...
By the same token, your life is up to you...
You have a right to your own happiness....
I hope that you will hang around here and keep reading, and learning, and keep posting.....
There is so much to learn....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
is it really??
what does that MEAN to you when you say Walk Away?
what does that MEAN to you when you say Walk Away?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Grace, I see that you say that you are new to alanon...does that mean that you have gone to some meetings, already?
You say that he texts you...does that mean that he lives separately, in his own place?
Yes...we all knw that Letting go can be very hard.....
What would be the hardest part for you...?
You say that he texts you...does that mean that he lives separately, in his own place?
Yes...we all knw that Letting go can be very hard.....
What would be the hardest part for you...?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Well, you aren't alone. Many on this site share your struggle. The good things? You don't have children together (do you?) and you are not married. So, it would be easier to leave on that level, anyway.
You should be thinking hard about that. Unless he stops drinking and works a recovery program, things aren't going to get better, only worse.
Nothing worse than an ailing, old drunk.
You should be thinking hard about that. Unless he stops drinking and works a recovery program, things aren't going to get better, only worse.
Nothing worse than an ailing, old drunk.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by dandylion
Grace, I see that you say that you are new to alanon...does that mean that you have gone to some meetings, already?
You say that he texts you...does that mean that he lives separately, in his own place?
Yes...we all knw that Letting go can be very hard.....
What would be the hardest part for you...?
You say that he texts you...does that mean that he lives separately, in his own place?
Yes...we all knw that Letting go can be very hard.....
What would be the hardest part for you...?
Yes, we live separately.
The hardest part for me would be that I love him. It's that simple.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Grace.....your therapist is right, I think, that a support group helps sooo much! Face to face groups are even better, if you have any in your area....It is good that you are seeing a therapist, also! therapist and support group is what so many , on the forum, say that was a life saver for them.
At least, you don't live together...that does make it a little easier, also....
You don't have to stop loving someone, but sometimes, one has to love from a distance....
At least, you don't live together...that does make it a little easier, also....
You don't have to stop loving someone, but sometimes, one has to love from a distance....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by dandylion
Grace.....your therapist is right, I think, that a support group helps sooo much! Face to face groups are even better, if you have any in your area....It is good that you are seeing a therapist, also! therapist and support group is what so many , on the forum, say that was a life saver for them.
At least, you don't live together...that does make it a little easier, also....
You don't have to stop loving someone, but sometimes, one has to love from a distance....
At least, you don't live together...that does make it a little easier, also....
You don't have to stop loving someone, but sometimes, one has to love from a distance....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I'm sorry. Didn't realize you don't live together. Therapy, AlAnon, Sober Recovery, are all good places to help clarify your thinking. Keep at it. There is lots of support here. Your way will become clear.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
grace, so you've never ended a relationship before?
it's really not as hard/difficult/painful/awful as we often make it out to be. if we act like grown ups, maintain respect AND dignity, the ending doesn't HAVE to full of drama and tears and angst. and we don't have to toss around a bunch of blame.
in short, it's just not working out. for either of you. his drinking is a problem for YOU, and while he claims it is a problem for him, he fails to DO anything about said problem. which is FINE, he doesn't HAVE to address his drinking - that is his choice. but then your choice is simply to no longer try to squeeze a relationship in between him and the booze.
it can be the most honest loving thing we can do.
it's really not as hard/difficult/painful/awful as we often make it out to be. if we act like grown ups, maintain respect AND dignity, the ending doesn't HAVE to full of drama and tears and angst. and we don't have to toss around a bunch of blame.
in short, it's just not working out. for either of you. his drinking is a problem for YOU, and while he claims it is a problem for him, he fails to DO anything about said problem. which is FINE, he doesn't HAVE to address his drinking - that is his choice. but then your choice is simply to no longer try to squeeze a relationship in between him and the booze.
it can be the most honest loving thing we can do.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
grace...(sober Recovery is the name of recovery groups that are held in many churches)....It is family oriented...and, many people on this forum have reported that they like it very much.....
Loving from a distance....means learning to detach....you will hear a lot about detaching in the alanon groups....and, all recovery groups....as well as from your therapist.....
Loving from a distance....means learning to detach....you will hear a lot about detaching in the alanon groups....and, all recovery groups....as well as from your therapist.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
grace, so you've never ended a relationship before?
it's really not as hard/difficult/painful/awful as we often make it out to be. if we act like grown ups, maintain respect AND dignity, the ending doesn't HAVE to full of drama and tears and angst. and we don't have to toss around a bunch of blame.
in short, it's just not working out. for either of you. his drinking is a problem for YOU, and while he claims it is a problem for him, he fails to DO anything about said problem. which is FINE, he doesn't HAVE to address his drinking - that is his choice. but then your choice is simply to no longer try to squeeze a relationship in between him and the booze.
it can be the most honest loving thing we can do.
it's really not as hard/difficult/painful/awful as we often make it out to be. if we act like grown ups, maintain respect AND dignity, the ending doesn't HAVE to full of drama and tears and angst. and we don't have to toss around a bunch of blame.
in short, it's just not working out. for either of you. his drinking is a problem for YOU, and while he claims it is a problem for him, he fails to DO anything about said problem. which is FINE, he doesn't HAVE to address his drinking - that is his choice. but then your choice is simply to no longer try to squeeze a relationship in between him and the booze.
it can be the most honest loving thing we can do.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
There is a lot of good info here in the "stickies" posted on the main menu. There are also tons of books and internet info about alcohol dependency. You know what they say. knowledge is power. If you read around the different forums here, like Friends and Families of Alcoholics, you will come to see that it truly is the family disease. Everyone is impacted by a loved one's drinking.
YouTube has some good short pieces about alcoholism as well.
I follow two recovery podcasts, The Bubble Hour, which is hosted by women and tends to be specific to women's recovery, and Since Right Now, hosted by three men with many years of sobriety among them. I know that you are not the drinker, but both podcasts just have a lot of good info about the condition.
Also, if you have access to HBO, the network recently aired a program about alcohol dependency, called Risky Drinking. Very good but very hard to watch ar times.
I am an adult child of an alcoholic, have an active alcoholic sib, and have myself struggled with alcohol. I don't drink anymore.
I am sorry for your pain. It's a heartbreaker, all right.
YouTube has some good short pieces about alcoholism as well.
I follow two recovery podcasts, The Bubble Hour, which is hosted by women and tends to be specific to women's recovery, and Since Right Now, hosted by three men with many years of sobriety among them. I know that you are not the drinker, but both podcasts just have a lot of good info about the condition.
Also, if you have access to HBO, the network recently aired a program about alcohol dependency, called Risky Drinking. Very good but very hard to watch ar times.
I am an adult child of an alcoholic, have an active alcoholic sib, and have myself struggled with alcohol. I don't drink anymore.
I am sorry for your pain. It's a heartbreaker, all right.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Grace,
Welcome and you are asking some good questions. Let me explain how I loved from a distance. I was with my addict for 34 years, 26 married. We grew up together. I was very sick being a spouse of an addict, as it is a family disease. I was at an alanon meeting and a women came in and was telling us that she divorced her husband, but still loved him.... I was blown away. I could not figure out what she was doing.
She told me that she couldn't be with him as he was killing himself. She told me you can still love someone and not be married to them or living with them. A lightbulb went off. I was doing it all wrong, I assumed I had to hate my addict to move on in my life. Once I accepted that, it was much easier for me to step away. No one could tell me that I didn't love this man that I spent 3/4 of my life with, but they said I don't have to live with him.
Needless to say I divorced him. I cried my eyes out in the judges chambers as I loved him more then the day I married him. But I knew that he wasn't going to die on my watch. Over time it has gotten easier for me, we have been divorced 2 1/2 years. I am in such a better place not having an addict in my home, he is not doing so well.
Keep reading on SR, hit some meetings. It will click one day and you will have the strength to do what ever it is that you want to do. Hugs my friend, we have all walked in your shoes.
Welcome and you are asking some good questions. Let me explain how I loved from a distance. I was with my addict for 34 years, 26 married. We grew up together. I was very sick being a spouse of an addict, as it is a family disease. I was at an alanon meeting and a women came in and was telling us that she divorced her husband, but still loved him.... I was blown away. I could not figure out what she was doing.
She told me that she couldn't be with him as he was killing himself. She told me you can still love someone and not be married to them or living with them. A lightbulb went off. I was doing it all wrong, I assumed I had to hate my addict to move on in my life. Once I accepted that, it was much easier for me to step away. No one could tell me that I didn't love this man that I spent 3/4 of my life with, but they said I don't have to live with him.
Needless to say I divorced him. I cried my eyes out in the judges chambers as I loved him more then the day I married him. But I knew that he wasn't going to die on my watch. Over time it has gotten easier for me, we have been divorced 2 1/2 years. I am in such a better place not having an addict in my home, he is not doing so well.
Keep reading on SR, hit some meetings. It will click one day and you will have the strength to do what ever it is that you want to do. Hugs my friend, we have all walked in your shoes.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
You make amends by working steps 1-7 with a sponsor. Amends are tricky business and required a lot of thought and homework (Steps 1-7) Making amends before you are ready can have disastrous consequences
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by maia1234
Grace,
Welcome and you are asking some good questions. Let me explain how I loved from a distance. I was with my addict for 34 years, 26 married. We grew up together. I was very sick being a spouse of an addict, as it is a family disease. I was at an alanon meeting and a women came in and was telling us that she divorced her husband, but still loved him.... I was blown away. I could not figure out what she was doing.
She told me that she couldn't be with him as he was killing himself. She told me you can still love someone and not be married to them or living with them. A lightbulb went off. I was doing it all wrong, I assumed I had to hate my addict to move on in my life. Once I accepted that, it was much easier for me to step away. No one could tell me that I didn't love this man that I spent 3/4 of my life with, but they said I don't have to live with him.
Needless to say I divorced him. I cried my eyes out in the judges chambers as I loved him more then the day I married him. But I knew that he wasn't going to die on my watch. Over time it has gotten easier for me, we have been divorced 2 1/2 years. I am in such a better place not having an addict in my home, he is not doing so well.
Keep reading on SR, hit some meetings. It will click one day and you will have the strength to do what ever it is that you want to do. Hugs my friend, we have all walked in your shoes.
Welcome and you are asking some good questions. Let me explain how I loved from a distance. I was with my addict for 34 years, 26 married. We grew up together. I was very sick being a spouse of an addict, as it is a family disease. I was at an alanon meeting and a women came in and was telling us that she divorced her husband, but still loved him.... I was blown away. I could not figure out what she was doing.
She told me that she couldn't be with him as he was killing himself. She told me you can still love someone and not be married to them or living with them. A lightbulb went off. I was doing it all wrong, I assumed I had to hate my addict to move on in my life. Once I accepted that, it was much easier for me to step away. No one could tell me that I didn't love this man that I spent 3/4 of my life with, but they said I don't have to live with him.
Needless to say I divorced him. I cried my eyes out in the judges chambers as I loved him more then the day I married him. But I knew that he wasn't going to die on my watch. Over time it has gotten easier for me, we have been divorced 2 1/2 years. I am in such a better place not having an addict in my home, he is not doing so well.
Keep reading on SR, hit some meetings. It will click one day and you will have the strength to do what ever it is that you want to do. Hugs my friend, we have all walked in your shoes.
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